“What soap is for the body; tears are for the soul.” ~ Old Jewish Proverb
Tears… I can’t think of any other image that is a better representation of grief than tears. Tears have become such a part of my day-to-day life since Bruce died. At first, my eyes were constantly brimming with tears that spilled out and down my cheeks at the most inopportune moments. As time has passed, though, I have learned a little more self-control, and those same tears are relegated to quiet, private moments when I am alone with my thoughts… and my grief.
I wish I could say that society understands and is compassionate when it comes to tears, but that really cannot be said as a blanket statement. In my experience, I have found that society may be patient with a few quiet tears spilling down your cheek… once. However, anything more than that, and people become uncomfortable… Then, the go-to response seems to be trying to get the crier to stop.
Even as a child, that message was perfectly clear. I can remember either being made fun of when I cried (shaming), or I was told that if I didn’t stop, I would be given a reason to cry (threats). Let me just say that neither of those approaches were helpful. Those responses just led me to keep secrets… Secrets of shame… Secrets of hurt… Lots and lots of secrets never shared… never expressed… never released… and never processed.
“Crying feels cleansing, a way to purge pent-up emotions so they don’t lodge in our bodies as stress symptoms such as fatigue or pain.” ~ Martha Creek, Martha’s Pearls: A Spiritual Approach to Life
But… my grandfather… My dear, sweet Pop, (as all the grandkids called him), had a different approach… a loving and compassionate approach. This dear, sweet man would simply take me in his arms and hold me… Never saying a word, he would just hold me… in a space that always felt safe.
That always worked. That always stopped the tears. Somehow, he understood some things that no one else did… First, he understood that my tears were not a reflection on him. He didn’t need to feel any kind of way about my tears. He didn’t need to be embarrassed or annoyed. My tears were not about him.
Second, he knew that nothing he said was going to be of any real help, but his actions could make all the difference in the world. All I needed in those moments was a safe space to feel all those things that were too overwhelming to be processed so quickly. He understood that there was a safe comfort to be found in his arms, and he was willing to offer that whenever needed… What an amazing blessing!
When I was in my late teens, though, Pop died… My safe space was gone.
At that time, I had just married my first husband, so one might assume he would have taken on that role of being my safe space. However, as I’ve written before, that entire marriage was not safe… Instead of being a source of comfort and safety, his behavior was usually the cause of the tears… and chaos… and hurt.
Thankfully, a short time after the end of that marriage, I met Bruce – dear, sweet, gentle Bruce… My gentle giant. Once again, whenever I found myself with tears in my eyes and in need of comfort and compassion, Bruce would take me in his arms, and just like Pop all those years ago, he simply held me. I can’t even begin to describe the comfort and safety I always felt in his arms. No matter the reason for my tears, he never judged, or told me to stop crying. He never shushed me or walked away. He never shamed me or threatened me. He simply sat with me and held me… What a gift!
Once again, I knew what it was like to receive comfort and love from someone else in my moments of pain and hurt… Then, suddenly, he was gone, too.
Once again, I found myself alone… And that is where I have been since that terrible night 11 years ago. In the beginning of this journey, that was devastating. There was the pain and grief of losing Bruce… and I felt so alone. I didn’t know how to ask for the comfort that I needed so badly.
I cried and I cried… I cried a lot.
Of course, there were a lot of people who were uncomfortable with all those tears. There were a lot of people who either stayed away or tried to convince me to stop crying and move on – not understanding that grief isn’t that simple.
At the same time, there were those around me who knew… who understood. These loving angels sat with me… they held me… they cried with me… they remembered with me… they grieved with me. They brought me comfort in a way that I could not do on my own.
I think there are times when we all need that… We not only need to cry and process the pain, but we also need others to sit with us and share that pain. It may sound crazy, but there is a comfort in knowing that we are not alone, especially when our world has been decimated.
So… to all the angels in my life who have shared my tears and my pain… who have sat with me as I cried and held me in your arms – Thank you! That is not a simple task, and I am eternally grateful for your loving spirit.
And… to all those out there still shedding tears of grief, it’s not only okay to cry, but also healthy to cry… Don’t let anyone shame you or talk you out of expressing your feelings this way… Those are outdated misconceptions on their part. *
Instead, take comfort in knowing that, “Crying is also essential to resolve grief when waves of tears periodically come over us after we experience a loss. Tears help us process the loss so we can keep living with open hearts” **… And isn’t THAT the goal? … To continue living and to do it with an open heart?
* “A study performed at the University of Florida found that crying is more effective than any antidepressant on the market. A good cry improved the mood of 88.8% of weepers with only 8.4% reporting that crying made them feel worse.” ~ Martha Creek, Martha’s Pearls: A Spiritual Approach to Life
** Martha Creek, Martha’s Pearls: A Spiritual Approach to Life
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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