Hey, Babe,
So, I’ve done some research these past few weeks on how to get over anger and feeling betrayed by a spouse who has already passed. The one thing that came up over and over was to write you a letter to get it all out… So, this… is that.
First, I want you to know that, yes, I’m still a bit angry. I am trying really hard not to be… but I am. I told you early on that I can manage a lot of things, but lying… that’s huge. If we aren’t at least honest with each other, then we can’t fix anything. Sure, I never asked if you were dying so you never had to lie about that.
However, I know I asked many times what was bothering you or what was on your mind or if you were okay. Every time you responded that nothing was wrong… you were just fine. I even remember asking once if you were mad at me and your said, “No… Am I acting mad?”
Yes… Yes, you were. You weren’t that good of an actor. Yet, you said nothing. You lied by omission, and that is still lying.
I don’t want to be mad. I liked it better when you were this larger-than-life superhero in my world. I know this new information simply makes you human… just a normal person trying to figure out a horrible thing. That’s when I feel awful for you… that’s when I get it… That’s when I cry for you and the idea of you carrying that weight all alone… especially when you didn’t have to… I was right here.
Other times, I think about the fact that you knew for over a year… I remember when they upped your meds, and you acted like it was nothing. Yet, that was about the same time you started getting all these tests and procedures done. Even before all the tests, there was reason for concern. Yet, you said nothing.
Did it ever occur to you that this was going to be a major life altering event for all of us?? Did you ever think… hey, maybe we should get our affairs in order and make this horrible ordeal a little bit easier to manage?
Obviously, not.
I don’t want to be mad at you. I know it’s irrational. What’s the point? You’re not even here for us to work it out… But I am.
I feel so betrayed. I feel like the one person in this world that I trusted more than anything or anyone… lied to me… Knowingly let me fall into this pit without a word of warning… That makes me so angry.
My emotions are all over the place… A part of me wants to punch you, (OK – probably not – but you know what I mean); although a bigger part of me wants to hold you. Mostly, though, I feel lost all over again… wondering what is the reality within any relationship?
I thought I understood our relationship. I thought we were secure in our love for each other. I thought what we had was different… strong… something I could depend on. Now, I just feel broken. I know if we could talk about it, it would be better.
Your family keeps telling me that this was how you always functioned. Opening up when you were facing challenges was simply not your way… and yet, you seemed to open up to me more than anyone before me… That’s what they say, and I want to believe that… I want to hold onto that…
It still hurts… I’m still angry. I think this is just going to take some time. I will likely spend years trying to find a way to be at peace with this… (Hopefully less time, but look at how long it has taken me to find some kind of peace on this journey so far… I guess we’ll see.)
I think my plan for now is to feel what I feel… recognize it, journal it, cry if that feels better. I also need to hang onto the love I know we shared. Remember the good times… the precious memories. After all, maybe creating those good times and precious memories are the reason you stayed silent… And maybe I can find some comfort and peace in that.
I don’t know… right now it all feels so raw… it hurts… And because we can’t really talk it out, I am left to figure it out alone. Ironic, huh? You chose to figure it out alone, whereas I had no choice. It is the path you created for me to travel… That’s a tough pill to swallow… That the person I have loved more than breath itself, is also the same person who chose this path for me.
I’m trying not to cry as I write this, but I’m not very successful. I’m also trying not to be so angry. I suppose I am doing better in that regard… At least, better than I was those first few days. So, I suppose, I will get there… It just feels like a pretty awful gut-punch right now…
I love you, Babe. I know that won’t change… I have always said my love for you is an “always and forever” kind of love. That is still true… I just need some time and space… and probably some help working through some of this stuff.
I am still thankful that you sailed into my life. I will be eternally thankful for all the ways you helped me learn to trust and love again. I think that when the hard emotions in this situation start to take over, I will need to remember those things too… focus on those things more… And try to find a way to understand and release the rest of it.
I love you… and that really is always and forever…
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Grief is a daily challenge that changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
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