“After nineteen years of marriage, it was hard for me to separate my point of view from Mark’s. Whenever I met people, I met them not only through my eyes but through Mark’s as well. If I went to a new restaurant, I didn’t sample the food through my own taste but also through Mark’s. Marriage does that. We no longer factor in just our own likes and dislikes, observations, or perceptions in any situation without filtering those things through the eyes and heart of our spouse as well.” ~ Donna VanLiere, The Christmas Hope
This is the time of year when all our senses are on overload. Don’t believe me? Just look at the children around you as they struggle to focus on any one thing – they can’t! There is too much going on… And most of us indulge in all of it! There are exhibits of lights and decorations, movies, shows, ballets, music, food, parties, people, food (I’ll say that one again because I like that one! Lol!) and the list goes on and on.
Most days I love it all. However, there are some days when even I need to take a step back and breathe a little bit in whatever quiet spaces I can find.
But I haven’t always felt this way… The first few years after Bruce died, I was so lonely and caught up in my own grief, I lost my ability to enjoy anything about this time of year. However, these days things are different. I am truly blessed to have one of my daughters and my grandson living here… She is always finding some new adventure or exhibit for us to explore. (Which I must say is much better than sitting alone inside my house hiding while the rest of the world celebrates.)
In fact, while this will be our third Christmas together, this year feels different… This year, I am absolutely loving it! Perhaps it is partly a selfish celebration on my part, but after spending nine months fighting to stay alive, I am ecstatic to simply be here. (Which makes me love all of this seasonal craziness that much more!) Even crazier – for the first time in years, I think I have smiled non-stop since Thanksgiving.
This is a little bit weird, because for the past few years I have struggled through this season. In the past, I battled the tears and grief of what was, while trying to smile for my friends and family around me. Of course, they didn’t buy it… my grief created a sadness that seemed to permeate our holiday no matter how hard I tried to fight it.
But not this year… This year I am so happy to (still) be here. This year it is a real celebration. Does that mean I have forgotten Bruce? Or that I no longer grieve or miss him?
No… Of course not.
Things have just taken a different turn… This year with each new adventure, I find myself looking at it through my own “ain’t-it-grand-to-be-alive” eyes. At the same time, I also keep finding myself saying, “Bruce would love this” or laughing with “Bruce would hate this” OR “If Bruce were here, he would tell us to go do ‘whatever’ while he sat right here, had a beer and watched the world go by.”
It’s funny but it’s true… When you love someone, you share a special bond or connection. You really do see the world from both perspectives. And the crazy thing is that connection doesn’t stop just because they are gone. I think I will always see the world through both sets of eyes. That doesn’t mean I can only like what he would have liked or dislike what he wouldn’t have liked. (I have seen some people go to that extreme, but I don’t think that is very healthy… I need to be me.)
No, it just means I knew him – deeply. I can smile and laugh about what he would enjoy, what he would have tolerated (for my sake) and when he would have said, “Naw… I’m good… Y’all go on without me.”
In other words, in all its craziness, I have found a way to include and share this year’s celebration with Bruce. He may not be physically by my side, but he is in my heart… And with him there, I am learning to love this holiday once again.
This is a season of hope and joy… And this year, I feel all of that… And today, my prayer is that we might all find that in our own special way.
“There is peace even in the storm.” ~ Vincent Van Gogh
What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How does this season effect you? Are you able to celebrate? Or are you still struggling just to hang on and get to the other side of this season? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.
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