This week, I took some time off from work to celebrate what would have been our 16th anniversary… Even, now, it’s still hard to believe the love of my life is gone…
Happy Anniversary, Babe!… Sixteen! Wow! It’s hard to believe, but here I am sitting in “our restaurant celebrating “us” one more time. I think I will always celebrate the day we started our “happily ever after.” I am really missing you today… The tears feel as if they will fall at any moment… And mad… It has kind of surprised me, but I am kind of angry today, too. I don’t want to be doing this alone (again)! Enough is enough… I want you back here! After all these years, I still want you back.
(And breathe…) I need to stop focusing on that today. I need to just think of you… and us.
I think back to this day 16 years ago… My heart was so full!! So excited (and a little scared) at the thought of spending the rest of my life with this man who loved me… really loved me – unconditionally and for the rest of our lives… (even though that didn’t turn out to be).
For lunch today, I am here at our restaurant. They are always so gracious and still make it feel like a celebration, (even if I am alone). I keep wondering what today would be like if you were still here. I wonder what our lives would be like. Where would we be? What would we be doing? Would we have retired by now and bought that sailboat like we lways planned? Would we be chasing our dream of cruising the islands? … I wonder…
Oh my… There go the tears… I am missing you so much I can hardly breathe today. I’ve been sitting here for such a long time. I know I should leave, but I don’t want to move.
—————– (evening time)
Thank you, Babe! Thank you for being the man who loved me no matter what… You became my most amazing best friend (and even more). You “got” me… You knew when I needed a hug or another glass of wine. Your arms were always there – ready to hold me when I felt like my world was falling apart or when I just needed to feel your love… I miss that! I miss it so much!!
Sometimes I just sit in this house and remember… I can almost see you dancing barefoot in the kitchen while cooking dinner… Or pouring your “shower shots” before jumping into the shower after a long day at work. I love the way you used to turn back the covers on the bed and turn down the lights when it was bedtime. Then, you always helped me into bed and tucked me in before climbing into your side and pulling me close to lay in your arms… I really miss sleeping in your arms. There was so much peace and security to be found there. It always felt nothing could go wrong as long as I was laying there with you… My head on your chest listening to your heart beat as your breathing slowed and you fell asleep.
But now, all of that is gone… Now, I am supposed to smile and bravely face the world alone… I think I do okay, but I don’t like it… I don’t like it at all… just sayin’….
I love you, Babe! I will always love you… And I will always celebrate this day… and us! Happy 16th anniversary, Babe! I love you – always and forever!
This grief journey is not an easy path for any of us. It is not a path I ever saw myself on, and you probably didn’t either. I don’t think any of us wants to be here, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. This journey is filled with challenges I never imagined. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all. Despite the years, special days, like anniversaries, don’t seem to get any easier. This week definitely held its challenges. Honestly, I don’t think any of us ever know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger, and that can make this journey feel so completely baffling and hard to navigate.
Thankfully, I know I am not alone. We are here for each other and, it is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
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