I thought we had forever…
I never knew we were
Counting down from the day we met.
~ Linda, Sept 2013
This has been one of those weeks where I am feeling a little raw. All week, I have been constantly coming back to the original question… Why?
I don’t get it… I am trying to go with the flow… Accept what life throws my way… I smile, I laugh, I cry. I do all the normal things that make up life. But, I still find myself wondering, “why?”
No one around me has lost a spouse. He was so young. Our time together was so short… And we were SO happy… So, why?
I don’t get it. Is my destiny to be alone? Were we never supposed to be? I don’t understand. Our love was so strong, why take it away? I had 23 years with the worst – why only 8 with the best? I don’t understand.
It’s not like I haven’t already dealt with enough hurt. Did this really have to be? We were so happy… so at peace with each other and life as it was.
I see so many others around me who get to enjoy that… why not us?
We met so late in life, but we always thought we had time… more time… Who decided that was all we got?
Life in its cruelty
Gives us the gift of love
But along with it
Comes an hourglass
Counting down the moments
Until it is gone.
~ Linda, Sept 2013
Sometimes it still pisses me off! It still makes me angry… It still hurts…
Why can’t I let go?
That one I can answer… Because I still love him. Because he was everything to me… and I don’t want to let go.
Shoot! I’m so scared of forgetting… forgetting the moments we shared, forgetting his face when he smiled, forgetting the tenderness in his eyes, the touch of his hands, his kiss… What if I forget? … That terrifies me.
Those are the happiest times of my life. Those moments have carried me through so much hell.
I read an article this week about life after cancer. The author talked about how she was still on medication and will be for years. She talked about the frustration with the ongoing side effects which can last for years after the treatments are long over. She talked about the fact that, yes, she is grateful to be alive, but she still grieves for the life she had and will never get back. When people ask how she is, she struggles between being honest versus smiling and saying what they want to hear – that she is fine… grateful to be alive.
I get it… I think anyone who has experienced a major loss, understands all of that. Grief is grief… And being forced into a life you didn’t plan or imagine can be hard.
Most weeks, I can smile and say, “I’m fabulous!” Most weeks, I can appreciate where I have been, where I am, and where I am going.
Last week, I said I was willing to wait. And I am… And I will… But weeks like this, I still don’t understand why… and I still cry for what is gone.
How do I find joy in this,
When you were my joy?
I am sinking on my own.
I know I need to find some
Peace in this;
But all I want to find is you.
How do I reconcile
What I know
With what I feel?
I can’t…
Instead, I smile,
Like a good girl,
Finding neither joy
Nor peace…
Nor you.
~ Linda, October 2013
What about you? Have you or do you still ask – why? Do those original feelings of pain still haunt you at times? I don’t believe I’m alone and you aren’t either… None of us are! Are you willing to share how you handle those days? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?
Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*
This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.