For most of my life (until Bruce died), Christmas was always my favorite holiday. However, the season always started way before December… For me, Halloween has always marked the beginning of a season filled with several holidays, big events and continual fun and excitement with Christmas being the climax. To this day, I am so very thankful for the last holiday season Bruce and I shared.
This weekend was Halloween… As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, it is the start of what has been an emotional roller coaster since Bruce passed. But this year as I prepare for the holiday, I find I can look back and find things that make me smile….
I remember in Michigan, there were no Trick or Treaters. We lived in a second floor condo which required a code to enter the building. There were no children in the building except my (then) teenage daughter and no way for anyone to enter.
When we moved to another state, we lived in an apartment for the first year and with the exception of my grandson and a group of teenagers (who knocked on our door at 10 PM) no one came. Then, we moved to the house where I am now.
I knew there were a lot of children in the neighborhood, so I bought three huge bags of candy and tried to prep Bruce for what was probably coming. All he heard was “candy.” As soon as he realized it was hidden in the house somewhere, it was “game on”… He went hunting, and found it in the third place he looked. (He laughed as he told me that the fact that I am so short narrowed the hiding places down by more than half. Then, he just had to think of where there might be enough space for three huge bags.) Needless to say, by Halloween, I had to replace one of those bags.
That Halloween, he grouched every time the doorbell rang. I laughed and fussed at him for being a crabby, old man. The next year – our last Halloween – was so different, though. He was so excited. He LOVED answering the door and talking to all the kids (even the teenagers). He even jumped out and tried to scare a few. It was such a fun night.
Now looking back, I don’t know if he was just trying to enjoy Halloween or if he knew something was wrong and wanted to leave me with some fun memories. Either way – all I know is it was a such a wonderful night!
The first year without Bruce was a change… a huge change. Actually, it was a challenge that I wasn’t expecting. After all, Halloween is a kid’s holiday. It really isn’t about adults, and in all honestly, we had only had one really fun Halloween together.
But even that first year, according to my journal I recognized that this would be the start of a rough few months…
(Written the morning of 10/31/2013)
“The first of the holidays – this one always feels like the “kick-off” for the holiday season. I don’t really feel like celebrating but I did buy candy.
People don’t get it… they can’t. They can’t because they haven’t been here yet. I feel like everyone has this expectation that I should be a ‘good little widow’ and just be okay… whatever that is! Guess what… I’m not! I’m not okay! My brain doesn’t analyze or function the same way anymore. I don’t feel like “me” anymore.
The weird part is yesterday was actually okay. It was the first day this week I didn’t cry all day. Then I wake up this morning and I just feel pissed. I don’t think this will be a good day… not really looking forward to it – don’t really feel like festivities or anything like it.”
(Written the night of 10/31/2013)
“Halloween without you, Babe! Too hard!! I miss you!! I keep thinking about you answering the door last year and all the fun. This year is hard, though. I am listening to Jimmy Buffet and wishing you were here… Six kids so far and I am crying. Maybe I should just turn out the light and call it a night.
So sad… just so very sad…
What is – is… nothing I do will ever change it. I feel like I shouldn’t be here but I am… maybe one day I will understand why I am still here.
Just so you know, Babe… I went to the neighbor’s for chili and wine earlier tonight. They are so sweet and kind to me. I am blessed to have them here. In case you’re wondering, they are taking good care of me, Babe.”
And now this year…
This year I spent Halloween with my grandson, one of my daughters and my son-in-law.
(Written on Sunday 11/1/2015)
“Hi Babe… This weekend was really good for me. I couldn’t be with you but I was with people I love. I’m sure you would guess that we stayed very busy. Trick or Treating was pushed forward a day early since it was supposed to rain on Saturday. You would have loved watching our grandson… he was more excited about his costume and handing out the candy than actually going door to door to get any (which just cracks me up.) Afterward, there was an impromptu party back at D’s house. It sounds crazy but it was wonderful chaos – the house was filled with very tired but laughing adults and kids too excited to settle down.
Saturday included an Octoberfest at their school/church. You would have loved it – German food and beer. Their German potato salad was good (but not as good as yours!) You would be proud… I only teared up once… when the kids performed their Fall music program. I know you were there… I know you were watching… but I still wish I could have held your hand and seen your face. You and your “Boudreaux” had such a close connection, I know you would have been beaming with pride.
The night ended with a dinner party at a friend’s house. It was fun, and they made me feel so welcome. Usually I feel like a fifth wheel at those things, but I didn’t this time. I can’t say I like it but I am getting (more) used to going to parties without you by my side…
It wasn’t until the wee, dark hours of the night when I was actually alone with my thoughts that the tears fell. My emotions were a mix of melancholy, sadness, loneliness and (believe it or not)… guilt. I miss you so much, Babe, and the idea that I still managed to have fun, leaves me feeling guilty. Crazy, I know but that is what I felt. I wonder if that is normal? I wonder if that will be the emotion I struggle with this year?”
I don’t know the answer to that question, although I would guess it is normal. If there is anyone out there who knows or has been there, I would love to hear from you… I’m sure there are a lot of us that would to hear from you.
In the meantime, I need to breathe… I have 8 days to get myself emotionally prepared for the next big day.
How do YOU manage your big days? I would love to hear from you… Please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*
Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.
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