mourner – Page 21 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief… The Struggle is Real

Well, Thanksgiving is over, and it is officially the “Christmas Season.” That phrase fills me with both excitement and dread… This is when the inner struggle between celebration and grief reawakened becomes in-your-face real.

For example, I started playing Christmas music this week. “Alexa, play Christmas music” has probably been the most used command in my house. The music starts, I start humming, and the next thing I know, the tears are filling my eyes and sliding down my cheeks. The idea that I will spend another Christmas with him… Without his smile or hugs… is overwhelmingly sad.

That thought then takes me down another road… The idea that Bruce is no longer able to be a part of this season… He will never again cut down a Christmas tree or place the angel on the top… He won’t hear the music or be a part of our families’ celebrations… That is even more sad.

Now, throw in one more thing… The fact that I don’t want to ruin anyone else’s holidays with my melancholy. So… I smile and pretend that everything is fine. And, if by chance, the subject comes up or someone happens to be near when I have having “a moment”, many times we will struggle through a few moments of awkwardness until we figure out how to handle it. Some people just give me my moment – maybe offering a hug or just sitting with me in silence for a moment or two while I pull it back together.

However, there are also those who just can’t help themselves. They are either too uncomfortable with the grief in that moment, or they believe I have it all wrong. I understand being uncomfortable. I’m not insulted or upset… It is uncomfortable… It is awkward. Trust me. I know… I’m in the middle of it.

However, those who believe they need to fix me or my thinking, frustrate the tar out of me… Logic or Sunday School answers aren’t helpful. They are great at adding more guilt and resentment, but I don’t really think that is the goal. So, then I am left with two choices. 1 – Explain why this thing they are saying isn’t helpful, or 2 – Smile and thank them. Which way I decide completely depends on how well I know them or how many “helpful” phrases I have heard before this one. (Either way, it isn’t a great conversation.)

Here is the bottom line… I not unhappy. Honestly, I’m not. I’m just not always able to be happy.

I want to celebrate.

I want to sing.

I want to laugh.

I want to spend time with family and friends enjoying the holiday and all it entails.

Yet, every time I sing or smile or laugh, it feels like I have forgotten him, if even for just a moment. And I don’t want to do that… I don’t want to forget him… ever… So, this year, I plan to enjoy as much time with loved ones as possible…. I also plan to play his favorite Christmas albums, hang his stocking next to mine, and remember… And if the tears fall… well… I guess, that’s okay too.

This grief journey is not an easy path for any of us… and this time of year, it is just a little bit harder. I don’t think any of us wants to be here, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. This journey is filled with challenges I never imagined – especially during the holidays. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since he passed. These next few weeks will definitely held many challenges.

Thankfully, we are not alone… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Handling the Holidays

This is the season when we are all supposed to focus on the blessings in our lives, right? It is a season to be thankful for all the wonderful blessings. Yet, at this time of year, I somehow always find myself struggling. I want to be thankful… In fact, I am thankful. However, I seem to always find myself caught between opposing emotions. I am torn between missing Bruce and not wanting to celebrate the holidays without him (again) and wanting to completely submerge myself into celebrating the holidays with my loved ones and turn my back on the memories of the past… Memories that I wish more than anything were still real.

I remember when this whole journey began… I couldn’t see the blessings… All I could focus on was the fact that Bruce was gone. I really struggled with trying to understand why I was still here, and Bruce wasn’t. I loved him so much. How was I supposed to go on without him? What was the purpose? Did I even have a reason to still be here? Honestly, while I didn’t want to be here, I knew there had to be a reason, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what it was. It was taking everything I had just to survive that first year… how could God expect anything more of me? How in the world could I find anything to be thankful for?

That first year, I pretty much just ignored the holidays. I just couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t celebrate anything. Then, in the following years, I found myself celebrating a little bit more each year… Learning to look past what isn’t and trying to focus on what is. It hasn’t been easy, but the love of my family has made it possible. However, I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that there is still a part of me that wants to just sit down and cry when I look and see an empty chair beside me… Where is he? Why isn’t he here with us? It doesn’t matter whose table I am sitting at, or how much laughter and love are surrounding me, that sight seems to always break my heart.

This year, though, I found myself going back to read a letter my father sent last year… A year when we all had to stay apart. This year we will all be together (thankfully). Yet, his words are still a good reminder for me…

“I was just thinking earlier of Thanksgivings and Christmases past and hoping that your day will be one like those: overflowing with warmth and happy pandemonium, wrapped in family and in the love of family, and conscious of all that you (and we) have been given. Amid all the things we allow to bother us, there’s much to be thankful for, isn’t there? Much more of blessings than of burdens; much more of hope than of discouragement; much more of love than of whatever exists in the absence of love. (I honestly don’t know what that would be; I’ve only known love.) Look around you at the faces you love. You’re looking at an inventory of unspeakable blessing; take the opportunity and let it fill your heart, and then you’ll be ready to give thanks to the Source of all that blessing.”

I will be mulling over these words over the next few weeks, holding them close to my heart and letting them soak in… basking in the love and courage they express… Building my own strength, by listening to his words of faith as a reminder of all the blessings – past and present – that make up my life.

Our God truly is a good God… And I known I have been blessed. So, I thank you, God, for not only giving me a season to be thankful, but for the faith of those I love who remind me of all the many blessings I have to be thankful for!

This can be a tough season when you are experiencing deep grief. Grief changes how we look at life and the world around us. This can make it hard to celebrate and even harder to be thankful. Yet, it is in remembering and finding those blessings that we are able to celebrate at all. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What changes have you had to navigate on this journey? How do you manage those? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you and each other.

It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and that we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief… Happy Anniversary, Babe!

This week, I took some time off from work to celebrate what would have been our 16th anniversary… Even, now, it’s still hard to believe the love of my life is gone…

Happy Anniversary, Babe!… Sixteen! Wow! It’s hard to believe, but here I am sitting in “our restaurant celebrating “us” one more time. I think I will always celebrate the day we started our “happily ever after.” I am really missing you today… The tears feel as if they will fall at any moment… And mad… It has kind of surprised me, but I am kind of angry today, too. I don’t want to be doing this alone (again)! Enough is enough… I want you back here! After all these years, I still want you back.

(And breathe…) I need to stop focusing on that today. I need to just think of you… and us.

I think back to this day 16 years ago… My heart was so full!! So excited (and a little scared) at the thought of spending the rest of my life with this man who loved me… really loved me – unconditionally and for the rest of our lives… (even though that didn’t turn out to be).

For lunch today, I am here at our restaurant. They are always so gracious and still make it feel like a celebration, (even if I am alone). I keep wondering what today would be like if you were still here. I wonder what our lives would be like. Where would we be? What would we be doing? Would we have retired by now and bought that sailboat like we lways planned? Would we be chasing our dream of cruising the islands? … I wonder…

Oh my… There go the tears… I am missing you so much I can hardly breathe today. I’ve been sitting here for such a long time. I know I should leave, but I don’t want to move.

—————– (evening time)

Thank you, Babe! Thank you for being the man who loved me no matter what… You became my most amazing best friend (and even more). You “got” me… You knew when I needed a hug or another glass of wine. Your arms were always there – ready to hold me when I felt like my world was falling apart or when I just needed to feel your love… I miss that! I miss it so much!!

Sometimes I just sit in this house and remember… I can almost see you dancing barefoot in the kitchen while cooking dinner… Or pouring your “shower shots” before jumping into the shower after a long day at work. I love the way you used to turn back the covers on the bed and turn down the lights when it was bedtime. Then, you always helped me into bed and tucked me in before climbing into your side and pulling me close to lay in your arms… I really miss sleeping in your arms. There was so much peace and security to be found there. It always felt nothing could go wrong as long as I was laying there with you… My head on your chest listening to your heart beat as your breathing slowed and you fell asleep.

But now, all of that is gone… Now, I am supposed to smile and bravely face the world alone… I think I do okay, but I don’t like it… I don’t like it at all… just sayin’….

I love you, Babe! I will always love you… And I will always celebrate this day… and us! Happy 16th anniversary, Babe! I love you – always and forever!

This grief journey is not an easy path for any of us. It is not a path I ever saw myself on, and you probably didn’t either. I don’t think any of us wants to be here, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. This journey is filled with challenges I never imagined. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all. Despite the years, special days, like anniversaries, don’t seem to get any easier. This week definitely held its challenges. Honestly, I don’t think any of us ever know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger, and that can make this journey feel so completely baffling and hard to navigate.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone. We are here for each other and, it is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Remembering a Loved One

This week, our family lost a wonderful lady. She was my Aunt… My mother’s sister… I know her children and their children have lost their mother/grandmother. I am sure their pain is much, much greater. But I can only write from my own perspective and what I know… My aunt has been sick and in pain for years, and I know I should be able to say, “She is better off,” But I can’t… I hate that phrase. I know it is meant to console. However, when Bruce died, I did not find it consoling. So instead, I will say this…

I know she isn’t in pain anymore. I know where her soul is… But, oh my goodness, she will be missed.

For me, she will always be the Aunt who I loved to spend summers with. Every summer, she was the one who took me to the beach, and I loved it! Each day while I was there, we would go to Sullivan’s Island – to the same station at low tide every single time because the gullies left behind were deep enough to swim in, and she didn’t have to worry us kids. Those were great days – sitting in the sand, eating PBJs, catching hermit crabs, and riding the waves.

She was also the one who introduced me to opera and live theater. I remember going to Madam Butterfly rehearsals with her at the Dock Street Theater and being completely enthralled. To my mind, there was a magic there that I instantly gravitated to. (That love of theater has never changed.)

When I turned 18, (which was considered “legal” at the time), she took me to the bar at the old Francis Marion Hotel and bought me my first drink – an amoretto sour. I remember having a conversation about not drinking too much, and how a “true lady” should never finish her drink… Always walk away with a little bit still in the glass. (Even when we talked on the phone during these last few years, she still had great advice to offer.)

I’m really going to miss her…

But that is only my perspective… For my mother, it is a bit harder. While she has lost my own mother, she has never lost a child, a spouse, … or as in this case, a sibling before now. I know this loss is especially hard for her, and I think my Dad said it best today…

“Brenda was her sister — they shared memories with each other that no one else could share — and she wants whatever closure there may be. Losing a sibling is unique. It isn’t necessarily worse than losing someone else, just… unique. It’s almost as though your childhood isn’t quite lost as long as there’s someone who shared it and can rehash those memories with you. When there’s no one left who can do that, the book of your childhood is closed. It’s not a tragedy, just an unanticipated part of the loss.”

My heart breaks for my mom… Actually, my heart breaks for all us… My aunt was her own person… She loved to laugh; she loved to sing…. And she loved her family fiercely… I’m going to miss you, Aunt Brenda… May you rest in peace…

This grief journey is not an easy path for any of us. It is not a path I ever saw myself on, and you probably didn’t either. I don’t think any of us wants to be here, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. This journey is filled with challenges I never imagined. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all. Honestly, none of us ever know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger, and that can make this journey feel so completely baffling and hard to navigate.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone. We are here for each other and, it is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you. This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… And Just Like That, It’s Halloween Again

I can’t believe it is already Halloween… again! My goodness! Where does the time go? Throughout my life – while growing up, when my children were little, and while Bruce was alive, Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. However, the season always seemed to start WAY before December… In a way, Halloween has always marked the beginning of an entire season of fun – A time filled with holidays and big events with Christmas being the climax.

To this day, I am so very thankful for the last holiday season that Bruce and I shared. The memories from that year are so very precious now. Although at the time, it just seemed like another holiday season. With Halloween falling this weekend, I am reminded again, just how precious our time with our loved ones really is…

Until Bruce died, I never really thought of Halloween as a holiday with special memories, but I was wrong… As I look back, over the years I can find so many small things that still make me smile….

For example, when we lived in Michigan, there were no Trick or Treaters. We lived in a second-floor condo which required a code for entrance. There were no children in the building except my (then) teenage daughter and no way for anyone to enter. So, no one knocked on our door yelling, “Trick or Treat.” We didn’t buy candy, and other than the shenanigans at work, it was just another day.

Then when we moved to Florida, we decided to live in an apartment for the first year until we got our bearings. With the exception of my (then) toddler grandson dressed as a pirate and one group of teenagers (who knocked on our door at 10 PM) no one came. Again, other than the shenanigans at work, it was pretty much just another day.

Then, we moved to the house where I live now…

I knew there were a lot of children in the neighborhood, so I bought three of those huge bags of candy and tried to prep Bruce for what was probably coming. For him, it had been well over a decade since he had answered a door on Halloween to pass out candy. At the time, though, all he heard was “candy.” As soon as he realized I had hidden it somewhere in the house, it was “game on”… He went on a hunt despite my saying that it was for Halloween – not him.

I will always remember the Cheshire Cat grin on his face as he walked back into the kitchen with a handful of chocolate. He had found the entire stash in the third place he looked. I couldn’t figure out how in the world he had found it so flippin’ fast! According to him, the fact that I am so short narrowed the hiding places down by more than half. Then, he just thought of where there might be enough space for three huge bags… All I can tell you is that by Halloween, I had to replace more than one of those silly bags.

On Halloween, he grouched every time the doorbell rang, and I laughed and poked fun at him for being a crabby, old man… The next year, our last Halloween together, was different, though. He was actually excited about the night and loved answering the door. I stood back and watched him as he talked to all the kids (even the teenagers). He even found a mask he had bought years before and tried to scare a few poor souls. It was such a fun night, and we both fell into bed laughing at the end of it.

Now looking back, I don’t know if he was just trying to enjoy Halloween or if he knew what was coming and wanted to leave me with some fun memories… Either way, that night warms my heart.

The next year was my first year without Bruce quickly, and the day became a challenge that I wasn’t expecting. To my mind, Halloween is a kid’s holiday. It really isn’t about adults or family memories… And to be honest, we had only had one really fun Halloween together. However, that first year showed me that Halloween would come to mark the start of what is generally a few rough months for me emotionally…

Journal: 10/31/2013
(morning)
“The first of the holidays – this one always feels like the “kick-off” for the holiday season. I don’t really feel like celebrating but I did buy candy. I woke up this morning, and I just feel pissed. I don’t think this will be a good day… not really looking forward to it – don’t really feel like festivities or anything like it.“

(night)
“Halloween without you, Babe! Too hard!! I miss you!! I keep thinking about you answering the door last year and all the fun. This year is hard, though. I am listening to Jimmy Buffet and wishing you were here… Six kids so far and I am crying. Maybe I should just turn out the light and call it a night.
So sad… just so very sad… What is – is. Nothing I do will ever change it. I feel like I shouldn’t be here, but I am… maybe one day I will understand why I am still here.”

Then, years later, I spent Halloween with my daughter and grandson.

Journal: 11/1/2015
“Hi Babe… This weekend was really good for me. I couldn’t be with you, but I was with people I love. I’m sure you would guess that we stayed very busy. You would have loved watching our grandson… he is more excited about his costume and handing out the candy, than actually going door to door to get any (which just cracks me up.) Afterward, there was an impromptu party back at the house. It was wonderful chaos – the house was filled with very tired but laughing adults and kids too excited to settle down.
Saturday included an Octoberfest at their school/church. You would have loved it – German food and beer. I only teared up once… when the kids performed their Fall music program. I know you were there… I know you were watching… but I still wish I could have seen your face. You and your little “Beaudroux” had such a close connection, I know you would have been beaming with pride.
The night ended with a dinner party at a friend’s house. It was fun, and they made me feel so welcome. I can’t say I like it, but I am getting (more) used to going to parties without you by my side…
It wasn’t until the wee, dark hours of the night when I was actually alone with my thoughts that the tears fell. My emotions were a little bit of melancholy, sadness, loneliness and (believe it or not)… guilt. I miss you, Babe. I still managed to have fun but then I feel guilty about that. Crazy, I know, but that is what I felt. I wonder if that is normal?“

Through the years, I have gotten stronger. While these next few months are still difficult ones for me, I have definitely gotten better at taking it one day… one moment at a time. I am better at enjoying the time with friends and family and cherishing the memories we are making together. I have also learned to give myself some grace… I have learned that it’s okay to feel what I feel… It’s okay to grieve the fact that my heart is broken because Bruce isn’t here to share any part of this anymore.

How we handle the big days can vary year to year, moment to moment. Sometimes we manage these better than other times… We’re only human, and this is a tough journey. What about you? How do you manage your big days? This journey is filled with challenges I never imagined. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all. Honestly, none of us ever know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, (one holiday to the next), when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger, and that can make this journey feel so completely baffling and hard to navigate.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Contemplations

I have good friends.
I have good family.
I am in a good place.
So, why does it still hurt so bad?
~ Linda, 2021

Hi Babe,
It’s odd how life just continues to plug along… Some days it feels like only yesterday you were here, and other days it feels as if I have been alone and missing you forever. This is that time of year that gets hard for me… all the holidays plus so many of our special days… Sometimes I just sit here in the quiet… waiting… listening… wishing I could hear your voice just one more time… But I don’t… All I hear is the never ending quiet. A quiet that at times brings me comfort and at other times threatens to swallow me.

I love looking around and finding odds and ends that remind me of you. Sometimes it is a little memento of a special time we had together, such as a shell picked up while diving on our honeymoon. Or maybe just seeing your tools still in the garage… waiting. (You would be proud. I’ve learned how to use a lot of them.) Then, there are your books – books on fishing and sailing, books on health and working out, books on travel, and books on philosophy. Many of them I have read by now, and the others just make me smile because they are so completely “you”. Somedays I just love picking up a photo album, curling up on the couch, and thumbing through… remembering the days and moments caught on film – how absolutely precious these are to me now.

I miss you so much, and I don’t know if I will ever get used to living in this world without you… Which is kind of strange, since we didn’t even have that much time together… only eight short years. The thing is you changed my world so much…

Before you, I can remember crying and wondering if I would ever know what it was like to be loved… really loved… There was so much hurt and pain left by my first marriage. I had been convinced (by him) that I wasn’t worth loving. But then you came along, and suddenly I was loved – totally and completely! Everything I had ever imagined or wished for came true with you… I knew it was rare… I knew it was a precious gift… What I didn’t know was just how short our time together would be… That has probably been the hardest part to accept – our life together had practically just started, and just as suddenly, it was over.

Sigh… (It’s times like this that I have to remind myself to breathe.)

I miss you, Babe… More than you could ever know. And I love you… I will always love you – Always and forever!

I miss you.
I think of you and my heart warms.
So then,
How do I face tomorrow?
How do I face another day without you?
My heart was broken into a thousand pieces when you left.
How am I to pick it up and move forward?
I still don’t know…
~ Linda, 2021

I say this every week, because I believe it is important… this is not an easy path for any of us. It is not a path I ever saw myself on, and you probably didn’t either. I don’t think any of us wants to be here, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. This journey is filled with challenges I never imagined. Each time I think I have it figured out; I find I don’t at all. Honestly, none of us ever know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger, and that can make this journey feel so completely baffling and hard to navigate.

Peace, Love, and Grief… On Being a Good Widow

Somedays the pain is so great.
Somedays it is too much.
But still I must put a smile on my face
And walk out to face the world.
I must pretend all is well.
But inside…
The pain is so great…
It is too much…
Too much…
~ Linda, 2013

All my life, I was raised to the “a good girl.” I can’t say I ever got it quite right, but that was always the goal set before me. I never thought it was unusual. After all, it was the same for (almost) all the kids I knew… That was the expectation – “be good.”

I don’t think there is really anything wrong with that goal, and I can’t say that I resent it at all. I just think there needed to be a clearer picture of what that should look like. Somehow, for me, “being good” became equivalent to being a pleaser. As long as I could make others happy (and not upset with me), then that was good… And I was good. And sadly, that mindset followed me into adulthood.

In my first marriage, when things got violent, I just kept thinking that if I could be better – a better mother, a better wife, a better housekeeper, a better “whatever”, then he wouldn’t be so mad, and everything would be better… I just had to be good. The problem, however, was this: what was “good” one day wasn’t “good” then next. Life in our house was a guessing game, and the kids and I were losing. It took me a long time to leave, and while logically I knew he was the only one responsible for his behavior, I was still ashamed. I was the one who couldn’t do it anymore, and a big part of me felt that maybe I should have just been better.

Then I met Bruce… And my whole world changed! He never asked me to be better. He never expected me to be “a good girl”. He loved me…. me! And his only expectation was that I love him back. I could drop all attempts at changing who I was to try to please him… I could just be me – the good and the bad. For the first time, I had “permission” to let go of all the phony stuff and just be myself… And I was still loved… not just a little bit… I was loved totally and completely… simply for being me.

What a blessing!!

Then… he was gone. Just like that, in the middle of the night, he took his last breath and left me here – all alone. To say it was devastating would be a huge understatement.

The first few months became a blur… I walked around in a daze, just trying to remember to breathe. Slowly, I became aware of the people around me. I had a great circle around me that was supportive. I also had a few people who wanted something else…

My grief… my sadness was making them uncomfortable. For them, I needed to “Get over it”… “Smile”… “Don’t cry” … “Move on” …

It didn’t take long for old habits to reappear. In my mind, I remember making the conscious decision that I needed to be “a good widow.” I needed to be careful not to make those around me uncomfortable. I needed to hide my grief and my tears. I needed to smile at the world, so that the world could be happy.

One day, I remember being admonished for crying, and being told, “How do you think that looks to others? How do you think that makes them feel?” So, I tried harder… And, over time, I got better at being “a good widow”. In other words, I got better at hiding my feelings. I got better at not talking about Bruce so often. I got better at pretending I was okay…

Only I wasn’t okay. I was imploding – slowly but surely.

How do I find joy in this when you were my joy?
I am sinking on my own.
I know I need to find some peace in this,
But all I want to find is you.

How do I reconcile what I know with what I feel?
I can’t…
Instead, I smile like a good girl,
Finding neither joy, nor peace…
Nor you…
~ Linda, 2013

Much later, I was to learn that this behavior is called “covering”. Covering is when a person “hides” a part of themselves in order to fit into the societal norms around them. (Most people in this world cover for something. I imagine, if you dig deep enough, you might be surprised to find what it is about yourself that you are covering.)

When I learned about covering, I realized it is something I had done all of my life… I did it in my first marriage, when I smiled at the world despite what was happening behind closed doors within my home. And here I was doing it again… Pretending this pain did not exist inside me… Pretending everything was fine, just so no one else would be uncomfortable… Pretending so I could fit into the vision they had of me.

For me, at the time, I didn’t know this behavior had a name. I didn’t know this is a normal behavior. I thought it was just a “me” thing. So, I started this blog. This became my safe space to simply be me… to express whatever pain or crazy feelings I was having on this journey. I quickly found I could express myself, while the people who know me could choose to read it or not. I wasn’t forcing anyone into my world of grief – it was an optional journey for anyone else. And because of this space… this once-a-week download of whatever is happening inside, I have been able to find some peace.

Over time, I have slowly learned how to be honest with the world around me while still maintaining a balance of not making everyone else crazy with my grief. More and more, I am able to be who I truly am, and that has saved me. It has allowed me to express myself in a way that more easily accepted… It might not be a permanent solution… It might not be the best solution, but it has worked for me… And because of this weekly space, I have been able to really and truly be “a good girl”, “a good widow” and more importantly… a better me.

I say this every week, because I believe it is important to recognize… this is not an easy path for any of us. It is not a path I ever saw myself on, and you probably didn’t either. I don’t think any of us wants to be here, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. This journey is filled with challenges I never imagined. Each time I think I have it figured out, I find I don’t at all. Honestly, none of us ever know from one day to the next, or one moment to the next, when another wave of grief will hit or what will be the next trigger, and that can make this journey feel so completely baffling and hard to navigate.

Peace, Love and Grief… Smiling on the Journey

“Learn to enjoy life while you’re going through the transformation process. Many of us look like we’re walking a tightrope rather than a pathway of peace. Instead, enjoy where you’re going.” – Unknown

I remember when this whole journey began… I really struggled with trying to understand why I was still here, and Bruce wasn’t. I loved him so much. How was I supposed to go on without him? What was the purpose? Did I even have a reason to still be here? Honestly, while I didn’t want to be here, I knew there had to be a reason, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what it was. It was taking everything I had just to survive that first year… how could God expect anything more of me?

“As long as God chooses to leave you on this earth, don’t just exist – live!” – Unknown

There were also days when I was so hurt, I couldn’t even trust God. After all, why hadn’t he stopped this from happening? Why did he let me experience such a wonderful love, only to snatch it away so quickly? It took me years to realize that wasn’t the case at all.

Pain and death are not a part of his perfect plan, but they are a reality in an imperfect world… In fact, God hurt, because I hurt… All those nights when I thought I was absolutely alone and abandoned, he was right beside me… I was just too hurt to feel him.

“Don’t be afraid… you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression… the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God.” – Isaiah 43:1-3

There have also been days when all I could see was how much further I still have to go on this journey. I have always firmly believed that Bruce and I will be together again in eternity… I know without a doubt he is waiting for me, and one day we will be able to explore the wonders of heaven together. However, the women in my family live a long time… With that in mind, I knew I was only halfway through this life when he left it… How in the world could I do another 50+ years without Bruce?

While there are still moments when I can get caught up on how much of life still lays between us, I have gotten better at refocusing my thoughts on the blessings all around me. It started slowly with my journal. Each day, I made myself list at least five things I was thankful for… Some days that list was as simple as “I got out of bed” and on other days, the list went on and on. In fact, when I made my list today, it filled 2.5 pages… Life isn’t what I thought it would be, but it is still filled with more blessings than I can count.

“Instead of getting discouraged about how far you still have to go,
learn to celebrate your progress along the way.” – Unknown

It’s odd, I suppose, but with Bruce, I never questioned my purpose here. Just loving each other and our families seemed to be purpose enough. I don’t know why, but since he died there have been times when I pondered what my purpose is now? What am I supposed to do?

“No matter how wonderful the journey is, what’s the point if there’s no destination?” – Unknown

I have always felt my purpose is about love, but for some reason, I have felt a need to reach out past my own family. I know there are many people out there who are on this journey and hurting too, which is why started writing this blog. However, sometimes I find myself wondering if I have anything left to say here… Yet, I know that if even one person is touched or given any hope because of these words of love, then perhaps, just perhaps, it is worthwhile.

So, it may not seem like much, but this is my way of loving so many others who feel alone too. So, while I would never say losing Bruce was a good thing, perhaps I have found my own way of making something good out of something painful.

“We may impress people with our strengths,
but we often connect with them best through our struggles.” – Unknown

I guess, what I’m trying to say today is, “Don’t give up…” There really is more to life. I started on this journey thinking I couldn’t do this… I was overwhelmed with pain, and felt I had nowhere to turn for comfort. However, through the years I have learned to smile again… I have learned to laugh and enjoy the blessings this life has to offer. Does this mean I get it right every day? Of course not, I believe I will always have those days when my grief takes a strong hold on my heart. But for the most part, I know I am still here for a reason, and that reason must be something pretty amazing because…

“God’s will isn’t simply for you to survive, but to thrive.” – Unknown

As I tell my grandson, each day is a new start… Like a fresh piece of paper, each day offers us a new chance to write our story and make it whatever we want it to be…

“This is a wonderful day. I’ve never seen this one before.” – Maya Angelou

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? What has your journey been like? Have you always been able to keep moving forward or do you have days when you struggle with your purpose or focusing on your grief? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… The Worst Day of the Year

I hate today.
With all my soul, it is a day I wish had never happened.
But it did happen.
And now I remember every moment.
Like a movie on a loop,
It plays over and over in my mind
Until each horrible detail is imprinted there.
Most days I force myself to think of other days.
Days spent at the beach or on the boat.
Moments spent dancing barefoot in the kitchen
Or snuggling in each other’s arms sharing intimate conversations.
Those are the days I love…
Those are the days I want to always remember…
Not this one…
~ Linda, January 2018

This week held the worst day of the year for me… the anniversary of Bruce’s death. In keeping with my 2018 mantra of Self-love and Self-care, I made the decision to do something different this year.

In the past, I started the day watching the sunrise at “our” beach with flowers, prayers and a toast to the life of a great man… the man I love! I have lunch and dinner at his favorite spots. In the afternoon, I hung new prayer flags on the back porch… a tradition I still love. (Each flag is painted by hand and represents something about Bruce. Throughout the year as the wind blows, the good will in each flag is spread throughout the world until each flag either disintegrates from the elements or is carried off on the wind.) Then each year, I ended the day with a Jimmy Buffet dance party… and in my mind Bruce was always there, too.

I still love these ways of honoring Bruce… They are meaningful and beautiful! However, as this year’s anniversary approached, I realized last year’s flags are still in good shape, so I didn’t want to replace them. Plus, my mantra for the year is about Self-love and Self-care. So, I decided to do something different… something to honor not only Bruce, but our relationship and our shared passion…

Bruce and I loved to travel… It was how we met, traveling in the Virgin Islands over the Christmas holidays in 2004. However, since he died, the only traveling I have done has either been for work or with/to family. While I never lost that urge to see the world, somewhere along the line, I convinced myself I couldn’t do it alone. This year, though, I decided to pick those dreams back up and go… And I can’t think of a better way to honor Bruce… and us.

Since his ashes were spread in the ocean five years ago, I figure I can find him on any beach anywhere in the world. Admittedly, I haven’t gone far this year (just a few hours south). But this is a new place I’ve never seen before this weekend… So, it is still a new adventure (for us)!

As I drove into town, the expected rain for the day was actually beautiful sunshine. I made a quick stop for flowers and beer before heading to the waterfront tiki-bar/restaurant for lunch. (Thankfully, eating out alone is something I forced myself to do almost immediately after Bruce passed. So, now it doesn’t feel awkward at all.) The water was beautiful, and the meal was great! I toasted Bruce with a Mojito (one of his favorites). Then as I sat there, I wrote him a letter to go with the flowers and beer.

Hi Babe!

I can’t believe it has been 5 years! Good grief! I will always remember that night like it was yesterday… I miss you so much. I keep trying to move forward, but it is hard. I still want to share every little thing with you – every accomplishment, every “awe” moment, every smile and every tear… but that isn’t meant to be. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why.

This year I decided to change gears, be brave and do something new… In some way to honor not just you, but us! We always loved to travel. It is how we met and what we loved to do – new adventures!

Up until now, all my travels (since you died) have been for others (work or family). But I decided to start traveling for us. I still want to see the world… and I know you are by my side. : ) I can’t hide from the world forever, and knowing you are with me makes me braver. Thanks!

I have been so sad this week as today got closer… I hate January 12… It’s a truly sh**ty (sorry) day… I do still wish you were here… to see your smile and hold your hand one more time would be the best gift ever! I know one day we will be together again… Our hearts are too connected for anything else. Until then, I will miss you…

Thank you for loving me when were here, and thank you for still loving me now. I pray you know I will always love you! You will always have my heart! Always and forever!
Me
xxxooo

After lunch, I headed straight to the beach, where I “gave” Bruce the beer, flowers and letter. Then, I just sat there talking to him, writing… and crying. It was my time to let go and grieve out loud for a bit. (Life just seems too busy these days for much of that.) More than an hour passed before that promised rain finally came, sending me to the shelter of the hotel. But that wasn’t all… I ended the day the way I always have… A little wine, a little Buffet, a little dance party, a few smiles… and a few tears.

Overall, it was a beautiful day. I don’t regret my choice to do something different, at all. In fact, it felt so right, I know I will be doing this more often. After all, grief shouldn’t just be about the tears…

For me, it must also include continuing to do those things Bruce and I loved doing together… Then, I can remember the smiles…

“Love yourself and love your life; it’s the only one you have.” ~ Joyce Meyer, Good Health, Good Life

For each of us dealing with loss, the anniversary of that loss is something we must deal with year after year. While nothing will ever make the loss of Bruce easier to handle, this year’s anniversary was cathartic and peace-filled… And I guess I can’t ask for more than that. My hope in sharing my day is to share an alternative to the normal grieving process we so easily find ourselves in. I know I am not the only one… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Be the change

“Be the living expression of God’s kindness;
kindness in your face,
kindness in your eyes,
kindness in your smile.”
~ St. (Mother) Teresa of Calcutta

I remember when this whole journey began. (3 years, 7 months, 23 days ago… but who’s counting?) At first, I was so raw… so numb… so lost. For the first few weeks, I felt like I was in a dream. This couldn’t be real… Surely, I was going to wake up at some point and everything would be as it was. (Except, I would be even MORE appreciative of the gift that was my husband.)

But, that didn’t happen… Life just kept moving forward… without my Bruce.

As the months passed, more and more people fell off the radar for one reason or another. Most things I read told me this was normal… to expect it… And even gave some explanations for why. Some couples would back away, because now I was not “a couple.” (Although, most widows will tell you, we still feel like “a couple.” According to what I read, other people would back away for any number of reasons, such as:

1. They felt I was doing so well, I didn’t need their support any longer.
2. They didn’t know how to offer more support.
3. They were tired or uncomfortable with the whole business.
4. Who knows!

To be fair, most people probably grow tired of the whole affair simply because they don’t understand it, (not because they are cruel). I may have felt stuck but their lives had continued to move on at full speed. At the time, however, I could not understand this. So as more months passed, and I watched more and more people walk out of my life… I began to feel hurt and angry. I had already lost my husband. Was everyone else going to abandon me too?

But there is a huge problem with that line of thinking… The more I focused on the hurt and negative feelings, the more negative things I found to upset me.

It didn’t take long for me to spiral down and become the very thing I never wanted to be – an angry, cynical woman. Life began to look bleak… It no longer held any hope. This attitude only increased my focus on the negative. Before I realized what was happening, my connections with other people almost stopped completely. I found myself only opening up to a very small handful of friends and family (who chose to love me despite my negative outlook).

About this time I found myself at my lowest I had ever been… I had given up on people and life… I had stopped caring… Life had taken on the form of waking up, going through the motions and sleeping. Then, waking up only to do all over again the next day.

At this point, I pulled out one of Bruce’s favorite CDs – Wayne Dyer’s, The Secrets of the Power of Intention. I did not know it at the time, but this would become my first step out of this downward spiral that had taken over my life. There was a lot of great information in this series, but the piece of information I needed to hear most was…

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

WOW! What a simple statement, and yet, how true! I had become completely focused on all I had lost (and was still losing)… on all the hurt and feelings of abandonment. Because of that, I had stopped noticing the good things all around me… the little blessings available in each moment. So this is where things started to change… And as I “changed the way I looked at things,” the way I viewed those things (as well as my life) began to change as well.

The next step was probably inevitable… I began to realize that if more people knew this, maybe our world would not be filled with so many hurt, offended, negative souls. But how could I use this knowledge and make a difference? I knew I can only change myself… How, then, could I make another change within myself, that might make a bigger difference in the world around me?

Then, I read a few writings from Ghandi, there was one which seemed to call out to me as the answer – “Be the change you want to see.”

WOW! (Again!) How is it the simplest statements have the most profound advice? And so it began, another change, another step. Now instead of wishing someone else would think more kindly, behave kinder, or speak with more kindness, I learned to observe, say nothing (the hardest part for me), and alter my own actions to reflect what I wanted to see instead.

These two changes in my thought patterns and behavior began to build on each other. The more I altered how I looked at things, the easier it became to actually be the change I wanted to see. And the more I worked on “being the change,” the easier it became to see others in a more positive light.

Through the past 3 years, 7 months and 23 days, I have found myself working my way out of that downward spiral. Believe me when I say it is still a process for me. However, while I have my moments when I forget to protect my attitude, I am continually doing better and better… When I find myself spiralling down, I am able to catch it sooner and turn it around. I know that when I remember to “be the change I want to see,” my whole viewpoint on life and people becames more positive as well…

When I remember that the divine energy within me can become a divine reality for someone else by simply being the love and acceptance I am seeking from the world around me, then I know my life has purpose again because I am able to make a difference.

Polish your heart
so that it reflects
God’s love
to the world around you
~ Linda, February 2016

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with frustration with the world around you? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief