loss – Page 3 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief – A Love Letter

Dear Babe,

Happy Anniversary! As I went to bed last night, it hit me that this would have been 20 years… Wow!! That seems crazy. It feels like just yesterday, we were boarding that boat in St. Thomas and sitting down beside each other for the first time… An event that would forever change both our lives.

I remember the late-night talks on that cruise when we shyly held hands or kissed… I remember sitting on the dock, watching the stars come out as we shared the stories that had brought each of us to that moment… or how you kept saying that you couldn’t wait for your family to meet me, (which may have freaked me out just a little bit).

I can’t help but think about our first date after the cruise, when I flew up to Michigan in February, (because that is everyone’s dream destination in the middle of winter – LOL). Or, how about the anniversary we spent in Northern Michigan just so I could finally go on a true, old-fashioned sleigh ride? I am laughing remembering how you brought along several blankets and a flask of rum to “keep us warm”, and by the end of the day, you had to carry me back to our room and put me to bed. (Hot chocolate may have been a wiser choice.) LOL!

So many wonderfully, precious memories… and all with you… and me… and a little thing called, love. <3

This weekend, though, is all about that day when we told the world that we were in love and committed to each other. We had already made that vow to each other many months earlier, but on this day, we shared that commitment with our families and the rest of the world. We had both been burned badly before and were so scared, but our love was greater than our fears… So, there we stood in front of that judge and a few family members ready to spend the rest of forever together.

We were like two pieces of a puzzle that makes up this life – a perfect fit, despite each having had our own struggles. How many times did we lie in each other’s arms talking about how the other seemed to heal those parts of ourselves that had been hurt so deeply by others? … Not a one-way street, but a mutual love that healed two hearts at once.

I keep thinking back to our first dance on that cruise in the Caribbean, and then to the last one in our bedroom just days before you died. God, how I miss those moments!

I don’t care how much time passes, I don’t think I will ever understand why I am here and you are gone… It feels like some kind of awful mistake. My hope, though, lies in my belief that we will see other again… and I will run into your arms… and we will hold each other forever.

As I sit here today listening to “our song”, I find myself crying and smiling at the same time… So thankful to have known and loved you – this man who quickly became my hero… my knight in shining armor… So broken-hearted that you are gone… So blessed to have loved you and to have known your love in return.

As you used to say, “God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you!” *

I love you, Babe… and that’s forever!

* Rascal Flats, Bless the Broken Road
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Waves of Grief

Over the last few years, I spent a good deal of time in therapy working through old issues and trauma – reprocessing, finding my voice, forgiving myself, and learning to be comfortable setting boundaries vs “people pleasing” behavior. It has been hard… It has even been overwhelming at times… and it has been freeing beyond anything I have ever experienced.

Over the past several months, I have felt really good. Yes, I still miss Bruce. However, the pain has not been overwhelming. I have even been able to reminisce about him with a smile on my face and in my heart. In fact, a couple of weeks ago while at the beach with Bruce’s sister, we had a toast in his honor and poured him a beer, as well.

While I completely expected to fall apart, I didn’t. I found myself smiling at the many memories he and I had in that very spot enjoying lunch and a drink. In other words, I was a bit proud of myself for making headway in the grief and mourning department… In other words, I thought, “Wow! I’m doing okay… Go me!”

Then, last Saturday, my son and I were out at dinner – enjoying the weather, the food, and some live music. Life was good, and this felt like the perfect way to start a new week. As we sat there laughing and chatting, the musician started playing Jimmy Buffet’s song, A Pirate Looks at Forty… or as I tend to refer to it, Mother, Mother Ocean.

Bruce and I were huge Jimmy Buffet fans, and this was one of Bruce’s favorite songs… Something in it just clicked for him. So, at first, I smiled. Then… before the first stanza was finished, I found tears welling up in my eyes and I got very quiet.

This was nuts! Where had all this emotion come from? It was just a song, for goodness’ sake! Why was I letting this one song set off a wave of tears… and how could I stifle this emotional response? I didn’t want to cry… and I didn’t want to cry in public! What in the world was wrong with me?!

And just like that… a wave of grief had washed over me like a tsunami, leaving me tumbling and struggling to figure out which way was up where I could catch a breath.

I spent the next several days fighting the impulse to fall into that deep rabbit-hole of depression. It would be so easy to do a deep dive into all the things that have been hurting my heart lately, such as church politics, lies to and about me, loss of trust with friends… All of it came flooding into my mind leaving me on the edge of a big pity party. I could feel it… and while I wanted to fight it, I also wanted to totally give in to it and just feel all the things…

I am sure most of you know how this goes – in public, I went on smiling, acting like all is well, and asking everyone else how they were doing – Anything to avoid dealing with or sharing my own pain. However, in private, I was a hot mess – falling into a depression that I wasn’t sure I could stop and wondering when (if ever) the pain and grief of losing Bruce will ever be gone… I mean, really gone?

Then, on Monday, during my meditation time, I read about learning to find peace within my heart… and within my truth… And so, I was reminded…

Life is complicated with easy times and hard times… Our emotions are as fleeting as the wind – able to come and go in a breath… and all of that is dependent on all the other things going on in our lives. Bad things don’t happen simply because I am bad, and good things don’t happen simply because I am good.

Good and bad things happen to all of us… (That is just life.) What matters is how we choose to process the event – Is there a lesson I need to learn? Is this a redirection of my path (not the blockage I am currently seeing)?

So that is where I am today… still processing the grief that knocked my off my feet earlier in the week. However, this time, I am working hard to make sure that this is only a small set-back… or if I will even let it become that…

Instead, I want to allow myself to feel what I feel about all the things going on in my world… Only so I can move forward, though, and not get stuck. I also want to show love and kindness to those who have hurt me, and at the same time, set boundaries and take action to protect myself in areas where I have lost trust… and, most of all, I want to remember to lean into the love and grace that Bruce brought into my world and let that carry me when the grief feels overwhelming.
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Where I Fit

The truth is,
When we grieve,
We’re not waiting to feel love again;
Love is waiting on us
To embrace it fully.”
~ Rev. Ogun Holder, Grief as a Spiritual Practice

I think one of the hardest things about grief is figuring out where I fit in… and trusting that space…

Life is filled with relationships that come and go. Sometimes relationships just fizzle out. Other times it seems to be a mutual decision to move in different directions. And then there are those times when the relationship takes a turn we aren’t expecting and suddenly, we find the relationship is over and we are at a loss as to why.

The first two aren’t really emotionally devastating. Therefore, moving on and being willing to trust again in another relationship is easy. The last one, though, can create a reluctance to move forward into other relationships… a distrust in others seems to always be there – just below the surface. (At least, it is that way for me.)

When Bruce died, it was like the last scenario… Suddenly the relationship was over. I couldn’t comprehend why or how… He was too young. He seemed so healthy. None of it made sense. I felt (often still feel) completely broken by his loss. My whole life is now defined by what happened before he died and what has happened after.

Learning to trust life again has become a daily quest…

When Bruce first died, just like when I got divorced, many friends weren’t quite sure what to do with me. When I got divorced, though, it was more a matter of “his friends” and “my friends”. I know it sounds childish, but I think most divorced people have experienced this in some way.

Losing a spouse, however, is different. Friends aren’t divided up like property. Instead, there seem to be other factors that came into play. One such example is the fact that I am no longer part of a couple… While I still feel married, they see me as single, and that has the potential to feel threatening to other relationships. For them, I suppose, the solution was to either find someone else for me or to let me go as a friend. While most of them still keep in touch, I am no longer an intimate part of their world… and that hurt.

The troubling part is, though, I’m not looking for anyone else. I still love Bruce. Therefore, I don’t really fit into the single crowd either. So, finding a space where I truly fit in can be a challenge.

I came to realize this week that most of my current friendships are with people who never knew Bruce… Who never knew me as anything other than a widow. These friends seem to accept me for who and where I am. Most of these friends accept that I still talk about and miss Bruce. Although, every now and then, I am still asked (in some form), “Don’t you think it’s time to let him go?” The unspoken part seems to be, “It’s been years. You seem fine. Aren’t you over it yet?”

I can’t… not yet… maybe not ever… It’s that simple…

For so long, I expected to find some kind of healing on this journey. I wanted the pain to go away. However, over time, I have come to realize that this thing that happened… Bruce’s death… is something that I will always carry with me in some way.

I don’t think it requires fixing. I don’t think I require fixing. At this point, I believe this journey is more about learning to accept “what is” instead of fighting it. It is about understanding that the emotions and situations that rise out of my grief and this loss each hold something to help me grow… something to help me understand myself better… something to help me embrace life fully as I discover who I am meant to be and where I fit in now.

“Healing implies a restoration to wholeness… We are never not whole… We are never truly broken, even though we might feel we are.”
~ Rev. Ogun Holder, Grief as a Spiritual Practice

_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – The Sacred

Often the instruments of change
Are not kind or just
And the hardest openness
Of all might be
To embrace the change
While not wasting your heart
Fighting the instrument.
~ Mark Nepo, Fighting the Instrument

I was raised with the idea that God is sacred. The Christian Bible is sacred. Life in the womb was even (on some occasions) labeled “sacred”, although that was more in the late ’70s to early ’80s – not in my younger years. What I learned went something like this…

God? Sacred (period)

People? Sinners… unworthy… Not sacred.

Animals? Not capable of conscious thought and less than human… Not sacred.

Plants, Rocks, nature in general – No thought, no soul, created solely for animal benefit, and therefore, less than humans or animals… Not sacred.

This never sat quite right with me… Early on, I began to believe that all things are sacred… Not trying to be religious or controversial… So, please don’t tune me out… Stay with me for a bit more, please.

First, I know that not all of us in this space share the same faith or ideas of God, the Universe, or whatever Divinity or Non-divinity ideations that exist. That is fine. This idea, today, though hinges on two thoughts for me… Maybe one (or both) will be something you can relate to, as well.

First thought… If the Divine/Universe/(Insert your own view here) created all things, then all things are Divine – no mistakes. All things are as they are meant to be, and no one thing is more sacred than another… Instead, all things are sacred. All things are to be cared for and treated with awe and respect.

We can look at the world around us and choose to see the blessings and abundance that surround us – day in and day out… The beauty in a flower opening in spring and the exhilaration of walking through a path of crunchy fall leaves… The endearing scent of a newborn baby and the stories and memories of a beloved senior… The unfiltered exuberance of a puppy and the majesty of a soaring eagle… All of these things inspire awe in me. All of these things deserve sacred respect from me.

But, there is something more. This is the second part… It isn’t just the things that we can experience through our five senses that are sacred…

Anyone who has experienced the loss of someone they loved dearly has also learned that there are other precious things also surrounding us which cannot be touched, seen, heard, tasted, or smelled. Through our loss and grief, we learned fairly quickly just how precious life and time truly are. Neither can be replicated or recreated… Once they are gone, they are gone… for good.

We can’t get time back, and we can’t get our loved ones back. Yet, moving forward in life can often feel impossible. There are days when all I can think about is how I wish Bruce were still here… But he isn’t… And while it is important for our healing for us to stand in that pain and work through it, staying there for too long stops us from experiencing and appreciating the sacredness of our own lives… right here… right now.

It isn’t easy. I know that… I have no intention of trying to sound like it is. I am writing this as much as a reminder for myself as for anyone else on this path. I know exactly how precious life is. I also know that the time I have with my other loved ones is precious, as well. Still, I’ll admit it – I’m not full-on loving this life every single moment. (Who is?)

What I am saying is that I want to remember just how precious and sacred are this life and this time that I have been gifted here… Then, I want to stand in my circumstances (whatever they are) and still live my life in such a way that others will know it, too.

“Longing for the past and its seeming perfection
destroys our ability to create the potential sacredness of today.”
~ Jamie Sams, Earth Medicine

NOTE: If you were looking for me last weekend, I was traveling with one of Bruce’s sisters – spending precious time with a precious sister. I thank you for your understanding. 😊
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Sing Your Song

“The dialogue ended
no more give-and-take
now there was one way
their way
the tone of taunt in every exchange:
“Why can’t you sing your song?
We’ll play the music . . .
you just sing along”
~ Jerry Webber, Psalm 137 Prayer (excerpt)

I have talked several times in this blog about the fact that every grief journey is different – as individual as each of us. Honestly, though, every life journey is different, and ours just happens to also include this path of grief and loss.

I have also talked about how Bruce always encouraged me to speak up – to have a voice that is genuinely mine and not be afraid to share that. Then, when he died, I struggled for many years to continue in that direction. In fact, I believe I spent years moving backwards – afraid my voice wasn’t enough… afraid to speak out and share what is inside with those around me.

Last May, while on a spiritual retreat, one of the speakers talked about just that… Finding your voice and offering it to the world… After all, if you don’t sing your song to the world, your song won’t be sung… and we all have a song to sing… a song that matters… a song that is only ours.

That has been my goal is so many areas of my life, (including this blog), – to be brave, speak up, and sing my own song. I know that not everyone will agree with everything I say. Of course not! It is my song based on my experience. Someone else’s may be similar, but it will never be the exact same experience… the exact same song.

What I don’t want to do is change my song to match someone else’s song or their experience. That is theirs to vocalize (or not). I spent my childhood and most of my adult life, stifling my song – too scared on how others might react or respond… too scared that others might decide to walk away. In fact, some people have chosen to walk away… and that’s okay. I am learning to live with that and accept it.

Bruce, however, showed me that my voice is just as important and valid as anyone else’s. He also reiterated many times that when someone withholds their part in this world, (even just a little bit), the world cannot become what it is meant to become. Every voice and every journey is important… and no one should stop singing their song for another…

So, sing your song… because if you don’t, your song won’t be sung… and that would be so sad…

“I am me –
unique and wonderful in all my imperfections…
I know this because,
I am a child of God.

The song I sing
Is only mine to sing.
I know this because,
I am a child of God.

My desires do not require anything
Other than my own openness.
Will I create the space for these holy gifts
already imbedded deep in my soul?
Will I accept this quiet invitation
to co-create this world around me with the Divine?
Yes…
Because…
I am me –
A sacred child of God.”
~ Linda, May 2025 (excerpt)

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Permission

This week, while talking to Bruce’s parents, the conversation (naturally) moved to Bruce and all that entails – how much we love him and how much we miss him… And for me, I always thank them for gift of this wonderful man they raised to be so kind and loving. As we talked, the tears were streaming down my face, and there were moments when none of us could even form words – so thick was our shared grief.

For me, it didn’t stop there. I was still crying as I crawled into bed. And before turning out the lights, I whispered to Bruce, “I still miss you, Babe… I still love you… I don’t know how to stop.”

When I woke up the next morning, I was better, but I found myself thinking about something that I have read many times. There is a notion making the rounds that for people who are grieving, it can be hard to let the grief go, because our grief often feels like one of the last connections we have to our loved ones. That is quite the statement, (feels a bit judgy) and I’m not sure how I feel about that… I can’t say it is completely wrong, but I don’t know that it is completely right either.

For me, if I am honest with myself, I suppose there is some truth to this statement. I don’t know how to not grieve the loss of Bruce. Over the years, I have learned how to compartmentalize it and put it aside as needed… At least, most of the time. However, it isn’t quite as simple as the statement above…

It isn’t a matter of being my “last connection” to Bruce, although in many ways, I guess it is the way I connect to him… But it is a little bit different than that. You see, it isn’t that I refuse to let go… It is more about the triggers that occur when I think about him or want to share something with him or when I hear “our song” or any other number of things… Then the tears start and my heart shatters all over again. Then, if I let myself think about this particular logic, there is added guilty for my emotions, and I question what is behind my grief.

That’s not fair and it isn’t helpful.

We all have permission to fall apart sometimes (as needed) … No guilt… No judgement… No need to analyze the “why” unless we want to – no one else. It isn’t their place (period).

Here is the part I hope each of us remembers when these waves of grief hit us…
• Falling apart is allowed.
• Grief is hard.
• To survive grief, we are warriors – fierce and strong.

Don’t ever let anyone else tell you otherwise, and do not give them the power to tell you how and/or when to grieve… This is your journey – not theirs. Keep doing whatever it is that you need to do in those moments. That is how we heal… That is how we continue to live.
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – The Language of the Heart

“Our feelings are our heart’s internal wisdom speaking to us. Emotions help us by giving voice to what we need and giving us strength and resolve to take appropriate action through this morass of illness, decision-making, and loss.”
~ Rev. Patricia Gulino Lansky, What to Expect When You’re Grieving

We all know that our emotions can be up one moment and down the next. Many of us are taught early on that we need to “control” our emotions… reign them in… We need to be sure that we are in control of our emotions and not the other way around.

I can’t say that I totally disagree with that… I also can’t say that I totally agree either. I think it is more of a balance vs control. For example, if we try to control our emotions to the point where we no longer feel them, that is called repression… and it is unhealthy. At the same time, if we allow our emotions to completely take over our thought processes with no regard to how our actions might affect others, that can become dangerous and is also unhealthy.

Good or bad, it’s important to realize that our emotions are like a window into our soul… They are a way to understand how we are currently experiencing the world around us. It is important to acknowledge how we are feeling and process those emotions before we act.

The night Bruce died, I think my mind realized the pain that was coming and shut down, in a way, so that I was running on instinct… and nothing more. I remember every moment of that night. When I first started to arouse, I thought he was snoring weird or having a nightmare, so I nudged him a few times. There was no panic yet… no real emotion. I just wanted to go back to sleep.

It was only seconds later when I realized that this was much more serious. When I called 911, the operator asked me if he was breathing… Honestly, I wasn’t sure. His breathing was so ragged… He would take a quick breath, then, just as I thought that was it, he would let it out and take another. “Yes… no… yes… it’s not normal. He is struggling,” I remember saying.

The operator walked me through all the things I needed to do for the EMS crew to get in and for me to start CPR. Once again, they asked if Bruce was breathing. “Yes,” I answered as he exhaled… I waited for the inhale which I knew would be slow to come… but it never came… And my heart broke as I started CPR.

I didn’t cry though… not yet. It was as if my mind knew there was too much at stake to start that now… There was work to do… Surely, he would come out of this… Surely, he would be okay.

When the EMS crew arrived, they took over. I moved to the corner and watched… still no tears. I watched them load him on a gurney as I answered questions about his medications and if I wanted a ride to the hospital. I was rational enough to answer all the questions, grab his medications from the cabinet, climb into the police cruiser, fasten my seat belt, and make the first call…

“Momma,” I managed to whisper, “We’re on our way to the hospital… I think Bruce is… dead. Can you come?”

(And breathe…) Even writing this sends me back to that night… every light, every smell, all of it. I know I cried once the doctors confirmed what I already knew… I don’t remember the tears, but I remember going through tissues after tissue. I remember wanting to world to just stop for a minute so that I could catch up to what was happening… It was too much too fast… This couldn’t be real, could it?

I firmly believe my mind went into overdrive to protect me from all of the emotions that would come later. For the first several days, all I could do was just sit and stare into nothingness. The shock of what was happening was more than my mind could comprehend. I am so thankful for Bruce’s and my family who came and sat with me… helping through those first few days… reminding me (and making a list) of all the things I would need to do to take care of the business of death.

That was over 12 years ago… Since then, I have felt a lot of emotions in connection to the grief I have felt for Bruce’s death. Throughout that time, there have people who thought I should have “gotten over it” faster than I did. That’s okay… I have managed it in my own time.

Here’s the thing… with great love comes great loss and great grief. And grief of this magnitude was not anything I had ever experienced before. It was a path I knew nothing about. At the same time, I learned to be brutely honest about those emotions… the window to my soul and all that was in turmoil in there.

Those emotions allowed me to “give voice” to my grief – in my journal, my poetry, my painting, and this blog. While my mind closed that mind at the beginning, once I learned how to open that window, there was no turning back… I had to learn how to speak that language of my heart or I would not have survived.

Allowing myself to feel and process those emotions through the years has taken a long time, and I know it will likely be a lifelong journey in some way. I also know that it was as important to my psyche as breathing is to my body.

This process of working with and through our emotions… grief in this instance – are how we find healing, balance, and wholeness. It is how we are able to walk past what we knew and enter into what is and will be…
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – The Part That Makes My Heart Hurt

Back in May, I attended a week-long spiritual academy. While it was my 2nd time attending this particular retreat, it was the first time since Covid shut us all down in 2020, and boy-o-boy, was I ready. I am pretty sure I wrote about it when I came back because the ideas and spiritual challenges that occur there are like balm for my soul.

During the week, the speakers brought up a theory on life which says that life goes in cycles of Orientation, Disorientation, and New Orientation. Truthfully, I have heard this before from other authors I have read, but there was something about hearing it, discussing it, and writing about it that brought it to life and made it real for me.

Just like all of us, I have gone through this cycle so many times in this lifetime… And that week in May brought a lot of those memories, emotions, and feelings of despair back to the surface. However, it also provided a framework that helps me to understand the healing and positive change that also emerges from the ashes – kind of like the legendary phoenix.

Today, as I was contemplating all of this, I found myself grateful to currently be in an Orientation phase. At the same time, there are several people I know and love that are smack dab in the middle of the Disorientation phase… And I know just how hard and lonely that spot can feel.

Here’s the thing, though, sometimes, our Orientation, while it is our current ‘normal’ isn’t always a good space. It is simply a space we are accustomed to – like choosing to stick with the elephant in the room rather than risk the one unknown.

I know that for me, that is exactly where I was right before I left my first marriage. As I have said before, things were bad – physically, emotionally, financially… and the list goes on. (I’m sure you get the picture.) I had been raised to stick with it – see my commitment through… Pray more, love more, be more. Yet, no matter how much I prayed… or loved… or tried to be the “perfect wife”, it was an impossible goal. No matter what I (or the kids) did the bar was always moving according to his momentary whims.

For a long time, I thought I was protecting my children and doing the right thing by staying… until I just couldn’t do it any more… And we left. It took 3 years for things to be finalized, and just as attorneys will warn you, things escalated and got significantly worse during that time. Most days, the ‘Disorientation’ of those years felt like more than I could bear. Every time I felt like I could catch my breath, the rug was pulled back out from under me again.

Truly, if it weren’t for the love I have for my kids and my determination to (finally) get them out of that situation, I don’t know if I would have survived it… In other words, if it had only been about me, I don’t know that I would have made it through. But we did…

Then, by the grace of God, Bruce (literally) sailed into our lives and opened the door to a world we had never experienced before. For me, the love he offered was something I had never been experienced before… Here was this giant of a man, who was gentle and caring. He encouraged me to simply be me – not some version of me that he expected.

It was a New Orientation that I couldn’t have ever imagined.

Growing up in the deep south and under religious theology that said I was ‘less than’ simply because I am a woman, I had never known a relationship that offered me such autonomy… I kept my own name. I had my own bank account. We did our own laundry, bought our own groceries, and cooked our own meals. We were two healthy, individuals who shared a home filled with love and respect for each other as humans… with neither of us trying to hold power over the other one.

This kind of love and respect led to deep heartfelt discussions, intense emotional bonding and caring, and a friendship so strong that I had never experienced anything like it. For the first time in my life, I was loved and encouraged to just be me… all of me… even when it was uncomfortable and hard. That is the unconditional love I had always heard about, but at the time (as a 40+ year old woman), I didn’t think such a thing existed.

Then, a few short years later, I woke up in the middle of the night to find Bruce struggling to breathe. It felt like hours, but it was only seconds, before I called 911 and started CPR. The EMTs arrived within minutes and took over… But, as I watched in shock, that line on the machine never moved… He was gone…

And my world fell apart. This Disorientation was stronger and deeper than anything I had ever experienced… It felt like a bottomless pit, and the downward fall was endless.

That first year or two is still a blur. Not just the shock of that night and the reality of his death, but the way my entire world suddenly stopped and changed directions was more than I could handle. In the middle of all that pain and with no place to turn, I quickly returned to that old mindset of “not enough” … And I stayed there for a long time.

This New Orientation was not a good one, and I couldn’t see an end to the pain. I began to think that this was how it would always be going forward.

This part of my journey was where I struggled then… and where I still have some struggles now. This is the stuff that, to this day, still makes my heart hurt. At the same time, I have learned through the past few years that I can either let myself get stuck there, and let it this be my Orientation… Or I can remember what we had together… What he offered me in terms of unconditional love… Then, with those memories held tight, I can pick up the pieces of my heart and pull myself back together.

Bruce showed me that I am stronger than I was ever taught to believe. Being “me” is a good thing… a healthy thing… and something I should never sacrifice to please someone else. He also showed me how to offer that same kind of love to those around me… Not the kind that says ‘yes’ to everything and everyone whether or not I should. Instead, he showed me the kind of love that says ‘yes’ or ‘no’ out of respect to all and in accordance to my own values. In other words, the kind of love that allows me to consider my own self-respect… my own boundaries before I respond – truthfully and honestly.

So… time has passed and that New Orientation has simply become my current Orientation. I still hate that Bruce is gone… That part makes my heart hurt… However, that is just a part of this space.

Will there be more Disorientation in my future? Of course… That is just the way life is.

The difference now, though, is in my grounding… My understanding of who I am and standing strong in that knowledge. I will always be eternally grateful to Bruce for his legacy of unconditional love and respect that he shared with me. Because of him, I am able to hold my head up… and smile… and love… while also believing that he is probably kind of proud of who I am becoming… because of him.
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Where We Focus

Last week, I talked about how the ‘missing’ part of grief seems to remain. I stated that I wondered if it ever goes away, because I know I still feel it… Granted, it isn’t the debilitating, overwhelming emotion that it was in the beginning. Still, it is there… and it is just as real as ever.

So, as I journaled this week, I found myself pondering that very notion… Does the sadness – the missing ever stop? I don’t think so. I do, however, think it gets manageable, (for lack of a better word).

I think part of my quandary stems from something that I heard so often in the beginning… “It will get better with time.” While there is a certain amount of truth to that, it really doesn’t help as much as people may think. (At least, not for me.)

Here’s the thing… We live in a world of instant _____. Fill in the blank with pretty much anything. Let’s be real – we don’t really have to wait for very much these days. Almost everything can be attained instantly.

Can you imagine placing an order with Amazon and being told, “It will be there ‘in time’.” Or trying to purchase a plane ticket, but instead of listing arrival times, it just states that the plane will arrive ‘in time’. Or you get a new job, but when you ask about your start date, they reply with, “You will start ‘in time’.”

That all sounds kind of ridiculous, doesn’t it? Which is exactly how the “things will get better in time” hit me back then. There is no direction in that statement… No “how-to”. While it does offer a smidge of hope, there is no specific date to look for in the future when it might not hurt so badly. Just an abstract – “at some point in time it will feel better than it does right now.” (Gee… thanks… I would certainly hope so.)

Then this week, as I was trying to figure out what had changed in my world to make it “better”, something hit me. I believe that our thoughts create our experience. In other words, what I focus on will affect my emotions and, hence, my experience of life.

I also know that in the past few years, I have worked hard to focus more on the good times Bruce and I shared, instead of focusing on the night he died or the idea of facing my future without him. (That does not mean those things never cross mind. They absolutely do. However, as long as I am mindful of them, those thoughts are less frequent and less intense than they used to be.

For example, when “our song” plays on the radio, I used to cry thinking about how he will never again take me by the hand, (barefoot in the kitchen), and hold me close as we dance to that song. True, I still think about all the times he held me close, and we danced barefoot in the kitchen. However, I work hard to focus on that memory and how wonderful and precious it is… not how those times are over, (because that is precisely what leads me down into the muck).

In other words, I try to stay focused on the good times and love we shared, not the absence of those things. I work hard to hold onto how thankful I am that he walked into my life and loved me, not the fact that he is gone.

I don’t know if that makes sense, or if anyone can even relate to what I am saying. I am sure there are other experiences and ways of healing on this journey. This is just part of my experience… A conscious choice that I have to make each and every day… To focus on life – how precious it was with him and the warmth of those memories… and, also, how precious each moment is now because I get to spend it with those I love.
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – The Beginning

Sometimes I find myself going back to my old journals and reading from those first years after Bruce passed… It may seem odd, but sometimes it is a good reminder of where I was and how far I have traveled emotionally to get where I am now.

As I was reading through that first journal this weekend, it dawned on me that during the first few months after Bruce died, I was constantly bouncing back and forth between “I miss you” and “why did you leave me”. In a lot of ways, these still seem to be the big emotional conundrums going through my head when I am having a rough day.

I guess, I have heard enough near-death stories that ended with “I was given a choice, so I came back” or “I was told my time wasn’t up, so I was sent back”. If those stories are true… if that choice is real… then the pain in thinking that Bruce made a choice to die rather than come back is more than I can bear. In the beginning, those thoughts would send me over the edge where I would struggle for days or even weeks.

Mar 14, 2013
“Today was a good day but tonight is hard. It’s a different hard, though. Tonight is more ‘I miss you’ than ‘why did you leave’… (Still, some of both but more ‘I miss you’.) I will always be thankful for every minute we had together, (even when you made me crazy, LOL), but I’ll never understand why our time had to be so short. I still love you so much!! There are so many moments when this doesn’t feel real. I can picture you here… I can almost feel your arms around me… Then, reality hits and so do the tears. I am so lonely without you… It’s you I long for every moment of every day… What am I supposed to do with that?”

Mar 16, 2013
“I miss you, Babe. Nine weeks… so long – the longest we have ever been apart – ever! I miss you so much… I love you… It’s odd how that part doesn’t stop. I think that is what grief really is – the person is gone (dead to be exact) but the love is still there. It’s like your body had a switch, but the emotions that tie us together do not. They are still here in my heart with nowhere to go.”

It’s funny… I read these entries and realized that the emotions are all actually still there… still the same…

These passages were written only three months after Bruce died, and admittedly, this is still where my heart is. I guess, I have learned to steer away from the “why did you leave me” stuff, because it hurts too much… Although, honestly, the “I miss you” stuff is hard enough.

I think time has allowed me to find better times and ways to express my grief than I did in the beginning. I like to think that I have learned how to manage it vs letting the grief manage me… But I can’t help but wonder if the missing part ever gets any better… He is still the one I want to run to and share the good things in my life. His arms are still what I crave when life is challenging.

I don’t know… I am currently 12+ years on this journey, and I would still give anything to have him back, if even for only a day… to see his smile and hear his voice one more time would be more amazing to me than anything else I could imagine.

I guess, “they” are right when they say that grief is just love with no place to go.

We trust that beyond absence there is a presence.
That beyond the pain there can be healing.
That beyond the brokenness there can be wholeness.
That beyond the anger there may be peace.
That beyond the hurting there may be forgiveness.
That beyond the silence there may be the word.
That beyond the word there may be understanding.
That through understanding there is love.
~ Author Unknown

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief