Tag: grieve

Peace, Love and Grief… Happy Anniversary, Babe!

Well, it’s that time of year again. This past week Bruce and I would have celebrated our 12th anniversary… together. Instead once again, I celebrated… alone… But that’s okay. I’d rather celebrate the love we shared than pretend it never happened. So if you don’t mind, while my celebrations tend to be similar, I would love to share my day (and my thoughts) with you again.

I started the morning watching the sunrise at the beach where Bruce’s ashes were scattered off shore. I can’t explain it, but I just wanted the first moments of the day to be spent with him. For lunch, I celebrated “us” at our favorite restaurant. (I have gone every year, and the staff never fails to make it special.)

For the afternoon, I headed back to the beach with roses, a beer and a card – gifts for Bruce… My way of commemorating a wonderful man. I have also done this every year, and every year the same thing happens… The beer and the card are immediately taken by the waves. (I like to believe they are taken by Bruce.) However, the flowers are different… Every year (at first), all three roses will go out into the waves, but without fail, Bruce always manages to send one back to me… And no matter how high up on the shore I place my chair, one rogue wave will always bring one rose back and leave it right in front of me… The first few years that would become a battle as I kept trying to throw it back, only to have the ocean simply place it right back at my feet. Now… I just smile and accept it as a gift from Bruce… a sign that he is still nearby… still watching and loving me.

There is so much I could write here about my feelings, but I think the card and note I gave Bruce sums it up…

It isn’t easy being so in love with you
And not being able to see you every day!
There are times when I’d give anything
Just to be able to gaze into your eyes
Or hold you in my arms
Even for a few minutes.
I always feel incomplete
Like a part of me is missing,
When we’re not together.
I know that, right now,
This is how things have to be,
But that doesn’t make it any easier to bear.
Every day without you just reminds me
Of the joy you add to my life,
Joy that I’m missing a lot.
So don’t forget that I love you.
That I’m thinking of you,
And that I’m counting every minute
Until we’re together again.
~Hallmark card (Of course – don’t they say it best!)

My note:
Happy anniversary, Babe! Wow! It’s hard to believe – today would have been 12 years. It’s hard to believe that so long ago, we were both so nervous and excited at the idea of “living happily ever after.” How could we know how deep our love would run… and how very short our time together?

I must confess… My heart breaks each morning as I awake and remember… you are gone… and I am still here. I miss you so much… even time has not managed to change that. Today I am celebrating “us.” Some of that includes tears, but mostly it is smiles over such beautiful, precious memories.

This morning I watched the sunrise and thought of your last text to me – a picture of the sunrise at this same beach saying you wished I were there… Me too! (I believe that is one of my only regrets.)

For lunch, I am at “our” restaurant in Cocoa – toasting us… and remembering our last anniversary dinner here. You made it such a special night. You made me feel like the only woman in the world – a princess… I felt so loved. Even then, we had no idea our time was almost done. All we could see was each other and our future together.

I’ll never understand why God chose this path for us. All I can do is patiently wait until we are together again… in each other’s arms or hand in hand exploring heaven together.

Please stay beside me, Babe… You are my heart and you fill my soul.

I will love you always and forever!

This year, this day held a few tears but mostly I tried to remember to be grateful for what we had… and patient with myself. I still miss him. I can’t help it. There’s a loneliness I can’t explain, and I can’t shake. The one thing in this world I want – I can’t have… But I DO have beautiful memories of our love…

I am so thankful for that, Babe! Happy Anniversary!

I am also thankful for this virtual group. Your support and kind notes always touch my heart, and I feel closer to you through the experiences we share. Through the stories and thoughts we share here, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some extremely intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… On Boundaries

This week has been a perfect storm… It has been the kickoff of the hardest season of the year for me – a time of celebrations and special days where every few days I am hit with the knowledge that I am here and Bruce is gone. It has also been the week leading up to the full moon… I know there is evidence on both sides of this fence, but from my own experience, the few days prior to the full moon seem to always trigger sadness in me. (Usually, though, I don’t know why I am feeling that way until I finally get the chance to see the moon.) And finally, this has been the week I am supposed to start saying “no” at least once a day.

WHAT???

Yes, you heard me… I have been working on myself lately, and learning how to set boundaries. That may sound pretty basic, but it is something I just never seemed to learn. I grew up in a strict home, (which is fine). It just meant (in our home) children didn’t dare say “no” to anything. Then, in my first marriage, it was the same. He was in charge, and I knew the consequences of crossing him. “No” was not an option there either… The difference is as an adult, “no” should be an option.

When I married Bruce, however, life was different. He not only accepted the fact that I had a mind of my own, he encouraged me to speak up. He never got angry if I disagreed or said “no.” In fact, he was amazingly supportive in that area… In those few years together, my confidence grew as my ability to speak up grew.

BUT, when Bruce died, I lost that… I don’t know why but when he died and I lost his support, I also lost my confidence. Throughout these last few years, I have said over and over how I felt I went backward emotionally when he died… And This is one of the main areas where I lost my footing. The problem has been I know how I feel, but without that deep genuine support (which I didn’t know how to ask for) I felt I couldn’t speak up.

Instead, I have held things in until I exploded in some type of gross display of self-righteous anger… knowing I was leaving hurt in my wake, but not knowing how to do it any different. This has been even more prominent in my grief… Things have happened which were hurtful, but rather than speaking up, I have held my emotions in until I exploded… The problem is I have been too caught up in my own pain to see the pain I have been causing others… until lately…

If this has never been an issue for you, then this probably sounds nuts. However, if you were always told to “be a good girl,” “don’t be mean,” and definitely “don’t cross others,” then you know exactly what I am talking about… Learning to speak up for myself in a way that is not hurtful to others is a learned skill… one I am still working on.

So, I have been working with a mentor/coach while reading the books Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Bradberry and Greaves and Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend to help me make sense of something I don’t understand but genuinely want to fix about myself…

Briefly, I’d like to share some of the things I have learned. First, there are three main obstacles to setting boundaries. People who struggle with setting boundaries usually do so because of one (or more) of these… (For me, it seems to be all three.):

1. A fear of the loss of the relationship (or abandonment). If this is you, it is scary to set limits because you worry you the whole relationship will fall apart. However, this can also leave you feeling like you are a hostage to the relationship. So, what can you do? First, don’t feel like you must be the “fixer.” Instead, broaden the number of people you depend on… People who can empathize – who are willing to just be with you and listen without trying to give solutions… People who understand advice is good, but it has a place and that place is second! Having that safe place to vent, allows you to think things through/talk things out without fear of judgement, making it easier to set necessary limits. (You’d be surprised what a big deal this is!)

2. A fear of conflict – If this is you, conflict avoidance is your game. Here’s the thing… We are taught about conflict in our families of origin. However, if we are taught that we are not allowed to be mad, and we are responsible for other people’s happiness, then instead of learning that conflict can be a good thing, we learn that conflict is bad. This is how “people pleasers” are created. The problem is people pleasers do not set boundaries. Instead, they “train” the people around them to get mad in order to get what they want from the people pleaser. So, bravery is required here… Again, having support will us be courageous when it comes to conflict.

3. Guilt – If this is you, setting boundaries, leaves you feeling guilty. There is a fear that our boundaries may somehow damage the other person, and the last thing we want is to hurt those around us. But here is some food for thought… There is a huge difference between “hurt” and “harm.” They are not the same thing. Sometimes things may hurt in the short term, but help us in the long run. Hurt can allow for growth through honest feedback, but the long run, it creates a more harmonious relationship. Harm, on the other hand, does long term damage. When we confuse these two, it leads to mistrust and seeing others as more fragile than they really are. The best answer here is to respect the other person enough to be honest without being hurtful… Give the other person enough respect to let them adapt to the “no.”

Finally, if abuse is a part of your history (as in my first marriage) it can be even more important to find help and support from others in order to create and keep boundaries… Someone to help “hold you up” when you feel like giving up. This was what Bruce did for me for years… He not only supported me, he encouraged me to set boundaries and never got angry or upset with me when I did. This gave me the courage and to say “no”… And for the first time, I felt like I had some type of control. Why? Because I didn’t have to worry about being abandoned, OR an argument or being made to feel guilty… His support was priceless.

But when he died, somehow I lost all I had learned… So here I am at 55, working on setting boundaries. Each week I have had “homework” to help me figure this out one baby step at a time. For example, last week, I simply monitored each time I wanted to say “no” but didn’t. This week, I was supposed to say “no” or set a limit at least once a day.

This is where I stumbled…

I’m not used to speaking up. So, to me when I try to speak up, it seems to come out all wrong. It’s not like writing, Here I have a rough draft that sounds awkward and rough, but I can rewrite it as many times as I need to before anyone “hears” it. No… when I am talking, I only get one shot, and right now, it just feels awkward.

I won’t lie… I am extremely uncomfortable with this. So many times this week I wanted to give up and go back to my old habits… But that really isn’t what I want – not deep down. At this point in my journey, I desperately want to be more positive… and to do so, I need to be able to do this for myself. So, here I am walking into another week and trying again… Knowing my heart will be hurting even more this week as Bruce and my anniversary approaches, but also knowing I can do this…

With the right mindset (and support) … I know I can do this.

Let me say how thankful I am for this group. Your notes and messages always touch my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Through these stories and the thoughts we share, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… And the Learning Continues

I know life is one long learning experience… I also know the minute we think we have it all figured out, life will throw us a curve ball. However, when it happens it is hard to see it as an opportunity to learn. For me though, this grief journey seems to have taken this same idea and multiplied it. Even the little things I think I have learned came around over and over. These last few weeks have been no exception. I have felt myself sinking lower and lower, and struggling to find a way out. This weekend, I spent some time on the beach putting my thoughts to paper and letting out the emotions.

Dear Babe,

Hi! I took today off… I just needed some time here on the beach… with you. Life has gotten so busy these days. Don’t get me wrong – I prefer this busyness to being alone, but lately it has felt a bit overwhelming. So much of the time, I feel numb going from one thing to the next. So, today is a “me” day… and right now is “us” time. I think this is what I need to get my bearings once again.

When I told Michael I was heading to the beach today, he responded, “Want to spend time with Papa?” Even he knows you are still my rock… my safe space in the storm. I read an article today written by someone (“an old man”) who has grieved many people. It was so accurate. He described the waves that come over you – even years later… And how that is normal. (Which is good to know since I was beginning to think I was losing it.) *

Lately, I have seen the waves on the horizon… I know the next three months are my hardest. It is one special day after another – each one a reminder you are not here, and I am alone… a reminder of what we had and how much I miss you… a renewal of anger, frustration, and confusion about why… Almost five years later and I still don’t get it… Why did it have to be this way? Why do I still wake up each day to a broken heart when I realize you aren’t there beside me?… I know this is real… I know it isn’t a dream… But it is still hard to accept.

I have let myself cry most of the day today… something I haven’t done in months. I think I needed it though. It’s one of those things I used to do as much as I needed, but now it is different. Now, I try to be aware of those around me, and how it affects them. I know it causes them distress. Yet, when I hold it in, I think that affects them, as well.

I don’t know exactly how, but my daughter can sense it. She is great about letting me have the time I need – like this time today, more time tomorrow and all of next weekend. She knows this time of year is hard for me. And while I know my grief is hard for her, she gives me this… This gift of time to grieve freely. She will call me out if I sink too low or become too negative… But her support is incredible, and I am thankful.

It’s weird but this past summer when I was struggling, someone else commented that I was “putting out a lot of negative vibes.” That really hurt to hear at the time, but I couldn’t argue it… I still can’t – They were right. They knew that wasn’t my normal behavior, but they didn’t know what was going on. I, on the other hand, couldn’t talk about it. Maybe I wasn’t willing or maybe I felt they can’t understand how much I still hurt, because they’ve never experienced it… I felt I couldn’t explain it because it can only be experienced. To be honest, my daughter doesn’t understand it either, she just understands me… But, I guess that seems to work.

As for the rest of the world, these next few months are ones of joy and celebrations. I will have to balance that with my own need to grieve and feel what I feel. Sometimes that is really hard… Does any of this even make sense, Babe?

I still miss you so much! Did you know when you died, it feels like most of me died too? I’m definitely not the person I was. When we met, I was excited about life and so naïve about people. You always smiled, but warned me to be careful… Now, I am quiet, not so trusting and pretty content to be alone with my family or my own thoughts. I don’t know… maybe all of this is a relatively normal part of the process.

Life really knocked the wind out of me when you died, and I don’t think I’ve gotten my breath back yet… Maybe that’s not entirely true. I guess, I have for the most part… But when the waves hit (like now), it still feels so overwhelming. Then, I come here… And between the waves and the writing, I can let go… I can cry… I can breathe… I remember… And I smile.

I miss you… I would give anything to have you here beside me. I’ll never understand why that wasn’t to be… But I am so thankful for what we did have… So thankful to have known real love – even if it was only for a little while.

My heart will always be yours, Babe… Always and forever, I will love you!

* The article: http://beautythings.info/2017/09/24/when-asked-for-advice-on-how-to-deal-with-grief-this-old-man-gave-the-most-incredible-reply/

This weekend was good for me. Thinking things through, writing things down and just letting myself feel what I did was very healing. The rest of this weekend, I have started to feel more positive… More like me. It’s strange, but as the old man in the article says, I “know that somehow <I> will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but <I’ll> come out.” That seems to be the lesson, I am learning over and over… The lesson that “The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too.” *

I am so thankful for this group. Your notes and messages are heartfelt, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Through these stories and thoughts we share, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… The Club You Never Want to Join

As I write today, I am exhausted. I just spent the last few days camping with a pack of Cub Scouts and their parents… something I haven’t done for about 20+ years. The time together as a family was precious and watching my grandson make friends and having boyhood fun made it even better. This is a new pack for us, and we felt completely welcomed. What a blessing!

Now while camping is not one of my favorite things to do, this turned out to be one of those groups or clubs that you know from the start is going to be a good thing… Someplace where you make friends instantly and your sides hurt from all the laughter… It is a great place to be!

There is another club I joined several years ago. Here, too, I made deep connections and instant friends… However, instead of my sides hurting from laughter, in this club, tears are the constant variable…. And, before this weekend, I have never thought of it as a good place to be… It is the “widow’s club.”

I remember right after Bruce died, I read something about the “widow’s club.” The club you don’t ask to join. In fact, you never want to join this club, but you are never given a choice. One day you don’t even know the club exists… you’ve never even thought about it. The next day, you find yourself a steadfast member.

At the time, I remember thinking, “No! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to be a part of this!” Yet at the same time, I was so thankful for all the other women who had walked this road ahead of me… Thankful for the stories they wrote, thankful for the advice they gave (and didn’t give), thankful for a safe space where I have never felt judged, and thankful there was someone out there who understood the pain I was (and still am) feeling…

I don’t like that there is a need for this club, but I am so thankful it exists.

So why am I talking about Cub Scouts and widows? Because, while we were on this scouting trip, I met another member of the other club… another widow, like me…

I can’t really say how we came to realize we were both a part of this other club, too. We had actually talked several times throughout the weekend without it ever coming up. Of course, it’s not like being a widow is something you just throw out there in the middle of a conversation… unless, of course, you want the entire conversation to come to an immediate, awkward stop.

But somehow, just hours before we were leaving, we both realized we had this in common… We were both members of that club you never want to join. Immediately, we were asking each other questions, sharing our stories, talking about the areas where we struggle… And mostly reassuring and hugging each other. Granted, our individual stories are different, but there was an instant bond there… One which is only achieved because you both lost the one thing you can never quite let go of…

For those who have not started on this journey yet, this may sound odd… You may think you would never be able to bond with a stranger over something so personal. Honestly, I would have agreed with you before Bruce passed away. But now… Well now, I know something different… When you share something which touches you both so deep, when the pain you each feel is something which never goes away, you learn quickly just how much support you need, and how much reassurance that you aren’t crazy…

You need to know you aren’t the only one who is still grieving years later… To know you aren’t the only one pretending everything is fine when deep inside you know it still hurts just as bad as on day one. Sometimes you need to know the reason you don’t know what to do is because there really isn’t a right or wrong answer. There are so many times when I have needed to know all these things and more. Yet, as much as I hate to admit I am a part of this club, there is some comfort in knowing there are others out there like me… Others who also loved their husbands with all their heart and never imagined there wouldn’t be a future which included both of them.

So, while this is a club I wish I never joined, and for which I wish there were no need… I am so thankful it is here… and for all the beautiful people who make up its membership…

This weekend was exhausting, but at the same time, I was reminded to be thankful for something I wish didn’t need to be. But there is a need… In fact, this blog is a part of it. Through the stories and thoughts we share, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Dealing with the Stress

This has been a week of feeling up and feeling down. It has been a week of enjoying time with an old friend and realizing another friend threw me under the bus to suit their own purpose… In other words, it has been a week most people can probably related to – whether you are grieving or not. However, for most widows, even “everyday” stress can be overwhelming for one simple reason… We have no one to turn to when things are rough… There was a time when we did, but that time has passed. In fact, now all those stressful moments we encounter are compounded by another round of grief as we are reminded once again we are alone.

Through these past 4+ years, I have watched widows collapse emotionally under the stress of doing it all alone… I have watched women pull into themselves, lose their homes, struggle to balance a budget, or let their homes fall apart around them simply because the stress of everyday life was too much. Please don’t assume these are people who never learned to take care of themselves – that has not always the case. Many of these women have done amazingly strong things. They just didn’t have the proper resources to handle the stress of widowhood… Because it is a stressor like to no other.

I guess I have been lucky… My stress issues have not been so severe… But they are still very real, and they seem to affect my life on a pretty consistent basis.

For the last month, my mentor and I have been working on my own self-awareness and how I handle stress. I have spent this time keeping a diary of my emotions. The goal has been to list each emotion without labeling it “good” or “bad.” I was to simply observe what triggered each emotion, my thought process, how I felt physically, and my thoughts on “why.” After a month of this, I have had a lot of “ah-ha” moments… I learned many things about myself which seem so obvious on this end, but which I was completely unaware just a few weeks ago… So, this week became the week to start applying what I have learned.

Two of the biggest things I learned were I create a lot of my own stress either by not setting clear boundaries or by trying to control things which are not in my control.

So, in order to handle my own stress better, these are the areas where I know I need to be most aware. But how to do that became the question this week. After all, if I already knew how to set boundaries or let things go, I wouldn’t be so stressed in the first place.

One of the first things I had to understand and accept was we are ALL designed with a desire to be in control. The problem, however, seems to be we want the stressor to change… But 99.9% of the time, that is not something we can control… That is not something we can change. So, when a stressful situation reared its head this week, I initially “took the bait.” I didn’t like what was happening. I wanted it to stop… But it didn’t stop, and I couldn’t force it to stop. I could feel my face getting red and the tears of anger building up in my eyes, as I struggled to regain control of myself, (which was the only thing I knew I had any chance of controlling in that moment).

This proved harder than I thought it would be.

Our bodies are designed to kick into “auto-pilot” when we are stressed… Our body processes slow down to conserve its resources in case we need to “fight or flee.” For example, our blood pressure rises but our blood flow to the brain decreases. This causes our “emotional” brain to increase, while our “rational” brain decreases. This is why we often find ourselves saying or doing things in “the heat of the moment” which we later regret. This is also why, from a physical standpoint, regaining control is extremely important.

At this point, it is vital to recognize what is happening, which I now realized was the purpose for keeping the diary…

This is where I began to make changes…

I knew the first step was to regain control of myself physically. Only then could I begin to regain control of my thoughts. And from there, I was able to change my perception of the situation. This change of perception, I realized, is my own spiritual growth… and this is where change happens.

This is where I recognize those places I do have control. Then, I am able to set appropriate boundaries and hold on. (I say, “hold on,” because if setting boundaries is new for you, others will have a hard time accepting that you have done so. But hang in there… It will get better.)

So, this week, I did just that… I worked hard on those things I can control – my physical response and the boundaries I needed to set. I did a lot of praying for strength, and I surrendered to God those things I couldn’t control.

So, what was my boundary this week? I stood up for myself. I told the friend who let me down that I was hurt and angry by what they did. I told them, I still care about them and can work with them, but I don’t trust them and will no longer confide in them.

That may not seem like much but it was a big deal for me… It is about baby steps… I know I don’t have to do it all at once.

This will be a new part of my journey. Going forward, I just need to keep in mind handling my stressors involves:
1. The desire to be in control and recognize the stressors when I am not in control.
2. When I judge myself and decide I’m not good enough, I need to remember God created me… I have value… That means it’s okay to accept myself and stand up for myself.
3. Those who love me provide those relationships which see in me what I can’t see in myself.
4. My own spiritual growth is what will allow me to change my perception and handle life’s stressors.

I hope this didn’t sound “preachy” today… That is not my intent. This was a week of growth for me, and I wanted to share it since I have learned so much. I just hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are ALL dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… I am So Very Sorry, Las Vegas

I am a firm believer that what you allow into your mind (what you listen to) has a direct effect on your outlook and mood. Therefore, I don’t listen to the news first thing in the morning. My day starts in the wee hours of the morning when I get up to run or work out before the rest of the world starts to stir. But the news is not what I listen to… Those early morning hours are my time… My time for self-improvement – both physically and mentally. I am very particular about what I listen to during this time… It is either some type of spiritual, motivational, behavioral speaker or some type of historical or scientific documentary. In other words, something to make my world or my mind a little bit better… not something to make my world darker or more negative.

I put “it” off as long as I can… I am usually in the car, halfway to work before I finally turn on the news to catch up on the things I know I need to know. So, even though I had been awake for several hours, it was 6:30 AM on Monday morning when I first heard the news… There had been a mass shooting at a country music concert in Las Vegas. They were already predicting it to be the worst mass shooting in US history – even worse than the Pulse shooting here last year.

I was stunned. Even though I don’t know anyone in Las Vegas, it still hit me like a ton of bricks. As I sat there listening to audio tape of the shooting, tears flowed down my cheeks… I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the confusion, panic and pain that must have transpired in those few minutes and throughout the aftermath.

Immediately, my thoughts went to the many families who would be affected by this. So many people grieving… So many people hurting… and no apparent answers to any of their questions.

I can’t imagine that kind of pain…

I have a friend who lost her husband in a boating accident where the person responsible was drunk. I have another friend who lost her son in a motorcycle accident where he was stopped at a stop sign and the responsible party took the turn too wide and killed him. Each of these women has not only had to deal with their grief, they have also had to process the anger that comes from someone taking the life of someone they love way too soon… I can’t imagine it… Thankfully, I didn’t have to add that to my grief, as well.

There was no one to blame for Bruce’s death… When Bruce died, he was in his own bed. We had enjoyed each other’s company the night before, and we were laying in each other’s arms. Suddenly I was wide awake – moving in what felt like a dream… calling 911 and desperately trying to save my husband. And while there are a lot of days when I blame myself for not saving him, there really isn’t anyone to blame.

But… for the people in Las Vegas there is someone to blame. One person made a decision to take the lives of as many people as possible. I can’t comprehend that… There is not one piece of that thought process that makes sense in my head. How in the world does someone have that much hate inside them?? … And how do you grieve when you have to process your own (valid) anger, on top of the pain of loss?

I don’t know… I’ve never been there… But it must be horrendous.

This week there has been a lot of talk about killings, guns, and politics… I’m not going to talk about that here. I know we all come from different experiences which create our individual opinions, and whether I agree or not, I respect each person’s right to their opinion. Besides, that’s not what this blog is about… For these already hurting people, it would be wrong to turn their grief into a political statement here… Based on my own grief experience, I know they all have a long, hard road ahead… For their sake, I wish this had never happened. I wish they didn’t have to bear this pain… And I am sure no one wishes it more than they do.

So many times this week, I have wished Bruce were still here… I need him to hold me and reassure me we will get through this. I need his wisdom and his calming presence to understand how to process the hate that created this tragic situation… It breaks my heart to know that this is something which seems to be more and more common in our world today.

While my grandson has no idea of the events of last Sunday, he is growing up in this world… a world which seems to hate more and more each day. How do I help him to live in this world and not give in to the hate which seems to be so prevalent?

The only thing I know to do is to teach him to love…

Yes, I know there are a lot of people who will laugh and say that is a weak, head-in-the-clouds response. Honestly, I don’t really care what they say… For me, it is the only response which will make a difference.

As a widow, I have spent the last 4+ years feeling more like someone on the outside looking in – observing life and observing people… From this viewpoint, adding hate to hate only seems to increase the hate…. So maybe it’s time to try something else…

I’m not sure I know how, and I’m not saying it is easy. In fact, it goes against everything I feel right now. But, if my response is hate, then I am no better than the man who did this on Sunday or the countless others who have let their hate drive their thoughts and behavior. I don’t want to do that… I don’t want to be that person…

So, maybe… just maybe… It’s time to do something different… Maybe it really is time to bring love to the presence of hate…

Everyone deals with grief and the anger it can create in their own way and in their own time… To the families affected by the shooting in Las Vegas this week, I extend my deepest condolences. I can’t imagine the pain and grief in your hearts.

This blog today is only my thoughts and observations this week as I find myself trying to understand something that can’t be understood, and wishing Bruce were still by my side to help me feel safe… Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings us individual challenges and lessons, and through it, we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Learn to Be Lonely

Learn to Be Lonely
Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness
Who will be there for you?
Comfort and care for you?
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion
Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
Your heart was on its own
So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived
Life can be loved
Alone
~Andrew Lloyd Webber, Phantom of the Opera

I heard this song the other day, and it really hit home with me… Almost immediately, my eyes filled with tears, and I thought, “Yes, exactly! That is where I am.” … Learning to live alone… and learning how to love that life despite being alone.

According to the dictionary, “lonely” has several definitions. The one that seems to hit home for me is “Without others of a similar kind.” I think that is why I often feel so lonely… because within my family and my closest friends, I am the only widow. So, while I am around people almost all the time, I am the only one that knows what this feels like… how hard it can be… how lonely it can be…

And how determined I am to not just live my life, but to love it, too…

That is the hard part – loving it…

I love the people I am with – my family and my friends. I love the laughter and adventures we share. I love taking trips together. I love simple debates and intimate conversations… I love all these things and more.

But…

I miss being held and feeling the safety of his arms. I miss looks across the room that convey an entire conversation without a word being spoken. I miss sharing a private joke and dreaming about our future together. I miss caring for each other and supporting each other. I miss hugs when I’m down or for absolutely no reason at all. I miss extra dishes in the sink and seeing his beer in the frig… I miss the way he wore shorts in the dead of winter and always cooked in his bare feet. I miss being greeted at the door with a glass of wine and dancing in the kitchen. There is so much… And I miss it all!

I am alone.
All alone.
No longer is there someone to listen at the end of the day.
No longer are there arms to hug me or lips to kiss away the hurt.
No longer is there someone to say, “I love you… That’s all we need.”
All that greets me is silence, emptiness and my own thoughts…
I am alone…
All alone.
~ Linda, September 2013

I know life goes on… That is a reality I have had to accept.

I have learned to smile again (at least on the outside). I am learning to have fun again and to laugh again. I am learning to step out on my own and push beyond my comfort zone. In other words, I am learning to live again… Only this time, I have to learn how to do it without Bruce… without anyone to tell me how to make this work… In fact, I have to do this without having any idea how to do this…

In other words, I have to “learn to be lonely” … and still be okay…

Everyone deals with grief and the loneliness it creates in their own way and in their own time… These are only my thoughts and observations this week as I find myself trying to push myself to try a few new things (even if it is beyond my comfort zone). Maybe grief has been that way for you, as well. Learning to navigate this journey tends to show us we are stronger than we thought we were, even when our loneliness leaves us feeling completely vulnerable. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Fear

What scares you? I guess what I’m really asking is – what is your greatest fear?

When I was a little girl, I was terrified of bears. (Okay, I still am to be honest.) I grew up with woods on two sides of our yard, and a path through those woods which led to my grandparents’ home. The fairy tales we read as children came alive in my mind each time we entered those woods… sometimes that was fun and other times it was terrifying. By the time I was four, the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears brought on nightmares for days! I just knew one day I would be eaten by a bear in those woods, and no one could convince me otherwise.

As I got older, different fears came and went… There were the “fun” fears brought on by horror movies and haunted houses, as well as the fears which accompanied insecurities, such as adolescence or being a first-time mother. I remember as a teenager, hearing an acronym for fear – false evidence appearing real. At the time, it seemed like a nice idea – a good way to talk yourself out of being afraid…

But, what if your fear turns out to be real?

I remember when Bruce and I were married, my biggest fear was the idea that we wouldn’t have a “forever” together. I didn’t whine about it… I simply believed it. I didn’t believe I would be “allowed” to be that happy for very long. What I knew was throughout my adult life, I had found if I felt happy, it never lasted for long. I couldn’t explain it… It just was.

For example, I had known the thrill of being pregnant for the first time, only to lose that child in childbirth. I had known beautiful, deep friendships, which ended abruptly because we never stayed in one place for very long. I knew the relief of leaving a violent relationship, only to be stalked and threatened for years. I knew the security of “enough money” only to have it all embezzled by a “friend.”

I’m not ridiculous… I know a lot of this is just life… I realize I made choices which impacted each of these situations. However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that that God himself didn’t feel I deserved happiness… Which brought on my biggest fear… My fear of losing Bruce.

I knew without a doubt, I was too happy… I had never known happiness like I knew with Bruce. I couldn’t imagine a life without him. As time passed, I just knew something was going to happen…

I would tell Bruce I was scared. I told him I knew God would never allow me to be this happy for very long. In response, he would just chuckle or shake his head, pull me close and kiss me or simply hold me tight… But, even he could not take away my fear.

I remember one evening about a month before he passed away, I asked Bruce a question I had asked many times. I asked if he thought we would ever really sail the Caribbean like we always dreamed of doing. When I had asked before, he had always laughed and said, “Of course! Nothing’s changed. That’s still the plan.” But on this particular night, he responded, “I don’t know if I’ll live that long.” Immediately, I told him that wasn’t funny… Losing him was my biggest fear, and I couldn’t stand to even joke about it… Then, he winked at me and laughed.

A month later, my biggest fear became my reality… Bruce lay beside me dying and despite doing everything I knew to do… I lost him… Just like that, he was gone, and I hadn’t been able to stop it. My worst nightmare had come true… We would never have a “forever.”

I was very angry for a long time… Angry at God… Angry at myself… Just angry… And I didn’t know what to do with it. This wasn’t “false evidence appearing real” … This was real…

While I still have my days, the anger hasn’t lasted… In fact, as time has passed, I am reminded daily that at least for a little while, we were happy…

Bruce meant more to me than I could ever explain… He taught me how to love and how to live… He made me laugh and held me when I cried… He was my whole world, and at the same time, respected who I am as an individual.

Because of all of this, I know I don’t need to fear anything… For as long as I remember who we were, he will always be a part of who I am…

Everyone fears something. Sometimes we don’t even know what it is until we experience it. Maybe grief has been that way for others, as well. Learning to navigate through the fear of grief is different for everyone… But remembering and honoring those we lost can sometimes help us overcome that fear… Learning we are stronger than we thought takes time. Yet, time is the very thing we need to navigate this journey. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Some Relationships Change; Some Don’t…

Yesterday on Facebook, I read a question on La Vita è Bella… What is the percentage of friends and family members who are lost after the death of a spouse? The answers ranged from 25% – 90%… Reading the stories shared along with the numbers saddened me…

When Bruce passed away, I did a lot of reading about death and grief… I wanted to know what to expect. I wanted to know how to survive this path my life had taken. But mostly, I wanted someone to tell me how to make it stop hurting! I’m afraid, though, I really only found answers to the first question – what to expect.

I found a lot of information… What I learned was everything I read was not accurate for everyone. Each person writes from their own experience… And while some experiences are shared… others are not. I found myself reading everything… Not knowing what lay ahead, I wanted to be prepared.

Almost every book, article, website, etc. stated that relationships would change – some for the better and some not. Looking back, I don’t know why this was such a surprise… Even in my divorce years ago, I had found this to be true. Each of these authors also gave a warning – to expect your in-laws to fade out of your life…

This left me in a panic… I love my in-laws!

Bruce’s sisters were like my own sisters… We were constantly in contact with each other; we travel together; we share secrets… and we loved each other. And his parents… Oh my gosh! His parents have made me feel loved from the moment we met… I have called them “Mom” and “Dad” for as long as I can remember. We talked constantly and visited each other all the time… I loved them, too.

I had already lost Bruce… The idea of losing Bruce’s family too was more than I could handle. I remember when they were leaving after Bruce’s memorial… I shared what I had read and begged them not to lose touch… not to walk out of my life…

They chuckled at me (the same way Bruce did when he thought I was worried about nothing), hugged me and assured me they would never leave me behind… And they haven’t.

I have been blessed! Through the years, our relationships have not only remained intact – They have gotten stronger…

In fact, last weekend I went to Bruce’s parent’s home to attend their family reunion. In the days preceding the visit, I started getting nervous… Bruce and I always went to the reunions while he was alive, but this was my first time going alone… The more I thought about it, the more nervous I became.

What if I had misinterpreted the invitation? What if they had only invited me to be kind? Did they really want me there? Once I was there, what if they felt I was just a reminder that Bruce is gone? Surely, they must wonder why he is gone, and I am here… I know, I do.

But none of that played out. Instead, I found myself surrounded by people who love and miss Bruce as much as I do. It was so cathartic to be able to talk about him freely, cry when needed, and never once feel judged or like I was a nuisance. It was such a refreshing weekend, both emotionally and physically!

I miss Bruce… I miss him every day… That being said, I am so thankful I don’t have to miss his family, too… And for me, having these wonderful people in my life keeps a piece of Bruce in my life, as well. I am so thankful the experience I read about so long ago has not been my experience… And yes, I know I am blessed.

Learning to navigate through this journey really is different for everyone… For many of us, the changes in our relationships after our loss can be confusing and overwhelming. At a time when life is hard, these changes have the potential to make it harder. Learning to navigate these changes and appreciate the love we are offered is as individual as each relationship, and we move through it at our own pace and in our own way. If any of this feels familiar, we are here… You are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… What Does It Mean to Heal?

Grief… It may be a small word, but it is not a simple word… In fact, for such a small word, there are a lot of emotions and thoughts wrapped up into it… For example, there are different types of grief, depending on the relationship… And there are different stages of grief, which is a farce I’ve discussed before. Then, there is a grief journey, which is really just your life’s journey that took a sharp turn down a long, dark road. And the list could go on and on…

Today, though, I was thinking about an idea you hear a lot about… The idea of healing from grief. To start, let’s define “heal.” In the dictionary, it is defined as follows: “to become sound, healthy or whole again.” Hmmm… interesting idea, but it doesn’t seem to fit with grief… not really…

When Bruce passed away, many of those who had never been on this path, (We’ll call them “the others.”), kept telling me it would “get better with time,” and eventually, I would “feel whole again.” On the other hand, other widows and those who had also experienced deep loss, told me up front, “This will always hurt. You just learn to live with it.”

As time has moved on, “the others” continue to ask or advise me about moving on. But those who are on this journey too, continue to say, “This will always hurt. You just learn to live with it.” … And now, after four-plus years, I know who I believe.

But, I also think there is a little more to it…

Whether the loss which precedes grief is sudden or whether it comes after an extended period of time, it leaves you in a state of shock… The initial reality is hard to accept or comprehend in those first few days or weeks. Once you realize this is real, that is when the grief sets in… (After all, you can’t grief what you can’t comprehend.)

The thing about loss and grief… They leave you in a place where nothing makes sense… a place where nothing is the way it was… a place of complete and utter weakness. So, here you are, trying to figure everything out, make decisions, take care of the “legalities of death,” all while you are emotionally (and maybe even physically) weak… possibly the weakest you have ever been… And as you keep pushing forward, you learn to live in that place of weakness… And that is grief…

As time moves on, some of the numbness and shock begins to wear off, but the feeling of having the breath knocked out of you remains… And then, things get even stranger…

There are days (and maybe even weeks) where you feel okay… where you start to learn to function outside of that weak space… And you think, “I’m doing better. I’m going to be okay.” Then suddenly, you find yourself struggling to breathe again, and you are right back in that space of weakness… That same space where you started.

The grief journey (at least for me) seems to be a path where I will always hurt… There are good days where I feel strong, and there are bad days when I feel so incredibly weak again… So the healing is not really about moving on, letting go or even the hurt going away…

No, I think, maybe… just maybe, the healing happens as we allow ourselves those weak moments when they happen (and they will happen) – being gentle rather than hard on ourselves when they happen… But also not staying in that space for any longer than we need to…

In other words, any healing is actually about accepting our weakness while learning to live in our strength.

And no matter where we find ourselves on any given day, always remember – come from a place of love and be gentle with yourself… because that is where our strength is found.

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… For many of us, the changes in us created by our grief can be confusing and overwhelming to ourselves and others. Learning to be open to new possibilities can feel impossible at times and at other times, this is what gives us hope. We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… and we each have our own experiences that help us make it through. If this feels familiar, we are here… you are not alone. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.