Tag: peace

Peace, Love and Grief… Not a Day for Celebrating

“I haven’t heard your voice in years,
But my heart has conversations with you every day.”
~ all-greatquotes.com

It’s hard to believe another year has passed without him… Eight years… I have struggled with this reality this week, and my emotions are all over the place.

Mostly I miss him… I sit and listen to music that we always had playing here at home, (Jimmy Buffet, Kenny Chesney, Bob Marley, and Rod Stewart). Each song invokes another memory… A moment in time captured in my heart. This week, that has meant the tears well up in my eyes and slide slowly down my cheeks. At this point, it feels like all the air has been squeezed out of my lungs, and my heart hurts – literally hurts. I usually end up just sitting down on the floor, either trying to pull myself back together, or I find myself talking to Bruce and telling him how hard this is… And asking why he had to leave me here… without him.

I have also laughed this week as my family has shared stories and memories about this man we all loved. I love to hear my grandson, who was a mere three years old when Bruce died, tell a story about Bruce. More than likely, he is remembering stories he has been told, but to hear him tell them, makes me smile… Actually, it makes us all smile.

There has also been another emotion this week. One I used to feel a lot back in the beginning, (but was too ashamed to talk about). Not one I usually have now-a-days. Yet, I have definitely felt it more and more lately… I’m talking about anger. I’m mad. I haven’t been mad – really mad – at Bruce for dying in years. However, with the chaos happening in our country, I am.

I’m kind of ashamed to admit it, but I am…

When Bruce was here, I always called him my gentle giant… He was one of those people who wouldn’t hurt a flea. That is unless his family was threatened. Then, that was a different story. He would do whatever he felt was necessary to protect those he loved. It didn’t happen often, but more than once I watched as he did exactly that… It might mean something as small as installing additional locks around the house or putting himself between me and whatever threat he felt was around. Then again, it might mean taking on a group of men down in the islands with no thought to his odds since there were four of them and only one of him. Whatever it was, though, he seemed to always feel like it was his job to ensure that those he loved were safe.

This week as I have watched the news and all that has unfolded (so far), I am scared. I am scared of where all of this may lead… I’ve said for years, this was the direction we were heading, but I have prayed I was wrong… Evidently, I wasn’t… And now, I have to face whatever is coming without his protection… And I know it’s silly, but that makes me mad.

And I don’t understand…

Tomorrow will include a lot of memories from our last day together – from the kisses as we left for work in the morning to the kisses as we crawled into bed that night. Then, I have to face Tuesday… It will be 8 years since I awoke in the wee hours of the morning to the sounds of Bruce dying… Once again, I will relive those horrific hours of calling 911, doing CPR, the ride to the hospital, the doctor telling me he was gone, sitting with his body in disbelief, the ride back home, walking into the house, seeing the disarray left by EMS…. And wandering throughout the house, not knowing what to do… Not even sure if I could even take the next breath.

I always take these days off from work. I have to… Not to celebrate… This is not a day for celebrating. A celebration is the furthest thing from my mind. It is a day of absolute and total grief for me. It is day of trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. I don’t think it will matter how many years pass, this day will always be a reminder of how much I loved him… and how much I lost… A reminder that life can change in a breath, and the best we can do is to hang onto those we love while we can… because we never know what the next moment will bring.

I don’t think it really matters how long you loved someone… I think grief is more about how much you loved them. Each year, we must face the anniversary of that loss, and it is hard. It is a reminder that we are still here, and they aren’t. For some of us, this can create an emotional roller coaster. As for me, I thank you for the continued opportunity to share my feelings and experiences with you… (Like the ones this week.) It makes me feel as if there are others out there who understand what I mean and what I feel.

It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Another Year

“Because when we experience the loss of a life partner,
we often lose someone who makes us feel seen, heard, and secure.”
~ Dr. Katherine Shear

I can’t believe it is a new year… 2021. I can’t believe I am facing another year alone… Another year without him. Some days it feels like it has been forever since I last hear his voice, and other days it seems like only yesterday I was lying in his arms. It doesn’t really matter, though because either way, my feelings are the same – I miss him.

I miss my friend. I miss my lover. I miss my “partner in crime.” I miss having someone around who (for the most part) gets me. (And when he didn’t, he was pretty good at either faking it or going along with me anyway.) It’s like there is another half to my soul, and he filled it perfectly… but now he is gone, and that space is a void.

Sometimes I can’t breathe for the pain of it.
Other times I smile and laugh
At the thought of our memories.
You were always that way…
Making me smile or laugh when I wanted to cry…
When the pain was so bad.
Now my heart hurts…
Truly physically hurts with the missing of you.
I feel your soul.
I know you are here.
But I need to see your eyes and your smile,
Feel the comfort of your arms.
I want to breathe in your presence
And feel your love in all these things.
But that isn’t to be…
All I have are the memories…
The memories of our love…
And…
Sometimes I can’t breathe for the pain of it.
~ Linda 2013

I am not an extroverted person. I’m not shy – I’m just not an aggressive conversationalist. I tend to listen more than I talk. But when I do talk, I like to be heard… Bruce was that person for me. He was the one who always made me feel heard. Even when neither of us was saying a word, I never felt invisible when he was by my side… A gentle touch of his hand or a certain look in my direction, and I knew that he knew… I miss that invisible, quiet communication.

I read an article this week about the loneliness of grief. (*) I think that is what I am dread the most… The loneliness that seems to go on and on. Yes, I have friends and family who love me, and I love them. We spend time together – we hang out, we laugh, and we genuinely enjoy being together. I’m not depressed. I don’t go around with tears in my eyes. I enjoy life, and we have a good time (even with all the craziness of this past year).

I guess what I’m trying to say it that it isn’t the same. If it were, there wouldn’t have been a space for Bruce to fill within my own soul in the first place. Sure, life is fun… I look forward to each day and what it has to offer. I make plans – I do things, and it is all great.

Yet, none of that changes the fact that this world is still a lonely place for me… without him.

Life moves on.
Time passes.
But my heart stands still,
Lost in a space
Where I can still hear your voice,
Where your smile still greets mine,
Frozen in this space
Where you should be…
But you aren’t.
~ Linda, 2020

* Here is the link for that article I mentioned: https://www.self.com/story/checking-in-podcast-grief-loneliness-loss

I don’t think it really matters if your loss is recent or if it has been a while, facing a new year can be hard. It can be a reminder that we are still here, and they aren’t. This can sometimes create an emotional roller coaster, because grief changes how we look at life and the world around us. It changes how we experience everything. Sometimes the best we can do is to just keep trying – don’t quit… don’t give up on yourself. And don’t be scared to reach out to others and ask for what you need. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… All I Want for Christmas

“All I want for Christmas is you.” ~ Mariah Carey & Walter Afanasieff

Today, I sit here listening to the Christmas music on the radio and staring at the lights on our tree. It’s beautiful… It’s all so beautiful.

So why am I crying?

After all, my entire life I have loved this season. I love everything about it… But this year, I am struggling to find the Christmas spirit. I’m trying! I really am, but it feels so elusive this year… What’s wrong with me?

Despite the craziness in the world right now, our family has been so blessed this year. We have loved having this time together as a family. Instead of spending our days rushing from one thing to the next, it has been so nice to just enjoy the simple things like family walks, playing games, doing puzzles, and even making up our own crazy, three-person version of badminton. It’s all been pretty fun… And now with the holidays, we are relearning how to enjoy this season without all the parades and parties. Instead, we are keeping this simple too. It’s different, but I love it. I do! It’s great!

So why am I struggling?

I know part of it is that despite the years, I still wish Bruce were here to share it… I hate that he is gone. I hate doing this without him (again). I would give anything for just one more holiday season with him. That is really all I want for Christmas – to be able to share all the things I love about this season with him just one more time… But that isn’t to be… And that makes me sad.

I have found myself crying every night this week. It’s not just that I miss Bruce – although that is a huge piece of it. It’s more than that. You see, most days, I can almost feel him next to me, and that brings me a certain peace… Many times, that is what gets me through those days when the world around me feels overwhelming, as well as those nights when I find myself reaching out in the dark to find emptiness beside me.

The last few days, though, I haven’t felt that… I haven’t felt him near me. I haven’t felt that peace… I feel like I am on my own, (which I know, I technically am)… But it feels different. It’s hard to explain.

When Bruce died, I felt lost… abandoned… completely hopeless. I didn’t really care what the next day held, because no matter what a day might hold, it would be without Bruce. However, as time has passed, I really have learned to feel hope again… I have learned to appreciate the brevity of life and the preciousness of each moment. I think that is why I am struggling with the season this year… There is an inner struggle between missing what was and appreciating what is.

I treasure the memories of our Christmases together. Yet, I don’t want to miss out on the memories we are making this year. I know this time is precious too… I just wish there were a way to have it all – Christmas now… but with Bruce, too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXQViqx6GMY&ab_channel=MariahCareyVEVO

I know it’s okay to feel what I feel. I know I can’t work through a feeling, if I don’t allow myself to feel it in the first place. So, I guess, I will keep this simple too… I will be good to myself. I will surround myself with people who love me and understand. I will ask for lots of extra hugs and patience, as I find my way through my emotions and this season.

In the end, I know I won’t get all I want for Christmas. No matter how hard I wish it, Bruce will not be here. That is reality. However, I truly believe that over the next few days, I can find that spirit of love and hope because of the people around me… People I love… People I treasure… People I keep close to my heart…

The holidays can hard, confusing, and an emotional roller coaster, when you are experiencing grief. Grief changes how we look at life and the world around us. It changes how we experience everything. This can make it hard to find the Christmas spirit and even harder to celebrate. Sometimes the best we can do is to just keep trying – don’t quit… don’t give up on yourself. Ask for what you need. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Things I Miss…

Throughout this season the memories seem to come fast and furious. Each tradition… each decoration holds a memory. While at the same time, we are busy creating new ones. I become nostalgic when those memories are from my own childhood. My kids and I often find ourselves laughing at some of the memories from their childhood. When the memories involve Bruce, I find myself missing him and wishing he were here. And the funny thing is most of the time these are all happening at once.

For example,…

I can remember my grandfather stuffing everyone into his car and driving us downtown to see all the lights. When my kids were little, I kept this tradition… Every Christmas Eve, I loaded all the kids into the car, and off we went to see the neighborhood lights. When Bruce and I got married, he knew right away how much I love Christmas lights. (Mainly because I don’t hide it very well.) I remember how excited he was that first year when he continued the tradition and took me to one of those huge drive-through light displays. In fact, we went every year, even when we moved here to Florida.

To this day, that is still one of my favorite traditions… In fact, the other day on our way home from dinner, my daughter took a short detour. Suddenly, there we were driving around looking at lights. It was wonderful… and at the same time, I just kept wishing Bruce were there, too…

Decorating the tree is another one… As a kid, I used to love decorating the tree. My parents always waited until mid-December, and by that time, my excitement level was over the top. With my own kids, we always bought our tree the weekend after Thanksgiving, and started decorating it right away. Each of the kids had their own “special” decorations that they loved to put on the tree, so it was a process… But it was a fun process.

When Bruce and I got married, he added another tradition… We didn’t just buy a tree. According to his family tradition, we went to a tree farm where the youngest child picked the tree. That first year it was my youngest who got to do honors. Then, Bruce laid on his belly in the snow and cut it down. (Just thinking about that day, makes my heart warm.)

Eventually, it was just the two of us, so we changed it up a bit. Since we had met at Christmas time in the tropics, we decided to change out the fir tree for a palm tree. This new tradition was original, and it was perfectly “us.” Every year, even since he died, that palm tree has been strung up with lights… And it makes me smile.

Now, there a is child in the house again. So, we are back to the huge fir tree with all the decorations from when my kids were little, plus all the new ones collected through the last few years. It is overloaded, and it is beautiful. I love how it smells. I love the lights. I love the decorations and the stories they hold. I love all of it… and at the same time, I just keep wishing Bruce were here to love it, too…

Then, there is the music… I love Christmas music! I have sung in choirs since I was about three years old, and Christmas time always meant special songs and special performances… As a child, I loved the white robes with the huge red bows, as much as the Nativity costumes where I inevitably was dressed as an angel complete with halo and wings.

As an adult, I also directed choirs, so there was a whole new excitement and preparation for the season. (Actually, I think I just enjoyed the excuse to start listening and singing Christmas music much earlier than would otherwise be acceptable.) Either way, through the years, Christmas became synonymous with Christmas music – there was never one without the other. Christmas always meant rehearsals and concerts… Music seemed to fill every extra minute (if there even is such a thing) during this season.

After Bruce and I were married, even he learned to love the Christmas music… His favorites were the Charlie Brown Soundtrack and the John Denver and Muppets Christmas Album. I used to love coming home to find one of those playing on the stereo, and him humming along as he cooked… It was simply perfect!

After he died, I stopped singing… I just couldn’t do it anymore. It took a couple of years before I could sing again… And it was Christmas music that re-ignited my heart and my voice. For the first few years, I hadn’t been able to even listen to it. Then one year, as I was driving, John Denver and the Muppets singing The Twelve Days of Christmas came on the radio. Without even thinking about it, I found myself singing along… and smiling. It seemed that while I had lost my passion to sing when he died, somehow, here he was giving that gift back to me years later.

This year, I am simply humming… Due damage to my vocal folds from the radiation treatments years ago, I can no longer sing. I can hum though! So, even now, Christmas music is playing just about 24/7… and I am humming along with every song, while my grandson, (who now knows all the words), sings along. I love it! It makes me smile all day long… and at the same time, I just keep wishing Bruce were here, too…

I love this season. I love everything about it…. I simply wish Bruce were here to share it… Just one more time… Just one more season… Because that is what I miss most – sharing all the things I love about this season with him.

This can be a hard, confusing, emotional season when you are experiencing deep grief. Grief changes how we look at life and the world around us. It changes how we experience the holidays. This can make it hard to celebrate and even harder to be joyful. Yet, it is in remembering and finding those blessings that we are able to celebrate at all.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What are the things you miss most about the way you shared this season with your loved one? Have you had to make any changes in order to navigate this season? How do you manage those? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… The Holidays

As the holidays draw closer and closer… I find myself in a quandary trying to figure out how to take the next step…

“Hey Babe!
Such a week! The holidays can be so much fun… and yet, still so hard… like an emotional roller coaster. Some days, I literally bask in all the family, holiday craziness. It is so fun to share this season with the people I love and to see Christmas through the eyes of my grandson, who is finally old enough to recognize our family traditions and truly help (not “help”) with the decorations. I love it! It makes my heart so joyful!

We have Christmas music playing from the minute we wake up until we finally go to bed at night. And even though I am no longer able to sing (vocal cord damage from the cancer treatments years ago), I still try to hum along as best I can. We haven’t managed to get the tree up yet, but we will… Besides, the family time has been the best!

Then, the next thing you know, it happens. I find myself thinking about you, Babe… and that first Christmas… I remember decorating the condo while you were at work. I was so excited. I couldn’t wait for you to come home… But when you walked in, you literally stopped in your tracks and just stared. No words… no expression on your face.

“Oh no!” I thought. “I’ve ‘messed up’” …. I was so scared you hated it! But then, you got the biggest grin! I remember you hugging me so tight and saying something like, “This absolutely feels like Christmas! I think these are the best Christmas decorations I have ever seen. Thank you! Thank you for bringing the joy of Christmas back into my world!”

… At this point, I cry… I cry because now my joy is gone…

Then, I look around at our current situation and think, “You would love this! You would be so excited to watch our grandson and share all that this season has to offer with this precious boy.”

And if I am going to be honest (which I am), there also have been a few times this week when I have been angry… very angry… I am almost ashamed to admit it, but sometimes I am so mad at you, Babe. You died too soon! And you left me here… alone… And honestly… that pisses me off sometimes! My heart breaks! You were too young! It was too soon! We didn’t have enough time! … And sometimes, I don’t think I will ever get used to this.

Life without you is hard… And the holidays without you is even harder. I don’t know why it was decided that this was our path. It still feels so wrong… Our love was so complete, and our time was too short. So many nights this week have ended with me sitting in the middle of our room – crying and wondering why... And knowing there will never be an answer to that question.

But… life goes on… This season still has a few more weeks. I know there will be more triggers, more memories, and more emotions. That means there will be more joy… and more tears. But for now, I will try to feel you next to me… experiencing all these precious moments with us.

I miss you, Babe, and I love you… Always and forever!”

If you’re like me and missing someone this Christmas, this song is dedicated to you…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yFXfAGl17M&list=RDQMD96WatA2lck&ab_channel=ThePianoGuys

This can be a hard, confusing, emotional season when you are experiencing deep grief. Grief changes how we look at life and the world around us. It changes how we experience the holidays. This can make it hard to celebrate and even harder to be joyful. Yet, it is in remembering and finding those blessings that we are able to celebrate at all. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What changes have you had to navigate on this journey? How do you manage those? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… A Season to be Thankful

This is the season when we all focus on the blessings in our lives, right? It is a season to be thankful for all those blessings. Yet, at this time of year, I somehow always find myself struggling. I want to be thankful… In fact, I am thankful. However, I seem to always find myself caught between emotions. I am torn between missing Bruce and not wanting to celebrate the holidays without him (again), and wanting to completely submerge myself into celebrating the holidays with my loved ones and turn my back on the memories of the past… Memories that I wish more than anything were real right now.

This year, my grandson was supposed to spend Thanksgiving with his father. Because we didn’t feel safe putting him on a plane with the pandemic, we chose to meet halfway. For our little family, we made the decision to rent a small house on the river there for the week, rather than drive back and forth (and back and forth). It has been a lovely little place, quiet and peaceful, with a dock, kayaks, and fishing. It is also the town where Bruce’s parents used to live. So, for me, there are a lot of sweet, sweet memories here.

From the minute we drove into town, I felt my heart smiling. This has been such a special week as we have visited every spot where Bruce and I used to hang out whenever we were here. What a blessing to be here!

Still, at the same time, there is a part of me that wants to just sit down and cry… Where is he? Why isn’t he here with us? Even at a strange table, there is an empty chair beside me that breaks my heart…

Then, as fate would have it, my father sent me an email… Because of the virus, he and my mother are spending the holiday alone… as are most of us. I hate it… Part of what gets me through this season is being surrounded by family – focusing on the people I love. While I know he was speaking from his own heart, his words spoke to my own, as well…

“I was just thinking earlier of Thanksgivings and Christmases past, and hoping that your day will be one like those: overflowing with warmth and happy pandemonium, wrapped in family and in the love of family, and conscious of all that you (and we) have been given. Amid all the things we allow to bother us, there’s much to be thankful for, isn’t there? Much more of blessings than of burdens; much more of hope than of discouragement; much more of love than of whatever exists in the absence of love. (I honestly don’t know what that would be; I’ve only known love.)

Look around you at the faces you love. You’re looking at an inventory of unspeakable blessing; take the opportunity and let it fill your heart, and then you’ll be ready to give thanks to the Source of all that blessing.

In our hearts we’ll be doing that same thing. We do it often, anyway. And don’t read anything into this email except joy. Life brings changes, but they’re not as bad as the world would have you believe. I honestly believe the changes just help us to get our priorities straight. ‘There is a season for everything under heaven,’ and our time — our age, frankly — is a good time for getting priorities straight. Our day will be as happy and as joyous… and as thankful as yours. Quieter, perhaps, but happy. All of the blessings of years past are still ours, in memory and in fact, so we have much to be thankful for — grateful for — too.” ~ My dad

I have pondered these words several times this week and let them simply soak in… basking in the love and courage they express… Finding my own strength, by listening to his words of faith as a reminder of all the blessings – past and present – that make up my life.

Our God truly is a good God… And I have been blessed. So, I thank you, God, for not only giving me a season to be thankful, but for the faith of those I love who remind me of all the many blessings I have to be thankful for!

This can be a tough season when you are experiencing deep grief. Grief changes how we look at life and the world around us. This can make it hard to celebrate and even harder to be thankful. Yet, it is in remembering and finding those blessings that we are able to celebrate at all. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What changes have you had to navigate on this journey? How do you manage those? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Changes

Changes… Lots of changes… I sometimes think might be one of the hardest parts of losing someone you love… all of the unending changes. It seems like every time I feel as I am getting steady on my feet again, I find one more thing in my life that has or is changing. And, yes, I know that is life in general, but this is different… These are changes that seem to have a direct connection back to Bruce and the reality of losing this man I love so very much.

Some things that have changed are things I expected, such as the empty chair at the table, or only my car in the driveway. Those were the concrete reminders of life without Bruce. However, there have been other changes, less visible yet much more profound.

I think two of the biggest areas of change for me are my own personality and, as a direct result, many of my relationships…

While I have heard it before, over the last few weeks, I have read several articles about the impact of traumatic events, and how they change us. I know it’s true… I have no doubt, because in my experience, after 23 years in a chaotic marriage, the change was huge. I had gone from being a confident (and probably a little bit stubborn) person before the marriage to being someone who struggled with trust and had absolutely no self-confidence by the end. It took years of counseling, patience, and tons of unconditional love to move through the debris that had been left of in the wake of that trauma.

But in my mind, the worst was over. I wasn’t a victim; I was a survivor! I had mustered up the courage I needed one last time and left. I had made changes. And with Bruce in my corner, I had once again found that self-confidence from years ago.

But then, just as quickly as he had come into my life, he was gone, and my world went black… Forget being confident… Forget anything… I struggled with the mere thought of simply taking my next breath.

All my life
I knew you were missing.
Then, like a miracle
You were there.
And,
Just as suddenly,
You were gone.
My soul cries…
~ Linda, October 2020

Talk about a traumatic event… It has been almost eight years, and it still brings tears to my eyes several times a week. It’s funny… I like to think I am “back to normal”, but sometimes things happen, and I realize “back to normal” may be an impossible destination for me.

The other day, this came to my attention when a friend made a simple comment… not one meant to hurt… not one said with any type of animosity… Simply a comment made as a matter of course… A simply stated fact.

There were several of us women talking, although I can’t honestly tell you what the conversation was about. I remember saying something to the effect of “… Losing Bruce was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced.” To which my friend gently touched my arm and simply said, “I know… It really changed you.” And the conversation moved on.

I’ve thought about that a lot since then. She’s right… I am not the same person I was eight years ago. I think I’m more quiet… more introverted… and probably more serious… I have to push myself in social situations, because many times, I would be just as content not to be there in the first place. But I am there, because I want to show the same love and acceptance to others that has been shown to me… So I go, and I push myself past my comfort zone.

As I think about where I was, where I am and my friend’s comment, I realize that if I’m honest, I think there have been other friends through the years who have tried to say the same thing. I think sometimes, not often, it has been said in the hopes that I will “fix” myself and go back to being the person they used to know “before”. However, I think most of the time it is said as a simple acceptance of who I am now… an acceptance that this was a traumatic event in my life which changed parts of my soul… parts that will likely never be the same. Yet, there is no pressure. They love me (period). They accept me as I am – bruises, changes, and all.

So, thank you! Thank you to all those wonderful people in my life who have stood firm by my side and loved me… I don’t think I would have ever been able to smile and laugh again, if it weren’t for you. I hope you know how much I love you all, and I am eternally grateful for your friendship, acceptance, and love.

If you have ever experienced a severe loss and deep grief, then you probably already know that traumatic events do change who we are. These are big events that change how we look at life and the world around us. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What changes have you had to navigate on this journey? How do you manage those? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Have I Told You Lately?

“Have I told you lately that I love you
Have I told you there’s no one above you
Fill, fill, fill my heart with gladness
Take away my sadness
Ease my troubles, that’s what you do”
~ Van Morrison

I love that song… My favorite version, the one that makes me smile and cry at the same time, was performed by Rod Stewart on his 1993 Unplugged and Seated album. I can’t tell you how many days I walked in the door after a long day, only to be greeted by Bruce with a glass of wine and this song playing on the stereo. He would smile, take me in his arms, and as we danced there in the kitchen, he would whisper those lyrics in my ear. My heart stops every time I remember those precious moments.

Precious moments… That is what has filled my mind this week.

Our 15th wedding anniversary is tomorrow. However, because I have had some time alone, I have been celebrating all weekend. Nothing big or crazy this year. I didn’t buy myself a gift, although I did buy some roses for the table. Mainly, because I know he would have done that… He always did.

I didn’t even take a sunrise walk on the beach this year. Honestly, I was awake in time, but instead, I wanted to just lie in our bed… in our room… and think about him… and us. There was just something about the warmth and security of our bed, that just held me there… longer than normal.

I did go for a long walk later in the afternoon. The tide was high and rough, so negotiating the shore was a struggle… But definitely worth every step. That is my happy place… The space where I can almost feel Bruce next to me. The space where I can talk to him out loud, and since no one else can hear me over the roar of the ocean, it feels so freeing. And there is something about knowing that his ashes were scattered out there that makes it such a precious space for me.

I didn’t go to our special restaurant this year. Things are too crazy in public, especially this weekend. There are people who are celebrating, and people who are angry. I definitely have my own opinions, but not this weekend. I just don’t want to get into the middle of something… Not this weekend, anyway. So, I had a steak dinner last night here at home… in our home… complete with champagne and dessert… and dancing along with a Jimmy Buffet concert playing on the TV.

Today, I have been listening to the music we used to enjoy and just thinking about us… Reading cards and emails we sent each other through the years. Honestly, I think this has been the best part of my weekend. I have smiled… and cried as I spend this day simply thinking about him… and us…

I remember meeting Bruce on a sailing schooner in the Virgin Islands, and my life changed forever…

I remember the two of us flying back and forth every three weeks between Michigan and South Carolina, falling more in love with every trip…

I remember when we finally decided we couldn’t do that anymore, and life changed my circumstances to make the “forever” decision even easier…

I remember moving to Michigan one autumn day and marrying this wonderful man a few days later…

I remember years of learning about each other and our love growing stronger day by day… year by year.

I remember moving to Florida, and how excited we were to embark on this new adventure… together.

I remember when we finally bought this little place on the coast – a place that was truly and completely ours…

I remember so many days in between all of these… Days filled with love… Days filled with adventure… Days filled with frustration and growth… Days filled with life… our life.

I know those days are gone, and I know those days are over. I also know that I don’t know how to let them go… How to let him go… I can’t… Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. He is still such a big part of my soul, and I think that is just what it is.

So… Happy Anniversary, Babe… I love you so much… still…

Life moves on.
Time passes.
But my heart stands still;
Lost in a space
Where I can still hear your voice.
Where your smile still greets mine.
Frozen in this space
Where you should be…
But you aren’t.
~ Linda, April 2020


Special days and anniversaries seem to carry emotions that can overwhelm us even years later. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. What special days have you had to navigate lately? What do you remember? How do you celebrate? How do you manage those emotions? We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… The Loss of a Friend

I want to tell you about my friend, Tom…

I met Tom when we were just kids… I mean young kids – not even teenagers yet. We went to the same church, and while Tom was a year or so younger than me, we were always in the same youth group and choir. Tom was always that skinny kid that simply loved the world and assumed the world loved him back. I would even dare to say that most of us thought of him as a little bit nerdy… But then again, so were most of us (at least, I know I was), so it was all fine. We all loved each other!

Tom had this amazing character… What I would call an “old soul.” For example, we all knew he was not the picture of health growing up. He had a heart condition, but he never let that define him. In fact, he never let it stop him from doing whatever he wanted… “Can’t” just never seemed to be a part of his vocabulary. He also had this way of seeing something special in everyone, (maybe that is why he loved us all). Here I was, this skinny, nerdy, awkward girl, who didn’t see herself as anything special, but Tom did. From the very beginning he told me that my smile lit up a room, and “Sunshine” became his nickname for me. (I still love that!)

Tom and I remained friends all through middle school and high school. However, as time passed, I moved away, and evidently so did he… And as it seems to happen often with childhood friends, we lost touch…

Then one day a few years ago, out of the blue, I received a Face Book message that started with “Hi there, Sunshine!” and immediately I knew who it was… and I smiled. Through the years, we have talked about the loss of his father, and my loss of Bruce. He would send me articles or blogs on grief that he thought might mean a lot to me, and they always seemed to be spot on. He was also one of my biggest supporters when it came to this blog – commenting on specific posts or sharing it on his own wall several times a year.

Despite the years that had passed, he was still Tom… He was still kind, and he still believed that each person could make a difference. He still spoke his mind and welcomed discussions with people who had different thoughts and opinions than his own. He often said that change is only possible when both sides of an issue remain at the table – talking and sharing. He became my example to follow of never shutting the door on a difficult conversation.

So, when I wrote last week’s blog, which was about one of those discussions gone awry, I really didn’t think I would be writing a continuation this week… Yet here I am.

Last week, I wrote about my grief over the loss of our relationships with each other – all of us. I wrote about how we have let a stranger, named “Politics”, come between so many of us and the people we know and love. In many cases, I have observed people throwing away years of friendship… and for what? For things that seem to change with the next news story?

Yes, we can have our different opinions… We should… It is how we learn and grow… It is how we develop empathy for those around us. So, I wonder… do we have to behave as if we hate each other while doing that?

I don’t get it…

I also wrote about a particular post where friends were actually saying some pretty mean things about people and to people. There was even a point in the discussion where the topic at hand was tossed aside and the name-calling started. Yet even that wasn’t the end of it. The name-calling took on another twist, as people even started making fun of a person’s name… Tom’s name… Seriously? I couldn’t believe it. What was happening? How did we get here? When did we forget to love each other? My heart was breaking with each word on the screen.

I had a feeling when I wrote that blog, I would get a message from Tom. I knew he would read it. I knew he would recognize the post, and I knew he would reach out to me… but he didn’t… not a word… It was crickets.

Then a couple of days later, I learned why…

Tom died.

Just like that.

He is gone.

I cried as read the words posted on his Face Book wall… First, I cried for Tom. He gave so much to so many, and I know he wouldn’t have felt like he was done. I also cried for Tom’s wife, because I know how painful her loss must be… I know the road ahead of her. (Widowhood is an exclusive club that no one wants to join.). Then, I cried for me, and how much I will miss his kind words and support. I will miss his example of trying to make this world a better place. Finally, I cried for our friends. I can’t imagine how it must feel to know that your last words to a life-long friend were those of an emotionally-charged argument… I cried for all of us.

Even now, days later when I think of all of this, I cry…

What happened to us? At what point did we become those people who resort to name calling when a discussion gets tough? When did we start believing in violence and anger at all costs? When did we stop respecting each other’s right to a different opinion? When did we stop listening to each other and looking for common ground to build on? When did we stop caring about and loving one another? Shoot… When did we forget what love truly is?

Then on Friday, I read another post from a friend who is a retired Methodist pastor. Her words, which are much more eloquent than my own, gave me a starting point in this chaos… and that gives me hope.

“We have real problems that cannot be solved until our moral compass is reset. God change our hearts for good. Give us courage to do that which is honorable and right. Help us be not afraid to welcome and love one another. Lead us, Lord. Lead us into righteousness. May my will be your will. Amen.” ~ Lib Campbell, founder of avitualchurch.com

My heart has been broken this week, as I say good-bye to another friend. Good friends – friends who stick with you through the good and the bad, are a rare and precious gift. Tom was such a gift.

I know these are also crazy times, and many of us have lost friends and loved ones. We have had to say good-bye from a distance, and that, in and of itself, is another hardship… But we are not alone. We have the choice to stick together… to be kind and to support each other. Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. Has anyone else felt grief over our current situation? Does anyone else know what I mean?

These are tough times and perhaps dealing with our personal loss makes us a little more sensitive to any grief we might be feeling about our political climate, as well. Let us know what you think. We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Grieving the Loss of Us

I will bet when most people read this week’s title, they might assume I mean “us” as in “Bruce and I,” but I don’t. I am referring to a grief over the loss of “us” as friends… “us” as a group of caring, loving people. This is a loss that hit me last Sunday like a semi-trailer on the highway and has left me in tears as I contemplate shattered friendships.

Last Sunday, as I was scrolling through Face Book, I came across a friend’s post with a political opinion… Nothing new. It’s everywhere these days. There is no escaping it. I have my own opinion. Some of my friends have similar opinions and others do not. That is okay. I genuinely believe we all come from different backgrounds with different experiences which creates different opinions. I respect that.

Usually, I will scroll past those that are aggressive or argumentative in nature… Perhaps you know the ones I am talking about. I don’t like the name calling or the insistence that everyone must think like the person posting. Our country was born out of a desire to have our own opinions, whether it was about religion, politics, or anything else. We fought for the right to express ourselves through free speech and fair elections. I may be naïve, but I still believe in all of that.

I respect everyone’s right to a different opinion. I welcome a respectful conversation, where we can talk about those differences. What I miss… What I grieve is the loss of our ability to respect each other and to work together to find some common ground that will work for all of us.

Because this ability to respect and listen to each other seems to be missing these days, I scroll past a lot of stuff on Face Book, and have even chosen to “unfollow” some people. We’re still friends. (I wouldn’t “unfriend” someone for a difference of opinion or a feisty post.) I still care about them… I still check in on their pages every now and then to see how they are doing. I would never shut the door to a respectful conversation… I just don’t want to see all the arguments and name-calling. I believe we are better than that…

Anyway, what caught my attention on this particular post was the fact that most of the comments (and arguing) came from other people who are also my friends, or at least they were at one time. (Some of them I have not reconnected with, but I recognize their names.) This particular group of people are ones I grew with in church. They were the people from my church’s youth group many years ago. These people were my friends for over a decade, and I cherish each one.

For years, we were there for each other as we struggled to find our way on a Christian path from childhood through our teen years. These were the friends who listened empathetically as we poured our hearts out to each other. We were there for each other… We picked each other up when we stumbled. We held each other when we cried, and we celebrated each other’s victories… We were solid unit – a loving force to be reckoned with.

In fact, one of my favorite memories is of our choir days. I can’t even count the number of Sunday nights when we stood shoulder to shoulder in front of the church and sang, “They will know we are Christians by our love…”

Now, I think of that, and I cry…

What happened to us? At what point did we become those people who call each other names, (even to the point of making fun of each other’s names)? Or sanction hitting a woman? When did we start believing in violence and anger at all costs? When did we stop respecting each other’s right to a different opinion? When did we stop listening to each other and looking for common ground? When did we stop caring about and loving one another? Shoot… When did we forget what love actually is?

When did we forget that… “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” ~ 1 Corinthians 13:4 – 7

So, all week I have cried, and I have grieved… I have grieved because somewhere along the way, so many of us, (even those who say they believe in love and God and faith and all that goes with that), have become so caught up in our own opinions, we’ve quit caring about each other as people. This is what I grieve over – the loss of “us” … A people united despite and because of our differences.

I know… This week I am talking about a different kind of grief. But we are all in the middle of this. We can all see it. Does it bring you pain, too? Has anyone else felt grief over our current situation? Does anyone else know what I mean? These are tough times and perhaps dealing with our personal loss might make us a little more in tuned to any grief we might be feeling about our political climate, as well. Let us know what you think. We would love to hear your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. * Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.