Tag: grief journey

Peace, Love, and Grief – The Beginning

Sometimes I find myself going back to my old journals and reading from those first years after Bruce passed… It may seem odd, but sometimes it is a good reminder of where I was and how far I have traveled emotionally to get where I am now.

As I was reading through that first journal this weekend, it dawned on me that during the first few months after Bruce died, I was constantly bouncing back and forth between “I miss you” and “why did you leave me”. In a lot of ways, these still seem to be the big emotional conundrums going through my head when I am having a rough day.

I guess, I have heard enough near-death stories that ended with “I was given a choice, so I came back” or “I was told my time wasn’t up, so I was sent back”. If those stories are true… if that choice is real… then the pain in thinking that Bruce made a choice to die rather than come back is more than I can bear. In the beginning, those thoughts would send me over the edge where I would struggle for days or even weeks.

Mar 14, 2013
“Today was a good day but tonight is hard. It’s a different hard, though. Tonight is more ‘I miss you’ than ‘why did you leave’… (Still, some of both but more ‘I miss you’.) I will always be thankful for every minute we had together, (even when you made me crazy, LOL), but I’ll never understand why our time had to be so short. I still love you so much!! There are so many moments when this doesn’t feel real. I can picture you here… I can almost feel your arms around me… Then, reality hits and so do the tears. I am so lonely without you… It’s you I long for every moment of every day… What am I supposed to do with that?”

Mar 16, 2013
“I miss you, Babe. Nine weeks… so long – the longest we have ever been apart – ever! I miss you so much… I love you… It’s odd how that part doesn’t stop. I think that is what grief really is – the person is gone (dead to be exact) but the love is still there. It’s like your body had a switch, but the emotions that tie us together do not. They are still here in my heart with nowhere to go.”

It’s funny… I read these entries and realized that the emotions are all actually still there… still the same…

These passages were written only three months after Bruce died, and admittedly, this is still where my heart is. I guess, I have learned to steer away from the “why did you leave me” stuff, because it hurts too much… Although, honestly, the “I miss you” stuff is hard enough.

I think time has allowed me to find better times and ways to express my grief than I did in the beginning. I like to think that I have learned how to manage it vs letting the grief manage me… But I can’t help but wonder if the missing part ever gets any better… He is still the one I want to run to and share the good things in my life. His arms are still what I crave when life is challenging.

I don’t know… I am currently 12+ years on this journey, and I would still give anything to have him back, if even for only a day… to see his smile and hear his voice one more time would be more amazing to me than anything else I could imagine.

I guess, “they” are right when they say that grief is just love with no place to go.

We trust that beyond absence there is a presence.
That beyond the pain there can be healing.
That beyond the brokenness there can be wholeness.
That beyond the anger there may be peace.
That beyond the hurting there may be forgiveness.
That beyond the silence there may be the word.
That beyond the word there may be understanding.
That through understanding there is love.
~ Author Unknown

_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Acceptance

“I live in acceptance, serenity, and peace.”
~ unity.org, Strength, Courage, and Comfort for Difficult Times

I remember when I read this quote a couple of years ago. At the time, all I could do was to ponder and question if I was ‘there’ yet, (or even close). Now, I know that there are days when this is true… and there are still days when it is a struggle… especially the ‘acceptance’ part.

This all came back to me this week when I found a small picture of Bruce tucked into an envelope long forgotten. I love the look on his face – it is one I knew all too well. It was taken at the point where there is only the hint of a smile… as if he knows something the picture taker does not – a fun and exciting secret that he isn’t quite ready to share yet.

I adore that look! It brings back so many precious memories… It also breaks my heart when reality floods back and I remember that he is gone… when I realize that I will only ever see that look in pictures now. I guess that is why this quote came back to my mind.

I remember when Bruce died and so many people kept talking about how I needed to accept this “new reality” – easier said than done, I assure you. However, over time I have learned to settle into a kind of peace that allows for some amount of acceptance – more on some days and less on others… But acceptance all the same. (Baby steps are still progress, right?)

“The word ‘accept’ is especially important because it means to let go and trust. Acceptance teaches me to have faith that God is in every situation, and the outcome will be right for all involved.”
~ unity.org, Strength, Courage, and Comfort for Difficult Times

I think it is that “let go and trust” part that I have struggled with the most.

In the beginning, I was so angry with a God that would allow this much pain… a God that would let me feel completely loved one moment and snatch it away the next. How does one trust that kind of God?

I don’t know. I still don’t have a solid answer for that.

I do know this, though… When I felt utterly alone and abandoned, I could feel the love and comfort of Spirit. When I was angry – screaming and cursing at God for allowing this to happen, I could still feel his loving arms around me like a screaming toddler feels the loving arms of an understanding parent. And when I wanted to give up and quit, I could feel the gentle prodding of a loving Spirit that gave me the courage to keep going – one more moment… one more breath.

Through all of this, I am learning that the God I thought I knew is so much more… so much bigger than I was ever taught. God isn’t just all loving; she is all love. God isn’t just watching over all things; he is in all things… By the very act of creation, there is a Divine spark in all things… Yes, all things.

I can’t explain God, (and I don’t need to), because God is too big for that… and that is where my acceptance started. Once I realized that God didn’t need to be defined or made small enough to fit in a box that makes me comfortable, I also learned to accept that there are things in this world that I may never understand while I am here, such as the connection of love that continues even after death.

And I’m okay with that. Most days, that is where I am grounded and centered… That is where I find love and joy in this world… Simply put, that is where my acceptance and peace are found.
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – It’s Not Just Me

“Our grief can feel like a very lonely journey, which in many ways, it is because it is specific to us and to the one we’ve lost. It is a customized but hidden wound.”
~ John Pavlovitz, Acknowledging Our Grief Anniversaries

Currently, I work for a specialty pharmacy. In case you’ve never heard of that, it is a pharmacy that dispenses drugs that you can’t pick up at your local CVS or Walgreens. These are drugs for things, such as transplants, HIV, HEP C or even cancer drugs, including chemo drugs. In our training program, we spend time talking about compassionate patient care as we assist them on this journey. We talk a lot about how their illness can affect their quality of life and how the very medications meant to help them can also alter their life and temperament in so many way – many unseen and often misunderstood.

I think in so many ways, grief is similar… In grief, we have this deep, deep wound that we don’t know how to fix, nor do the people around us. Over time, the wound becomes less and less visible to the outside world, while on the inside, we are still trying to figure things out. Our lives are affected in more ways than we can count. Yet, as time moves on, we are expected to smile because “that’s all in the past”, and we “should already gotten over that and moved on” …

But we can’t… Not completely anyway… Instead, what we really need is some compassion – not just from others, but compassion from ourselves to ourselves, as well…

I remember in the beginning feeling like I must be the only person on the planet to feel this way… to have this much grief and not know what to do with it. Deep down, I knew that wasn’t really true, but in my small circle it certainly felt that way. When I was out and about, it was hard to look at others and remember that everyone at some point loses someone they love.

I struggled to remember that while everyone’s grief is as individual as the relationship they shared with the person who died, grief itself really is a shared experience of all humankind – no matter your race, religion, gender, economic class, or nationality… No one gets a free pass. However, until I started this blog, I really did feel alone and isolated… like being adrift in a small boat with no paddles – just drifting wherever the current took me.

I tried a national grief support program at a local church, but it wasn’t what I needed at that point… I don’t know if it was too early in my journey or if it just wasn’t what my soul was seeking. I just know I stopped attending after many weeks, because I was feeling worse about the whole ordeal – not better. Then, I tried a life coach and later counseling, which I must admit, these two things did me the most good. At the same time, as y’all know, it has still been a long, continuous, (not straightforward) process.

Like the patients that utilize our pharmacy, I think I truly just needed someone to realize (and help me realize) that this loss would forever alter who I am… There would always be the “before Bruce died” me and the “after Bruce died” me… and I could never go back.

Sure, in most ways, I am still just me… But there will always be smaller, quieter ways where I am very different from who I was… The experience changed things in my soul that cannot be undone – they just are. My task on this journey has been one of learning how this “new me” could salvage as many of the good parts from the “old me” as possible, while at the same time using the lessons of grief to grow and be a little bit better each day than the day before.

I know the process isn’t over. In fact, each time I think it is, I find there is another lesson for me on this journey… Spaces where I want to break down and cry and scream all over again… Spaces where I want to feel the safety of his arms again… Spaces where I want to feel loved like that again… Those times each hold their own challenges… but so far, I have managed to work through each one and come out on the other side as a survivor – finding my footing and striving to stay present in the loving relationships around me.
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – In the Aftermath

Grief is a strange companion… It is hard. It is an unrelenting struggle…. And… If I am honest here, it has been an unexplainable way of connecting me to Bruce… Sometimes, it even feels like if I were to stop grieving, somehow it would mean I stopped loving him… Or is it really a situation where the only way to stop grieving would be to stop loving him?

I don’t know… maybe it is a bit of both.

All I know for sure is… I do still love him… I also know that the grief can be harder when I focus on him. I don’t know that my love for him or the grief I feel will ever dissipate. (Maybe I am scared to let it.) I just know that it seems to just be a permanent part of my heart… just like Bruce.

At the same time, grief isn’t the driving force in my life these days. It doesn’t define me like it did those first few years. I’m not sad all the time, nor do I cry 24/7. I have learned to enjoy this life… I treasure moments spent with those I love. I enjoy hanging out with my friends, and I love to laugh. I work passionately for causes I believe in, and I try not to get caught up in the negativity that so often can shadow our experiences.

Sure, I don’t always get it right, but that’s okay… I am my own on-going project, I suppose. (Then again, who isn’t?) However, I am learning to pause when the feeling of grief and sadness are strong. In that pause, I am learning to identify the feelings and the triggers. This, in turn, creates choices of how to respond and how to best take care of myself in that moment, which is so much healthier for me than the uncontrollable reactions that I experienced in the beginning.

As y’all know, it wasn’t always this way… This has been a long road for me. Yet, I know that my love of life was one of the things Bruce fell in love with all those years ago… I also know that because that loved that part of me, he wouldn’t want me to lose that… Instead, he would want me to lean into that… to use it for my strength when things feel hard, and to remember that life is meant to be enjoyed and treasured.

So perhaps, after all these years, I may have found a path that works… A path that allows me to still grieve and miss him, without letting that same grief determine who I am becoming in the aftermath of his death… Maybe, just maybe, this is becoming my way of honoring our love… even now.

“You are not what happened to you. In truth, you are what you decide to be in the aftermath of what hurt your heart.” ~ r. h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go, Sep 26

_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Searching for Peace

I believe that I had to describe the grief journey in ten words or less, I would say, “It is a journey of constantly searching for peace.” At least, that has been my experience…

When my first marriage ended, even though I was the one to leave, I still grieved the loss of what I had hoped we could be as a family. Yet, I also remember writing that all I wanted was peace – no more yelling, no more violence, no more walking on eggshells. I was in a desperate search for some space to breathe. It took a long time, but I did finally find small spaces where I felt safe. Then, those spaces grew exponentially when I met Bruce. Sure, life was still doing what life does. Yet, I had found that peaceful space where I could breathe again… Where I wasn’t racing from one chaotic episode to the next. Then, Bruce died, and the search started again.

This is that story…

I prayed for peace.

I hadn’t known peace for most of my 40 years. I didn’t want a new love or money, grand things or lots of friends… Just a quiet space with a handful of people who love and accept me.

And so, I left… on a cool October morning, the kids and I left for school. They had no idea that we would not be returning… The upheaval… the increased violence… the threats… the fear… the unknowing… the desperation…

And… I prayed for peace.

Then, after years of waiting, it was finally over. It was done. I didn’t want the house or the money, a new town or a new relationship… Just a quiet space with my kids and a handful of people who would love and accept me as I am.

Then, into my life sailed this gentle, giant of a man… full of love… full of acceptance… full of peace. Suddenly, life was more beautiful than anything I had ever known. We knew safety and security… love – unconditional and complete… hope and joy filled our lives and laughter fill the air around us.

Finally… I had found the peace I had prayed for… And it looked nothing like I had imagined. Yet, it was everything I had ever wanted. I didn’t need to pray for peace anymore, because surely, we would live happily ever after. (Isn’t that how the story is supposed to go?)

Then, one Friday night, (one just like any other), we crawled into bed, and I lay in his arms. We whispered plans and concerns and “I love you’s” in the darkness until we both fell asleep.

I awoke.

Bruce didn’t.

I called for help. I did CPR… Nothing… No response. I had failed him, and he was gone… It was all gone… But this time, I couldn’t pray for peace… I couldn’t pray at all.

My world went dark… very dark… Surely God was just a cruel myth… I crumpled into a heap on the floor. I screamed and cursed at God. I pounded my fists and howled in pain until at last I lay there in silence – completely and utterly broken.

Still… I could not pray – not for peace… not for anything… not to a God who was so uncaring and cruel.

Years passed. I started to read what Bruce had read, and it was like hearing his voice over and over… “God is not the God you thought you knew. Be still and listen,” he seemed to whisper.

So, I was still… I listened… And that became my prayer – not one of asking… but one of receiving while letting go of what the final result would look like… And in the depths of my soul, a small light began to flicker… The blackness began to dissipate as I focused on that small light.

As time has passed, that light has gotten stronger and brighter… Laughter has returned. I have learned to smile again… to feel joy again… and hope has peeked at me from around the corner.

I still don’t pray for peace, (although that is my deepest desire) … This journey is not the one I would have ever chosen. Yet, through this journey I have learned to sit still and listen… And as life moves on, I am able to settle in and let the Divine currents carry me where they may.

_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted.

Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Growing with Grief

“The longer you stare into the abyss of the heartbreak, the more power you give it to dictate your life. The pain is not a destination or a home – it’s a teacher; it’s a lesson.”
~ r. h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go, Aug 1

Can we just be honest for a moment here? … Death, loss, grief – they put a spin on our lives in such a way that things will never feel the same again. I truly had no idea that this was true until Bruce died. While I had experienced loss before and it hurt, nothing prepared me for the loss of the other half of my soul. No one could have prepared me for this much pain and sorrow.

In the beginning, I truly thought that if I could just do all the “right” things, I would get over this hurt, and life would go on. Sure, I would miss him, but I would come out of this and be okay… I would be “me” again. I had no idea back then just how much his loss would change me and my whole world.

I think I just assumed that the verse from Psalm 23, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me,” (which I had memorized in childhood), meant that the pain would go away (quickly, of course)… God would make it all better.

Instead, I found that I had a lot of work to do in that valley, and often I felt alone and angry – very angry… especially at God. My faith was already in a state of questions and doubt when Bruce died, and this did not make that any better… I feared the future that lay ahead… I did not feel God anywhere nearby… and I most definitely did not feel comforted. (That verse only felt like a betrayal.)

I struggled a lot and for a long time… years, actually. Grief had such a firm grip on my life that it seemed to become the only way I knew how to function. I am well aware that I gave grief a lot of power in my life. In fact, I let it take me so deep into the abyss that I didn’t care if I ever came out of it. It just seemed to seep into every thought and emotion… every holiday and every dream.

I don’t know if I couldn’t shake it or if I simply didn’t want to… and honestly, I’m not sure that there was a difference or if I even cared. Life without Bruce just seemed to be colored black… Everything seemed to be colored black.

But… as much as Bruce was my reason for grieving, he also became my guide for healing.

I started remembering things he had shared – spiritual things – quotes, thoughts, ideas… And soon I found myself immersed in the sources of those quotes, thoughts, and ideas… It wasn’t long before I started putting those things together – deconstructing and reconstructing my faith… finding a path that has led me to a real connection with Spirit – something I have never experienced before… (I hate to admit it, but sometimes I’m not sure I would have found this connection without the intense grief of losing Bruce.)

So, here I am – over a decade has passed. I still grieve… I still feel sad… And I still wish Bruce were here. However, all of that is quite different than it was in the beginning… Certainly, it has taken on a different shape, as I have learned how to acknowledge it and grow from it without giving it full control.

Now-a-days, I know that grief will always be a part of who I am… However, I also know it isn’t the only part of who I am.

“Grief takes as long as it takes, and there is no right or wrong way to express it. Nor does it really end; instead, we gradually take new shape around it.”
~ Unity Inspirational Publications, Grief is a Spiritual Practice

_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – When Two Hearts are One

Note: I am so sorry for missing our time together last week. I was not feeling well on Saturday and unable to catch up with everything on Sunday. I hate that. I guess, sometimes life simply makes us slow down whether we want to or not.

I remember when Sweet Baby Matthew was born… My heart was broken. Figuring out how to grieve the loss of a child that never took a breath… a child I never held in my arms, was an impossible task. I was encouraged to “put it behind me” and shove all of the pain down deep inside. I was told, “Don’t worry. You’re young; you can always have more”… Words said from what I hope was a good place bit into my soul.

I know these are the words that are so often said in an effort to comfort the grieving. I know that on the surface, they carry some truth. I also know that at the core, they are wrong…

Did I have more children? Yes… I went on to give birth to four more beautiful children, whom I love fiercely.

However, the hopes and dreams that surrounded the sweet soul, named Matthew… Those specific hopes and dreams were gone, just as he was gone. The laughs and mischief that would have been his… gone. The tears and ambitions… gone. The good-night stories and bedtime hugs would never happen. All of the love that was put into my heart for him had nowhere to go.

Yes… my other children experienced all these things that Matthew missed, but those were their experiences – not his. The major pieces missing from those words spoken too soon about “other children” is the compassion which acknowledges the trauma and grief of that death… not to mention, the permission for the griever to experience the pain of that loss without others (maybe inadvertently) finding ways to negate any part of the process. (After all, you can’t get past something you don’t acknowledge.)

Decades later when Bruce died, my grief was so deep, I was completely lost… I couldn’t fathom how to even take my next breath without him. Yet there I was… And once again the words, which I believe came from good intentions, were spoken out loud, “You will find someone else.”

The resistance I felt in my soul to those words was palatable. Again, those words are true… but also untrue. Those words make it sound so simple… Like all you have to do is put some money into a machine and out comes another “perfect fit”. As if love is like a switch on the wall – easily turned on and just as easily turned off. We all know none if that is true. There is so much more to love and loving another person.

It has more to do with finding that specific person with whom you connect on multiple levels… with whom you share hopes and dreams… someone who knows (and still loves) all sides of you – the good, the bad, and the ugly. With Bruce, it was a connection that outdid any other connection I had ever experienced.

“Our hearts find a home in each other.”
~ Martha Creek, Martha’s Pearls: A Spiritual Approach to Life

Our hearts really had found a home in each other… Our hearts really did beat as one… Finding a path to simply continue living was hard enough, without the added pressure to “replace” that love.

I’m not saying people shouldn’t find another. It does happen, and that is a good thing. I am saying that no one should feel pressured to replace the person we lost or to refill that space in your life on someone else’s timeline. Shoot, even I know to never say “never”. (Life will prove you wrong every time.) I just believe that if something is meant to be, it will find a way… and if it’s not meant to be, that’s fine too.

For me personally, I have several things floating around in my mind that make all this harder than I wish it were. Mainly… 1 – I still love him. (How could anyone even begin to compete with that?) and 2 – I know I could not survive that kind of pain again. (It almost killed me when Bruce died… To love someone so completely and lose them so suddenly has felt unbearable.)

“It’s harder to love when you know the cost.”
~ Unknown

Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t think I’m alone in this… I think there are many of us out there, who truly wish those words were never spoken… who just want to deal with our grief without the added pressure of “forgetting and plowing forward.”

Sure, that may be what works for some people. That is great… for them. I just wish more people understood that some of us will never be able to it their way… And we just need the space to do this grief thing our way and in our time.
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – When You are Loved

“Be with someone who is comfortable with your best self.”
~ r. h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go, June 18

When Bruce and I met, one of our early conversations involved sharing how our previous marriage had ended. While his story is not mine to tell, suffice it to say that each of us had been burned pretty badly in our first marriage. In fact, we both made it clear in that conversation that neither of us ever wanted to get married again because of our first marriages.

However, life and the universe seem to always find a way to prove us wrong. Within a couple of months, we both knew that what we had – this completely fulfilling love – was a forever thing. This love, coupled with the distance between us, and a few other factors, found us rethinking our position on the whole “marriage thing”.

At first, I was the one that was hesitant… I was still dealing with so much baggage from my first marriage – a violent and chaotic 23 years. I knew I still had a lot of work to do on me. I had been figuratively pushed into a corner and beaten down for so long that I had no idea who I really was.

I had spent so many years trying to be what others, (especially my ex), had wanted or expected me to be that I couldn’t hear my own heart… And Bruce being Bruce, he didn’t push. He just patiently loved me. He just seemed to know how to lovingly encourage me as I struggled to get my feet on the ground and find my balance.

“Someone who genuinely loves you will not require you to dim your light so that they can shine.”

~ r. h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go, June 28

It wasn’t too long before I started to feel more and more confident… And with his encouragement, I even started speaking my mind. Granted, I did it hesitantly – ready to retreat back into my former self at a moment’s notice or even the raise of an eyebrow. However, the raised eyebrow never came… only encouragement and acceptance… and love… so much love.

It was as if Bruce had enough confidence and patience for both of us until I could embrace my own.

I remember one day, as we sat huddled on the couch, he picked up my hand and kissed it saying, “I love you.” Nothing flowery – no details – just a simple declaration of how he felt about us.

I remember smiling and looking him in the eye as I responded, “I love you, too. In fact, I don’t just love you… I need you.”

Bruce sat quietly for a moment before whispering, “I don’t need you.” I turned to look at him – immediately hurt, and he continued, “I am okay on my own. I have been for a long time. However, I choose to be with you, because it is what I want – not what I need.

I sat there for a bit thinking about what he had said… He was right. I thought I was saying something that would make clear just how much I loved him. However, he was once again, helping me to see the strength and security found in a relationship that accepts and loves each person as they are – including self-acceptance and self-love.

Suddenly the old saying that “you can’t give away what you don’t have” suddenly dawned on me… This was exactly what he had been telling and demonstrating all along… This was exactly what he was offering me… And this was exactly the kind of relationship I knew I wanted too.

After he died, I floundered. I spent several years back in that old mindset of trying to be what others wanted or expected. There are a few scenarios that occurred, though, that opened my eyes… (plus some therapy – LOL!)

This past year, my “word” for the year has been “truth” – stand in it, live it, be it, speak it… Learning to be comfortable with who I am; accept who I am; and love who I am (pitfalls and all)… And all because this wonderful man loved the real me and led me to a space where I could do the same.
_____________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Even on the Good Days

Today is a good day. It really is. I got hugs from my son when I walked into my kitchen this morning. I got more hugs from my friends at church. The sky is blue, and the sun is shining. I am looking forward to speaking to our folks in just a bit to tell our dads Happy Father’s Day, and to wish his mom a Happy Brithday. In other words, it is a day of several celebrations and joy.

My mood is high, and life is good. Yet… there is still a part of me that is sad…

It seems like even on the good days, there will always be a part of me that wishes Bruce were here. In my mind’s eye, I can see that mischievous grin and the sparkle in his eyes when he was up to something. I can almost hear his voice call out from the other room or his breath on my neck as he sneaks up from behind to steal a kiss.

Oh, my goodness, how I miss all of that.

I am guessing I feel this way today because it is Father’s Day, and so I have him front and center on my mind. True, he wasn’t the biological father of my kids, but he was definitely their dad in every other way. He didn’t just fill a void in their lives. He filled all of our lives with love and acceptance that none of us had experienced before he entered the picture.

I will always remember that first Father’s Day, six months after we were married. My youngest was the only one who had moved with me to Michigan. That move was hard on her – moving thousands of miles from her friends and siblings. For the first several months, she definitely gave Bruce a run for his money. Yet, on that Sunday, she baked him a batch of cookies and asked him if she could call him Dad. (She still called him Bruce, but to the rest of the world, she referred to him as her dad.)

And the others? While they weren’t with us day in and day out, it didn’t take long before they all felt the same, and within a year, we were a family. I am so blessed and thankful that my kids were able to witness what a truly good man is like – both as a dad and a husband. I wish he were still here to see them now… To see all the ways he changed their lives for the better.

I miss him… Even on the good days like today… I miss him. There is nothing I wouldn’t give to have him here today – even for just an hour, so we could celebrate him and tell him how much we all love and miss him.

So then, I have to ask myself, “Are you saying it’s a bad day?”

No, I’m not. Today is a good day… Despite all that is happening in this world… Despite losing a friendship this week… Despite the fact that it is another Father’s Day without Bruce… Despite all those things, I have come to realize that there is still a lot of good in this world. In fact, Bruce showed me a long time ago to look for and hold onto all of that good, because that is what gets us through. For me, all of that good is a reminder that each day holds a new promise of hope that I can cling to because whether it is a good day or a not so good day…

“… every sunset is a promise of a beautiful sunrise.”
~ r. h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go, July 8

___________________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.
I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief
* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Strength and Judgement

“Heartbreak is tough, but, like the raging sea, it guides you toward the shores of wisdom and resilience.”
~ r. h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go, July 15

Today, I want to take a few steps back to those first few years after Bruce died. I want to talk about how people feel inclined to let you know how they feel about your grief… Now, I am far enough down the road to give them the benefit of positive intent. However, at the time, I found it infuriating and hurtful.

It seems like from the moment he died, people wanted to tell me how to grieve. I heard everything from “Bruce wouldn’t want you to grieve” – (Great! Let’s throw some guilt into the mix, because that’s going to be so helpful.) – to “You need to praise God that Bruce is with the angels now” – (Please! That does not make me feel better… and besides, praises to a God that would do this are not on my lips in any way, shape, or fashion.)

I can remember just a few short months after his death, someone asking how I was doing and how Bruce’s Mom was doing. I responded with “Not great… I lost the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, and she lost her only baby boy.” Their response? “You know you two aren’t the first ones to lose a husband or a son.”

WOW… Just wow!

It is that kind of judgement that drove me so deep inside myself, it has taken years to get my footing back and crawl out of that pit… But I did – one painful, baby step at a time… And at this juncture, I have come to realize that their judgement isn’t mine to carry or to deal with. Those demons will be theirs to figure out when or if deep grief ever enters their life.

For me, this journey has opened my eyes to a part of life that I had never encountered before, much less at this level. Sure, I had known loss before – but not the loss of someone who was so intimately entwined in every aspect of my life.

There is also something else I have learned about myself… I actually struggle with words when someone is grieving… One would think after writing this blog for years, I would know what to say… But I don’t.

Maybe it is because I know now just how empty those platitudes really are… and how hollow those words can feel. I know without a doubt that there are not any words on this planet that can take away the pain of grief… Maybe that is also why I’m not mad any more at those people who only knew to offer judgement… Maybe all of that is why I can assume those words were spoken with positive intent even if those same words only created more pain.

So… What really helped? What really made a difference and helped me find the strength I needed to crawl out of the muck?

It was those people who simply sat beside me… It was my friends who came along with me and held my hand as I went to the courthouse and banks to change the names on official documents and accounts or to close them all together. It was my sister and kids who sat on the phone for hours listening to me lament and cry, while never once trying to stop me from feeling my feelings. It was Bruce’s family who checked in on ME consistently, despite the fact that they were also grieving the loss of their son/brother/uncle.

In other words, it was the actions (not words) of people who were willing to get down in the muck with me, until I felt ready to crawl out. Then, they continued to hold my hand for balance, but they still didn’t force my progress. They stayed beside me through it all and never once made me feel like I needed to do this grief thing on their timeline.

Because of that, I have been able to work through so much grief (and all the thousands of emotions that make up grief). And while I felt like was fighting my own fight, I was never alone (emotionally) in that fight.

Sure, there were times when I was physically alone or when I felt alone. However, like a child who is scared at night in their dark bedroom, they aren’t truly alone… The people who care are simply giving them the space needed for appropriate growth… (all while sitting nearby in the next room).

That is what my people were letting me do, and there are no words to express the gratitude I feel for each of them. In fact, if not for them, I don’t know that I would feel the strength and love of life that I do now.

Obviously, I still feel grief. (I write about it here each week.) However, it isn’t where my focus is… It isn’t where I have set up camp, so to speak. Instead, it is simply a part of my life’s tapestry… A part that may look ugly to some, but to me, it is simply a reminder that I have been to hell… and survived. I have been judged… and have come out stronger on the other side.

And all of this has transpired, simply because my people love me enough to realize that this grief is my journey that must be navigated my way… And I am eternally thankful for that.

“You are strong, despite feeling broken.”
~ r. h. Sin, The Year of Letting Go, July 15

___________________________________________________________
Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us in ways we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone.

I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog; for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.