Tag: love

Peace, Love and Grief… On Boundaries

This week has been a perfect storm… It has been the kickoff of the hardest season of the year for me – a time of celebrations and special days where every few days I am hit with the knowledge that I am here and Bruce is gone. It has also been the week leading up to the full moon… I know there is evidence on both sides of this fence, but from my own experience, the few days prior to the full moon seem to always trigger sadness in me. (Usually, though, I don’t know why I am feeling that way until I finally get the chance to see the moon.) And finally, this has been the week I am supposed to start saying “no” at least once a day.

WHAT???

Yes, you heard me… I have been working on myself lately, and learning how to set boundaries. That may sound pretty basic, but it is something I just never seemed to learn. I grew up in a strict home, (which is fine). It just meant (in our home) children didn’t dare say “no” to anything. Then, in my first marriage, it was the same. He was in charge, and I knew the consequences of crossing him. “No” was not an option there either… The difference is as an adult, “no” should be an option.

When I married Bruce, however, life was different. He not only accepted the fact that I had a mind of my own, he encouraged me to speak up. He never got angry if I disagreed or said “no.” In fact, he was amazingly supportive in that area… In those few years together, my confidence grew as my ability to speak up grew.

BUT, when Bruce died, I lost that… I don’t know why but when he died and I lost his support, I also lost my confidence. Throughout these last few years, I have said over and over how I felt I went backward emotionally when he died… And This is one of the main areas where I lost my footing. The problem has been I know how I feel, but without that deep genuine support (which I didn’t know how to ask for) I felt I couldn’t speak up.

Instead, I have held things in until I exploded in some type of gross display of self-righteous anger… knowing I was leaving hurt in my wake, but not knowing how to do it any different. This has been even more prominent in my grief… Things have happened which were hurtful, but rather than speaking up, I have held my emotions in until I exploded… The problem is I have been too caught up in my own pain to see the pain I have been causing others… until lately…

If this has never been an issue for you, then this probably sounds nuts. However, if you were always told to “be a good girl,” “don’t be mean,” and definitely “don’t cross others,” then you know exactly what I am talking about… Learning to speak up for myself in a way that is not hurtful to others is a learned skill… one I am still working on.

So, I have been working with a mentor/coach while reading the books Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Bradberry and Greaves and Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend to help me make sense of something I don’t understand but genuinely want to fix about myself…

Briefly, I’d like to share some of the things I have learned. First, there are three main obstacles to setting boundaries. People who struggle with setting boundaries usually do so because of one (or more) of these… (For me, it seems to be all three.):

1. A fear of the loss of the relationship (or abandonment). If this is you, it is scary to set limits because you worry you the whole relationship will fall apart. However, this can also leave you feeling like you are a hostage to the relationship. So, what can you do? First, don’t feel like you must be the “fixer.” Instead, broaden the number of people you depend on… People who can empathize – who are willing to just be with you and listen without trying to give solutions… People who understand advice is good, but it has a place and that place is second! Having that safe place to vent, allows you to think things through/talk things out without fear of judgement, making it easier to set necessary limits. (You’d be surprised what a big deal this is!)

2. A fear of conflict – If this is you, conflict avoidance is your game. Here’s the thing… We are taught about conflict in our families of origin. However, if we are taught that we are not allowed to be mad, and we are responsible for other people’s happiness, then instead of learning that conflict can be a good thing, we learn that conflict is bad. This is how “people pleasers” are created. The problem is people pleasers do not set boundaries. Instead, they “train” the people around them to get mad in order to get what they want from the people pleaser. So, bravery is required here… Again, having support will us be courageous when it comes to conflict.

3. Guilt – If this is you, setting boundaries, leaves you feeling guilty. There is a fear that our boundaries may somehow damage the other person, and the last thing we want is to hurt those around us. But here is some food for thought… There is a huge difference between “hurt” and “harm.” They are not the same thing. Sometimes things may hurt in the short term, but help us in the long run. Hurt can allow for growth through honest feedback, but the long run, it creates a more harmonious relationship. Harm, on the other hand, does long term damage. When we confuse these two, it leads to mistrust and seeing others as more fragile than they really are. The best answer here is to respect the other person enough to be honest without being hurtful… Give the other person enough respect to let them adapt to the “no.”

Finally, if abuse is a part of your history (as in my first marriage) it can be even more important to find help and support from others in order to create and keep boundaries… Someone to help “hold you up” when you feel like giving up. This was what Bruce did for me for years… He not only supported me, he encouraged me to set boundaries and never got angry or upset with me when I did. This gave me the courage and to say “no”… And for the first time, I felt like I had some type of control. Why? Because I didn’t have to worry about being abandoned, OR an argument or being made to feel guilty… His support was priceless.

But when he died, somehow I lost all I had learned… So here I am at 55, working on setting boundaries. Each week I have had “homework” to help me figure this out one baby step at a time. For example, last week, I simply monitored each time I wanted to say “no” but didn’t. This week, I was supposed to say “no” or set a limit at least once a day.

This is where I stumbled…

I’m not used to speaking up. So, to me when I try to speak up, it seems to come out all wrong. It’s not like writing, Here I have a rough draft that sounds awkward and rough, but I can rewrite it as many times as I need to before anyone “hears” it. No… when I am talking, I only get one shot, and right now, it just feels awkward.

I won’t lie… I am extremely uncomfortable with this. So many times this week I wanted to give up and go back to my old habits… But that really isn’t what I want – not deep down. At this point in my journey, I desperately want to be more positive… and to do so, I need to be able to do this for myself. So, here I am walking into another week and trying again… Knowing my heart will be hurting even more this week as Bruce and my anniversary approaches, but also knowing I can do this…

With the right mindset (and support) … I know I can do this.

Let me say how thankful I am for this group. Your notes and messages always touch my heart, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Through these stories and the thoughts we share, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… And the Learning Continues

I know life is one long learning experience… I also know the minute we think we have it all figured out, life will throw us a curve ball. However, when it happens it is hard to see it as an opportunity to learn. For me though, this grief journey seems to have taken this same idea and multiplied it. Even the little things I think I have learned came around over and over. These last few weeks have been no exception. I have felt myself sinking lower and lower, and struggling to find a way out. This weekend, I spent some time on the beach putting my thoughts to paper and letting out the emotions.

Dear Babe,

Hi! I took today off… I just needed some time here on the beach… with you. Life has gotten so busy these days. Don’t get me wrong – I prefer this busyness to being alone, but lately it has felt a bit overwhelming. So much of the time, I feel numb going from one thing to the next. So, today is a “me” day… and right now is “us” time. I think this is what I need to get my bearings once again.

When I told Michael I was heading to the beach today, he responded, “Want to spend time with Papa?” Even he knows you are still my rock… my safe space in the storm. I read an article today written by someone (“an old man”) who has grieved many people. It was so accurate. He described the waves that come over you – even years later… And how that is normal. (Which is good to know since I was beginning to think I was losing it.) *

Lately, I have seen the waves on the horizon… I know the next three months are my hardest. It is one special day after another – each one a reminder you are not here, and I am alone… a reminder of what we had and how much I miss you… a renewal of anger, frustration, and confusion about why… Almost five years later and I still don’t get it… Why did it have to be this way? Why do I still wake up each day to a broken heart when I realize you aren’t there beside me?… I know this is real… I know it isn’t a dream… But it is still hard to accept.

I have let myself cry most of the day today… something I haven’t done in months. I think I needed it though. It’s one of those things I used to do as much as I needed, but now it is different. Now, I try to be aware of those around me, and how it affects them. I know it causes them distress. Yet, when I hold it in, I think that affects them, as well.

I don’t know exactly how, but my daughter can sense it. She is great about letting me have the time I need – like this time today, more time tomorrow and all of next weekend. She knows this time of year is hard for me. And while I know my grief is hard for her, she gives me this… This gift of time to grieve freely. She will call me out if I sink too low or become too negative… But her support is incredible, and I am thankful.

It’s weird but this past summer when I was struggling, someone else commented that I was “putting out a lot of negative vibes.” That really hurt to hear at the time, but I couldn’t argue it… I still can’t – They were right. They knew that wasn’t my normal behavior, but they didn’t know what was going on. I, on the other hand, couldn’t talk about it. Maybe I wasn’t willing or maybe I felt they can’t understand how much I still hurt, because they’ve never experienced it… I felt I couldn’t explain it because it can only be experienced. To be honest, my daughter doesn’t understand it either, she just understands me… But, I guess that seems to work.

As for the rest of the world, these next few months are ones of joy and celebrations. I will have to balance that with my own need to grieve and feel what I feel. Sometimes that is really hard… Does any of this even make sense, Babe?

I still miss you so much! Did you know when you died, it feels like most of me died too? I’m definitely not the person I was. When we met, I was excited about life and so naïve about people. You always smiled, but warned me to be careful… Now, I am quiet, not so trusting and pretty content to be alone with my family or my own thoughts. I don’t know… maybe all of this is a relatively normal part of the process.

Life really knocked the wind out of me when you died, and I don’t think I’ve gotten my breath back yet… Maybe that’s not entirely true. I guess, I have for the most part… But when the waves hit (like now), it still feels so overwhelming. Then, I come here… And between the waves and the writing, I can let go… I can cry… I can breathe… I remember… And I smile.

I miss you… I would give anything to have you here beside me. I’ll never understand why that wasn’t to be… But I am so thankful for what we did have… So thankful to have known real love – even if it was only for a little while.

My heart will always be yours, Babe… Always and forever, I will love you!

* The article: http://beautythings.info/2017/09/24/when-asked-for-advice-on-how-to-deal-with-grief-this-old-man-gave-the-most-incredible-reply/

This weekend was good for me. Thinking things through, writing things down and just letting myself feel what I did was very healing. The rest of this weekend, I have started to feel more positive… More like me. It’s strange, but as the old man in the article says, I “know that somehow <I> will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but <I’ll> come out.” That seems to be the lesson, I am learning over and over… The lesson that “The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too.” *

I am so thankful for this group. Your notes and messages are heartfelt, and I feel close to you through the experiences we share. Through these stories and thoughts we share, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… The Club You Never Want to Join

As I write today, I am exhausted. I just spent the last few days camping with a pack of Cub Scouts and their parents… something I haven’t done for about 20+ years. The time together as a family was precious and watching my grandson make friends and having boyhood fun made it even better. This is a new pack for us, and we felt completely welcomed. What a blessing!

Now while camping is not one of my favorite things to do, this turned out to be one of those groups or clubs that you know from the start is going to be a good thing… Someplace where you make friends instantly and your sides hurt from all the laughter… It is a great place to be!

There is another club I joined several years ago. Here, too, I made deep connections and instant friends… However, instead of my sides hurting from laughter, in this club, tears are the constant variable…. And, before this weekend, I have never thought of it as a good place to be… It is the “widow’s club.”

I remember right after Bruce died, I read something about the “widow’s club.” The club you don’t ask to join. In fact, you never want to join this club, but you are never given a choice. One day you don’t even know the club exists… you’ve never even thought about it. The next day, you find yourself a steadfast member.

At the time, I remember thinking, “No! I don’t want to do this! I don’t want to be a part of this!” Yet at the same time, I was so thankful for all the other women who had walked this road ahead of me… Thankful for the stories they wrote, thankful for the advice they gave (and didn’t give), thankful for a safe space where I have never felt judged, and thankful there was someone out there who understood the pain I was (and still am) feeling…

I don’t like that there is a need for this club, but I am so thankful it exists.

So why am I talking about Cub Scouts and widows? Because, while we were on this scouting trip, I met another member of the other club… another widow, like me…

I can’t really say how we came to realize we were both a part of this other club, too. We had actually talked several times throughout the weekend without it ever coming up. Of course, it’s not like being a widow is something you just throw out there in the middle of a conversation… unless, of course, you want the entire conversation to come to an immediate, awkward stop.

But somehow, just hours before we were leaving, we both realized we had this in common… We were both members of that club you never want to join. Immediately, we were asking each other questions, sharing our stories, talking about the areas where we struggle… And mostly reassuring and hugging each other. Granted, our individual stories are different, but there was an instant bond there… One which is only achieved because you both lost the one thing you can never quite let go of…

For those who have not started on this journey yet, this may sound odd… You may think you would never be able to bond with a stranger over something so personal. Honestly, I would have agreed with you before Bruce passed away. But now… Well now, I know something different… When you share something which touches you both so deep, when the pain you each feel is something which never goes away, you learn quickly just how much support you need, and how much reassurance that you aren’t crazy…

You need to know you aren’t the only one who is still grieving years later… To know you aren’t the only one pretending everything is fine when deep inside you know it still hurts just as bad as on day one. Sometimes you need to know the reason you don’t know what to do is because there really isn’t a right or wrong answer. There are so many times when I have needed to know all these things and more. Yet, as much as I hate to admit I am a part of this club, there is some comfort in knowing there are others out there like me… Others who also loved their husbands with all their heart and never imagined there wouldn’t be a future which included both of them.

So, while this is a club I wish I never joined, and for which I wish there were no need… I am so thankful it is here… and for all the beautiful people who make up its membership…

This weekend was exhausting, but at the same time, I was reminded to be thankful for something I wish didn’t need to be. But there is a need… In fact, this blog is a part of it. Through the stories and thoughts we share, I hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are all dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Dealing with the Stress

This has been a week of feeling up and feeling down. It has been a week of enjoying time with an old friend and realizing another friend threw me under the bus to suit their own purpose… In other words, it has been a week most people can probably related to – whether you are grieving or not. However, for most widows, even “everyday” stress can be overwhelming for one simple reason… We have no one to turn to when things are rough… There was a time when we did, but that time has passed. In fact, now all those stressful moments we encounter are compounded by another round of grief as we are reminded once again we are alone.

Through these past 4+ years, I have watched widows collapse emotionally under the stress of doing it all alone… I have watched women pull into themselves, lose their homes, struggle to balance a budget, or let their homes fall apart around them simply because the stress of everyday life was too much. Please don’t assume these are people who never learned to take care of themselves – that has not always the case. Many of these women have done amazingly strong things. They just didn’t have the proper resources to handle the stress of widowhood… Because it is a stressor like to no other.

I guess I have been lucky… My stress issues have not been so severe… But they are still very real, and they seem to affect my life on a pretty consistent basis.

For the last month, my mentor and I have been working on my own self-awareness and how I handle stress. I have spent this time keeping a diary of my emotions. The goal has been to list each emotion without labeling it “good” or “bad.” I was to simply observe what triggered each emotion, my thought process, how I felt physically, and my thoughts on “why.” After a month of this, I have had a lot of “ah-ha” moments… I learned many things about myself which seem so obvious on this end, but which I was completely unaware just a few weeks ago… So, this week became the week to start applying what I have learned.

Two of the biggest things I learned were I create a lot of my own stress either by not setting clear boundaries or by trying to control things which are not in my control.

So, in order to handle my own stress better, these are the areas where I know I need to be most aware. But how to do that became the question this week. After all, if I already knew how to set boundaries or let things go, I wouldn’t be so stressed in the first place.

One of the first things I had to understand and accept was we are ALL designed with a desire to be in control. The problem, however, seems to be we want the stressor to change… But 99.9% of the time, that is not something we can control… That is not something we can change. So, when a stressful situation reared its head this week, I initially “took the bait.” I didn’t like what was happening. I wanted it to stop… But it didn’t stop, and I couldn’t force it to stop. I could feel my face getting red and the tears of anger building up in my eyes, as I struggled to regain control of myself, (which was the only thing I knew I had any chance of controlling in that moment).

This proved harder than I thought it would be.

Our bodies are designed to kick into “auto-pilot” when we are stressed… Our body processes slow down to conserve its resources in case we need to “fight or flee.” For example, our blood pressure rises but our blood flow to the brain decreases. This causes our “emotional” brain to increase, while our “rational” brain decreases. This is why we often find ourselves saying or doing things in “the heat of the moment” which we later regret. This is also why, from a physical standpoint, regaining control is extremely important.

At this point, it is vital to recognize what is happening, which I now realized was the purpose for keeping the diary…

This is where I began to make changes…

I knew the first step was to regain control of myself physically. Only then could I begin to regain control of my thoughts. And from there, I was able to change my perception of the situation. This change of perception, I realized, is my own spiritual growth… and this is where change happens.

This is where I recognize those places I do have control. Then, I am able to set appropriate boundaries and hold on. (I say, “hold on,” because if setting boundaries is new for you, others will have a hard time accepting that you have done so. But hang in there… It will get better.)

So, this week, I did just that… I worked hard on those things I can control – my physical response and the boundaries I needed to set. I did a lot of praying for strength, and I surrendered to God those things I couldn’t control.

So, what was my boundary this week? I stood up for myself. I told the friend who let me down that I was hurt and angry by what they did. I told them, I still care about them and can work with them, but I don’t trust them and will no longer confide in them.

That may not seem like much but it was a big deal for me… It is about baby steps… I know I don’t have to do it all at once.

This will be a new part of my journey. Going forward, I just need to keep in mind handling my stressors involves:
1. The desire to be in control and recognize the stressors when I am not in control.
2. When I judge myself and decide I’m not good enough, I need to remember God created me… I have value… That means it’s okay to accept myself and stand up for myself.
3. Those who love me provide those relationships which see in me what I can’t see in myself.
4. My own spiritual growth is what will allow me to change my perception and handle life’s stressors.

I hope this didn’t sound “preachy” today… That is not my intent. This was a week of growth for me, and I wanted to share it since I have learned so much. I just hope others will realize what they feel is normal… We are ALL dealing with some pretty intense, emotional stuff, and none of us needs to handle this alone. Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings its individual challenges and lessons. Through it we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… I am So Very Sorry, Las Vegas

I am a firm believer that what you allow into your mind (what you listen to) has a direct effect on your outlook and mood. Therefore, I don’t listen to the news first thing in the morning. My day starts in the wee hours of the morning when I get up to run or work out before the rest of the world starts to stir. But the news is not what I listen to… Those early morning hours are my time… My time for self-improvement – both physically and mentally. I am very particular about what I listen to during this time… It is either some type of spiritual, motivational, behavioral speaker or some type of historical or scientific documentary. In other words, something to make my world or my mind a little bit better… not something to make my world darker or more negative.

I put “it” off as long as I can… I am usually in the car, halfway to work before I finally turn on the news to catch up on the things I know I need to know. So, even though I had been awake for several hours, it was 6:30 AM on Monday morning when I first heard the news… There had been a mass shooting at a country music concert in Las Vegas. They were already predicting it to be the worst mass shooting in US history – even worse than the Pulse shooting here last year.

I was stunned. Even though I don’t know anyone in Las Vegas, it still hit me like a ton of bricks. As I sat there listening to audio tape of the shooting, tears flowed down my cheeks… I couldn’t even begin to comprehend the confusion, panic and pain that must have transpired in those few minutes and throughout the aftermath.

Immediately, my thoughts went to the many families who would be affected by this. So many people grieving… So many people hurting… and no apparent answers to any of their questions.

I can’t imagine that kind of pain…

I have a friend who lost her husband in a boating accident where the person responsible was drunk. I have another friend who lost her son in a motorcycle accident where he was stopped at a stop sign and the responsible party took the turn too wide and killed him. Each of these women has not only had to deal with their grief, they have also had to process the anger that comes from someone taking the life of someone they love way too soon… I can’t imagine it… Thankfully, I didn’t have to add that to my grief, as well.

There was no one to blame for Bruce’s death… When Bruce died, he was in his own bed. We had enjoyed each other’s company the night before, and we were laying in each other’s arms. Suddenly I was wide awake – moving in what felt like a dream… calling 911 and desperately trying to save my husband. And while there are a lot of days when I blame myself for not saving him, there really isn’t anyone to blame.

But… for the people in Las Vegas there is someone to blame. One person made a decision to take the lives of as many people as possible. I can’t comprehend that… There is not one piece of that thought process that makes sense in my head. How in the world does someone have that much hate inside them?? … And how do you grieve when you have to process your own (valid) anger, on top of the pain of loss?

I don’t know… I’ve never been there… But it must be horrendous.

This week there has been a lot of talk about killings, guns, and politics… I’m not going to talk about that here. I know we all come from different experiences which create our individual opinions, and whether I agree or not, I respect each person’s right to their opinion. Besides, that’s not what this blog is about… For these already hurting people, it would be wrong to turn their grief into a political statement here… Based on my own grief experience, I know they all have a long, hard road ahead… For their sake, I wish this had never happened. I wish they didn’t have to bear this pain… And I am sure no one wishes it more than they do.

So many times this week, I have wished Bruce were still here… I need him to hold me and reassure me we will get through this. I need his wisdom and his calming presence to understand how to process the hate that created this tragic situation… It breaks my heart to know that this is something which seems to be more and more common in our world today.

While my grandson has no idea of the events of last Sunday, he is growing up in this world… a world which seems to hate more and more each day. How do I help him to live in this world and not give in to the hate which seems to be so prevalent?

The only thing I know to do is to teach him to love…

Yes, I know there are a lot of people who will laugh and say that is a weak, head-in-the-clouds response. Honestly, I don’t really care what they say… For me, it is the only response which will make a difference.

As a widow, I have spent the last 4+ years feeling more like someone on the outside looking in – observing life and observing people… From this viewpoint, adding hate to hate only seems to increase the hate…. So maybe it’s time to try something else…

I’m not sure I know how, and I’m not saying it is easy. In fact, it goes against everything I feel right now. But, if my response is hate, then I am no better than the man who did this on Sunday or the countless others who have let their hate drive their thoughts and behavior. I don’t want to do that… I don’t want to be that person…

So, maybe… just maybe… It’s time to do something different… Maybe it really is time to bring love to the presence of hate…

Everyone deals with grief and the anger it can create in their own way and in their own time… To the families affected by the shooting in Las Vegas this week, I extend my deepest condolences. I can’t imagine the pain and grief in your hearts.

This blog today is only my thoughts and observations this week as I find myself trying to understand something that can’t be understood, and wishing Bruce were still by my side to help me feel safe… Learning to navigate this journey is different for each of us. It brings us individual challenges and lessons, and through it, we come to realize we are stronger than we thought we were. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… Learn to Be Lonely

Learn to Be Lonely
Child of the wilderness
Born into emptiness
Learn to be lonely
Learn to find your way in darkness
Who will be there for you?
Comfort and care for you?
Learn to be lonely
Learn to be your one companion
Never dreamed out in the world
There are arms to hold you
Your heart was on its own
So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness
Learn to be lonely
Learn how to love life that is lived alone
Learn to be lonely
Life can be lived
Life can be loved
Alone
~Andrew Lloyd Webber, Phantom of the Opera

I heard this song the other day, and it really hit home with me… Almost immediately, my eyes filled with tears, and I thought, “Yes, exactly! That is where I am.” … Learning to live alone… and learning how to love that life despite being alone.

According to the dictionary, “lonely” has several definitions. The one that seems to hit home for me is “Without others of a similar kind.” I think that is why I often feel so lonely… because within my family and my closest friends, I am the only widow. So, while I am around people almost all the time, I am the only one that knows what this feels like… how hard it can be… how lonely it can be…

And how determined I am to not just live my life, but to love it, too…

That is the hard part – loving it…

I love the people I am with – my family and my friends. I love the laughter and adventures we share. I love taking trips together. I love simple debates and intimate conversations… I love all these things and more.

But…

I miss being held and feeling the safety of his arms. I miss looks across the room that convey an entire conversation without a word being spoken. I miss sharing a private joke and dreaming about our future together. I miss caring for each other and supporting each other. I miss hugs when I’m down or for absolutely no reason at all. I miss extra dishes in the sink and seeing his beer in the frig… I miss the way he wore shorts in the dead of winter and always cooked in his bare feet. I miss being greeted at the door with a glass of wine and dancing in the kitchen. There is so much… And I miss it all!

I am alone.
All alone.
No longer is there someone to listen at the end of the day.
No longer are there arms to hug me or lips to kiss away the hurt.
No longer is there someone to say, “I love you… That’s all we need.”
All that greets me is silence, emptiness and my own thoughts…
I am alone…
All alone.
~ Linda, September 2013

I know life goes on… That is a reality I have had to accept.

I have learned to smile again (at least on the outside). I am learning to have fun again and to laugh again. I am learning to step out on my own and push beyond my comfort zone. In other words, I am learning to live again… Only this time, I have to learn how to do it without Bruce… without anyone to tell me how to make this work… In fact, I have to do this without having any idea how to do this…

In other words, I have to “learn to be lonely” … and still be okay…

Everyone deals with grief and the loneliness it creates in their own way and in their own time… These are only my thoughts and observations this week as I find myself trying to push myself to try a few new things (even if it is beyond my comfort zone). Maybe grief has been that way for you, as well. Learning to navigate this journey tends to show us we are stronger than we thought we were, even when our loneliness leaves us feeling completely vulnerable. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Smiling on the Outside

Too Much
Some days the pain is so great.
Some days it is too much.
But still I must put a smile on my face
And walk out to face the world.
I must pretend all is well.
But inside…
The pain is so great…
It is too much…
Too much…
~Linda, Sept 2013

When Bruce first died, the pain and grief were intense. If someone had asked me to put it on a scale from 1 – 10, I would have said 10+++. The pain was horrific. There were days when it even hurt to breathe. No… A “10” would not even begin to describe how much it hurt. Over time, however, one would think that would change… It seems logical that over time that number would go down. The pain would lessen. At this point, (after all these years) perhaps it should only be a 1 or 2. But I’m here to tell you, that’s not the way it works… Not on the inside, anyway.

I should have known that was not going to happen. So many times, from the very beginning, I heard or read that the pain of grief never heals… Everything I read said it would be like a scar – healed over yet never the same.

I have to say, I disagree…

It has been over 4 years, since Bruce died… And if I had to give this journey a number now, it would easily still be an 8… And some days maybe even still a 10. Also, I would not describe this as a mere scar. It is more like a wound that is still angry and tender. Yet, somehow, the skin has managed to grow over it, and it is far from healed.

All it takes is something simple – a song on the radio, a memory out of nowhere, even a gesture from a stranger – and the tears start to form. But, what do I do? In the beginning, I cried… I felt what I felt. However, at this point in time, I usually suck it back in. I have things to do, places to go and people to see, and the last thing I want is for anyone to see me crying about something no one can fix. Besides, (and probably even more to the point) I don’t want to explain that, yes, after all these years, I am still hurting… I still miss Bruce and I still want our life back.

Back when all of this was new and the pain was fresh, people were understanding of my grief and my feelings. They were patient, and they were kind. After all this time, though, even I wouldn’t have imagined it would still hurt like this. So, of course, people don’t get it… After all this time, they are pretty sure there must be something wrong with me. After all, …

  • Why can’t I just get over it already?
  • Why don’t I just think about something else?
  • Why don’t I go out and meet someone else and move on?
  • What the hell is wrong with me, anyway?

Honestly, I ask myself these same questions. Actually though, there is nothing wrong with me… The reality is – this is all quite normal. In fact, from what I have read and heard from other widows(-ers), we all tend to put on a smile for the rest of the world, while on the inside we are crying and kicking and screaming – rebelling against this whole fiasco which is now our life.

At the same time, I can’t really blame anyone else for what they are thinking. I wouldn’t have expected this, so how could they? They’ve never been here. They have no idea what this is really like… And as long as I keep smiling on the outside, no one can know the ugly truth of what it really feels like to lose your best friend and soulmate… What it is to be absolutely lonely – always the outsider looking in – never quite sure where or if you fit in anywhere at all.

Yet, at the same time, I don’t really want to talk to anyone about it anymore. I don’t know what I would say that I haven’t already said before… Besides, they are probably as tired of hearing it, as I am of feeling it… The problem is I do feel it…

And I think those feelings may be around for a bit longer.

Everyone deals with grief’s emotions in their own way and for as long as they need to… These are only my thoughts and observations this week as I found myself smiling on the outside while I cried on the inside. Maybe grief has been that way for you, as well. Learning to navigate this journey tends to show us we are stronger than we thought, and yet, always vulnerable. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… After the Storm

When I wrote last week’s blog, we were hours away from my first hurricane experience – not something I was looking forward to at all. God has blessed us, though, and here we are on the other side of that storm… Cleaning up and putting our lives back together… A lot like grief…

It’s funny, but as that storm was closing in, I found I wasn’t really scared. I thought I would be, but I wasn’t. Instead, it was one of those situations where I knew we had done all we could to prepare… It was just a matter of listening to the news so we could take refuge in our “safe space” when needed. The rest was out of our hands – It was up to God… I just needed to find that space where I trusted him to take care of us.

Even that night, it reminded me of the night Bruce died. Even back then, I didn’t break down or fall apart. I cried, yes, but my mind pushed back the reality of the situation and instead focused on what needed to be done. So, I came home and started making phone calls and preparing for the family which would soon arrive. Just like this past Sunday, I seemed to just go into “auto-pilot,” doing those things I knew I needed to do. However, on the inside, I simply felt numb, trying not to think about what was happening around me – not allowing myself to dwell on those things I couldn’t control… If I am honest, I can’t say I was in a “trust God” space back then… It was more like a “don’t-panic-this-is-only-a-dream” space.

Hurricane Irma was huge and took hours to pass. Of course, as luck would have it, we found ourselves on the northeast side of the storm – the side which usually incurs the most damage… the part of the hurricane which also has no calm eye in the middle… no small space in which to catch our breath. Instead, the night was filled with wind, rain, tornadoes and darkness… lots and lots of darkness.

Similarly, losing Bruce felt just like a hurricane in my life… This was something I never dreamed I would have to endure. Also, there was no calming eye in the middle of that storm, either… And, there seemed to be no safe place for me to catch my breath… just a lot of chaos, not knowing what would happen next and darkness… lots and lots of darkness…

Waking up on this last Monday morning felt surreal, as we slowly ventured out of our home to see what kind of damage Irma had left in her wake. Within a few hours (and with a little help), I was removing downed trees and debris and salvaging others. It has taken all week, but I have removed and stored the storm shutters, put all the potted plants and outdoor furniture back in place, and put away all the Hurricane kit items. In an effort to return to “normal,” most of us (myself included) even returned to work on Tuesday, despite no power, minimal water, road closures, no gas, empty grocery stores and no school for the kids. In other words, it has been a week of acting like everything is fine, even when it wasn’t.

We were lucky, our damage was minimal… Everything we lost can easily be replaced… This is where the two storms differ.

During those first few months after Bruce died, I slowly understood this was my new “normal.” It felt surreal at first, but it didn’t take too long for me to start to understand and experience the “damage” left in the wake of his death. Unlike Irma, the damage left in the wake of Bruce’s death was not minimal and can not be easily fixed… I am still working on that…

I have spent years “trying to return to normal” … only I don’t seem to know what “normal” is any more… There are so many days when I feel like I am “acting like everything is fine, even when it isn’t.”

So, what now?

Hurricane Irma is gone… We have picked up, cleaned up and moved on with life. But losing Bruce? That is a different type of storm… It is one which has left some damage which will never be repaired. As for the rest, I know it is a process… A process where each day holds its own challenges (and accomplishments)… I know I can’t rush it or fix it or make it all go away. Instead, I must wake up each day, look at the challenges ahead, and move forward – fixing what I can and being patient when I can’t…

This is my hurricane… And, I guess, this is my life after “the storm.”

Everyone deals with grief’s emotions in their own way… These are only my thoughts and observations as this hurricane reminds me of life’s many lessons on this journey. Maybe grief has been that way for you, as well. Learning to navigate this storm tends to show us we are stronger than we thought we were able. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Facing the Storm

The Storm

The storm rolls in;
At first, I do not notice.
I can still see the sun;
The part of the sky I am focused on
is beautiful… blue…
I smile.

Then, I see them;
The clouds rolling in,
Getting darker and darker
As they crowd out the sun
and cover my beautiful sky.
I can barely see the light from the sun
As it struggles to find its way around the clouds.

The blue sky is gone;
The sun is gone;
Heavy drops begin to fall from the sky…
Down my cheeks.
I try but I cannot stop them…
Not for now.
But I know one day soon,
The blue sky will greet me again.
And the warmth of the sun will bring back my smile.

~ Linda, October, 2013

As I write this today, we are just beginning to see the first effects of Hurricane Irma, as she works her way up the Florida coast. When we first moved here, Bruce used to say he wanted to experience a hurricane… I always responded that I did not. I had grown up on the Carolina coast. I knew I didn’t want to face that kind of storm. I also knew he was from the mid-west and had no idea what he was wishing for.

Earlier in the week, we started with plans to evacuate before the storm. Then, through different circumstances, such as our office not closing until the last minute, knowing that we would only be running “ahead of” and not “away from” Irma, and a western shift in her path, we made the decision to stay put.

So, here I am riding out this storm… Bruce’s wish – not mine. O_o

As we listen to the news to monitor the storm, and consequently, find ourselves moving in and out of our “safe space,” I am reminded of how right I was when I compared the emotions of grief with a storm. If you have ever felt deep grief, then you are completely aware of the multitude of emotions that can hit you in a short span of time. There have been days when I have felt as if I must be crazy as my emotions go from happy to sad to angry and then, to round it all out, (if I am blessed) to a still, calm peace.

In the beginning there seemed to be no rhyme or reason to what I felt. Like this hurricane, I knew those emotions were always out there somewhere… waiting. Now, though, I have learned that this is normal… I have also found that usually I have a sense of that emotional storm when it is on the horizon. Yet, like this hurricane, I can’t always get away… Nor can I avoid it. Sometimes, I can manage to stay a day or two ahead of it. Yet, other times, I know I need to just hunker down and wait it out.

Through the years, I have come to expect it… roll with it, if you will. Yet, I have also learned it will subside, as well… Sometimes as quickly as it came on, while other times it may take a few days to leave… and the destruction left to my heart, depends on how prepared I was beforehand.

So how do you prepare yourself to cope when the grief seems to be the only thing you can see? For everyone, it is different. In fact, for me, it can be different every time. Usually, though, it goes something like this…

First, I let myself feel what I feel. The storm is here… I need to accept that, so I remind myself that it is okay to cry when I need to… no guilt.

Next, I remind myself I don’t need to apologize for feeling what I feel – whatever it is. My feelings are mine, and they are valid.

Finally, I remind myself that while this storm feels overwhelming and scary, there is still something positive for me… whether it is remembering Bruce’s legacy, our love or the preciousness of life in this very moment…

Everyone deals with grief’s storm of emotions in their own way… These are only my thoughts and observations as this hurricane reminds me of life’s many lessons on this journey. Maybe grief has been that way for you, as well. Learning to navigate this storm tends to show us we are stronger than we thought we were able. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Fear

What scares you? I guess what I’m really asking is – what is your greatest fear?

When I was a little girl, I was terrified of bears. (Okay, I still am to be honest.) I grew up with woods on two sides of our yard, and a path through those woods which led to my grandparents’ home. The fairy tales we read as children came alive in my mind each time we entered those woods… sometimes that was fun and other times it was terrifying. By the time I was four, the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears brought on nightmares for days! I just knew one day I would be eaten by a bear in those woods, and no one could convince me otherwise.

As I got older, different fears came and went… There were the “fun” fears brought on by horror movies and haunted houses, as well as the fears which accompanied insecurities, such as adolescence or being a first-time mother. I remember as a teenager, hearing an acronym for fear – false evidence appearing real. At the time, it seemed like a nice idea – a good way to talk yourself out of being afraid…

But, what if your fear turns out to be real?

I remember when Bruce and I were married, my biggest fear was the idea that we wouldn’t have a “forever” together. I didn’t whine about it… I simply believed it. I didn’t believe I would be “allowed” to be that happy for very long. What I knew was throughout my adult life, I had found if I felt happy, it never lasted for long. I couldn’t explain it… It just was.

For example, I had known the thrill of being pregnant for the first time, only to lose that child in childbirth. I had known beautiful, deep friendships, which ended abruptly because we never stayed in one place for very long. I knew the relief of leaving a violent relationship, only to be stalked and threatened for years. I knew the security of “enough money” only to have it all embezzled by a “friend.”

I’m not ridiculous… I know a lot of this is just life… I realize I made choices which impacted each of these situations. However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that that God himself didn’t feel I deserved happiness… Which brought on my biggest fear… My fear of losing Bruce.

I knew without a doubt, I was too happy… I had never known happiness like I knew with Bruce. I couldn’t imagine a life without him. As time passed, I just knew something was going to happen…

I would tell Bruce I was scared. I told him I knew God would never allow me to be this happy for very long. In response, he would just chuckle or shake his head, pull me close and kiss me or simply hold me tight… But, even he could not take away my fear.

I remember one evening about a month before he passed away, I asked Bruce a question I had asked many times. I asked if he thought we would ever really sail the Caribbean like we always dreamed of doing. When I had asked before, he had always laughed and said, “Of course! Nothing’s changed. That’s still the plan.” But on this particular night, he responded, “I don’t know if I’ll live that long.” Immediately, I told him that wasn’t funny… Losing him was my biggest fear, and I couldn’t stand to even joke about it… Then, he winked at me and laughed.

A month later, my biggest fear became my reality… Bruce lay beside me dying and despite doing everything I knew to do… I lost him… Just like that, he was gone, and I hadn’t been able to stop it. My worst nightmare had come true… We would never have a “forever.”

I was very angry for a long time… Angry at God… Angry at myself… Just angry… And I didn’t know what to do with it. This wasn’t “false evidence appearing real” … This was real…

While I still have my days, the anger hasn’t lasted… In fact, as time has passed, I am reminded daily that at least for a little while, we were happy…

Bruce meant more to me than I could ever explain… He taught me how to love and how to live… He made me laugh and held me when I cried… He was my whole world, and at the same time, respected who I am as an individual.

Because of all of this, I know I don’t need to fear anything… For as long as I remember who we were, he will always be a part of who I am…

Everyone fears something. Sometimes we don’t even know what it is until we experience it. Maybe grief has been that way for others, as well. Learning to navigate through the fear of grief is different for everyone… But remembering and honoring those we lost can sometimes help us overcome that fear… Learning we are stronger than we thought takes time. Yet, time is the very thing we need to navigate this journey. If any of this feels familiar, we are here, you are not alone. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.