grieve – Page 5 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Still Can’t Say Good-by

“You wandered down the lane and far away,
Leaving me a song that will not die.”
~ Nat King Cole, Stardust

Friday was the day… The eleventh year marking Bruce’s passing. I mentioned last week that I have been in some very intense therapy and was hoping for a different (aka less depressing) day… Overall, I have to say that it was. I was sad. There were some tears… but the overwhelming depression and guilt at not being able to save him that awful night were not a part of the day. (Thank you, God, for that much-needed miracle.)

In the past, I have always taken the day off work knowing how my emotions tend to run on this day, but not this year. This year, I worked – albeit from home, but I worked. Our office is undergoing major growth and change. We are in the middle of a (wonderful but difficult) storm, and all hands are needed on deck. So, between the faith in my latest therapy and the understanding of the situational needs of the office, I stuck with it… And (thankfully), I was okay… For the first year since Bruce’s death, I can honestly say that I was okay.

Sure, there were some hard moments where I had to send my class on a short break while I took a few deep breaths to regather myself… And, lovingly, while I worked, I had a dear friend who came and sat on my couch just to be there whenever I needed a hug or a few words of encouragement.

After work, we “celebrated the dash between the dates”. She listened as I shared story after story, and we toasted Bruce – his love and the legacy he left behind. Then, like a true friend with love and compassion, she stayed for a couple more nights… Still encouraging me to talk and filter through all the emotions I still feel.

One thing I realized is that no matter how many years pass, I still love him… I still miss him… And I still can’t quite seem to say good-bye. I cling to the belief that we will see each other again, and that his spirit and energy are still a part of my world… In fact, as long as I can remember him, he is not really gone even though we are apart.

“High up in the sky, the little stars climb –
Always reminding me that we’re apart.”
~ Nat King Cole, Stardust

I’m not sure if (or how) anyone is ever truly able to completely let go of the ones they love, whether we lose them to death or distance or estrangement or any of a number of reasons. For my experience, love is eternal. It is not a switch to turn on and off. It is as real and true and as eternal as the universe itself.

So …

Dear Bruce,
I remember the night you died. I immediately found myself looking ahead and thinking about all those years facing me without you. So many times, throughout the day, I think about how tired I am of living this life without you. I miss that feeling of complete joy (instead of this constant feeling of complete pain). I still miss you so very much and my heart is still shattered. This year is better than the past years, but I am still struggling a little bit at accepting that you are truly gone… I still struggle with telling you good-bye. You brought me pure joy, and I will always be grateful for experiencing that – even if it was for such a short time. Thank you, Babe! I love you… I can’t seem to stop… I guess, I will always love you!

“Though I dream in vain.
In my heart it will remain.
My stardust melody –
A memory of love’s refrain.”
~ Nat King Cole, Stardust

Stardust – Nat King Cole (youtube.com)
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Another Year

Is it really 2024? … Has another year really passed? It is so hard to believe… Sometimes it seems like Bruce just died yesterday, and other times I am terrified that with the passage of so much time, I will forget the sound of his voice, his mischievous grin or the kindness in his eyes.

This week I have reflected on all that happened and all that I learned in 2023. I have also been watching the days on the calendar tick by as the anniversary of Bruce’s death approaches in less than a week. I know I did a lot of work on myself in 2023… even my family has mentioned the differences… but is it enough to see me through this upcoming day that seems to always haunt me.

Over 20 years ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. This year, my therapist and I made the decision to take my therapy to another level, and truly focus on reprocessing the traumatic events that created that response in me. While I still have a lot of work to do, I am already so happy with the results. I am more self-assured, and much more emotionally regulated and grounded… Also, for the first time in my entire life, I actually understand what a boundary is and how to establish and maintain my own. (Something I have never been able to do before for a multitude of reasons.)

Bruce’s death was one of the first traumatic events we tackled. Knowing that this season is always hard for me, and I wanted to do more than merely survive this year… and I have (so far). Sure, I am still sad that Bruce isn’t here. Absolutely, I would give anything to have him here beside me – laughing or arguing… It wouldn’t matter… Just to have him here again will always be something I long for.

The difference, though, is that I no longer blame myself for not being able to save him that night. The difference is I am not beating myself up or looking for someone/thing to blame and choosing myself as the “bad guy”. I still hate that Bruce is gone, but I don’t hate myself for the fact that he is gone. I miss him with my whole heart, but I no longer feel the despair that was always here in the depths of my soul.

I guess what I’m saying is… I still grieve his loss, but it is no longer in control… And that is more relief than I ever thought possible.

How will I be this week with the anniversary of his death? I have no idea. This is completely new territory for me. However, I can say that in this moment, I am okay.

We all have our demons that we need to face, and until we do, they have the potential to take over and control our whole world without us ever being fully aware of it. For example, I was diagnosed with PTSD before the end of my 1st marriage. Then, there have been other events through the years that just seemed to get piled on top of that situation. I have been in talk therapy for a long time, but progress was slower than slow. Throughout the years, I had no idea how much impact those past events were having on every single aspect of my life.

The only relief I have ever felt from that was when I was with Bruce. Not that I had dealt with any of it, but his unconditional love, as well as his faith in me and strength of character were contagious. I couldn’t help but respond positively to all of that. There were still times when I had flashbacks or woke up terrified from a nightmare from the past or reacted in terror to threats from my ex. Overall, until now, those few years were probably my most healthy (emotionally). But when he died, I lost all of that… I was back at square one all over again.

This year, though, I finally feel even healthier than that… Because this time, the strength I feel is coming from within. This time I am building my own tools for emotional health… I am putting in the hard work. Each time I relive and reprocess another trauma from my past, I feel a small victory. Each time I know I am getting a little bit stronger (aka – healthier).

Last year, my word was “be” … Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looked. That word guided my actions, including the decision to ramp up on the therapy. I still love this word, and I believe I am finally arriving to a space where I am comfortable being me… (And if I am honest, I didn’t believe I would ever be able to do that.)

So, what is my word for this year? What is my new goal as I face another year which begins with the anniversary of Bruce’s death?

This year, my focus is on the word “create” … To know that “I create change, connections, and health when I ——-“. (Fill in the blank with whatever affirmation or action I need in order to face whatever is before me.) My goal to “create” in 2024 is about all the possibilities out there, waiting for me to explore, in order to create the “best me” in each moment.

I have no idea what tomorrow or this week or 2024 will hold… none of us do. Life is a moment by moment experience… and I simply want to reach a point where I can love and enjoy life while being proud of who I am and the part I play in this world… whether Bruce is physically by my side or a loving energy in my heart.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Looking Back or Moving Forward

“Hope is the expectation of future good and is often impacted by time, but you are the one controlling the process.” ~ The Sweetest Christmas: Advent 2023, December 4, 2023

I missed writing last week as I was celebrating the holiday with my family… Not all of my family, but most of them, including my daughter and her husband, from across the pond. It has been well over a decade since I shared this holiday with my daughter, and I have never shared it with them as a couple. So, this time, this year has held so much joy and love, and I am trying to take it all in and hold onto these precious memories being made… Because we all know that another year… day… or moment is not promised.

Then, this week, as we have moved closer to the new year, my mind has also moved on to “what is next”…

Years ago, when Bruce first passed away, I didn’t want to think about what lay ahead. All I could see ahead of me were years and years of being without Bruce… Years and years of not seeing his gentle eyes or mischievous grin… Years and years of not hearing him say he loves me or holding me in the middle of the night… Years and years spent alone.

And each time I thought of all those future years “without”, that was all I could see. My whole outlook was one of scarcity… I couldn’t see or even remotely imagine living my life without Bruce, much less learning to feel any kind of hope or joy in that future.

Through the years that have followed, I have slowly… very slowly learned to find happiness… then joy… and peace… And this year, I finally found hope again. It wasn’t easy and it didn’t happen overnight. Instead, it was an ideology that was presented to me early in the year. The crazy thing is it wasn’t even a new idea to me. It is one I heard before but didn’t quite know how to implement. Maybe it was the timing, or maybe I was simply “ready” … Maybe it was due to the support I have felt in my life this year.

What I heard years ago was from Wayne Dyer – “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.” Which is a great quote, and I understand the point. However, at the time, I couldn’t figure out how to act on it. I would try, but I struggled for consistency… My thoughts seemed to always wander back down the rabbit hole of grief and loneliness.

This year, though, I heard it worded a bit different … It was worded in a way that left me feeling empowered. I don’t know why; I know we are each inspired or triggered by certain words, so I am guessing I needed something more succinct… Maybe? Who knows?

The phrase is “Our thoughts create our experiences”. For whatever the reason, this simple phrasing has felt easier to act upon. I do believe that my thoughts will color whatever is happening in my world. If I am having a rough day, it is easy to only see the things that go wrong. Yet, when I am having a good day, the opposite happens, and I seem to only see the blessings happening around me.

Since Bruce died, I have struggled with depression and grief. Those emotions colored everything. Even the joy and hope I might have felt was covered in the grayness of depression and grief. As the years passed, I learned that I had to watch how far I allowed myself to go down the rabbit hole, but I hadn’t quite wrapped my mind around changing my thoughts… Until this year.

This idea that my happiness… my joy… my peace… my hope… my entire attitude is what will actually create the way I experience my future has been eye-opening. When I hear someone say to let go of those things that aren’t serving me, I know that those things are not people or situations. Instead, it is my attitude toward those people or situations.

To help me move the dial on those thoughts, I have reached out for support from friends and family, as well as, going through some serious therapy for past traumas, such as Bruce’s death. Has my whole world changed overnight? Am I now happy-go-lucky all the time? No and no…

First of all, just building the habit of being aware of my thoughts and where I am letting them lead me has been a process. It still is… I am better at it than I was 11 months ago. Yet, I believe this will always be something I need to monitor.

Second, I don’t think it is about being “happy-go-lucky” all the time. That isn’t my goal, and it isn’t healthy either. (In fact, I think that can easily be a toxic positivity.) Instead, I think it is about being honest about your feelings and thoughts, but instead of letting them run rampant, I need to acknowledge and work through them before they take over and color everything in my world.

This year has also offered plenty of opportunities for me to practice this new way of living. There has been plenty of loss… plenty of hurt. Have I gotten it right each time? No. Have I gotten a little better each time? Yes… and that is my goal… to stop being stuck looking back, and instead to keep finding the hope in each situation… to keep moving forward… even if it is teeny, tiny baby steps.

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Reflections

Just as Christmas quickly approaches, so does the end of 2023… Sometimes in the bustle of all that is the holiday season, we put off reflecting on the passing year until the last minute or once the new year begins. This year, as I try to be more mindful, I have found myself reflecting now versus later. This has been a year of loss and a year of gain… True to life in its purest form, 2023 has been a balance of both.

While I know this and accept this, the holiday season still holds its challenges. I still miss Bruce. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. I would give anything to have him here, but he isn’t… and he isn’t the only one who is missing. As I have written throughout the year, there are several people who have left my life this last year. It’s hard, and I grieve them all… not just Bruce.

Then, this morning, I read this:

“Our lives are always changing. Just as people come into our lives, they also leave – some gradually, others abruptly… Christmas is the perfect time to remember those who, for whatever reason, are no longer with us.”
~ Rev. Teresa Burton, Advent: The Sweetest Christmas, December 17, 2023

Each of us has experienced that sense of loss at some point in our lives. Sometimes those we love and care about leave because of life circumstances… maybe we just lose touch over the distance of time or space. Sometimes, that loss is not intentional, and sometimes it is… Sometimes there is the painful reality of changes in relationships, where someone decides it is healthier to part ways… Sometimes it is due to illness… or even death. No matter what the cause, none of it is easy, especially during the holidays.

This week, I have found myself reflecting on the people who will be missing from my home this season. As I said when referring to Bruce, no matter the reason for the distance or loss, it makes me sad… I hate it… I grieve it.

Earlier this week, I even found myself wishing things were different… Wishing I could have just one more hug from each of them. As I dwelt on it more and more, I found myself wanting to change the way things are… to resist the distance someone placed between us or to bring back those who have passed. I want a perfect world with a perfect holiday season. I want all “my people” in my home and for the space to be filled with nothing but love for one another.

In other words, I want to be in control and have it the way I think is best… But as I have been learning this year, that is not realistic, nor is it life. Plus, I don’t really want to manage everyone’s life… I know I don’t have all the answers. In fact, many times this year, I have thought my world was falling apart, only to realize as things played out, that God/the Universe has it all under control… In fact, often times, the best things have come as the result of what initially seemed awful.

So… instead of being in charge of anyone else, we each get to make our own choices, and honestly, I want it that way. We all need to find our own way on our own path… and we need to accept it when others make their own choices – even the ones that break our hearts… And that’s not easy. However, life is all about the ups and downs… It is about learning to navigate those hills and valleys… and still finding a way that exudes love and peace.

So that is my goal this week, as Christmas and the New Year approach… To reflect on the warm memories of those who have left my life… To appreciate those who are still in it… To send love and peace out into the world in a way that transcends distance, space, time, and physical or metaphysical planes. I want to continue this path to peace by accepting what I cannot change… Loving those who are gone… and appreciating what I do have by focusing on all those who continue to fill my world with love and peace each day.

“We must meet the experiences of life with the knowledge of their part in life. To do this is to have power over the events of life. We cannot stay in any place and say: ‘Here is where I want to be. I don’t want anything else to happen to me. I want to be away from the fret and worry of common life. I want to stay on this high mountain or in this ivory tower.’ This isn’t the way life is. This isn’t the way to happiness or contentment. Strange as it may seem, happiness, joy, contentment, and victory belong to the overcomer.”

~ Paul Hasselbeck, Heart-Centered Metaphysics

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal has been to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – The Gift of Peace

I probably don’t have to tell anyone who is grieving how hard this season of celebration can be. Everywhere you turn, there is another reminder that this is a time of “joy and cheer”. There is no time for anything else – no other emotions… or so it seems.

Most of us have likely heard that this is also the time of year where suicide rates and domestic violence calls rise. For most of us, this seems to make sense, and we have accepted this as a fact for years… But did you know that this is actually a myth. What?? Really? I was shocked this week to learn that research does not back up these myths, which set me pondering to understand this new information.

Immediately, my mind went to the idea that we choose what we focus on, and whatever we focus on suddenly fills our world. In other words, if all we can think about is our pain… our grief, then, that sadness is all we can see, and it becomes a layer that covers everything else in our world… even on top of all the “joy and cheer”.

Also, whenever we resist “what is”, we ultimately give that thing more power. In fact, we can get so caught up in fighting this part of our journey that it becomes a part of everything on our path… ultimately affecting how we view the whole world around us.

At least, I know it has been that way for me… Since Bruce died, each year’s holiday season has had its challenges.

The first year, the pain was too intense to participate in the season at all I just couldn’t manage it. So, after weeks of struggling with the whole thing, I (kind of) ran away, and spent the week of Christmas on a yacht in the Keys, ignoring what was going on in the rest of the world.

The next year, I managed to spend the holiday in a more “normal” fashion. (You know… with decorations, music, food, and family.) Then, with each year that came, I managed a little bit more. For example, there was the year I finally started singing along with Christmas music on the radio. (That really felt good… Like my own mini celebration.)

Then, there were the years with my grandson, and suddenly Santa and the magic of Christmas were back with a flurry. The holiday was now about his joy and cheer… His wonderment at all that is Christmas. While my own pain from Bruce’s absence was still a layer in the picture, I worked hard to push it aside for my grandson’s sake. Granted, I wasn’t always successful, but I was definitely making progress.

My daughter and grandson moved out a few years ago, and the first year or two after that were a bit floundering for me. I was better than the early years of this journey, but not as good as I tried to be for my grandson… Then, this year, it dawned on me that maybe… just maybe, this reaction of mine is because whatever I feel and do needs to be genuine and needs to be mine. Otherwise, my responses will change with the tides.

I think that is why the singing had felt like a mini celebration… Because it had been a spontaneous response to the season and… It felt good. It was genuine, and it was mine. What had created that difference? My focus… In that moment, I was wholly focused on the music and all the wonderful memories attached to it.

So, that is what I have chosen to do more of this year… To focus, less on what isn’t… more on what is… and how much those “things that are” mean to me. This seems to be creating a kind of acceptance… I know I can’t change what is missing, but by moving toward accepting it (harder than it sounds), I can find the peace within me that allows me to genuinely enjoy what is…

What a gift that realization has been this season!! To realize that my “cheer and joy”… my true peace in this season is within my control… I am not a victim of what happened. I am a willing participant in what is happening all around me… That is a gift… A gift to know that I can still feel sad that Bruce is gone, but I don’t have to paint a layer of that grief onto everything. Instead, I can cover everything, including my grief, with the acceptance that this is where life has brought me. Then, this acceptance allows me to relish this gift of peace that fills my soul and spills out into the world around me.

“Not all Christmas gifts come wrapped and topped with a bow.
Some come in the guise of our more unpleasant challenges.
And sometimes the greatest gift we can receive is realizing the gifts we have to give.”
~ Rev. Bronte Colbert, Daily Word: November – December 2023, A Most Unlikely Christmas Gift

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Mary Did You Know?

Warning: I am going to talk a bit about religion today. You may or may not agree with me, and that is okay. This is not a debate on which religion is right or wrong. Nor is it a sermon trying to “win” anyone over to what I believe. Spirituality is a personal journey for each of us, and I am simply sharing some of the thoughts I have had on my journey… nothing more.

I have spent most of the past 10+ years since Bruce died on my own personal, spiritual journey… Trying to figure out what I believe (and why) versus what others say I should believe (and the why behind those that I can’t quite wrap my brain around). It has taken a long time, but I am finally at a point where I know I am moving in the right direction. I feel growth. I feel change. And most importantly, I feel closer to God, (the universe or whatever name you choose), than at any other point.

One of the things I was always taught was the idea of “original sin”. This is the thought that we are all born “bad” … We are all “sinners”. Well, honestly, that never made any sense to me. I mean, if God is the creator of everything, and God cannot do anything “bad” or “wrong”, then how are people created with original sin. (Yes, I know all the arguments and religious dogma that supports this concept. I’m just saying, I don’t buy it.)

Instead, I take a complete turn here. I believe that if God creates everything, then just as our own children carry around a part of us (our DNA/genes), we must also hold a bit of the Divine within each of us. Like a drop of water from the ocean… That drop is not the ocean, but it holds part of the ocean within it. In other words, while none of us are God, we are all Divine… There is a spark of God within each of us, rather than God being something external and completely outside of ourselves.

Boy, that sure changes how I not only look at myself, but how I view those around me.

My newest goal (going into 2024) is to make a conscious effort to see that Divine spark within each person I encounter. Then, rather than judging that person, I can ponder the idea that we are all simply trying to figure this life out in the best way we know how in that moment. At any given time, we are all at different places on this path, and likely learning different things since those things are dependent on each individual journey. (Hopefully, that makes a little bit of sense.)

Keeping all that in mind, I found myself in the car yesterday traveling from one Christmas errand to the next and listening to Christmas music on the radio. (Confession: I may or may not have been singing at the top of my lungs, as well.) Suddenly, the song, Mary, Did You Know, came on the radio.

I know that song gets a lot of flak from people who say, “Of course, she knew. God/the angel/scripture told her.” I don’t really care what other people say… I love that song. You know why? Because it makes Mary a very human, teenage girl who found herself pregnant and unmarried. (Something I can absolutely relate to.) I don’t know about you, but when I was a teenager, I did not think like an adult. I doubt any of us did. It’s just not the way the human body matures. (And I doubt Mary did either.)

If it were me, I would have heard what the angel told me, but I would not have had the maturity needed to actually understand and think through what all that might mean, much less how to apply it to this infant who (to all my teenage understanding) was acting like every other human baby on the planet. He cried. He soiled his diapers. He got hungry. As he grew, he ran. He laughed. He fell down. He scraped his knees. He cried. He wanted hugs and kisses… Just like any other child.

So… in the song, when they say, “Did you know … When your kiss your little baby, you’ve kissed the face of God,” my heart melts… every time. Yet yesterday, I found myself taking that a step further… If I believe that we all have a spark of the Divine within each of us, then when I kiss each of my (now adult) littles or my grandson, I am also kissing the face of God. When I see my neighbor, whose name I may not even know, I am seeing the face of God. When the Amazon driver drops off my packages, am I also looking at the face of God? How about when I watch the news? When I see people on both sides of a political debate or a battle in a war-torn country, can I choose to see the face of God in everyone?

Is that what Jesus the Christ meant when he said, “Love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:12)? Was he calling us to see that Divine spark and simply love (at the very least) that part of each person? Was he showing us that this is our common ground? … This is the thing that can bring us all together. (I like to think so.)

After my divorce and before I met Bruce, I remember my mother saying that she was praying that I would find someone to love me… really love me… unconditionally, like Jesus loves. I remember she wrote me a letter that said, “I am praying that you will find that person in your world who will be Jesus with skin on.”

Bruce was that person for me. He loved me completely and unconditionally. He showed me that love… real love… is unconditional. (After all, once you put conditions on it, it isn’t love anymore.) He brought healing to my world by encouraging me to explore my own faith and spirituality… And when I kissed his face, I kissed the face of God.

So here I am, so many years later, finally realizing that I don’t believe in the God of my childhood. I don’t believe in a God that is vengeful or out to get me or any of those other ideas than try to create a Divine relationship out of fear.

I believe in a God who is in all things. I believe in a God who is all love. I believe in a God who calls on me to see the same Divine spark in others and to be (like God) that same love-filled soul (to the extent that I am able) in each moment.

In other words, I haven’t got it all figured out. I am simply on this journey. Some days are easier, and some days are harder. Yet each day is another opportunity to love… the way Bruce loved me… and the way God still loves me.

Thank you, Babe, for loving me so completely, and for encouraging me on this path!
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – A Journey of Gratitude

Seeking peace… Finding grace… Feeling gratitude…

This is what I talked about last week. With Thanksgiving happening this past week, the journey has continued, yet changed a smidge. This week has held a journey… a quest, if you will, for gratitude… not for all things – that’s ridiculous and what I would call toxic positivity… And not just in all things – although that makes a lot more sense… But if I think of it as “despite all things” – that seems to work better in my mind.

In other words, no matter what is happening around me… no matter if my world is fabulous or upside down… I can find something to be grateful for. It may not have anything to do with what is currently happening in my world. It may not even be anything from the present. It may be a precious memory that I can recall and hang onto to help me get through the current situation. Or maybe it is a person who I am grateful to know or have known. It can be anything.

When Bruce first died, a friend suggested that I start listing 3 – 5 things a day that I was grateful for. At first it was simply things, such as getting out of bed that day or eating all 3 meals. It was a struggle, though. Then, as time passed, I stopped doing it. I don’t know why. It just seemed pointless, I guess. I was listing these things, but then I closed my journal and didn’t think about them anymore. I guess what I am saying is that I didn’t keep applying that principle throughout my day.

About a year ago, though, I bought a “gratitude journal” and started again. I don’t know what made me buy a “gratitude journal”. After all, I could make a list in any journal or notebook. Yet, this journal had little quotes and ideas that stirred my heart. In time, I found my soul awakened to the many things in my life that are precious to me, but I so often take for granted.

To be honest, at first, I still struggled to think of 3 – 5 things to be grateful for each and every day. Then, 2023 happened. I lost people who had been such an important part of my life. I lost family members who had been an integral part of my childhood. I even lost my job. What the heck?!

However, the funny thing is as the year progressed and more and more events piled up, my gratitude list actually got longer each day. How crazy is that?? That list still includes the people who choose to be a part of my world and the simple things that make up my world. For example, my morning teatime is almost always on the list, my home, my church, my friends, my family, my kiddos, even my favorite chair and blanket, plus anything special someone did or said that brightened my world.

Not a single item is major or grandiose. None of them are things that stand out. They are almost all simple, everyday people, things, or events. Things that I have taken for granted in the past. Yet now, they seem to stand out as special simply because they don’t have to be a part of my world. They just are.

I literally feel prosperous – not because I have a lot of money. I don’t. (Remember the part where I lost my job.) Yet, I am grateful that I have learned to manage the money I have, so I haven’t had to go without. The severance I received was generous and allowed me the time to find the right job versus any job. I feel prosperous because of the friends and family who have stayed by my side through thick and thin. They have called to check in or just to see about hanging out. I am prosperous because I knew Bruce. Because he added so many positive things to my life that I am still exploring, to include setting an example of being laid off and still being okay.

When we are in a tough spot, especially one that is unexpected – like grief, it is easy to only see what is missing or what is overwhelming us or causing us pain. It is so easy to take those things and fall into that rabbit hole of depression or self-pity. (And sometimes I still do. I believe that is human nature and not anything to beat myself up about.)

However, as time passes, and I am learning more and more to focus on those people and things that do make me smile… Now, that is becoming second nature as I go through my days. Sure, things still upset me. Sure, I still feel anxious and worried at times. Yet, despite those circumstances, I am learning to also see the people and things that truly make my life a blessing.

Thank you for being one of those people!

“I find demonstrations of abundance daily and see them in the beauty of the world and in generous expressions of kindness and thoughtfulness.” ~ Daily Word, November 24, 2023

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Seeking Peace

Seeking peace… Finding grace… Feeling gratitude…

This describes my past week…

I started this week seeking peace. I was trying to bravely face another week of interviews. However, on Monday morning, I was already exhausted just thinking about the week ahead. I was also a bit frustrated at the fact that here I am, once more, dealing with something new and scary without Bruce by my side. (Yes… I am well aware that he has been gone a long time, and while I should be used to it, I still don’t like it.)

To put my exhaustion in perspective, I have been through about two interviews a day for a couple of weeks now. And while I am extremely grateful for each opportunity, interviews require a lot of energy – both physically and mentally. So, when I say I am exhausted, that is what I am referring to – the prospect of at least 10 more hour-long+ interviews where I need to talk about my strong points. That is also something that is way outside my comfort zone.

Then, there is the added stress afterward of “Was I good enough?” “What could I have done better?” “Did I manage to stay faithful to who I am while also presenting a clear picture of what I am able to do?” “Will there be a follow-up from their end?” I’ve had several tell me that I am what they are looking for, so there is some grace… enough to keep me believing the right job is out there somewhere. Yet, the doubts and questions seem to go on and on.

On Monday, though, I experienced something amazing! You see, years and years ago, after my first marriage, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Wow… sharing that with a public audience feels very vulnerable. However, I am telling you for a reason.

You see, recently, a new(ish) treatment for PTSD was recommended for me, called EMDR. It’s weird. I don’t know what else to say about that part. Basically, though, it is a way for an individual to re-process past traumatic events, so that the memory is still there, but the emotional response changes to something less emotional or anxiety filled.

Of course, I did a lot of research, and, admittedly, still had my doubts. Yet, the idea of the grace this therapy might inject into my life and my soul was beyond tempting and sounded amazing.

For the first few sessions, we talked about certain traumatic events that I want to re-process – ones that seem to pop up in my nightmares and/or affect my own self-esteem. The first one I chose to tackle was Bruce’s death. Since this time of year seems to hold my biggest challenges and triggers related to his death, I felt like I needed to start there.

I have written about that night many times… About waking up to him dying, calling 911, doing CPR, watching EMS work on him, watching the line on the heart monitor stay flat, realizing what that meant, and realizing that I had failed him by not saving him in that moment. I know the Medical Examiner explained the science behind his death. Logically, he explained that I couldn’t have saved him. Logically, I know. Yet, in my heart, I have never been able to truly absorb that into my heart and let go of the “my fault” bit.

SO… that is where I wanted to start.

That first re-processing session occurred first thing Monday morning. It was so weird… and yet, I found my grace! Don’t misunderstand. I am still sad when I think about Bruce dying. However, the horror of those moments, as well as the guilt and regret I have felt for years, is gone. No kidding! Gone!

Even better, in it’s place are thoughts that affirm:
1. It is not my fault.
2. This is not my burden to carry. In fact, it is time to lay it down now and walk away. It is okay to be sad, of course, but no more reliving that night or second guessing everything I did.
3. I did not fail him.
4. He did not abandon me.
5. I was brave. I tried. He tried. However, death is a part of life. It sucks. It hurts… but, this isn’t the end of my story.

I know all of that sounds logical. Why couldn’t I get to this space sooner and without any help? I don’t know what to tell you, except that in less than 30 minutes, I am free from all of the darkness that has been a huge part of that memory since it occurred.

A few hours later, I had another interview. (Of course, right?) I was told that interviewing on the same day was a bad idea, but honestly, I felt great! In fact, the interview went great… and my whole week started turning around… or maybe I was just in a better space to notice it, (like I talked about last week).

You see, there have actually been three companies where I am into 3rd and 4th round interviews… praying for that job offer. All three were businesses I would love to work for. I like the values of each company, the position I was applying for, and the manager I would report to. Admittedly, I had my favorite hopeful, but I also knew I would love an offer from any one of them.

Then it happened. I received a job offer from my favorite one. Not only did I get any offer, it came with the most wonderful praise and compliments – something I have no problem giving to others, but struggle to accept when they come in my direction. Yet… this time was a little bit different. This time, I listened and allowed those words to flow into my soul. That was a new experience for me… and I hung up feeling nothing but gratitude.

Gratitude for a path that can seem hard at times, yet can be filled with peace when peace is what I choose to focus on finding… A path that has opened up a world of grace for mistakes made or responsibility taken that was never really mine at all… A path that supports my growth, so that I can be grateful for all that life has given me and for a future that now holds so much hope.

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.
Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Learning to Accept What Is

Note: My apologies for not posting last week. I was spending some very needed time with family. <3

This past week marked what would have been our 18th wedding anniversary. It’s hard to believe that wonderful day when we joined our lives was that long ago. It feels like only yesterday. I know it’s been more than 10 years since Bruce’s death, and yet… our time together still seems so closely connected to my life… even now.

This is the time of year that always holds its challenges for me. There is one memorable event after another – our anniversary, Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, the anniversary of our meeting, New Years, and the anniversary of his death. Whew! It is a lot of emotions in a short span of time!

This year, there has even been a little more craziness to add to the pile. The company where I have worked for 17 years made the necessary decision to lay off 2400 people at the end of September. While my kids who also work there were safe, my job (and most of my department) was considered expendable at this time. So… here I am looking for a job, while balancing all these other events in the background. (Sigh…)

In the past, I know I would have been an emotional basket case. In fact, this blog likely would have been filled with all kinds of sadness and self-pity… Not this year, though… At least, not this week.

As I have said before, I have spent this year working on me… learning to simply “be”… learning to focus on “what is” versus “what was”. I have found a church which has encouraged my own spiritual growth, made friends who have similar goals and focus, and learned to let go (with love) of those things that I cannot control or do not serve me in a positive way. Therefore, when this quote popped up in my readings last week, it truly spoke to my heart.

“We may not always get what we want, but through gratitude and giving, we have the opportunity to want what we already have and to realize just how much we have to give.”
~ Teresa Burton, The Daily Word Nov – Dec 2023 edition, Dear Reader

I know this is the month of gratitude, so I wasn’t surprised to read this. What did surprise me was my response to it. In the past, I would have thought, “Yeah, sure, but… how can I be thankful during this time when I am constantly reminded of all that I have lost?” Instead, my heart has embraced this idea.

Why? I think a lot of it has to do with the wording. Rather than telling the reader what to feel or not feel, this quote starts with empathy for what is not – “We may not always get what we want…” The word “may” instead of a harsher “don’t” makes the difference for me. If the phrase were “we don’t always get what we want”, I would have stopped reading, because that sounds like the beginnings of a lecture. It would have lacked the empathy that I still need to hear.

Then, this quote gives some ideas for direction – “… through gratitude and giving, …” In other words, it isn’t just about gratitude for what I do have, it also involves looking outside of myself to see where I might help someone else with their struggles. That is definitely something I have taken to heart this year… By looking outside of myself, my focus changes. Instead, I find myself looking at others. I’m not trying to “rescue” anyone, but I can offer kindness and understanding, or maybe there is a physical need where I can help. Next thing I know, my own struggles don’t seem so all-encompassing.

Finally, the quote ends with hope – “… we have the opportunity to want what we already have and to realize just how much we have to give.” Hope for opportunities to come and realization of what we have… This is something that is hard to hold onto when we are grieving. Trust me… I know. For years, I have struggled to find any kind of hope in a life without Bruce. However, when I focus on the opportunities and possibilities ahead, life looks completely different.

So… This year, as I move through each of these days and weeks ahead with such deep emotional reminders (and possible triggers), I pray that I really can remember Bruce and all that we had, while also remembering to express my gratitude for all that is – my friends, my family, my health, the job that is waiting for me, and my faith that tells me there are so many more wonderful possibilities out there simply waiting for me to discover them.

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Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Letting Go

Fall… I love this time of year. Granted, in Florida, there aren’t the huge seasonal changes as in other places, but still… there are enough changes for us to notice. I love the cool (for Florida) nights and the cooler temps during the days. We don’t get a lot of color changes here… Okay, there are none at all in the trees, but the flowers that bloom are different than the ones blooming a few short weeks ago. (I guess, it’s all in what you choose to see.)

This year, fall has also held some other thoughts for me… Partly in the lessons to be learned by the world around us…

“And so begins the season of letting go,
When Mother Nature shows us all,
How it’s done.
Let go,
Free yourself“
~ From the poem, “The Season of Letting Go” by Donna Ashworth

Over the last several weeks, God, (the Universe, Spirit, whatever you prefer to call it), has been (what feels like) screaming at me to “let it go”. It started last month while on a retreat. We were talking about the different capacities of the mind that can be a link to God based on the divine spark within all people. We each pulled a card with one of these capacities listed on it to form a discussion team… and the one I pulled was… (drumroll, please) … the power of release.

Honestly, at the time, I didn’t think much of it on a personal level. I met with my group. We had a quick discussion about letting go of those things in our lives that are no longer serving us. Maybe these things had served a purpose at some point… maybe not. Either way, release involves letting those things go, so we can move forward in a healthy way. Nice discussion… great lesson… and as far as I was concerned, it was over… Only it wasn’t…

Instead, there have been constant little reminders every single day about letting go… releasing… and moving forward. This past week, it felt like the messages got even louder when in one of my meditations, it simply stated, “There are times when you have to let go.”

Seriously?? Okay… I’m listening… But… Let go of what?? Let go of people who hurt me? (What if that isn’t the answer? What if I can’t?) Let go of my old career expectations? (I’m currently looking to do that.) Let go of my grief for Bruce? (I don’t think I’m ready.) Let go of past traumas? (I’m working on that.) As more time has passed, I have felt more lost and frustrated, but still no answers… Let go of what?? It has been making me crazy!!

Even at Yoga this week, the instructor did something different, and led a yoga meditation for the hour based on… you guessed… letting go. She started with a wonderful poem by Saphire Rose called, “She Let Go”. Before the first line had been read, I was a puddle of tears…

“She let go. Without a thought
or a word, she let go.”
~ Saphire Rose, “She Let Go”

I came home and simply sat… It was obvious by this point that there is something I need to release, but what?… Obviously, I can think of a few things, but if those are to be released, then could someone, please, show me how? … So, I sat, and I pondered… But I got no answers… until this morning.

This morning, I did something I have not done since Bruce died. I sang… in public… at church. What in the world was I thinking??

You see, I have sung my entire life. When Bruce died, though, I simply stopped singing. It wasn’t really a conscious decision like “oh, Bruce died. I’ll never sing again.” Instead, it was more like all the joy in my world was suddenly gone and with it went my music. I have even written about it here a time or two. After a few years, I did finally start singing in the car or when I was alone at home, but only if it was Christmas music, or if I was clowning around with my grandson. In other words, the times were few and far between.

Then, with all the radiation and meds for the cancer years ago, my voice became not much more than a whisper. I went to a physical therapist who helped me recover my talking voice, but she told me without hesitation, that I would never sing again. At the time, I was devastated. Music has always been such a huge part of my identity that I couldn’t imagine having that taken away. At the same time, I continued to do my vocal exercises… and started noticing that she was wrong. My singing voice most certainly has been (slowly) coming back. I like to say my singing voice is like my curly hair, each day it does what it wants, and I just learn to go with it.

Then this week, our music director reached out and said that he heard I could sing and would I be willing to help out this week. I’m not sure what I was thinking, but I said, “Yes.” Immediately, I was nervous, and found myself praying that something would happen, so I wouldn’t have to sing after all… but (of course) nothing happened.

Instead, I found myself warming up in front of the mirror this morning as I got dressed… What in the world had I been thinking when I said yes???

Then, as I sat down in my reading chair for my morning tea and meditation time, I picked up a book to place it back on the shelf, and it fell open to a quote…

“Even in the blackest darkness, there is always light shining somewhere.”
~ Karen White, The Sound of Glass

That is true… There is always some light somewhere… So, then, why do I always feel like I am in the darkness? And suddenly, I knew… I knew without any doubt what it is I need to release…

It is not people or career expectations. It is not my grief for Bruce or any other past traumas… It is not anything that simple, nor is it any one thing or experience… Instead, it is something that lies under all of these things… It is fear. I need to let go of the fear that I let dictate so much of what I do or don’t do.

Unhealthy relationships? I fear rejection. I fear abandonment. I fear being unlovable. I fear not being enough.

Career expectations? I fear not finding another job. I fear losing everything I own (again). I fear no one believing in me or taking a chance on me.

My grief for Bruce? I fear losing my connection to him. I fear losing his family in my life. I fear taking a chance on someone else and going through this pain all over again.

Past traumas? I fear reliving them. I fear forgetting the lessons I learned there. I fear doing the work needed to reprocess and let these go.

That is it! That is my mission. That is the thing I need to release… fear.

So, this morning, nerves and all, I faced my fears… and sang. My son came and sat in the back to offer support, (which is a huge deal, because he is atheist) … but he was there… for me. I did it… and I survived. I’m still here. Nothing happened. The earth didn’t open up and swallow me whole. No one booed me. In fact, it was fine, and people couldn’t have been kinder.

That was my first step. I know there are a lot more still in front of me, but one day at a time… one step at a time… I can learn to trust myself and set a new course. I can learn let go of all those fears and maybe… just maybe… learn to simply live my life as a woman without fear.

“Like a leaf falling from a tree,
She just let go.”
~ Saphire Rose, “She Let Go”
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful, be fearless… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.