mourn – Page 10 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief… Grieving Through the Holidays

Most years I start writing about how hard this time of year is. It starts with our anniversary in November. Then, there is Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, the anniversary of our meeting, the New Year, and the anniversary of Bruce’s death. It seems like I barely push myself through one “big day”, and I hardly have time to catch my breath before there is another.

Most of the time, I feel like I have come such a long way since that awful night years ago. But this time of year, I seem to cry whenever I am alone. Although I’m not really alone… I just feel so alone. The people I love are all around me, and I couldn’t ask for more support, love and (most of all) hugs. But… Bruce was my other half, and without him, there is a loneliness that sinks deep into my bones.

I am alone.
When I am sad and hurting
And need someone
To hold me
And hug me
And dry my tears;
When I need someone
To talk to
And long for someone to spend my days with…
All I have is a memory…
A shadow of what was.
I am alone.
~ Linda, 2013

I miss him… I miss everything about him… I would still give anything to have him next to me – snuggled on the couch, gazing at the lights on the tree, and talking about nothing and everything. But… for me… for us, that will never happen again. That is where the feelings of loneliness and abandonment take hold… That is where I have to fight each and everyday to push through the grief and to celebrate the love of those around me.

Everything I read says that there are no rules for holiday grief… There is no right way or wrong way to survive this time of year. They are right. I have been struggling with this for years and every year is different. I can’t even seem to rely on anything I learned from the years before to help with my current processing. It is quite literally a “one-day-at-a-time” kind of survival…

Today has been one of those days where the tears keep falling no matter how hard I keep fighting them. (To the point that I am downright mad at myself.) This is ridiculous. I should be used to this by now, but logic doesn’t seem to be working. Instead, all I want to do is crawl under the covers and stay there until after all of these big days are over. I would give my soul to feel Bruce’s arms around me – holding me close as I feel the comfort of his love just one more time.

I know there are things in my world right now that I need to address – people I need to see or talk to, a couple of gifts still to buy, and life-tasks that require my attention before the start of a new week. (sigh) But I can’t… I feel broken… fragile… There is a huge piece of my heart that is gone and finding even a sliver of peace takes everything inside me. I don’t think I can do anything more… At least, not today… Maybe tomorrow…
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Congratulations to each of us for each day we have survived and moved ahead. We know that loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. We have learned that healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error and it moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Thankfully, as the years pass, I can honestly say that there are more of good moments than bad. Each day, I continue to learn more and more about those things that seem to help me heal and move forward – like sharing precious memories. So, I will continue to allow myself the space I need to heal and process this life without my love… without Bruce. Thankfully, at this point in my journey, I am learning that I am not alone – thanks to you!

In fact, none of us need to be alone, because we have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing and helps us to process that avalanche of emotions that grief brings us. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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Peace, Love, and Grief… Gossip and Rumors

“What other people think of me is none of my business.” ~ Wayne Dyer

In its different forms, this phrase is attributed to multiple people, and I believe most of us have heard it in some form. For me, (thankfully), I heard this phrase early on this journey. At about the same time, I also read several articles about typical rumors that tend to circulate around widows, in particular. Some of these include things like:

1. Widows are “loose” women. (I know – very old terminology.) This can take several directions in how it plays out… Suddenly, you are a “threat” … and since you are no longer part of a couple, you are no longer invited to “couples” events. (I assume, this is to protect their own relationships from our “loose” morals.) Another example is how some men tend to assume the same and run with that idea in many directions, none of which involves any respect at all.

2. Widows are either “loaded” from money left to them or desperately poor from money not left to them or due to no financial understanding. Yes, I have seen each of these play out, but there are also many of us who just keep plugging along like the rest of the world – doing things on our own financially.

3. Widows are looking to remarry. Maybe… maybe not… According to research, most widows do not remarry. I would guess that most of us are just like the rest of the population and moving through life as it comes. Most of us are not on a hunt for another partner.

4. Widows are an emotional mess. Not saying yes or no… It probably depends on who we are and any particular day. I believe we all have our moments, but I also believe, we are doing our best.
And the list goes on… (You get the picture.)

Through the years I have dealt with my fair share of these rumors, but who hasn’t? Shoot, even when I was separated and divorced, there was a huge rumor-mill in our small town. Honestly, I just tried to be open about my situation to head off most of the rumors, but ultimately, it is not in my hands what others choose to believe or not believe.

Even now, after almost a decade, there is evidently a rumor floating around this neighborhood. (Then again… maybe it’s a rumor that there is a rumor. LOL!)

What I know… The last decade without Bruce has been an emotional roller coaster… A fine line between, being friendly, but not wanting to trigger any of the aforementioned ideas people have.

As a child, I was painfully shy. You know… I was that kid who hid under my mother’s skirts when she wanted me to meet someone new… Or the kid whose sister not only had to go on stage with me at my first piano concert, she had to introduce my song and sit between me and the audience so I could just pretend they weren’t there. I laugh now, but that is who I was, and now, while I am no longer shy, I am quite introverted and slow to warm up to new relationships.

Sadly, this has somehow come across as me thinking I am too good… too stuck up to talk to or hang out with others. (Sigh) That couldn’t be further from the truth, although I can see where that might be what others observe and assume… (I think I just need to breathe…) All I know for sure is that I am who I am, and I am comfortable with who I am… and ultimately, while these rumors are none of my business, it still hurts a little bit… I won’t lie. At the same time, I must honestly look at myself and determine if and how I want to change what others see.

I do wish there was more understanding, but how can that happen if I am the one keeping to myself?

I think this may simply be one those bumps in the road, that I just need to figure out. There is an old saying about not judging someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. Yet, if that were the only way to understand me, I wouldn’t want it… I really wish no one else ever had to go down this path. And if I had only one thing to say about all of this it would be this:

Widows are just people who have been dealt a truly, awful, heavy blow. We aren’t trying to be difficult. It’s just that our world has been upended and we simply need some time (and grace) to regain our balance… Please be patient with us as we try to find our way.
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Congratulations to each of us for each day we have survived and moved ahead. We know that loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. We have learned that healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error and it moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Peace, Love, and Grief… The Last Thanksgiving

(Note: This was written prior to Thanksgiving, but since that was on my mind, I am posting as written vs rewording for this “after the holiday” posting.)

I think sometimes it is easy to forget how much we need each other. Yet, for me, I am reminded every single day when I wake up to face the empty side of the bed, how much I love and need the people around me. How important each on is to me… and how short and precious each moment is. I know that the next moment isn’t promised… which also means neither is the next Thanksgiving (or any other holiday).

I love the holidays. I haven’t always been able to say that, and it has definitely taken some time. However, I am learning to love them once again. Don’t misunderstand… holidays are still hard without Bruce, and there will always be a part of me that just wants to hide away. But… I also know that when I make myself push forward and spend time with the people I love, it is good.

This week, as I contemplate the upcoming holiday, I have found myself trying like crazy to remember my and Bruce’s last holiday together. It has taken longer than I thought, but as I get older, I guess those memories either start to run together or are lost somewhere in the recesses of my brain. So, it has taken a few days of racking my brain, but I have finally remembered…

In the years we lived in Michigan, (except for the first year), Bruce and I always spent Thanksgiving with his family. I love those memories – the food, the laughter, the teasing, the games, and (of course) all the love.

By the year 2012, though, we had lived in Florida for a few years and were still trying to figure out how we wanted to build our new holiday traditions down here… away from family. That was the year, we decided to go out to dinner rather than cooking a feast for only two people. I had tried to make a few reservations, but every place I called was full. I was ready to give up, but not Bruce.

One day at work, while listening to the radio, Bruce heard about some restaurant near the airport that still had openings, had great reviews, and would have TVs set up with football playing. LOL! Bruce was sold and came home to let me know we now had reservations.

Also, that year, my youngest daughter was going to be in town (at the parks) with her boyfriend’s family. They already had plans for most of the day, but we decided to all get together for breakfast. Then, they could go have fun in the parks, and we would have plenty of time before our dinner reservations to get hungry again.

Breakfast wasn’t fancy, but it was fun. We laughed and shared stories. Then, when it was over, I struggled… It was hard to say goodbye… I don’t think any of us could get enough hugs to last us until we would see each other again.

Bruce and I, then, spent time at one of the restaurants at Riverwalk – enjoying some wine and beer and (of course) some football. We took turns calling our folks to talk and wish everyone a wonderful holiday. It was very chill and really nice to just sit and enjoy each other. Dinner followed soon after. Then, we were back home getting ready for work the next day.

It wasn’t anything major… It was a pretty quiet holiday… But it was nice, and we were together. We got to see some family and talked to the rest. It wasn’t like before nor was it like the commercials on TV, but it was still nice… It was still us… together… We were content… We were happy.

And… We had no idea it would be our last Thanksgiving together. In my mind, it was just one more Thanksgiving in what was (and would continue to be) a long line of holidays spent together…

Now… this week, as I remember all of that… especially the part where we had no idea that it would be our last Thanksgiving, I know just how precious this time is. I know that four years ago, after spending a year fighting cancer, I had my own doubts about whether or not I would see another Thanksgiving… But I have… And the gift of that time with the people I love has meant the world to me.

I still struggle through the day… I know that on holidays, I tend to self-medicate (bad, I know) and get lost in my emotions. I know that I must work at being social. I know that my mind isn’t always focused on what is happening around me and I have to constantly remind myself to be present. Most of the time, in the past, it has felt like walking in a dream, where everyone else thinks all is well, but somehow I know it’s not… I don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s the best way I know to describe it. It’s just plain hard… and I’m still not good at it, but I am learning.

The other part of the holidays is the part leading up to it, which is why I am writing this now versus later… For people who are grieving, it seems like the anticipation of what is about to happen can oftentimes be harder than the actual event itself… Not always – but often. This week, it has been hard to keep myself from spiraling down. To constantly remind myself that I am not alone. That my kids and my family will be there… We will be together, and we will have fun… I can do this… I must do this.

So… Since I am writing this before the holiday, I hope yours is a good one. I pray you are able to focus on the love around you versus the empty seat at your table, because… let’s be honest… None of us knows if there will be another empty chair next year… And if that should happen, I don’t want to regret a holiday wasted on what was instead of what is…

Happy Thanksgiving and may God bless your day and those you love!
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Congratulations to each of us for each day we have survived and moved ahead (especially the holidays). We know that loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. We have learned that healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error, and it moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Grief is Not for the Faint of Heart

How do I find my joy in this when you were my joy?
I am sinking on my own.
I know I need to find some peace in this,
But all I want to find is you.
How do I reconcile what I know with what I feel?
I can’t…
Instead, I smile, like a good girl,
Finding neither joy… nor peace… Not you.
~ Linda, Oct 2013

All of us have known struggles – some harder than others. Some requiring more from us and others resolving on their own. Grief, depending on what you are grieving, can fall in either category. However, when referring to the loss of a loved one, grief is one of those struggles that can be overwhelming and requires a lot from you. It has many facets and even more emotions that can leave you exhausted as you seemingly bounce from one to the next.

In other words, grief is not for the faint of heart… The end…

Just kidding…

If you have ever grieved, you would likely agree, because there is nothing truer. At the same time, because each of us is different, I think there is probably more to say, especially this time of year.

Grief, from day one, has been one of the hardest challenges I have ever encountered. It is probably the most overwhelming plethora of emotions I have ever felt. For me, grief has created a brokenness that affects me physically, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally… There is no part or piece of me that has not been affected by the loss of Bruce.

Physically… There are times when my heart hurts… I mean literally, physically hurts… To be honest, even now, there are times when I can’t even breathe because the pain is so deep and so intense… It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and simply tossed aside… And there is no where to go to find any relief at all. Instead, I am left to smile at the world and pretend that all is well, but on the inside, I feel dead… I feel completely lost.

Emotionally… Grief isn’t just one emotion; it is a plethora of emotions… a jumbled mess of shock, disbelief, sadness, frustration, anger, abandonment. You name it, it’s there… just below the surface looking for a way out.

Spiritually… I was already struggling here when Bruce died. Immediately after he died, I lost any faith I may have had. I won’t lie… It has taken years for me to rebuild my faith… To make it something that is completely mine… something true… something that gives me hope, (which is something else I thought was completely gone).

Relationally… I am terrified… Terrified of losing another person I love. I am sure I will; that is the way the world is built. I am also very much aware that I avoid meeting new people because of this very thing. I think subconsciously, I do it out of self-protection… just to lower the odds of losing another person I love. I don’t believe I could survive another loss like this one. In fact, I know I couldn’t. After all, even all these years later, the loss of Bruce can still bring me to my knees when I think about how much I love this man who is no longer in my world.

Now… add to all that to the holiday season… family gatherings, Christmas movies all about love found, the songs, the traditions… and, of course, the memories. But no matter how much I wish it, or how much I beg to wake up from this awful nightmare, this is my reality. This is where I am.

And this… all of it, hurts. It’s hard… It’s too hard. Sometimes it feels like the world expects too much. I hate it, and I still don’t understand why it had to be this way.

Over the years, I have written about how hard this time of year is (because it is). I have also learned that the best way for me to get through it is to stay busy with other people, especially family. It isn’t just the distraction of being busy (although that is a huge part), there is also the love I feel when I am with my family. I know that probably sounds dysfunctional – too dependent on others. At the same time, I also know that we are creatures of relationships, and my family is full of strong, dependable relationships filled with love. So, when the times get tough (like now), I lean heavily on those. I draw strength from them to get me from one day to the next.

Yet, because it is the holidays and everyone else is filled with joy… and happiness… and excitement… and all the things, I must temper my grief. To function, there are many times when I find myself shoving all that grief down deep inside – pretending everything is okay, while in truth, without my family, I would be completely lost.

This weekend has been one of those “harder than normal” weekends. Somehow, despite trying to do otherwise, I have found myself here alone. Plans made had to be cancelled, which is okay – I get it… Things happen – things change. Plus, I have 1000 things I need to do to prepare for Thanksgiving in a few short days. It is the being alone, though, that makes it hard. It is looking around and remembering the holidays we shared here. It is walking through the stores and watching couples as they discuss and plan how to navigate the holidays. It is making recipes that were Bruce’s favorites or simply sitting here in the candlelight thinking about us.

There is no quitting. There is no forgetting. Instead, there is a constant ache… and an emptiness that can’t be filled. To survive, there is only taking one breath at a time… one step at a time. Praying that somehow, God could pull me onto his lap and hold me tight, rocking and comforting me like a small child.

That is a small glimpse of what I mean when I say grief is hard… That is what I mean when I say that grief is not for the faint of heart.
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Congratulations to each of us for each day we have survived and moved ahead. We know that loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. We have learned that healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error and it moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Peace, Love, and Grief… With All My Heart

This week was our anniversary… In keeping with years past, I have chosen to simply share the words I wish I could say to Bruce. Who knows… maybe by sharing them here… by putting them out into the universe, he will hear them too and know that my love for him is still going strong…

Hi Babe!

Happy Anniversary! It is hard to believe that this would have been year 17… Yet, it feels like only yesterday when we stood with our families in front of a judge, said, “I do”, and made promises of love and commitment. I can remember the feel of your hands holding mine. I can remember looking into your eyes and all of my doubts and fears about trusting someone again fell away… I knew this was right. I knew our love was true… and real… and forever.

This year, though, has been one of the hardest anniversaries to date…

I was really looking forward to a day spent simply celebrating us. I wanted to spend time on the beach watching the sunrise. Then, a celebratory dinner at our favorite restaurant down in Cocoa. Sadly, though, TS/Hurricane Nicole changed all of those plans. Instead, I have been stuck here at home, watching the weather and waiting… just waiting.

It feels so wrong… as if “we” never happened… I know it sounds melodramatic, but I have never not celebrated this day. I was actually supposed to be off today to spend the day celebrating us – the biggest blessing my little family has known. Instead, though, I gave the day back at the last minute yesterday. Knowing that I wouldn’t be able to go anywhere, it seemed like a very bad idea to sit here at home feeling sorry for myself versus celebrating.

So, I worked today. It seemed like a good idea to pass the time, and now, at the end of the day, I am simply sitting here in our space – celebrating with a glass of wine and writing to you all the things I wish I could tell you…

Let me start by saying, “Thank you!” Thank you for coming into my life and being my hero. Thank you for all of your love and support… for believing in me… for believing that I could do so much more than I ever imagined.

Thank you, too, for loving my kids… For being the man whom they could count on to love them no matter what… For being the man who showed unconditional love and support from day one. Thank you for showing them what a healthy marriage and an emotionally healthy man look like… For being a true father – not in name only, but in your everyday actions.

Thank you for all the love and endless hugs… For holding me in the night when I awoke terrified of dreams about the past that felt all too real… For greeting me at the door with a hug and a glass of wine at the end of a hard day… For making me feel like the only woman in the world (in your eyes) who mattered… For believing in me… and believing in us.

Thank you for days spent on the beach and all the barefoot dances in the kitchen… For your constant outlook for our safety, and your endless patience. Thank you for this beautiful home, and all the ways you tried to have everything in order before you died.

For all of this and so much more, I thank you! I know our love was a blessing that I will always cherish… a gift that I will never, ever forget.

I love you, Babe, with all my heart… Now and Forever!

Linda

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way.” ~ Pablo Neruda
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. Healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error and moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Do I Stay or Do I Go?

When Bruce died, we had only lived in this town for a short time. In fact, I knew exactly four people here, but only well enough to speak if I saw them – not well enough to call them in case of a crisis. At the same time, the closest family member then was my son who lived 6+ hours away. So, when Bruce died, I went to the hospital alone. I came home alone. I called everyone on my own… and I waited… alone.

I remember the waiting… That was a long night.

Honestly, I had great friends at work, and they rushed to my side, but even they were an hour away and it was in the wee hours of the morning. It took some time. The time spent waiting was probably the loneliest and most abandoned I have ever felt. My boss, at that time, was a wonderful woman and the first to arrive, and she stayed with me until a few family members were able to get here.

By the end of the day, despite the amount of travel involved, most of our family were here and I was surrounded with love and support. Of course, though, they couldn’t stay forever, and within a couple of weeks, I was back to being alone.

At the time, in my quest to figure out how to manage this new path I was on, I read a lot about people who move almost right away after losing a spouse… usually to move in with or be closer to family. However, everything I read said not to make any major decisions for at least one year… to wait… give yourself time to think clearly and make better rational choices vs emotionally packed ones. As for me, there wasn’t a lot to consider. My job was here. Our home that we had shared was here. I couldn’t even begin to imagine leaving.

God works in funny ways, though, and within a few years, three of my four children had moved to Florida. For the last several years, they have all been within 45 minutes – 2 hours from me, so we see each other all the time. It has been a blessing I never thought would happen and absolutely relish each and every moment we have together.

So… Life moves on (as it should), and things change (as they should), and now I find myself wondering if I should consider moving closer to them. Sitting through the last hurricane alone was a little scary, and is actually what really got me thinking about it. I know we aren’t that far apart now, but how wonderful would it be to able to meet up for breakfast before work, or have a weekly family dinner (mid-week), or to be more involved in my grandson’s day-to-day world?

So that is my quandary… and I don’t know what to do… Overall, yes… it would be a positive move for me, and more than likely a good investment. At the same time, it means leaving our space… our home. For years, I have known in my heart that Bruce picked this house and space and did a little extra work to make it a safe place for me. I will always be convinced that he knew he wouldn’t always be here, and eventually, I would be alone. Our neighborhood is gated; he reinforced the windows and doors to make them more secure; and he added a security system. (All things he had never done in our previous home.)

But… to be closer to the kids means I have someone to call when I have an emergency or need a hand with something (like hurricanes or illness). Being closer to the kids means, as I get older and time is more precious, I am spending more time with the people I care most about. Also, since I tend to keep to myself and still only know about four people in town, I am alone most of the time… Being closer to my kids, though, means that would likely change (at least a little bit).

But… I still feel Bruce here… I am sure it has more to do with my heart than the floors and walls. However, I can’t help but wonder if that feeling will follow me to a new space? Will I still feel him, or will it feel like I am letting go and losing him all over again? I don’t think I could bear that… I don’t think I could survive that.

Granted, there is a certain amount of privacy that comes from having some distance between us, but I’m not sure that is always a good thing. Lately, since I work virtually, I find myself wondering how much of this loneliness is simply about hiding from the rest of the world. I mean, I go out with friends from work, and I absolutely see my kids at least once a week. However on a day-to-day basis, I have to make a conscious decision to leave the house… To get out in the world and simply smile and say “Hi” to people. Sometimes, I think it would be way too easy for me to just hide in here, and that is not good at all.

At the same time, other than this space, I really have nothing to keep me here, and I am torn.

So… what about y’all? For all the widows and widowers… I know we all have to make our own choices, and we all have our own reasons for those choices…. But what did you do? What were your reasons? I am interested… I know I want to make a solid decision, but I am really struggling…
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. Healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error and moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Why Not Ask Why?

When Bruce died, I couldn’t understand why. He was still so young – only 52… We were still so young… For the life of me, it made no sense. For months, I waited for the autopsy report – for an answer as to how a health conscience man could be fine one moment and gone the next. I knew it wouldn’t change the fact that he was gone, but I really needed to know why.

At the time, there were many people who were also on my train… They needed the “why”, as much as I did. Yet, there were also others who questioned my need to know… “Why bother,” they would ask, “What difference would it make?”

I couldn’t answer those questions. (Now, I know I didn’t need to – I didn’t owe them an answer for any of those questions.) At the time, though, I began to feel that my asking “why” somehow made me bad – like I wasn’t trusting in my faith, somehow. But I needed to know… and trying to act like it didn’t matter only made me angry.

Why not ask why? What was wrong with needing to understand why? One minute he had been fine – laughing, teasing, loving… and a few short hours later, he was gone… Like someone had snapped their fingers and suddenly he was gone… Who wouldn’t ask why?

It took four months to get the medical answer to why… Yet here I am year later, still asking God… the universe… whoever is listening… Why? I still don’t understand. It still causes me to pause and take a deep breath before moving on. However, I don’t feel guilty about asking why anymore… I think it is a perfectly normal, valid question.

It has taken me a while to get here, though…

Growing up, questioning was frowned on. Don’t question authority. Don’t question your faith. Don’t question (period). Acceptance of what was or what I was told was the “good” way to behave. I didn’t dare question… I didn’t dare ask why.

That, however, got me knot some bad situations. For example. My first marriage… I was suppose to just accept it – chaos, violence, all of it – no “why’s” allowed.

As for my religion… why would God do this or allow that? What about parts of the Bible that contradict each other? NOPE! Supposedly doubt was okay – at least that is what we were told… But only if you accepted the answers to your questions at face value and then let it go.

In other words, “why” was always a bad word – like talking bad or being disrespectful in some way. So, asking that question made me as if I were bad, as well.

Yet, I’ve always kind of been that square peg – trying to do the right thing, but never quite fitting in. So when Bruce died, I think I was just finally at that point where I simply couldn’t keep playing the game. This time it hurt too badly to simply accept it. I was angry… This was wrong… This wasn’t fair… This time I needed to ask why. I couldn’t simply accept things as they were… I couldn’t “be good” anymore… I was hurting more than I have ever hurt… I was angry and confused… My world had fallen apart beneath my feet.

That was then; this is now…

Scientifically, I understand why he died. In my heart, though, I still find myself asking why… Sometimes I find myself asking Bruce why he left me here alone… Sometimes I ask God why he let Bruce die… I know I’ll never have a real answer to any of those questions. I also know that, more than likely, I’ll never stop asking.

The difference, though? Now, I don’t feel guilty for asking. It’s okay to feel what I feel… and it’s okay to question God (or the universe or whatever)… And… it’s definitely okay to ask, “Why?”
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All of us on this journey know that it isn’t easy. Loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. Healing takes time… There is a lot of trial and error, and moves at its own pace. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Peace, Love, and Grief… It’s Okay to Grieve

Losing a loved one… losing a spouse is hard. Everyone deals with it in their own way according to the relationship and each individual personality. From the outside looking in, it appears that some people grieve long and hard while others seem to grieve quietly or move on quicker. Honestly, I believe that how a person grieves it up to them… and no one else.

In my experience, people were very understanding for the first six months or so. Even for the first year, most people were understanding and offered support. After the first year, though, I started noticing the judgement… It didn’t come from all directions, but it was frequent, and to say it was frustrating would be an understatement.

I can remember comments made about moving on or how I wasn’t the only person to ever lose someone… Back then, I was horrified and hurt at these types of comments. They weren’t helpful and only caused more pain for me to work through. I can remember people who wanted to “fix” me with essential oils or shame me with religious dogma or by telling me to consider how my on-going grief might be affecting others… No matter the approach, the ultimate message was, “Stop grieving. Stop feeling what you feel. Smile and go back to being who you were before all this.”

It was a terrible message, (not to mention impossible)… For the longest time, I questioned myself and if there was something wrong with me. There wasn’t… It was just that my way of working through this whole thing was slower than some, but just right for me. I didn’t need to be fixed, and I definitely didn’t need to be shamed. All these things did was to create more pain.

I know I’ve written about a lot of these situations before. I’ve written about things not to say to someone who is grieving. I’ve written about doing what is right for you if you are grieving and taking the time and space you need to heal. I still think that is all true.

This last week, however, (while I was away taking care of the grand-puppies), I thought about a few things…

1. Don’t feel bad about feeling bad. Your feelings are valid. This is hard and traumatic. The last thing you need to add to your pile of hurt is someone else’s opinions, especially when they have no idea. Also, (if you believe in the Christian faith), take comfort in knowing that there were times when even Jesus felt forsaken and alone, too. In other words, he gets it. He understands and there is no judgement for how you feel – only compassion. (No matter what some people will tell you.) Religion should never be used as a weapon – it should be a comfort… especially in times of hurt and grief.

2. Healing isn’t a switch – neither is love. It isn’t something that we can just turn off because that person is gone. There are good days and bad days. There are better days and not so better days. There are times when we just need to let ourselves cry, and times when we know we need to monitor our sadness for our own sakes (and no one else’s). Healing is a journey, and it takes time. So, take all the time you need… You owe yourself at least that much.

3. If you are watching someone grieve, no matter what you believe that grieving person should be doing, don’t say it. That is really just how you believe you would grieve. It is based on your personality and your relationships – not theirs. Simply be compassionate. Sit with them. Listen to them. Don’t be afraid to say the name of the person who died or to tell stories about them. Trust me when I say that means the world to the person grieving. To know it is okay to say their name – that the loved one is not forgotten is a comfort. (And if you are worried that mentioning the loved one will only bring up sadness and memories, you are wrong. The person grieving can think of nothing else. Talking about them is often a huge relief.)

That’s it… nothing earth shattering. Just a reminder to all of us that grief is hard. It is individual… and the best we can do is to just be kind and patient, and most of all… just keep loving each other.
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This journey isn’t easy… not that you need me to tell you that. Loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. Healing is slow… There is a lot of trial and error, and it takes time. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

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Peace, Love, and Grief… Maintaining Joy

This week I was asked a challenging question… How do you maintain joy in troubling times?

I have always been a positive person. However, since Bruce died, this is a struggle for me. Since joy is more than happiness… It is a deep inner feeling… a way of being… It is a “knowing” that what is happening around you, can’t “kill” what’s inside – like an assurance that in the end all will be well. At the same time, the trauma of Bruce’s death and the aftermath of grief have definitely affected that part of me.

When my daughter and grandson lived here, she brought with her a “24 Hour Rule”. This meant that you get 24 hours to feel sorry or sad or whatever negativity is haunting you. Then, you need to check yourself – reign it in and take the necessary steps to move forward. I remember, at first, thinking “Hmmm… We’ll see… I’ll feel what I feel for as long as I feel it.” Yet that attitude is exactly how I can end up so deep into the rabbit hole that I can’t get out… So, I decided to play along and give it a try.

For me, it turns out that even 24 hours can be too long… In that amount of time, I can get way too deep in that hole. Instead, I have found that small doses of grief and missing Bruce is healthier for me than allowing myself a 24 hour “deep dive”.

For example, this week while porch sittin’ with a friend, they told me about their own heart attack years ago. As they described their experience, I couldn’t help but think that this was probably what Bruce endured. After all, Bruce had a massive heart attack that night… only he didn’t recover… From that day to this, I have occasionally questioned what he was aware of, but I have never researched or read about a heart attack from a survivor’s account… Maybe because they were exactly that – survivors… and Bruce wasn’t… Or… maybe I’m just not ready yet.

My friend described how they were aware, but couldn’t move – as if they were paralyzed… Did Bruce have that sensation? Did he hear me call 911? Could he feel me performing CPR? My friend hadn’t mentioned pain, but did it hurt? Was he scared? Did he even know what was happening? … So many questions…

My friend, also, talked about “the light”. They described how they saw it and were drawn toward it. In their case, though, that was about the same time that EMS used the paddles to shock their heart. Luckily, for them (and those who love them), they were immediately drawn back to the present. They went on to tell me that it was at that point that they actually felt the pain and were able to move again.

I wondered about Bruce… Was he drawn to the light? I am guessing he must have been… Was it a choice? Could he see what was happening here? Or was the light so intriguing that nothing else mattered? As I sat there listening, I wondered all these things.

I was cognizant of a few things, though, as we sat there…
1. This was my friend’s story. It wasn’t about me or Bruce. I needed to let go and listen. My friend was who needed to be heard in that moment.
2. It would be healthier for me to ponder all of this later… on my own and in small doses.

So, that’s what I’ve done this week – ten minutes here… two minutes there. I’ve thought about it, and I’ve wondered… but I still have no answers. In the next few weeks, I may even look up some of these heart attack survivor stories. After all, this is also a part of Bruce’s story, so I want to know… I need to know… Or at the very least, to understand better how he experienced that night, too.

Then maybe, in time, I can meld our two stories from that night together… Maybe I can even find some peace. However, I know that if I try to do this too quickly, or all at once, it will absolutely cripple me emotionally… It would definitely steal my joy that I have worked so hard to regain.

So… slowly and in small doses… guiding my focus and guarding my joy… That has become my journey… That has become my “new normal”. That is how I am learning to maintain my joy in troubling times.
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This journey isn’t easy… not that you need me to tell you that. Loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. Healing is slow… There is a lot of trial and error, and it takes time. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls and guard our joy. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.

Peace, Love, and Grief… What Do I Do with a Hurricane?

During that first year after Bruce died, there were so many things that either we did together or he took care on his own, and I had no idea how I would fill that void. Almost ten years later, and the challenges still keep presenting themselves. Over time, though, I learned to either do those things on my own (using a lot of You Tube videos) or I have (thankfully) been able to pay someone to do. This last week, however, was different… This last week’s challenge came in the form of a hurricane named Ian…

Throughout my life, I have found that there are two categories of people when it comes to hurricanes – those who stay and those who leave. Granted, the reasons behind each decision are as individual and vast as the people being affected by the storm. I’m also not saying one decision is better than the other… just that each adult makes that decision for themselves.

Most of my life has been spent living in coastal towns, which means hurricanes have always been a part of my world. Personally, I don’t find them a great adventure, as some do… They are just like a price to pay for living where I live… and that’s my choice.

While Bruce has always loved the coast, he grew up in Michigan, so hurricanes were not something he had ever had to think about. In fact, years ago when we first moved down here to Florida, I remember him making the comment that he would love to see a hurricane. (What???) I remember looking at him and telling him that he would be here alone, because I have no intention of staying in harm’s way… He chuckled, but I don’t think either of us changed our minds.

Truthfully, we both had different emotions when it came to storms in general. I, on the one hand, have been in three different homes that were hit by lightning, so I am not a fan. I’m not scared, and I don’t cry… I just don’t like them. Bruce, on the other hand, liked nothing better than to sit on the porch during a storm and watch the lightning show. Needless to say, he sat out there by himself. LOL!

During our time together here in Florida, Bruce never did get to experience a hurricane. In fact, for another year or so after he died, our area of Florida was spared, so I didn’t have to think about it. However, soon after my daughter and grandson moved in, we had our first hurricane with suggested (not mandatory) evacuation. We decided to put up the shutters and leave town.

There were a couple more hurricanes through the years, and we did the same. However, there was one which was predicted to be a category 1 and not headed directly at us… So, we decided to stay. We prepped the house, got our hurricane supplies, and hunkered down.

I won’t lie… It was a little bit scary. I mean… I wasn’t hiding under the bed or anything, but I didn’t like it. We could hear all of the outdoor sounds, such as the wind, the trees breaking, things being tossed around, but because of the shutters, none of us could see what was actually going on. (That was way too far out of my comfort zone.) In the end, we were fine. We didn’t have power for a day or two, and a few bushes were lost, but nothing major.

Which brings us to Ian this last week…

First of all, it was in the Gulf… Sure, we would get some stormy weather, but I wasn’t worried. In fact, I would say most people in our little town weren’t too worried. We felt bad for those on the west side of the state, but were relieved it wasn’t our turn… Little did we know, it would be our turn too.

Granted, we didn’t get the full fury seen by SW Florida, (and my heart is breaking as we learn more and more about what Ian did there). Yet, Ian was still a hurricane when it passed over our town, and it was slow moving. I keep hurricane supplies and plenty of food and water all the time, so I didn’t need to worry about any of that. However, by the time I realized what we were likely to experience, it was too late to put up the storm shutters or leave town. (And where would I go if I tried to leave? That storm was so massive, it was wreaking havoc in all directions.) So, I pulled all of my outside furniture in, and prayed for the best.

I kept telling myself that I had done this before… I could do this again. I should also tell you that experiencing a hurricane while completely alone is whole other another story.

My biggest concern was the retention pond behind my house. I had already been watching the flooding left in Ian’s wake, so that was my biggest worry. While we had been feeling the bands for days, Ian was set to actually hit our town sometime during the middle of the night, which meant I wouldn’t be able to watch the pond level. When the last light of day dissipated, the pond was about four feet from my property line, and we were forecast to get another 8 – 10 inches of rain.

To say I didn’t sleep, would be an understatement. While the sound of the wind was quite loud, it was actually the worry over the pond that kept me awake. I was up every few minutes to check and see if there was water coming up on the porch. (I couldn’t see any farther in the dark.) I texted friends (who were also wide awake) and watched weather channel like a fiend… I should also confess that the whole time, I kept talking to Bruce and telling him that this was his wish – not mine. (LOL)

(Sigh of relief!) While it took about two days for Ian to pass, in the end, though, all was well here – the pond held, my house is fine, and I only lost a few plants… Not too bad at all!

The biggest thing for me, though is that fact that I did it… and I did it alone! As a widow, I can tell you that things like this are a big deal! Most people I know have families or roommates, so they don’t have to do things like this all alone… And honestly, I would have never thought I could have done this alone, (nor would I have tried to do it alone on purpose).

But I did! And I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of proud of me… I also sincerely believe that Bruce would be impressed and proud, too! (As a side note, however, (proud or not) I still wouldn’t do this by myself again, if there is any way to avoid it. Just sayin’! LOL!)
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This journey isn’t easy… not that you need me to tell you that. Loss can be traumatic, and the grief and life we are left to figure out is hard. Thankfully, though, there are moments and actions we can take to refresh our souls. There are also challenges where we learn that we are stronger than we think we are… Both of these provide moments where I learn a little bit more about faith, life, and love.