Tag: widow

Peace, Love and Grief… That Peace Thing…

“While you are proclaiming peace with your lips, be careful to have it even more fully in your heart.” ~ St. Francis of Assisi

Peace… One syllable, and yet one of those things most of us strive to accomplish… Shoot, even the nations of our world struggle with this one… And so, do I…

Bruce always made it look so simple. He always seemed to be at peace with whatever was going on… Well, maybe not always. There were a few times I can remember when life seemed to catch up to him, as well. However no matter what, he always managed to quickly draw that peaceful demeanor back… A skill and attitude I still greatly admire.

In December, I decided to make that my goal – to maintain peace in my life – my attitudes and my demeanor. To help, I have a book that I am working my way through, and it has really helped… until the past couple of weeks. Why? Because I dropped the ball.

Things were going so well, until I got lazy… I stopped making this a daily goal. And now I must confess – as life has happened over the past couple of weeks, I have not been so good about maintaining peace in my heart.

While I was working through the book, I learned to let things go, especially those things that aren’t “mine” in the first place. I had stopped taking things people said personally. I even managed to apply this “peace thing” to my grief. I know it is how I not only made it through the holidays, I was actually happy… In fact, I can even say I enjoyed the season.

But the last few weeks, as I have focused less and less on maintaining that peace I so greatly admired in Bruce, I have found myself slipping back into old habits… And I don’t like it.

“Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on Him who has all things safely in his hands.” ~ Elisabeth Elliot

At first, it was little things – things people said (or didn’t say) … things they did (or didn’t do). (Are you seeing a pattern here?) I was getting really good at blaming others for my attitude and feeling sorry for myself – something I haven’t done in a very long time. But there I was thinking about everyone else’s behavior and expecting them to change. It was very similar to when Bruce first died. I was so caught up in my own sadness and grief that I couldn’t see past it. It was a self-pitying, all-about-me attitude.

But that is no way to go through life, and it all seemed to come to a head this weekend.

On Friday, someone at work made an unkind comment which I normally would have ignored. I know hurting people hurt people. I know that just because someone says something about me doesn’t make it true. I know it says more about them, than it does about me. But I wouldn’t let it go. I held onto it all day… Then, I posted about it on Facebook (because that’s such a great idea – please note the sarcasm). My friends were very kind, but seriously – what a pity party! On Saturday, I deleted that post immediately – I was so frustrated that I had allowed myself to go down that road.

I wish I could say that was it… I wish I had immediately realized the path I was on versus the path I want to be on, but I didn’t. That didn’t happen until today…

As I sat in church this morning and listened to the pastor talk about “peacemakers,” I began to realize what has been missing in my life over the last few weeks – It was “that peace thing.” It was remembering that…

“We are the bearers of peace by staying peaceful ourselves.” ~ Unknown

This afternoon, I have pulled my book back out from under the stack of books by my bed. I have been reading through the things I had written and underlined. I could be upset with myself… But, then again, that wouldn’t be very peaceful, would it? Instead, I know I need to take a deep breath, let go of what I can’t change, and change the one thing I can – me… and my attitude.

Years ago, grief created a perfect storm in which I became very comfortable at feeling sorry for myself. And while that grew tiresome (even for me), habits can be hard to change – although not impossible. However, it definitely takes consistent focus on the right things.

I am so blessed to have people around me who love me enough and feel comfortable enough to tell me when I am straying in the wrong direction. I am also blessed to have lived side by side with someone who lived a life filled with peace. Bruce may be gone, but his legacy is not… His influence is real, and it is huge…

And with the memory of our love in my heart, I know I can do this… I can pick up where I left off and fill my life with “that peace thing” once again.

“There is a peace that comes with acceptance, and a love that is always remembered.” ~ Linda, September 2013

What about you? Do you ever struggle to keep peace in your heart? Have you ever found yourself on that path of self-pity and had to work at letting it go? Is that something you still struggle with? It can be hard to admit, but it is even harder to bear alone. We are part of a club, we never wanted to join. Yet, here we are… Let’s reach out to one another and share our stories. Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Life Doesn’t End Here

“Life doesn’t end here”… It took me years to see this as a promise…

When Bruce died, a huge part of me died with him. In fact, it felt like most of me died that night right there beside him… And there was an even bigger part of me that wished I had. I didn’t think I could go on without him… And I didn’t want to. Everything felt black… I was lost… I can remember just sitting in the middle of the floor in our home and sobbing. That space felt so huge and empty without him.

Like a child wandering in a dark house… lost.
I go from room to room
Searching for you.
You are not here.
I am alone.
I sit in the corner –
Lost… afraid… crying…
Where are you?
Where is the light?
Will I always be here alone and scared?
~ Linda, January 2014

As that first year passed into another, life went on… Life didn’t end there, but it wasn’t a life of hope. It was simply a life of survival… It was about putting one foot in front of the other… Each day looked like the one before it… My kids were all grown with lives of their own. I knew they loved me, but I certainly didn’t think I was needed. I just existed…

And so it was for a very long time…

I remember telling one of my daughters that each day that passed simply represented another day closer to being with Bruce again. I even remember confiding to some of my closest friends that if I got really sick (like cancer), I wouldn’t fight it. My poor family – I was a mess!

I remember people telling me that I “needed to live” … That my life wasn’t over… I kept reading the verse from Matthew 5:4, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.” But I wasn’t comforted. I was struggling… I would pray for God to let me join Bruce, but my sobbing prayers were met with silence. God wasn’t even listening, (or so I thought),… but I thought wrong.

Slowly things began to change.

I began to realize that even though my kids were adults with lives of their own, they actually did still need me. I am the only parent in their lives, and that can be a pretty important space even with adult children. Then, there is my grandson. When he and my daughter moved in with me, it was as if someone turned the lights back on… That huge space was filled once again with love and laughter and fun and chaos and incredible moments… In other words – life… Our home was once again filled with life.

Then, 2018 happened… When I first found the lump, I ignored it. Not because I wanted to die, I just didn’t want to believe it was anything serious. For months, I convinced myself it was nothing… And I said nothing – not a word to anyone. After waiting eight months, I finally saw a doctor who gave me the diagnosis I didn’t want to hear – cancer.

It’s weird… years before I thought that was what I wanted – not cancer, but a way out… A way to Bruce. While that may sound a bit dramatic, I have read enough books on grief to know it is a normal part of grieving. (As if there is anything normal about grief!)

But by 2018, that was no longer what I wanted… Over the past few years, I have learned to love life again. Yes, I still have times of grief, but never to the extent that it had been in the beginning. So, what did I do? I did what most of us would do… I chose to fight… I chose to live!

I came across a quote from Andre Escobar – “Life doesn’t end here.” Just a few short years ago, I thought my life had ended… I was done. But not anymore… Over the years, I did find that comfort I read about in Matthew. I found it in the arms of my friends and family. Now… “life doesn’t end here” became my mantra…

My last treatment was on November 2, and while I haven’t heard the words “cured” or “remission” yet, (it’s too soon), as far as I’m concerned, I have won! My hair is growing back. I am working out. I’m back at the office. I am doing all the things I love to do, and I feel fabulous!

I am living life again… and I am loving it!

I still miss Bruce. I’d be lying to say otherwise. However, my faith tells me I will see him again, and I hang onto that truth. I also know he wouldn’t want me to shut down and stop living. Our short time together taught me that life is too precious for that.

So, as long as I have breath within me, I will keep on loving and living, because…

Life doesn’t end here… 

“So I’m going to do my best in this life so that I’m sure to see her in the next one. I’m going to work hard, tell the truth, and be of some use to the people who care about me. I’m going to try anyway.” – Adriana Trigiani, The Shoemaker’s Wife

What about you? When your loved on died, did it take time to want to live and learn to love life again? Is that something you still struggle with? It can be hard to admit, but it is even harder to bear alone. We are part of a club, we never wanted to join. Yet, here we are… Let’s reach out to one another and share our stories. Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Trying to Build a Better Boat

This year is different.
I can’t explain it.
My heart is still shattered.
The tears are still falling.
But this year,
I just want to remember…
I want to look at photographs
And gaze deep in your eyes.
I want to remember
The laughter
And the gentle moments when you held me
And whispered, “I love you.”
I want to close my eyes
And go back to that first hello…
That first kiss.
This year there seems no need for ceremonies…
Just time alone…
With you…
~ Linda, January 2019

Well, I did it… I survived this week… one of the hardest weeks on the calendar for me. This week held the anniversary of Bruce’s death. Only one moment in time, but a moment that changed my life forever.

The first year, I wasn’t sure what to do. My sister had the foresight to know I shouldn’t be alone, and lovingly came and spent the weekend with me. We didn’t really do anything formal – a trip to the beach and a crab dinner (one of Bruce’s favorites).

The following year, I knew I wanted… no, needed… to do something different… something more. We made Tibetan prayer flags for the garden, as well as baskets filled with flowers, incense and charms to represent special things about Bruce to place in the ocean. I even wrote a letter to Bruce to place in the basket. Two of my daughters were able to come join me, and we headed to the ocean for a special ceremony of sorts. Plus, toasts at all his favorite fishing spots and meals at all his favorite restaurants. And to finish the night – a little Jimmy Buffet to sooth the soul.

This tradition I kept up for several years. Then last year, I decided to change it up just a little… First, the prayer flags were in such good condition, there was no need to make new ones. I also decided I wanted to travel… Traveling was how we met and what we loved to do, so I decided to make that a new part of the tradition. So, off I went to another beach south of here. It was a lovely weekend. I still brought flowers and beer to the beach. I still wrote him a letter. I still ate at places I believed he would have loved, and I still finished the night dancing to Jimmy Buffet.

This year, though, things are very different. Perhaps it’s a result of spending the last year fighting to survive, but as I wrote a couple of weeks ago, I have felt very different in my grief these past few months. I don’t really know how to explain it… I still miss him. However, so much of the time before the cancer diagnosis, I just felt like I was going through the motions of life. Whereas now, I actually feel enthusiastic about living my life.

In fact, have you heard Kenny Chesney’s new song, Better Boat? I love it! In fact, I relate to it so much, it has become my mantra song over the last few months… It just seems to truly describe where I find myself emotionally…

… My how the last few months have changed

I’m smilin’ more despite the pain…
I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain’t working, what’s still hurtin’
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
I ride the waves I can’t control
If it’s working I don’t know
When I get done the thing may not float
But I’m learning how to build a better boat
~ Songwriters: Travis Meadows, Liz Rose

So that’s me lately… Just constantly trying to “build a better boat.” In fact, that’s where I found myself this week… I knew I would be sad, and I knew there would be tears, but I also knew I needed something different… Something more quiet and less formal. I also knew I knew I wanted to be in “our” home this year… No traveling – I’ve spent enough time away from my family and traveling for treatments this last year. So, when I woke up that morning, I still had no idea… I was going to play it by ear… And here’s how it played out…

My journal:
January 2019 – noon
“Hi Babe!
Well, maybe I should be but I’m not so mad today… Sad – yes… Missing you – definitely… Wishing you were here and knowing you would love this time together today – you bet!

I didn’t (couldn’t) go to our beach today. It’s still closed due to the government shutdown. All week I’ve been hoping it would open, but no… Anyway, I drove up to Daytona instead. The beach ramp for cars is closed (high tide), but that’s okay. It’s kinda cold anyway, so I’m sitting inside the pier restaurant (Crabby Joe’s). You used to love this place! I’m at one of the high-tops overlooking the water, which is beautiful today. I can even feel the waves rocking the pier. And if I close my eyes, I would swear I can feel you right beside me… Because that is where you always sat… Never across from me – always beside me with one hand on my leg or holding my hand… I miss that….

You would love this today! I know you would be all about this place and simply spending time together.

It’s weird – maybe good – but this year is so different. In the past, I had (no – needed) a “ceremony” for today… But this year, that didn’t feel right. It was right at the time, but this year, I just wanted to enjoy the day and remember you… remember us.

The memories are flooding in. I can feel the tears in my eyes and a few have fallen, but mostly the memories make me smile. I love remembering… I love giving my “permission” – perhaps selfishly – to simply spend today focusing on you and us…

5 pm
As I sit here, all I can think about is how blessed I have been. Yes – there have been hard times… even some really sucky times… But through it all, I have survived… I have come out on top knowing I have experienced great love… your love…

9 pm
I have thought about you so much today… So many memories… So much love. I’ll never understand why… I’ll never know what life would be like if we could have lived out our dreams together… I just know my heart is still shattered… I love you. I will always love you… And I have been blessed to have known a love like ours…”

I ain’t lonely, but I spend a lot of time alone
More than I’d like to, but I’m okay with staying home
My how the last few months have changed
I’m smilin’ more despite the pain

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain’t working, what’s still hurtin’
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
I ride the waves I can’t control
I’m learning how to build a better boat

I hate waiting, ain’t no patience in these hands
I’m not complaining, sometimes it’s hard to change a man
I think I’m stronger than I was,
I let God do what he does

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain’t working, what’s still hurtin’
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
Around the waves I can’t control
I’m learning how to build a better boat

I breathe in, I breathe out
Got friends to call who let me talk about
What ain’t working, what’s still hurtin’
All the things I feel like cussing out
Now and then I let it go
I ride the waves I can’t control
If it’s working I don’t know
When I get done the thing may not float
But I’m learning how to build a better boat
~ Songwriters: Travis Meadows, Liz Rose

What about you? How do honor your loved one’s memory? Does it change year to year? Or are there certain traditions you incorporate each year? What do you do to remember? Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

New Year’s Eve; Old Year’s Night 2018

All of my New Year’s Eve posts seem to hold this title (change the year)… Or, at least on my saved drive, they do. Which seems only right, since the first time I heard that phrase was the year (and cruise) when I met Bruce. The start of something new and the end of something old… It’s all the same – it just depends on how you look at it.

In the past, this was just a night like any other… Not anything to celebrate… Not anything to even think about. I had too many kids and life was too chaotic to make big deal of something so simple as the calendar changing… But then I met Bruce.

After that, this day came to hold so many expectations… so many dreams… so many promises…

That first year was the year we met… We danced the night away. I remember someone on the cruise making a comment about the two of us, and that was all it took for him to broach the subject. He was so vulnerable and honest when he said, “There’s something here, and I don’t want to lose it.”

Then, the next year, we were on that same cruise and our honeymoon. The new year (and our future) held so many promises. I couldn’t believe what a fantastic turn my life had taken and how absolutely blessed I felt.

The next few years, Bruce and fell into a quiet rhythm. Neither of us were big on parties or staying up late. We were both content to toast the new year early and head to bed to snuggle (and sleep) as the new year rolled in.

The last Old Year’s Night together, we went to our first (in many years) New Year’s Eve party together. Bruce had worked late, and I assumed we weren’t going to go after all. However, he was determined we were going. He wanted the night to be special and it was. In fact, it was a magical night! We danced and laughed into the wee hours of the morning. I have the most wonderful memories of him holding me as we danced, looking into my eyes, smiling and telling me he wished the night could go on forever… Me too! (But instead, twelve days weeks later, I would lose him forever…)

The next few years were a struggle… How could life go on? How was I supposed to celebrate another year (without Bruce)?

There was one year when an old BF from my (much younger) past popped in for the night with a dance and a lie… Attempting to manipulate a woman in grief while actually only proving what Bruce had always told me – Trust isn’t something to be given out lightly.

The following years, though, have not been so tumultuous. For the past few years, I have decided on a mantra for the upcoming year versus any resolutions. Then, I have lived by that mantra until it became a natural part of my life.

Last New Year’s Eve was little different. I found myself surrounded by people I love at a three day family wedding. It was a grand time! But not everyone was feeling it… I remember someone saying to me, “This is going to be a terrible year… I can feel it.” My response? Well, I think it pissed them off at the time, but I said, “Life is what you make of it… How you experience it is up to you.” … Oh Karma!

You see, at this time, I already knew there was a lump in my breast, which left me feeling completely unsure of what lay ahead. I wasn’t sure if I would even see another New Year’s Eve. I wasn’t sure what lay ahead, but more than anything, I knew I didn’t want to just lay down and die. So, for the first time in years, I didn’t adapt a mantra for 2018. Instead, I made the decision to do one new “good-for-me” thing each month. January was “get more rest.” February – meditate; March – eat right… and my final “good-for-me” thing was in April, which was “fight like a girl!” …

And I did…

Which brought me straight into the holidays and leads me to today… So, what do I do now? How do I want to approach 2019? Resolutions? Mantra? Nothing at all?

Well, here it is (or isn’t) …

Bruce was a big proponent of “live life as it happens” … “Flow with the current and don’t try to move the rocks in your path” … I’ve written about that a lot! I’ve constantly tried to make that my mantra too, but without a lot of success… until now.

Since all the treatments ended and life has settled back into its “normal” groove, I have actually found myself doing just that without even working at it. Maybe it is the experience of coming so close to death without actually crossing that threshold, but my perspective on life and what really matters is so different now.

Maybe that was where Bruce was coming from too… After all, I have said many times that I believe he knew his time was coming up short. Perhaps that was where he got his own ability to live life as it came… And in his knowledge of the short time he had left, he wanted to pass that wisdom on to the rest of us.

For years I tried, but I couldn’t quite figure it out. Now, however, I get it.

After this year, I have a whole new perspective on what matters… Now, this isn’t something I have to work at… It just feels natural, because I get it…

And that is what I want to hold onto… That is what I want to bring into the new year… The understanding that life is what it is… I can go with it or fight it… But learning to “go with it” feels a whole lot better…

Thank you, Babe, for leaving a legacy I have learned grasp… Once again, I am reminded how blessed I am to have shared a life with you!

What about you? How do you prepare for the New Year? Do you find yourself setting resolutions or committing to mantras? How do you end an Old Night or begin a New Year when grief and loss are a part of your world? Would you like to share your thoughts or ideas on how to face the New Year? If you are on the healing side of grief, what have you done to move forward?

Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.* Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Merry Christmas

“The word which God has written on the brow of every man is Hope.” – Victor Hugo

I think that has been the piece of Christmas I have “re-discovered” this year… the feeling of hope. Each year… Each Christmas, I seem to adjust a little bit more. The first year I ran away to the Keys and ignored Christmas completely. The next year, I found myself singing along with the carols on the radio (still the only singing this former music teacher does since Bruce’s death). Then each year following, I have celebrated a little bit more year by year. But even last year, I wrote about smiling on the outside and trying to enjoy all that is “Christmas,” while crying on the inside for all I am missing.

I couldn’t seem to figure out how to move forward any further…

But this year… Well, this year I have loved the Christmas season. I have felt it from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I have decorated, shopped with abandon, watched parades, played (and sang) Christmas music relentlessly, and gone for nightly drives to look at Christmas lights. I have smiled on the outside and on the inside. In other words, this year I have truly felt like celebrating… something I haven’t wanted or felt like doing for years.

In fact, last week, my daughter told me she had noticed. And not only had she noticed, but the change in my attitude had also meant the best of seasons for her and my grandson, as well. So, what made the difference this year?

Well, I believe it is hope. For the first time in years, I feel like there is hope… real, genuine hope in my life.

When Bruce died, I felt lost… abandoned… completely hopeless. I didn’t really care what the next day held, because no matter what a day might hold, it would be without Bruce. As time passed, I learned to appreciate life – at least, the brevity of life. I get frustrated with people who can’t understand how absolutely precious our time together is. We are never promised the next breath, and yet most of us take it completely for granted, even in the relationships of those who love us the most.

But that realization isn’t enough, or at least it wasn’t for me. That realization just made me miss Bruce even more. So why the change this year? Why now?

Well, maybe I’m wrong, but I believe it was my journey to survive this year. I think it was my realization this year that life is meant to be lived and appreciated – each moment of each day. There are things that bother us, but in all honesty, they don’t upset me or hurt my feelings the same way they used to… It’s just not worth it. Things happen… people say and do what they do and sometimes it is hurtful. We all do, (and usually don’t even realize it).

But here’s the thing – I am the only one responsible for how I choose to spend each moment… no one else. So, I can either make it a moment worth remembering or make it one I’d rather forget.

I guess, after fighting so hard to even be here, I’d rather have lots of moments worth remembering.

So, if you are reading this, and you are new to loss, or still trying to figure out how to move forward without your loved one, please know that you are in my prayers. And my prayer for you is that you can find that hope again… The hope that life is worth our time and our curiosity. The hope that each day will hold something so precious in store that we wouldn’t want to miss it.

So, on this Eve of Christmas eve, I pray that you will have a Christmas season filled with joy and laughter… and especially hope. Because those are the things that make life all it is meant to be.

“…each day of the journey is precious, yours and mine – we must strive to make it a masterpiece. Each day, once gone, is gone forever.” – John Wooden

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How does this season effect you? Are you able to celebrate? Or are you still struggling just to hang on and get to the other side of this season? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Through His Eyes

“After nineteen years of marriage, it was hard for me to separate my point of view from Mark’s. Whenever I met people, I met them not only through my eyes but through Mark’s as well. If I went to a new restaurant, I didn’t sample the food through my own taste but also through Mark’s. Marriage does that. We no longer factor in just our own likes and dislikes, observations, or perceptions in any situation without filtering those things through the eyes and heart of our spouse as well.” ~ Donna VanLiere, The Christmas Hope

This is the time of year when all our senses are on overload. Don’t believe me? Just look at the children around you as they struggle to focus on any one thing – they can’t! There is too much going on… And most of us indulge in all of it! There are exhibits of lights and decorations, movies, shows, ballets, music, food, parties, people, food (I’ll say that one again because I like that one! Lol!) and the list goes on and on.

Most days I love it all. However, there are some days when even I need to take a step back and breathe a little bit in whatever quiet spaces I can find.
But I haven’t always felt this way… The first few years after Bruce died, I was so lonely and caught up in my own grief, I lost my ability to enjoy anything about this time of year. However, these days things are different. I am truly blessed to have one of my daughters and my grandson living here… She is always finding some new adventure or exhibit for us to explore. (Which I must say is much better than sitting alone inside my house hiding while the rest of the world celebrates.)

In fact, while this will be our third Christmas together, this year feels different… This year, I am absolutely loving it! Perhaps it is partly a selfish celebration on my part, but after spending nine months fighting to stay alive, I am ecstatic to simply be here. (Which makes me love all of this seasonal craziness that much more!) Even crazier – for the first time in years, I think I have smiled non-stop since Thanksgiving.

This is a little bit weird, because for the past few years I have struggled through this season. In the past, I battled the tears and grief of what was, while trying to smile for my friends and family around me. Of course, they didn’t buy it… my grief created a sadness that seemed to permeate our holiday no matter how hard I tried to fight it.

But not this year… This year I am so happy to (still) be here. This year it is a real celebration. Does that mean I have forgotten Bruce? Or that I no longer grieve or miss him?

No… Of course not.

Things have just taken a different turn… This year with each new adventure, I find myself looking at it through my own “ain’t-it-grand-to-be-alive” eyes. At the same time, I also keep finding myself saying, “Bruce would love this” or laughing with “Bruce would hate this” OR “If Bruce were here, he would tell us to go do ‘whatever’ while he sat right here, had a beer and watched the world go by.”

It’s funny but it’s true… When you love someone, you share a special bond or connection. You really do see the world from both perspectives. And the crazy thing is that connection doesn’t stop just because they are gone. I think I will always see the world through both sets of eyes. That doesn’t mean I can only like what he would have liked or dislike what he wouldn’t have liked. (I have seen some people go to that extreme, but I don’t think that is very healthy… I need to be me.)

No, it just means I knew him – deeply. I can smile and laugh about what he would enjoy, what he would have tolerated (for my sake) and when he would have said, “Naw… I’m good… Y’all go on without me.”

In other words, in all its craziness, I have found a way to include and share this year’s celebration with Bruce. He may not be physically by my side, but he is in my heart… And with him there, I am learning to love this holiday once again.

This is a season of hope and joy… And this year, I feel all of that… And today, my prayer is that we might all find that in our own special way.

“There is peace even in the storm.” ~ Vincent Van Gogh

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How does this season effect you? Are you able to celebrate? Or are you still struggling just to hang on and get to the other side of this season? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Wishes

Christmas wishes… This is the time of year when wishes are made… and many come true. Children write letters to Santa, and adults make their wishes in other ways. However, for some of us, our wishes can never come true… What we want can never happen… And that is hard… It is hard to know that the one thing I want… The one thing I would give my life for… is the one thing I can never have.

What is that? … It is my constant “prayer” to Bruce… Each day it is different, but it is always there…

I wish you were still here… I wish I could still feel you near me… I would give anything to feel your arms around me… I wish I could hug you right now… I wish I could hear your voice again… I would give anything to have one more conversation… I would give anything to lay with you one more time… I want to feel your soft touch… To look into your eyes as I lay in your arms… Just one more sunrise… Just one more sunset… Just one more time… Just 5 more minutes…

All these things… This is what I wish for… everyday. But, this is what I can never have…

I am learning to move one. One day at a time, I am learning to move forward and live life again… But I still miss him… I think I will always miss him. He understood me… He knew everything about me – the good and the bad – and yet, he loved me anyway. He knew my deepest secrets, and he held me when the nightmares took my breath away. He protected me and our family. He believed in us… and in me… And he taught me to believe in myself.

Remember in the Christmas movie, A Christmas Story, how Ralphie was totally obsessed with wanting a Red Rider BB Gun? No matter what anyone said, his obsession remained… No one could deter him or make him change his mind. Well, I guess, I am the same… I know I can’t have what I want, but I still want it. Life goes one, but in my heart, I still want what I want.

There are days when I feel guilty for wishing he was still here rather than being thrilled with life as it is… (Yeah, okay, there was a little sarcasm with the “thrilled” part.) But seriously… for the most part, I do live life and love it. I do!
I am thrilled to still be alive.

This year was rough… I know it was a close call. To have survived a bout with cancer and still feel like I can live life to the fullest is amazing. I know the fact that I am still be here is a blessing that I do not deserve but am so thankful for.

Yet, my wishes are my wishes…

This week I have been blessed again… I was reminded that even Jesus had wishes. Granted, his were way more serious. He was being required to suffer so much… So much more than I could ever imagine. In the garden before his death, he prayed that “this cup be taken from him.” He knew the suffering ahead, and he wished it could be otherwise.

Maybe it is silly, but I have found great comfort this week in knowing that my Lord wished for his suffering to take a different path… And so, do I. It is comforting to know I am not alone in wishing for the suffering to just… not… be…

To know that God knows my pain… He understands my wishes… He doesn’t judge me… is comforting. In fact, to know that he understands me is beyond everything else. And while nothing will change my reality, there is great comfort in knowing that God understands all of that… Which means, I am not alone.

I won’t get my wish this Christmas… or any other Christmas, but I’m not alone.

And that means more to me than I can ever express.

This is a season of hope and joy… I feel all of that this year… And I pray that we might all find that in our own way.

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How does this season effect you? Do you also have wishes that you know can never come true? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Smiling on the Journey

“Learn to enjoy life while you’re going through the transformation process. Many of us look like we’re walking a tightrope rather than a pathway of peace. Instead, enjoy where you’re going.” – Unknown

I remember when this whole journey began… I really struggled with trying to understand why I was still here, and Bruce wasn’t. I loved him so much. How was I supposed to go on without him? What was the purpose? Did I even have a reason to still be here? Honestly, while I didn’t want to be here, I knew there had to be a reason, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what it was. It was taking everything I had just to survive that first year… how could God expect anything more of me?

“As long as God chooses to leave you on this earth, don’t just exist – live!” – Unknown

There were also days when I was so hurt, I couldn’t even trust God. After all, why hadn’t he stopped this from happening? Why did he let me experience such a wonderful love, only to snatch it away so quickly? It took me years to realize that wasn’t the case at all.

Pain and death are not a part of his perfect plan, but they are a reality in an imperfect world… In fact, God hurt, because I hurt… All those nights when I thought I was absolutely alone and abandoned, he was right beside me… I was just too hurt to feel him.

“Don’t be afraid… you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression… the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God.” – Isaiah 43:1-3

There have also been days when all I could see was how much further I still have to go on this journey. I have always firmly believed that Bruce and I will be together again in eternity… I know without a doubt he is waiting for me, and one day we will be able to explore the wonders of heaven together. However, the women in my family live a long time… With that in mind, I knew I was only halfway through this life when he left it… How in the world could I do another 50+ years without Bruce?

While there are still moments when I can get caught up on how much of life still lays between us, I have gotten better at refocusing my thoughts on the blessings all around me. It started slowly with my journal. Each day, I made myself list at least five things I was thankful for… Some days that list was as simple as “I got out of bed” and on other days, the list went on and on. In fact, when I made my list today, it filled 2.5 pages… Life isn’t what I thought it would be, but it is still filled with more blessings than I can count.

“Instead of getting discouraged about how far you still have to go,
learn to celebrate your progress along the way.” – Unknown

It’s odd, I suppose, but with Bruce, I never questioned my purpose here. Just loving each other and our families seemed to be purpose enough. I don’t know why, but since he died there have been times when I pondered what my purpose is now? What am I supposed to do?

“No matter how wonderful the journey is, what’s the point if there’s no destination?” – Unknown

I have always felt my purpose is about love, but for some reason, I have felt a need to reach out past my own family. I know there are many people out there who are on this journey and hurting too, which is why started writing this blog. However, sometimes I find myself wondering if I have anything left to say here… Yet, I know that if even one person is touched or given any hope because of these words of love, then perhaps, just perhaps, it is worthwhile.

So, it may not seem like much, but this is my way of loving so many others who feel alone too. So, while I would never say losing Bruce was a good thing, perhaps I have found my own way of making something good out of something painful.

“We may impress people with our strengths,
but we often connect with them best through our struggles.” – Unknown

I guess, what I’m trying to say today is, “Don’t give up…” There really is more to life. I started on this journey thinking I couldn’t do this… I was overwhelmed with pain, and felt I had nowhere to turn for comfort. However, through the years I have learned to smile again… I have learned to laugh and enjoy the blessings this life has to offer. Does this mean I get it right every day? Of course not, I believe I will always have those days when my grief takes a strong hold on my heart. But for the most part, I know I am still here for a reason, and that reason must be something pretty amazing because…

“God’s will isn’t simply for you to survive, but to thrive.” – Unknown

As I tell my grandson, each day is a new start… Like a fresh piece of paper, each day offers us a new chance to write our story and make it whatever we want it to be…

“This is a wonderful day. I’ve never seen this one before.” – Maya Angelou

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? What has your journey been like? Have you always been able to keep moving forward or do you have days when you struggle with your purpose or focusing on your grief? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Remembering to Be Grateful

“Gratitude isn’t a natural response to adversity;
It’s a discipline you develop.”
~ Unknown

This time of year can be hard… First, this is the time of year focused on family. And while I have a wonderful family, for me there is someone missing… Bruce. It breaks my heart all over again every time I think about it. Then to add the part about be grateful, and the struggle gets a little harder.

It’s not that I’m not grateful, but missing Bruce during the holidays makes it that much harder to remember to be grateful. I actually have to make myself think about the things I have been blessed with rather than the one person I am missing. That may sound ridiculous, but it is a lot harder than one might think.

That first year, I was still too angry to be thankful for anything, (and I told God so). As the years have passed, my attitude has changed. For me the biggest change happened, when I stopped trying to understand why Bruce died, and started trusting that the God who created me, also loves me. (That was a lot harder than it sounds.)

I came to understand that this journey was not a punishment or a test. This death thing was not anything God wanted either. In fact, I have come to believe that when I hurt, he hurts. It took a while (a long while), but I gradually learned to trust in the “unchanging and loving character” of a God who loves me unconditionally, versus the “Gotcha God” that is so often preached.

It is a little hard to believe it is already Thanksgiving week again. I feel like I blinked and went from April to now. (I guess I was a little hyper-focused on getting well.) But now it is a time to be grateful, and I am… I really am. I am alive. My treatments are over. The cancer (as far as I know) is gone. It has been quite a journey, and I am so glad it is over.

But that’s only the tip of the iceberg. I am still here… I get to still watch my grandson grow up. I get to spend time with my family, especially my kids and my sister. I get to watch the sunrise. I get to laugh and play and enjoy life.

What a gift! A gift I didn’t appreciate a few years ago. A gift I wasn’t sure I would have a few months ago. A gift not given to everyone who travels this path.

If there is one thing I learned when Bruce died, it was how short and unpredictable life is. And on this cancer journey, I learned that the things I thought were important before, really aren’t. In the past, I wasted a lot of time worrying or being upset about things that don’t matter now or aren’t even remembered anymore.

I have learned that life, love, and living each moment in a state of gratitude… that is important.

I have to say – this year has been a beast. Yet through it all, I know I have been blessed, and I am truly grateful.

“Gratitude is an attitude you choose,
Not a reaction to your circumstances.”
~ Unknown

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle family holidays? Have you always been able to be grateful or have you struggled with being grateful? You are not alone… We are all here together. Or maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Happy Anniversary

I felt you today.
I felt the warmth of your smile,
And it made me laugh.
Thank you!
~ Linda, January 2018

This week Bruce and I would have celebrated our 13th anniversary. This is always such a bitter sweet day for me… So blessed to have loved Bruce, and so grieved at his loss. Maybe it sounds a little crazy but those are my feelings, and they can be a bit hard to reconcile.

This was my sixth year celebrating our love without him, and I thought I would spend it like I usually do – sunrise at the beach, some writing time, lunch at his favorite seafood place, some time to reminisce and dinner at “our” restaurant. However, life had different plans. I did get to start my day watching the sunrise are our favorite beach (also where his ashes were scattered). I was also able to end the day at “our” restaurant… The one he found and surprised me with so many years ago. But, all the time in between, seemed to get filled up with other things this year. Mainly, household chores which had been put off while I was undergoing treatment and a leaky hot water heater. (Thankfully, the water heater waited to die until I got back home, so there is no damage.)

As I was watching the sunrise, I did manage to get a little bit of writing done, so that is what I plan to share today. My letter to Bruce, which he will never read… And yet, I believe, he heard every single word as I sat there and wrote it.

“Happy Anniversary, Babe! Wow! Today would be 13 years… It seems like just yesterday. I can still see your face – your eyes looking straight into mine as you held my hands in yours and promised to love me… always. Nothing has changed that… Even as I sit here watching the waves, I know somewhere out there you still love me… And I hang onto that. (Maybe more than I should, but then again, who’s to say – I know what I know, and I feel what I feel.)

The sunrise this morning was beautiful. I was like a show just for me (us)… There were clouds covering the eastern sky, so I really thought I wouldn’t see it. But, at just the exact moment, a hole broke in the bottom of the cloud bank… just enough (and in the precise spot) so I could see the sun rise after all. There is a part of me that believes you did that for me. So, thank you!

I think I needed that… I need to know you’re still here. I haven’t felt you as much lately… There aren’t as many signs, which has made this year that much harder. In fact, doing this whole cancer thing without you has been hard. Everyone keeps telling me how great I’m doing and how strong and tough I am. But I don’t feel strong and tough. And as for the “great” part – it is as much “fake it till you make it” as anything else.

It’s actually more like when you died… I don’t feel strong at all. In fact, I’ve been really scared. But I did what I had to do because there wasn’t another (rational) choice. Just like when Matthew died or when I went through my divorce, loss has never been a “Oh, I am ready for this – bring it on” kind of thing – like the heroine of a story. (I wish it were that simple.) NO! It is more of a “Oh crap – What do I do now?”

Then, I take one step at a time – and only focus on the step I need to take in that moment. Anything else – focusing behind me or too far in front – becomes overwhelming.

And through all of these losses, (even before I knew you), I believe I missed you. Before I knew you, I missed being loved – truly loved and how that love can see you through the rough times. Then once I knew your love and lost it, I missed it even more, because I knew what I was missing.

Today is a day to remember that love… To remember a time when both of us were so sure of our love that we were willing to do whatever it took to be together. We were so sure of our future together… We had no idea how short our time together would be… But it was… We blinked, and it was over.

So, here I am, celebrating #13 alone… my sixth time celebrating “us” alone. It’s comforting know you are somewhere out there waiting for me…
I miss you! I love you so much! Thank you, Babe, for loving me… Thank you for marrying me… And thank you for waiting for me… I am yours – always and forever!”

I have learned to laugh again.
I have learned to find joy in the quiet moments spent with those I love.
But it still hurts.
I think it will probably always hurt…
Simply because you aren’t here.
~ Linda, January 2018

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle anniversaries of special times together? How did you handle those bittersweet days when your feelings don’t seem to be able to reconcile with each other? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.