grieve – Page 8 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief… Excited About Life

One of this week’s journal prompts asked the question, “When was the last time you were excited about life? (Beside yourself in anticipation)” When I first read the prompt, I interpreted “excited about life” as being equal to happiness. This seemed pretty simple – pretty easy. In fact, just last weekend, I celebrated Mother’s Day (early) with a few of my kids by spending the day at Universal. We always have such a blast together, and it was so much fun! (The only way it could have been better is if we all could have been there.) I was so happy…

But… is that the same as “excited about life”? I don’t think so… I remember a time when I was truly excited about life… There was a time when I couldn’t wait to see what the next moment held – when thoughts of tomorrow were filled with hope and wonder. I remember when I couldn’t wait to wake up in the morning, or when the promise of a day off was the best thing ever!

I remember all of that… The thing is I haven’t felt any of that since Bruce died. Shoot! It took me years just to learn how to let go and feel any kind of happiness again.

I could almost guarantee you that my family and friends were getting concerned that would never happen. However, thanks to them, it did… And more thanks to them, those happy times have become more and more frequent over time.

But “excited about life”?? … I’m not so sure about that.

When Bruce and I first met, I couldn’t wait for the next email, or text, or (even better) phone call. It made life exciting. My heart was over-flowing in anticipation. Then, there were our visits… We took turns flying back and forth every other week between MI and SC. I lived for those weekends together… He and I kept a running count-down between visits of how long until our next visit.

After we were married, that anticipation didn’t stop – although, the circumstances changed. Suddenly, there was no more counting the days… I only needed to count the hours. If Bruce got home from work first, he would always greet me at the door with a glass of my favorite wine. If I beat Bruce home from work, I would run/skip to the door, because I was so excited to see him. Then, that poor man had to drop everything, because I was coming in fast for a “welcome home” hug.

Also, because of working different shifts through the years, there were many times when we only had one day off together each week… Talk about a count-down. As soon as one day together ended, we were intent on planning the next one. We both lived for those days.

But then, Bruce died… And all of that ended…

After that, one day looked pretty much like the next… and the one after that – wake up, work out, go to work, come home, eat dinner, and go to bed… day after day. Weekends were a little different. Instead of going to work, I worked on stuff here at home… But in reality, pretty much the same.

I’ve written about it before… The hope was gone… The anticipation or excitement of life was completely and totally gone. In fact, at the beginning, I couldn’t even find the ability to be happy – anything more was an impossibility.

Things change, though… I know this. I did finally learn how to let myself be happy again, and I love those moments in my life. But, I had to work to get there. It wasn’t just a matter of time. I had to give myself permission to be happy. Then, I had to choose to be happy. That may sound silly , if you have never been there, but it was hard, intentional work! Between the grief, guilt, and sadness, finding happiness and allowing myself to feel it – I mean, really feel it – took time and great effort.

So… since I know happiness is possible, I have to assume that being excited about life, maybe even being beside myself in anticipation, must also be possible. All I have to do is believe… and work for it.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘BE’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love, and Grief… When Things Get Tough

What a year! It is only May, and… WOW! 2023 has been rough… really rough… almost as hard as 2013, (the year Bruce died), but not quite.

I have lost so much this year. I have lost family, and I have lost friends… And my heart is ripped to shreds. I am almost to the point of never wanting to answer my phone or venture out into the world again, (but I am hanging in there for now).

I know this is just the way life is… In fact, I can’t tell you how many times I used to tell my kids, “life isn’t fair”, because it isn’t – not always. Sometimes, life is wonderful – full of promise and blessings. Other times, it is not… Sometimes it feels desperate and hard – like there is no way out… no light at the end of the tunnel. Yet, I know, somehow it all works out in the end… I just need to hang onto that.

While speaking to my counselor this week, I told her about the grief and depression, and how overwhelmed I feel lately. It has gotten so all-encompassing, I can’t seem to hold my focus on anything… Shoot, even in our short 30-minute session, I lost my train of thought three times (that I can recall), and she had to prompt me on what I was talking about. She was so kind and patient. Like a good counselor, though, she never tells me what to do or think… She simply states the facts back to me, asks great questions, and gives suggestions on how I might work through some of this.

I think this week’s struggles have had a lot to do with some not-so-good news I received last week. Nothing devastating or urgent. However, I definitely have some major decisions to make in the next few weeks and none of the options feel great. So, for now, I am in limbo, waiting… and praying that some small piece of wisdom enters my mind and puts my soul at peace with a decision.

Of course, through it all, you know what I have wished for, right? Yep… Bruce!

I wish he were here… I would give anything to feel his arms around me, telling me that whatever I decide, it will be okay… or to have his input… To hear him not tell me what to do, but to ask me the questions that allow me to walk through each possibility to determine which choice is right for me. He was always so good at that… Helping me look past what other people want or expect, and instead, focus on what I need with a clear understanding of how that choice may or may not affect others. Ultimately, though, making the choice that works best for me… God, how I miss that!

For now, I think “acceptance” is what I need to work on…

“Acceptance. That’s where many struggle. As long as they keep saying, ‘Life isn’t supposed to work like this,’ they’re stuck in their confusion and pain. Once they can say, ‘This is the way life is,’ they no longer need to answer the question.” ~ Cecil Murphy, My Parents, My Children

… To not worry and stress about what to do as much as remembering not to give up hope… To sit in the quiet and let go of all the worries that keep tumbling around in my head… And to know that the answers will come in their own time.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘BE’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… My Love, My hero, My Healer

I missed last week. I was down in the Keys enjoying some time with a few of my kids. I apologize for no forewarning, but in today’s world, I believe it is a really bad idea to announce an empty house due to leaving town. I hope you understand.

This week, though, I would like to brag a little bit about the man I love, the man I call Bruce. I know… I brag about him a lot. I think that may be one of the pieces of the grief process. The longer they are gone, the more perfect they become… We forget the bad (although there wasn’t much of that) and seem to only remember the good (there was a lot of that). Who knows – maybe that is why we call them angels and saints?

Earlier this week, as I was scrolling through Face Book and watching the video shorts that pop up, there was one that caught my attention. It was a man by himself, talking to the camera with the premise that his audience was other cis men. So, of course, I watched it… Don’t ask me why. I don’t know, but I’m glad I did.

In the video, he was giving advice on love and listening. In it, he stated how important it is to listen to your partner, especially when she is upset and hurting. He talked about just holding her and letting her say all the things while she cries… big, ugly crying. (You know what I mean.) His advice wasn’t to try and fix anything. It was to simply listen and to love her through it. He talked about the importance of letting her just get it all out in a safe space – no fixing, no judging, no patronizing, no interrupting, no saying it would all be fine in the end – just listening and holding her and loving her. That was it!

… And I cried because that is exactly what Bruce did for me.

We both came into the relationship with baggage from our first marriages. He had a lot of hurt, and we talked about that many times. However, he had worked through a lot of his hurt, and he would talk about what he had learned the first time around. Plus, he and his ex were actually quite amicable with each other. (It was wonderful to see that is actually possible.) My first marriage, though, had been abusive, and I was still struggling with PTSD from the trauma in that relationship.

Bruce never failed me, though… Whenever something would happen that triggered a PTSD episode, he was there – holding me, listening to me, letting me do that big, ugly, crying thing.

I remember one time; my ex had just sent an email to me. There wasn’t much to it really – a few ugly sentences that didn’t make a lot of sense. But the trigger for me was mine and Bruce’s home address in the subject line. My ex, this man who had terrorized me and my kids for years, was tracking me… and he knew where I was… I was terrified.

Now, I know this probably sounds silly, but PTSD doesn’t exactly bring out the rational side of a person. I literally burst into hysterics and ran to hide in the bedroom. (Because that makes sense, right?) Anyway, I have no idea what Bruce must have thought at the time. I do know that he took a peek at the computer, and not only read the email, he also responded to it.

Then, he came into our bedroom where he found me hiding – crouched between the bed and the dresser. But he didn’t try to coax or pull me out… No… This wonderful man got down on the floor with me, and just held me and listened as I cried (okay – bawled) and tried to explain why I was so scared. Yep… I was a big, ugly, hysterical mess… And he simply sat there with me – listening to all of it without ever making me feel silly or ridiculous.

There were so may instances like this in the first few years of our marriage. However, as time went on, and he consistently let me work through all that crap while he held me tight, something magical happened. I started to heal. I got stronger. The PTSD reared its head less and less.

And what did I learn? Just as the guy in the video said, love (unconditional love) really can heal all kinds of wounds.

That’s my story… That’s what I have been thinking about this week: 1 – How much I miss his strong arms and the safety I found there, and 2 – How his love for me is the reason I am still here today.

Thanks, Babe! I love you – always and forever!
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Like the Tides

The day is almost done,
And once again,
My heart is breaking.
The clock chimes –
Each stroke – a reminder of every year that has passed.
Each birthday celebrated with an empty chair,
And no one to blow out the candles.
The tears slide down my face,
And yet, I smile as I remember you…
Your laugh,
Your grin,
Your sense of humor,
But mostly,
Your love.
Happy birthday to the man
Who was my hero and my heart.
You are not forgotten…
You are missed… and still loved.
~ Linda, 2023

Happy birthday, Babe! I can’t believe another birthday has come and gone without you here… I miss you so much!

As I sit here on the beach thinking of you, it has occurred to me how the seasons of our lives come and go – like the ebb and flow of the tides… (No wonder so many poets and songwriters use that phrase.) There is no effort extended – life just happens – the good… the bad… and the in-between.

This year has already included all of that (and we are only in April!). There has been new life to celebrate and deaths to mourn. There have been times filled with love and laughter, and other times of tears and rejection… and all the stuff in the middle. You know… the normal everyday stuff that we tend to forget even though it probably fills up most of our days.

I miss sharing all of that with you… I miss laughing with you and crying with you… But mostly I miss all the in-between, normal, doing nothing with you.

Today I keep thinking about all those birthdays we spent with your folks. What a fun time! I miss that! We didn’t do a lot – the beach during the day and chilling with your folks at night… And yet, it was some of the best “doing-nothing” times that I can remember.

Then, we moved here, where the beach is practically in our backyard. (Well, not quite – but close enough!) Once we were settled, “doing-nothing” at the beach became our Sunday routine… God, how I miss that!

“Becoming still, I reflect on life-giving space to thoughts, memories, feelings, and ideas of where I have been and where I want to go.”

~ Daily Word, December 21, 2022

The thing is, I am still trying to figure out the “where I want to go” part. I am trying though, more than I ever have… I am “getting out and doing” as much as I am “staying put and not doing”. Honestly, though, I’m not too worried about any of it. After all this… if there is one thing I know, it is the fact that life has a way of placing us exactly where we need to be when we need to be there…. I just have to remain open to it… and all the possibilities.

This year has already held a lot of losses for me. I grieve what I have lost, which turns around and makes me grieve for you, too. What I wouldn’t give to feel your arms around me, reminding me that I am loved and it will all be okay.

I know, the more I sit here and write today, the more I start to feel sorry for myself, but I shouldn’t! I have been and continue to be so incredibly blessed… I have great friends. I have a wonderful family (both yours and mine) who love me, and rally around me when I need it… And you… I had you, Babe, and all the wonder and magic you brought into my life. Even now, I relish the precious memories day in and day out.

Thank you for that… and for still being my strength in one of the hardest years since you died.
I love you, Babe – now and forever!

I have been a long time on my own now.
I still hate it.
I miss your touch –
The gentle caresses that said, “I love you.”

I miss your smile and laughter –
The look in your eye that reminded me
Not to take life so seriously.

I miss your arms –
The way you held me close and
Made my fears and insecurities melt away.

I miss your friendship –
The unconditional love and acceptance you always put forward,
Which encouraged me to just be me.

In other words…
I miss you, Babe,
And I think I always will.
~ Linda, 2023

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘BE’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love, and Grief… Self-care

Since you died,
Life often feels like a board game,
With no rules or directions.
I am just a playing piece…
A token
And I have no idea where to move,
Or what the goal is anymore.
Someone roles the dice
And I move through the days,
But it just isn’t fun anymore.
~ Linda, 2023

I missed last week… I apologize for not saying anything beforehand. However, as life happens, I didn’t know how last weekend would turn out. You see, I have been traveling a lot this year, and as we all know, life has a way of catching up with us. By Sunday, I was absolutely exhausted, and simply needed a little self-care…

Self-care… there’s a word, I believe more of us need to be told about (or reminded of) from the beginning of this journey. Self-care is defined as “anything you do to take of yourself so you can stay physically, mentally, and emotionally well.” * In fact, “research suggests self-care promotes positive health outcomes, such as fostering resilience, living longer, and becoming better equipped to manage stress.” *

Now, I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t raised to think about or do self-care. In fact, the subliminal message was that self-care was selfish and indulgent. Like many other women, my role, as a wife and mother, was to take care of everyone else’s needs first. With a large family, my days started before the sun came up and ended sometime around midnight (give or take an hour or so). Everyday there was laundry to do, carpools to run, meals to fix, a house to clean, pets to tend to, and a family to care for. Then, when I started working as a teacher, lesson plans, grades, and work time were all added in, as well.

I know… nothing that the rest of the world isn’t doing, also… And honestly, I wasn’t complaining because I didn’t know any different. It was what my mother had done and her mother before her… But good grief, how unhealthy!

It wasn’t until I met Bruce that I learned what self-care was – only he called it “balance”. Whatever you call it, it was heavenly! He believed in everyone pulling their own weight at home… Suddenly, it didn’t all fall on my shoulders. That meant we worked as a family, so that we could play and relax as a family. He also was a stickler for an early bedtime. Admittedly, this took me a while to adjust to, but once I did, I have never gone back to those crazy hours from before. Like me, he was also a health nut, so eating healthy foods and working out was simply a way of life…

And all of that was… (you guessed it) … self-care!

Self-care became woven into the rhythm of our life, and I was thriving… Then, Bruce died… And suddenly, I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care if I was dead or alive… Life just seemed empty and hollow. All of that self-care seemed to be one of the first things I lost on this journey.

I stopped sleeping… I barely ate… and in no time, I was gaunt, depressed, isolating, and (extremely) unhealthy. I remember a few people telling me to take care of myself. I think I smiled and nodded in response, but I was so far down the rabbit hole, I wasn’t even sure what they meant anymore.

One of the few things I continued to do, though, was run. I love to run… It clears my head, gets my blood pumping, and reminds me I am alive… So I ran… a lot. (I still do, actually.)

My biggest challenge, though, was (and still is) sleep. Here, I had a multifaceted problem…

1. I had to learn how to sleep alone. Bruce and I had spent our years together sleeping in each other’s arms. Now, suddenly, there were no arms… no warm body to cuddle up to.
2. For the 1st few years, I would wake up several times a week at the exact time Bruce had died. (I know that is probably a trauma response, and now it only happens occasionally.)

Thankfully, through the years, I have kept the consistent bedtime, and tried all kinds of other things to help me sleep. However, this particular area is still a work in progress for me.

Another huge challenge for me was food… eating to be more specific. I just wasn’t hungry… Nothing had any taste. (I’m pretty sure, this too was a shock response.) I remember my mother telling me to just eat a baked potato or a PBJ… Anything to get some food in my belly, I suppose. Yet for me, food was always a social event, and now, it was a solo event. I just didn’t think or even care about eating – that is until my daughter and grandson moved in. Just like that, having others in the house who needed to eat changed my own habits. Once again, eating became a family event, and healthy food found its way back into my world.

Of course, that wasn’t all of it. I had a lot of trauma and depression to work through. In fact, these are things I am still working on (and making steady progress, I might add). Besides counseling, I have also added meditation, gardening, writing, painting, yoga, and numerous other activities to my days throughout the years. Each of these has contributed to building up my mental and spiritual health, as well.

And… this year, I have pushed myself out the door… no more isolating or hiding in my house. I have found a church, a women’s group, and some local classes, as well as traveling… Which brings us full circle to the reason for my absence last week. I had just returned home and desperately needed a day to do absolutely nothing… Just a day of self-care.

So… if you (like me) are struggling with remembering (or knowing) how to take care of yourself in your grief, please… please… keep trying or give it a try. Don’t quit on yourself. You are worth it, I promise!

Start with baby steps… find one area where you can make a positive change… maybe it’s eating or sleeping… maybe it’s learning to laugh again… maybe it’s learning to get back out into the world and being social… Or maybe you have been keeping extra busy to avoid the emotions of grief… maybe some of us need to slow down… Give yourself permission to rest… or to simply feel what you feel.

Each of us is different, so I can’t say what you need, but you know… just as I knew. That’s why this is a journey…

So then, my prayer for all of us this week is that we might reflect on our lives, embrace who we are, and envision what we desire in our lives… Then, take the steps (as slowly as we need) to get there.

Note: If you have found things that have helped you with your self-care, let’s share them with each other this week. What a wonderful way to support each other on this path!

* everydayhealth.com
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… The Guardians

“People who extend compassion to us act as guardians of our soul… Though our journeys may leave us broken and burdened, we remain thoroughly beloved.” ~ Frank Rogers Jr., Compassion in Practice

Last week, I wrote about the heroes in my life… Those people who have held me up and supported me along this journey – some without ever knowing it and often in the most simple ways. Then, this week in my meditations, I came across the quote above.

YES! That is exactly what I was trying to say… These heroes have been the guardians of my soul throughout this whole process. I can’t even begin to tell you how much their presence – their compassion – has saved me… has pulled me away from the edge and reminded me that life is still a good thing… a thing worthwhile… My life is still worthwhile… even without Bruce. Their compassion has been my lifeboat in this storm, and I am forever grateful.

And here’s the other part of that story…

We can only give from what we have, right? I can’t give away a million dollars because I don’t have a million dollars. The same goes for love… and compassion… If I don’t have those, I can’t give them to others… And to have those, someone must have given them to me, as well.

These are the things that make the world a better place. They are free and simple to offer to others, IF we have also been offered them. They can take the form of a simple smile or hello when we pass a stranger. They can take the form of simply listening… not just to the words spoken, but also to the words unspoken. It can also mean understanding that when someone does not have love or compassion to offer, it is because that person is also missing it from their own soul.

When Bruce died, my world changed… a lot… That daily dose of love and compassion diminished greatly. My family was hundreds of miles away, and because we had not lived here for very long, our circle of friends was small and still in the just-getting-to-know-you stages.

At this point, every drop of compassion, no matter where it came from, was precious to me… like the beacon from a lighthouse when the storm is raging around you. This is what I truly want the heroes out there to know… Your love… your compassion, no matter how small or seemingly inconsequential, had an impact. It left an impression on my soul. Like a beautiful piece of art, that love and compassion became something so wonderful I had to share it… I had to pass it on.

I think sometimes we forget how much the love and compassion of others affects us… affects the world, actually, as we share it with others on our path. And here’s the thing, there will be times when we don’t have it to give – like many of us when we are lost in grief. However, sometimes all it takes is that one smile… that one hug… that one moment of compassion offered that can change everything. I wish I had the words to express how much compassion – simple unwarranted compassion – offered in those moments affected me and changed the whole trajectory of my journey.

Thank you!

There will also be times when we offer compassion, but the other person is too lost or too empty to receive it. Their response may be one of not noticing… contempt… or even anger. That is all okay… It isn’t on any of us to ‘fix’ anyone else or to make them feel a certain way. None of us has the power to do any of that. It is simply on us to offer compassion to each other. Maybe it comes in the form of ignoring rude or ugly words… Maybe it is in the form of walking away from a contentious situation… Either of those is actually offering even more compassion for their situation. Who knows… maybe in time, their tank will refill. Either way, the results are not on us… Offering compassion is the only thing that is on us.

And one more thought…

When our soul is stripped bare, not only are we unable to offer love or compassion to others… we can’t even offer it to ourselves. It becomes so easy to fall down the rabbit hole of self-loathing or feelings of not being enough… Depression can so easily sneak in and sit beside us and pull us down even further.

But… when our tanks of love and compassion refill, we are not only able to offer these to others, we are also able to offer them to ourselves. Self-care and self-compassion can take root in our lives and even spill over into others’.

I love that! I love the fact that because so many others had extra to give, now I do too! I am learning to offer love and compassion to myself, as well as those I encounter day to day.

So… to all those heroes who knowingly (or unknowingly) became the guardians of my soul… Thank you!! Thank you for caring about me and for being the emissaries of love and compassion to my heart… You really are my heroes, and you have been the guardians of my soul… You have shown me that I am worthy of love and compassion when I forgot it myself… You have helped me learn to not only live life again, but to offer the same to others… And I love you dearly!

“Receiving their love replenishes the reservoirs out of which our own compassion flows toward others.” ~ Frank Rogers Jr., Compassion in Practice

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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that… however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… My Heroes

I am well aware that I spend a lot of time talking about the challenges of grief and being a widow. I am sure it can come across as “poor me”, but that really isn’t my mindset.

Sure… Being a widow sucks… Losing Bruce sucks… I have my hard days/moments when I hate this whole thing and can feel pretty sorry for myself. You see, there are definite scenarios that most people who grieve have (or will) encounter… and some are not so good. I write a lot about these… Not to go on a pity rant, but to share my experiences week to week in an attempt to help anyone in the same boat know that their own experiences/thoughts/feelings are all “normal”. (As if anything about grief is “normal”.)

Personally, I remember when I started on this journey, I needed to hear other people’s stories, in order to make sense of my own. That is why I write this. So, I hope that makes sense.

That being said, today I want to talk about something a little bit different… I want to talk about the many heroes I have encountered on this journey… If nothing else, it can serve as a reminder to look for the positives, right?

There were heroes sent to me from the very beginning. First, there was the police officer who drove me to and from the hospital that awful night. He was young, and I can’t even imagine if he ever had to drive someone in a similar situation to the hospital. Did he already know Bruce was dead? Given that we waited for him to arrive to our home before the ambulance left for the hospital, I would guess – yes. Besides, I know he heard me calling my parents from the backseat and saying, “I think Bruce is dead.” I don’t remember much more about that ride.

However, I do know he walked me into the ER and explained who I was, because I was in shock. Then, he sat with me… the entire time I was at the hospital, he stayed close by – a strong, secure, quiet presence… I didn’t know it at the time, but I needed that. And when he finally drove me back home, he took his time, and gave me some safety advice about living alone… my “new normal”.

The next few heroes on this path were the family and friends who came as soon as they got the message. I remember my boss, at the time, was the first one here (at 3 am). I don’t remember any of our conversation, but I know she stayed with me until my son arrived several hours later.

Then, the rest of my family and Bruce’s family all arrived within the next several hours… (Heroes – all of them!) And from the moment she arrived, my dear sweet sister never left my side. She slept with me those first several nights and held me (or my hand) – simply to remind me that I wasn’t alone… I didn’t need to do this alone.

There is also Bruce’s family… Everything I have read says to expect the spouse’s family to eventually fade out of your life. I love them so much and was terrified of losing that connection. But no…Through the years, they have remained fiercely by my side – reminding me constantly that they are my family too… And I am theirs.

Through the years, there have been heroes who have held me up – some without ever knowing it and others in the most simple of ways, such as a kind message of love and encouragement. For example, one of my fellow teachers from my school in SC has consistently sent me messages of encouragement and reminders that I remain always in her prayers. I thank God for her… Those messages have gotten me through some truly rough days.

There are also people I supervised years ago in Michigan who sent me a “comfort blanket” last year. It has become my absolute favorite, snuggle blanket. I am all about textures, so when I am down, I find great comfort in it’s warmth and softness, as I remember that I am loved.

Of course, no list would be complete without mentioning my kids and my grandson. With the exception of one of my daughters (who happens to live in another country and I talk to weekly), all the rest live within an hour or two. All of them never fail to hold me up on those tough days, like holidays and anniversaries. If I want to be alone, they respect that. If I need company, they are happy to be here. Either way, they make sure I know I am loved… That means the world to me!

There are also my work friends, who are always willing to give me a big bear hug whenever needed. As well as my FB friends whose motivational posts can usually touch my heart when it is most needed. I even have one friend who is currently sharing her mental health journey. She was one of my first mentors in the corporate world, and here she is again leading with her own courage… And I am paying attention.

Finally, there are the people who have no idea what they mean to me… This includes my new woman’s group, my therapist, and so many others… You know what I mean – those people who never knew Bruce, but who genuinely care about me as a woman and where my heart is.

I think that is it… Not the end of the list, (because I am sure I have left off so many more)… But that is the point… These people… All of these people genuinely care about me and where my heart is… I am so thankful for and to each person who has supported me when I couldn’t support myself. All of you who have been patient in helping me learn to live life again. Each and every one of you is my hero… And I love you dearly!
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times.

So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘be’ and to be comfortable with that however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Working on Grace

Yep… Still me… and yep… Still working my way along this path that I find myself on… One step at a time… And if I had to pinpoint one phrase that sums up this journey I have been on for so long, I would say it is ‘a journey to find myself’.

The crazy thing is, I’m not even sure what that end result should look like. As I’ve written before, I was raised to be “a good girl” – doing what others in authority expected of me, (as I am sure many of you were too). The crazy thing is that as a child in the world I was raised in, almost everyone had authority over me – all adults, anyone male, and anyone older. I’m not sure that was the actual message spoken, but it was the one I took in.

In my first marriage, my ex believed he had the authority to treat the rest of us however he saw fit. He even threatened several times to “turn me into ‘the church’” if I didn’t follow his directives and humble myself to the “proper station” as his wife. (Insert eye roll here.) I never could get it right, though, so I was constantly in trouble. After I finally walked away from that relationship, I was left feeling defeated, broken, and completely hopeless.

I think Bruce was one of the first people to speak to that and say, “No, that isn’t right.” He was the first one to show me that I was in charge of me… He didn’t believe nor did he want me to be “less than” him. He wanted a partner… Someone on equal footing with him. He consistently pointed out that I was the one who had authority over me. Granted, there are other figures of authority that I need to respect, but ultimately, I am in charge of me. That was something new and different… And I found that I really liked it!

I was like a toddler learning to walk in this new-found freedom – not completely steady on my feet. I stumbled quite a bit, but with his encouragement, I learned to keep getting back up and starting again.

Then, almost as quickly as he came into my life, he was gone… I was devastated. Without him by my side, I found myself spiraling into an abyss that had no end… I was failing at living. I cried night and day. And as much as I wanted to believe in a God who cared, I didn’t feel it… Instead, I felt totally alone with no spiritual or emotional tools to grasp and hang onto.

As the years have passed, I have been working to get back on that path Bruce started me on… The one where I live my life… the one where I care about myself… and love myself. Which brings me to this week.

As I have been talking about, I have been struggling a lot lately with depression derived from an overabundance of self-loathing. I have been working on me, but the more I get to know myself, the less I like myself. The more I delve into the mistakes I have made in this life, the more disgusted I have been with me… It has not been good… It has not been healthy.

Then, today at church, something clicked. (Don’t get me wrong, I know I still have a long road ahead.) First of all, I had only been going to this little church for a couple of weeks when I was called back to SC to help with some family things. So, I have been out of town for several weeks. Yet, as soon as I walked in, I was greeted with some the most genuine glad-you-are-back hugs and love I have ever known. As the service started and the music played, the words being spoken went straight to my heart. It was all about loving ourselves and giving ourselves grace – grace to make mistakes and grace to fall down and get back up again… It was exactly what I needed to hear today.

I know this path in front of me (without Bruce) will still be a long one. I know I can stay broken. I can keep repeating patterns of dysfunction over and over… OR… I can listen to that divine voice of God within myself and give myself grace when I stumble… the same grace I so easily offer to others. (Why not myself too?)

Bruce gave me such a wonderful gift all those years ago when he believed in me and my ability to walk beside him. Now, it is my turn to pick up that baton and follow this light into a new and unknown space. Bruce always tried to get me to understand the power that is within me – that divine power to create a life of security, serenity, and love – for others and for myself.

Today I am feeling a joy that I haven’t felt in years. A joy in knowing that the divine within me wants me to be courageous and filled with compassion for all of God’s creation… which (to my surprise) also includes myself.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘BE’ and to be comfortable with that however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… Grief, Depression, and Hope

Grief… Depression… and Hope? Over the last several years, as I am working my way along this current path I find myself on, these three words have come up a lot! I guess that is a good thing, because each time, I learn a little bit more about me… And (usually) the next steps I need to take on this road.

Before exploring this, let’s look at their definitions (according to several sources),
• Grief is a deep sorrow, especially that caused by loss, such as (but not always) the death of someone.
• Depression is considered a mood disorder characterized by persistent sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in previously rewarding and enjoyable activities or life itself.
• Hope is a desire accompanied by expectation of or belief in fulfillment; to await some occurrence or outcome with implied certainty that what one desires or longs for will happen.

So how do these words go together?…

Immediately after Bruce died, I felt grief… Absolute, overwhelming sorrow at the loss of this man I love. But that really doesn’t explain it… You see, it wasn’t just the person… And it wasn’t just the relationship… His loss involved so much more than just those two things.

For just a moment, let’s think about a few things. First, think about the person – who they were, their voice, their smile, their laughter… Think about the things that were specific to them… Those little idiosyncrasies (whether you liked those things or not) that made them who they were… That was the man I lost.

Now think about what that person added to the two of you, within the relationship or as a couple. What were those little things that made the two of you special when you were together? Was it the way they filled your “love tank” or maybe it was the way they interacted with your kids or your family as you simply observed and let them “do their thing”… That was the relationship.

But we all know, that isn’t all of it… Think about all the precious memories and experiences you shared. Think about your dreams for your future together. Think about all the roles that person may have played within your life… Maybe they were the one to take care of the taxes or do the yard. Maybe they were the one to help with the homework or cook the dinner. Were they the one to plan the trips or come up with that fun thing to do on the weekend? Whatever it was, each of us brings different gifts and talents to the table that we add to each relationship… Many times, these are the very things that trigger and re-trigger our grief each time we encounter that specific missing piece from our life.

Which brings us to that next word, depression. Not too long after Bruce died, most of the people around me had moved on… And while that was hard to watch at the time, they should… And I knew that. The hard part came with the people who thought I should move along as quickly as they did. While I am sure there were different reasons for their thought process, I believe the biggest reason was that this was something they had not experienced. Perhaps, they thought (like I did before Bruce died), that there was a list of feelings to work though; after that, the grief is over – like a checklist and a switch… So when that didn’t happen, they chose to pull out another word, depression.

What most of us find, though, is that grief does not come with a checklist. Yes, there are the emotions you hear about – the 5 stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). The problem is these were originally meant for someone facing death… someone actually dying. Over time, they have been applied to those grieving. Yet, while it is true, you will feel all of these, it is not a nice, neat, orderly occurrence. It is more like a tangled up, knotted up ball of emotions, with those five popping in and out of your psyche day in and day out. Sure, over time, we learn how to manage these better. However, the timing is different for each of us, depending on our support, the triggers around us, and how much hope we feel about tomorrow.

So… hope… that last word. That is the part that has been the hardest for me. If hope is a belief that something longed for will happen, then grief is the exact opposite. Why? Because the very thing we long for… the person we have lost is not coming back. We know without any doubt at all that that person… that relationship… all the things they brought into our world are permanently… forever… gone. As we find ourselves looking at the years ahead (no, we don’t just look at the days), we struggle to see what the future can hold that will bring that special light back into our world.

So then, I suppose, that becomes the goal… finding hope in a world where we have lost hope.

Since Bruce died, I have had my good days and my bad days. I have had moments where I felt there was hope for my tomorrow and days when I didn’t want to face tomorrow. In case you couldn’t tell here, due to life’s current circumstances, the last several months have been filled with more hopeless days than usual… I know my depression has been a struggle, and I am working on it… I haven’t given up… I know I can figure this out. Then, because the Universe tends to push me past my comfort zone, my journal prompt today was: “Hope starts with the promises of God.”

I almost laughed out loud! Of course, that was the prompt today! Because ‘hope’ is the one thing I have not felt lately… It has been the straw I keep trying to grasp, but keep missing… So, here were my thoughts…
“I think that is where my depression stems from – a loss of hope. Remembering that even when my heart hurts… even when my loss feels like more than I can bear… remembering God is compassionate to my pain is where I need to focus and what I need to hang on to, because this is where my hope comes from… A hope that the next moment, hour, or even tomorrow can be better. Remembering and trusting… those aren’t my usual first reactions… but I am working on it. In the meantime, I will give myself the time needed to cope with the changes in my life and to seek comfort for as long as I may need it… and knowing that this growth can be easier when I turn to the divine within and allow myself to feel God’s comforting presence in each moment.“

“Out of my distress I called on the Lord, and the Lord answered me.” ~ Psalm 118:5
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. This year, my goal is to simply ‘be’… Be me, be kind, be compassionate, be loving, be hopeful… to just ‘BE’ and to be comfortable with that – however it looks.

Peace, Love, and Grief… What’s Faith Got to Do with It?

I have written about it before, so most of you are aware that just a few weeks before Bruce died, I came to the realization that my faith wasn’t really mine… or at the very least, had ceased to grow in a way that was helpful. I had reached a point where the dogma had become more hurtful than hopeful.

Then, when Bruce died, it all fell apart…

The little bit of faith I thought I had left quickly drained away. The loss… the feelings of abandonment… the loneliness… the complete devastation… it was too much… How could a God who knew all… who knew me… who knew how much Bruce and I loved each other… who knew how much healing Bruce had brought to me and my kids… How could a God that knew all of this, let Bruce die… How??

I couldn’t wrap my brain around it – at least not for years.

I remember all the expressions of sympathy from my friends and family. Their love and caring meant the world to me… Each and every note truly helped to hold me up. The only things I truly struggled with were the things people said that fell flat, such as “He’s in a better place” or “God needed another angel”. NO! Those words were not comforting… Those words did not offer empathy or compassion. Instead, those words simply fueled my anger and pointed it to a God who came across as selfish and uncaring if those phrases were accurate. That was not a God who I wanted anything to do with.

At the same time, when there were verses attached to the note on a card, written in a song, or sent in a GIF, I paid attention… I was desperate for something – anything – to ease the pain I felt.

I can remember some that I found helpful were:

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” ~ Psalm 147:3

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.’” ~ Jeremiah 29:1

I also remember when people tried to tell me that grieving showed a lack of faith, or that I needed to “get over it and move forward”, or any number of things that called for me to deny my grief and behave in a way that made others more comfortable. Then, I remembered and found these:

“Jesus wept.” ~ John 11:35 (It is noted several times that Jesus wept, but this particular time was in response to the death of a dear friend.)

“Then Jesus said to them, ‘My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death.’” ~Matthew 26:38

How about that? … Jesus wept… Jesus grieved… Not only was it okay for me to feel this way, this God I had been raised to trust knew how I felt… This God was by my side and grieving with me.

“I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you… You are precious in my sight, and honored, and I love you.” ~ Isaiah 43: 1-2, 4

Before long, my faith journey started. A real journey… a journey to let go of everything I had been taught and the man-made dogma that went with it. (Honestly, this is still my journey, and I hope it never ends, because now I love what I am learning.)

Anyway, it wasn’t too long before Psalm 46:10 (“Be still and know that I am God.”) became my mantra and my morning meditation. It became a way to sit still and allow myself to find comfort in the Divine – “One God, One life, one mind, one heart… Together we are one.” This has become my morning tradition, and while it isn’t for everyone, I find great comfort in it.

The past few months, as I have been working on healing other areas of my life, I have found myself missing Bruce and feeling down on myself more than usual… more than I have in years. In fact, the more I deal with the mistakes I have made through the years, the more I have disliked and been angry with myself… And the more I have hated myself, the more I have missed Bruce… The man who saw so much more in me than I ever did… The man who believed in me and helped me keep a level head about my past, as well as, where I was heading.

Then, last week, the universe floated this verse into my world:

“I thank my God every time I remember you.” ~ Philippians 1:3

Oh my gosh! How simple and how true! I may be having a good day or a bad day… I may be happy or grieving or angry… Yet, no matter what, I really do thank God every single day for this man… This man who showed me true, unconditional love with every breath.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. Learning to function on this new path is hard. I don’t think any of us chose to be here, but this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined. Each time I think I have it all figured out; I find I don’t at all, despite the years since Bruce passed. Life is filled with challenges for all of us. For me, my goal is to look at this year before me and (intentionally) hold onto the joy and the hope life holds.