grieve – Page 8 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love, and Grief – Perspectives

“The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of the state of your mind.” ~ Wayne Dyer

… A state of mind… Our perspective… It is something we don’t spend a lot of time contemplating. Yet, it controls everything around us… or at least, it controls how we experience everything around us.

At the beginning of this journey, when Bruce first died, all I could think about was how he was gone. Everything in my world was filtered through a lens of grief, loss, pain, and (if I am honest) self-pity. If I saw a couple fighting, I wanted to shout at them to stop. After all, there was no guarantee that they would both still be here in the morning. If I saw a couple holding hands or kissing, I was jealous. Why did they still get to be together, while Bruce and I weren’t. It didn’t seem fair.

But it wasn’t just that… Holidays and normal days, waking and sleeping – no matter what was happening, the “spin” my brain applied had more to do with Bruce being gone than what was actually happening around me. I somehow lost my ability to just enjoy life as it comes. All I could think about was my loss and so that was how I viewed and experienced life.

Was it helpful? Heck, no! Was it a normal reaction? Absolutely!

It took me a long time, though, to realize exactly how much that perspective was hurting me. It wasn’t just my clothes that were black; it was my whole outlook on life. Even now, I know that when I get triggered and a wave of grief comes flooding into my soul, I have to be very careful not to let it take over how I view everything else. Otherwise, I find myself spiraling down, because the more I focus on my pain, the more my pain becomes all I can see.

It is a vicious space to find yourself in and unless you realize it, you will remain there… and it takes a lot of self-discipline to fight that urge to wallow there and instead focus on the good.

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ~ Wayne Dyer

This morning when I opened Facebook, the first two posts were from friends whom I have gone to church with, prayed with, loved and cared about. We have different political views, but that doesn’t mean either of us are bad or wrong… We just have different life experiences that have led us to differing opinions. I can respect that. We don’t have to agree.

Why? Because my focus isn’t on our differences. My focus is on the love and friendship we share with each other. My focus is on the Divine in each and every one of us that (in my view) connects all of us to each other.

What hurt, though, is that it would never occur to me to say the things to them that they were saying to me. Granted, it wasn’t a personal message with my name on it. However, these messages were directed at everyone and anyone who isn’t in agreement with them. That makes no sense to me.

It didn’t change my mind. However, it did cause me to flinch on the inside, and honestly, it felt just plain mean. (Not a word I would use to describe either of these people.) How can someone say that their faith calls them to love, then turn right around and say things that are anything but loving?

I found myself asking what happened to the love between friends? Respect for others’ experiences? Compassion for things we may not understand because we’ve never been forced to deal with it? An appreciation for hard choices that (thankfully) weren’t ours to make?

Gone… All of it seems to be gone.

How did we get to this place? I believe a big piece of that puzzle is (as I said in the beginning) our perspective… our focus… Because when we only focus on our differences, suddenly those differences are all we can see, and – right or wrong – that is what we act on.

I can’t imagine living in a world where everyone thinks alike… where all opinions are the same… where there is only room for one way of thinking. I would hate that. I am so thankful for all of my life’s experiences – even that hard ones… even the awful ones. Each of those has broadened my world and opened my eyes.

It’s funny… I didn’t always think that way. I spent most of my life surrounded by people who looked like me, prayed like me, and thought like me… which led me to believe that my thoughts and opinions were the right ones.

Then I met Bruce… sweet, wonderful Bruce. His opinions were not always in line with mine. I can’t tell you how many times I found myself trying to change his mind so he would see things the “right way” … Yet, through it all, he was so patient.

I remember one day as we discussed a sensitive topic, he asked how much I truly knew about the opposing views. It wasn’t a challenge. It was an honest question.

Had I ever actually listened – really listened – as someone explained their thoughts and views? Not simply hearing words and comparing them to my own thoughts… then, ultimately thinking of all the ways they were wrong. In other words, I wasn’t really listening. I was only waiting for my turn to respond. He was asking me to just let go for a moment and listen – without judgement… without formulating a response… to just a focus on them and all the experiences behind the words.

While I wanted to say that I had, I knew that I hadn’t… Not really… not enough. Then he talked about how important it is to listen to all the sides… to get a true and firm idea of where they are on their journey, whether I agreed or not wasn’t the point. The point was that while neither person is likely to change their mind, listening to each other allows us to draw closer in understanding and compassion… In other words, it alters our focus so that we can at least find our similarities and/or understand why we each think differently.

At that point, the focus is no longer on who is right or wrong, but on how we can move forward together… It is about adjusting our perspective so that our interactions are ones that build each other up – not tear each other down.

As time passes, I have come to understand more and more what he was saying (and modeling). Other opinions aren’t a threat – they are simply expressions of where each of us are currently on our journey… And each person’s journey is unique to them.

For example, now I find that I like people who offer other ways of thinking. I learn a lot about myself and the world around me when my perspectives are (respectfully) challenged. It might be hard to hear, and I may or may not understand or agree. However, usually… hopefully… we both leave that conversation a little bit wiser and a little more compassionate.

All that to say this…

“What you choose to perceive, you project out towards others. Your brother or the world you perceive to be outside yourself, acts as a mirror and reflects back what you originally projected out. Since thoughts are things, if you see your brother as handicapped, he will be handicapped. If you see him as hateful, he will be hateful. <Your> ways of seeing your brother reflects how you see yourself.” ~ ACIM, Note #25 (Thomas Wakechild)

There are a lot of things I have learned from Bruce through the years – some while he was alive and some after he died. At this point, I would say this idea of being aware of my focus and how it affects my perspective on everything else has probably had the biggest impact on my life… And for that, I am exceedingly grateful.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

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Peace, Love, and Grief – Grief

Did you know that there are different types of grief? Seriously, there are! According to the internet, they are Normal grief, Anticipatory grief, Complicated grief, Sudden loss grief, Disenfranchised grief, Secondary grief, and Anniversary grief.

How crazy does that sound? It sounds ridiculous to me… grief is grief. In my opinion, when we start categorizing grief, that means we are comparing grief… And when we compare grief, we are judging it… We are deciding, which is worse? Which is harder? Which is more valid?

That is ridiculous… Just stop!

Sure, there are different triggers or ways that grief enters and presents itself, but the bottom line is – it is all grief. It all hurts. All of it is challenging.

So, let’s start at the end of the list and work our way forward…

Anniversary grief. This is referring to the anniversaries that we hold dear in relation to the person we lost. This includes the grief we feel as the day approaches, as well as the grief on “the day”. And there is the grief that lingers after. This isn’t just the first year. It is every year. It is still grief… Still hard.

Then there is Secondary grief. This is referring to the side losses… the other relationships in our life that are now changed due to that loss. For some that may be readjusting, or (for example) it could be the relationship with your in-laws. In other words, it is about how this loss affects your other relationships. These changes tend to be more gradual – changing over time… However, it is still grief (although with another relationship) … Still hard.

Next comes Disenfranchised grief. This is referring to a death where society may not understand the relationship, such as a pet or someone who has been ill for a long time. Usually this means grieving alone and without support. This sounds terrible to me… and… It is still grief… Still hard.

Then there is Sudden Loss. This is about a loss that is completely unexpected. More often than not, this involves some type of trauma. There is shock surrounding the entire event – a struggle to understand and/or accept the loss. While I believe this has been my experience, it is still grief… Still hard.

Complicated grief is next. This is grief that is intense and ongoing. This grief may make simple daily tasks seem impossible and may require therapy. Also keep in mind that grief does not have a timeline. Everyone is different, so give yourself grace to heal. Still… this is grief… And VERY hard to work through.

Anticipatory grief is next. This occurs before the actual loss. In other words, it is the grieving that starts when someone we love is facing death. In these situations, the grieving process is long since it starts before the loss occurs and continues after they are gone. The person left behind grieves twice. I have not been through this, but people I love have (or are currently experiencing this) and… It is grief… It is hard.

Finally, there is Normal grief… What?? Normal?? Grief is not normal. It is awful! References say this is “the typical reaction a person has to loss”. Please tell me which two people have experienced grief the same… No one! Grief is as individual as each of us. The references say that with normal grief, the emotions are high at first, then the person goes “back to their everyday normal life”. That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard! Your life will never be the same. Granted, it will go on. It will be what you make of it… But it will not “go back” to “everyday normal” life. This is still grief… It is still hard.

Sometimes I think the people who write this stuff are too far removed from the whole experience to truly understand what they are saying. At the same time, I get it. As humans, we want to put things into nice, neat categories that we can understand. However, grief is so individual that it cannot be placed into nice, neat boxes and categorized. That is why it is such a challenge.

So, let’s just be honest enough to say that grief is grief, and it is hard (period).
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Messages

“It feels absurd that he doesn’t exist, but… it is what it is.” ~ Mary Oliver, Snow Geese

I feel this so often… When something good happens and I want to share; when something bad happens and I need a friend; when something silly or crazy happens and I want to share that “did you see that” glance with my BFF; throughout the holidays and on birthdays; when I wake up to start the day and when I finally lay my head down at night…

I know he is gone. I have accepted that reality. However, I still struggle to understand it. It makes no sense to me… at all. He was so young, and we had just started our lives together. How can he not be here anymore? How is he gone?

I can’t tell you how often I have found myself so excited to share something with Bruce, only to be also instantly reminded that I can’t… He isn’t here. Or the days when a simply hug from Bruce could have turned my sadness into instant smiles, but that is not be… never again. “Never again” is a very long time, which means the thought of “never again” can sometimes feel overwhelming…

But… What if “never again”, isn’t quite right? What if that isn’t the whole story?

For decades, I have felt a true, energetic connection to my paternal grandfather and my maternal grandmother. I can’t explain it. I don’t even know why them and not anyone else. I just know that it is there. I feel their love, their guidance, and their energy… And with Bruce, it has been the same – only stronger.

There have been dreams that are so vivid and real I hate waking up. (Not so unusual – most of us experience these.) Sometimes, things in our home that held special importance to him are moved. For example, something will be in one place when I go to bed, and back where he used to keep it when I wake up. Or the foosball men will be set up for his “opening move” rather than lined up neatly the way I like them. Or his Christmas stocking that swings constantly while all the others hang perfectly still. (Nothing big… always subtle.)

Then there are times when the message seems to come in the form of music. For example, the other day as I got into the shower, I found myself wondering if he was still around since I hadn’t noticed anything lately. While I was in the shower, I felt a peaceful presence wash over me like a hug – all felt right in the world. A few minutes later, when I turned off the water and got out, “our song” was finishing up on the radio. It felt like Bruce was sending a message in the music – “I am always here… whether you know it or not.”

I know this probably sounds crazy or far-fetched to most people. That’s okay… I realize how it sounds. At the same time, I simply know what I have experienced and the connections I feel because of those experiences. Besides, how many things that we now know to be scientifically sound would not have been believed 25, 50, or 100 years ago.

As for me, my faith has always taught me that that just because you can’t see it or haven’t experienced it, doesn’t’ mean it isn’t true. And since science teaches that energy doesn’t die, I am open to whatever that means and the comfort it brings me when I need it. When I keep all of this in mind, it leads me to work a little harder to live a life with less judgement – a mindset that is open, looks beyond form, and connects to the energy within everyone and everything.

In other words, it isn’t just head knowledge that makes us who we are or gets us through our day-to-day. Our heart knowledge is just as solid and just as important in determining our next steps and the energy we leave in our wake… And that gives me hope when I start to dwell on the “never again”.

“Life is so much more than our limited human bodies and perspectives.” ~ Pam Grout
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – On Being Sad

Note: I apologize for missing last week. It was my son’s birthday weekend, and our family celebrated him all weekend… Life is too precious to do anything less. : )

I am actually not sad today… I am missing Bruce, (that is an everyday occurrence), but I’m not sad. However, even now, there are still days when I am sad – overwhelmingly sad, sometimes. So, when I read a meme on grief today, the truth in its words hit me hard and reminded me of how many times I have heard someone say, “Bruce wouldn’t want you to be sad.”

I hate that line. It feels so manipulative… so dismissive…

Of course, he wouldn’t want me to be sad. I don’t want to be sad either. Shoot! If the tables were turned, I believe he would be sad. I wouldn’t want that, but I completely understand it, just as I believe he understands my sadness, too.

Bruce was never one to tell me how to feel or what to think. Instead, he was one to listen… to offer compassion… and to let me take whatever time I needed to work through whatever I was feeling – no timeline, no pressure – just love… always love.

So, if we really think about that piece of advice, it isn’t helpful at all. Ignoring feelings… pushing them down… that isn’t how we heal.

Grief is hard. Grief is ugly. Grief looks different on each person who experiences it. Unless we do the hard, ugly work of grieving, it will not get any better. Also, even when we work on it, I don’t think grief is ever completely gone. It has a way of appearing when we least expect it – in varying degrees of intensity, called waves. We can be fine in the morning and bawling our eyes out by lunch.

It is the nature of the beast, and grief is a cruel beast… and also my (now) constant companion.

However, that doesn’t mean I have given up. I work at it, and I keep moving forward. Each day, another baby step… time spent with those I love… time spent laughing… time spent in contemplation… time spent creating new memories… and time spent finding new dreams for the future.

In other words, life still goes on. Sure, I spend time reflecting on the past, but these days, I am a lot more careful not to get stuck there. Now that I truly know exactly how precious this life is, I don’t want to waste a moment of it. I work hard to recapture the thrill I always felt when I was with Bruce… Only now, I have to find that same love of life without him. It’s hard. Somedays I am more successful than others – and that’s okay.

Even when Bruce was here, I wasn’t happy 24/7… Neither was he… No one is. We all get tossed around and experience life’s bumps and bruises… and we all have to work through the emotions that go with all of that. For each of us, that will look different. Telling each other how to feel or not feel isn’t helpful… And adding the phrase that “So-and-so wouldn’t want you to feel that way” isn’t fair. It isn’t right.

If you are sad, feel sad. Whether you are new to grief or whether you have been on this journey for a while doesn’t matter. How you care for yourself is what matters. Give yourself the space to feel what you feel. Work on not being stuck there, but also realize there isn’t a timeline to tell you when to stop. I know this isn’t as simple as it may sound. It takes time to figure out what will work for you. However, never forget that you are worth the investment… We all are.

Sure, our loved ones wouldn’t want us to be sad. Of course not! However, they also wouldn’t want us to ignore our grief and never process it. So… if happy is what you feel in this moment, enjoy that – drink in every precious moment of it… Or, if sad is what you feel in this moment, that is okay too – feel it deep in your bones while allowing your soul to understand and work through it… and never let someone else guilt you into pushing that aside; that is their stuff to work through – not yours or mine.

“Being sad is an acceptable response to death. Because really what they would want is what I want. They’d want to be here. To be laughing. To be creating new memories. Reflecting on the past. But dreaming of the future.” ~ @Glitterandgrief
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Not Fair

“That’s not fair.”

If there was ever one phrase that each of us spoke at some point in our childhood, this has to be it (or at least in the top ten). I can remember saying it as a child and my mother’s response was usually a “life’s not fair”. So… when my kids were growing up, guess what my response was to them… Yep… “Life’s not fair.”

… And it isn’t. Life is just… life.

There isn’t always fairness in what life doles out nor reason to understand it. Life just is, and as we mature, we realize that ‘fairness in all things’ is a fairly childish notion. Yet… don’t we all still have those moments when we just want it to be fair, but it isn’t? It may be hard to admit, but aren’t there still times when we want (or even need) someone or something to step in and either make it fair or explain why this particular set of circumstances might be fair after all?

… I know I do… I may not vocalize it as such, but the child in me still wants things to be fair… for all of us… even when I am on the beneficial end of something unfair. I struggle with the idea that my “gain” may have come at the cost of someone else’s “loss”. Either way, I struggle to understand. I want to know why. I want to know how. Somehow, I seem to get stuck for a bit, because I truly need to understand.

But life doesn’t usually offer explanations…

When Bruce died, I truly struggled with all of that. We were both pretty young. It felt as if we had just started our life together. How did this make any sense at all? Why him? Why us? It just wasn’t fair, and I struggled for years to wrap my brain around it.

Years later, when I was diagnosed with cancer, a lot of those same feelings came up again. I was healthy. I worked out every day. I ate right and drank moderately. The doctors used to tell me that my only “contributing factor” was the fact that I am a woman. Period. That made no sense. That didn’t answer my questions. In fact, I had even more questions, like “how was I supposed to go through this without Bruce by my side?” Without him, I had to reach out for support (both emotional and physical) from family and friends… people who had their own families and lives to deal with. None of that seemed fair… to anyone.

Then, last year in August, I was part of an 11% RIF (reduction in force). After 17 years as a high preforming employee, I was laid off along with about 2400 people, which also included many of my friends. It felt so wrong. It hurt so bad. Through the shock and stumbling at the beginning and through the job searches that followed, I struggled with all the same questions – How did this become an acceptable business solution? Why was this the solution? Why me? Why any of us? It didn’t make sense… None of it made sense… especially when that company started hiring again within a month or so.

Then, this week, at my new company, there was a RIF… again. I was stunned. I didn’t understand. I still don’t understand. This time I wasn’t let go, but now I find myself questioning why am I still here and the others aren’t? Even after only a few short months, I wonder ‘why’. Why them? How is this going to help? It feels so wrong. It feels so unfair.

This morning, while discussing this latest RIF and all of the emotions I am feeling with someone I love dearly, (and who holds very different religious/spiritual views), they responded by saying, “Well, one day, the people who made these choices will pay for their greed. They will stand before God and be judged for these decisions. They will be held to account for this. Take solace in that.”

But I don’t take solace in that. There was a time when I did… I used to believe that. In fact, I used to (half-jokingly) say that I wanted to stand behind my ex when we “go for judgement”, because I thought that would be fair after all the things he did to our family. Yet somewhere along the way, I outgrew that. I don’t even believe in that, and I don’t wish him ill. Instead, I accept the truth of what was, and at the same time, pray for ‘peace of mind’ for each of us who were in that situation… I guess, somewhere along the way, I realized that is better… That is what we need – not more judgment or anger or negativity.

Also, this morning, in my devotions, the author talked about the Buddhist practice of non-attachment. I have heard of it before, but never really understood it… until today. The author explained that non-attachment is not apathy. It is not about “not caring”. It is about accepting things as they are… as is… no judgement. Then, in my conversation with our church’s spiritual director, she went even further… Non-attachment also means not being attached to a certain outcome. It means accepting what I can’t control. (Insert a deep sigh here for me when that sunk in.)

Many people say that there are certain lessons our souls need to learn in our time here on earth. If we don’t learn a lesson, then it will keep reappearing (in different forms) until we do… until we start paying attention and doing the hard work of learning and letting go… of trusting that the Divine has a hand in all of it… of understanding that the Divine is good… and wants nothing but good for us. Period.

So instead of focusing on what isn’t fair, maybe I need to hold out and remember that life isn’t over. There is more to come. This particular moment may be incredibly hard, and I may not have any control. Maybe I need to find my voice or make some type of change or readjustment…

However, in the end, it isn’t about “fair” at all, because the idea of “fairness” is born from fear – fear of something missing. So, do I still want things to be fair? Of course, I do! But instead of worrying about controlling that, maybe I spend my time learning to ‘be’… learning to accept ‘what is’… and remembering to live from that inner space of peace that expresses love and hope to a world that has more than its fair share of fear and judgement…

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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Reality

“Even when emotional triggers crop up, you can quickly regain your composure and get back on track. Whatever you do, don’t get down on yourself. Acknowledge your feelings, so you can deal with them.” ~ Sheri McGregor, Done with the Crying

So many thoughts, so many feelings…

First, I want to thank everyone who sent messages of support and suggestions of how to pull myself out of the funk I was in. You are amazing!! I was in deep, and I didn’t know what else to do but be honest about that. After all, this is about my journey and that was where I found myself.

Right after Bruce died, when I first started this blog, and people were giving me suggestions on how to move forward, I was offended. That is embarrassing now, but it was where I was at the time. Then, all I could think was “who are you to tell me how to feel or what to do?”

Now, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that someone cares enough to offer help… to offer support. Whether or not I follow that advice is irrelevant… Someone cares. That is what matters. That is what warms my heart, makes me take a breath and a step back to figure out what to do next… So, to each person who cared enough to reach out, thank you! You touched my heart and changed my world.

Today is better… This week was better. Sometimes, just knowing someone cares can make a world of difference. This week, you are my heroes!

I think… no – I know… my triggers last week were multiple. A lot of it was our current cultural climate – the name calling and hatred surrounding politics and religion. (What a shame that we don’t stop to consider the effects of our words on others before we post them.) On top of that, I have realized, (after several months of waiting), that I have been the target of a cruel joke from someone I love very much. Then, per normal and despite being divorced for 20+ years, I have an ex that still doesn’t know how to move on and continues to be who he has always been by sending abusive messages – which is sad for him and obnoxiously irritating to me. (I probably shouldn’t say that here, because it will only encourage him, but it is what it is.) On top of that, I am working on some “forgiveness issues” of my own in therapy, and I guess it simply all became the “perfect storm.”

Anyway, it just felt like a lot last week. It felt like more than I could handle by myself. I would have given anything to feel Bruce’s arms enfolding me and his gentle voice assuring me that it was all okay. However, that is not to be. That is not my path. I suppose, my lesson, at this point in my journey, is to remember that life is precious and good… I am okay… and I can do this.

In fact, this was in my morning meditations today. These were the words that anchored my soul, “… love is greater that hate, peace is greater than chaos, and God is greater than everything.” * So, I will continue to breathe that in and let go of the rest.

I will remember that I can’t control what someone else does or says. That is theirs to own, and I don’t need to take it in and make it mine.

Why? Because God is great. I am good. Bruce loves me (still)… and all is well… And so, it is.

* The Daily Word, August 3, 2024
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Triggers

For the past several months, I have been on a “good” streak emotionally. I have missed Bruce, but I felt in control of my grief and the emotions that come with that. I think it has been the longest, good streak I have had since he died. Honestly, I have been kind of proud of myself, because the past 11 months have held a lot of challenges – deaths, family illnesses and injuries, job loss, career changes, relationship struggles, and the list goes on. In other words, life has happened, and I have maneuvered through it pretty well.

Some days I have found myself, wishing more than anything that Bruce was still here… To find my way through these obstacles without him is hard. Therapy has helped, as I have written about before, and I am pretty sure it is the reason this good streak lasted as long as it did…

Yes, … “did”… as in “past tense”…

I don’t know why things have hit me differently this week, but they have. I mean, there are always challenges and triggers, but this week, I have just felt them more… I have hurt more… I have cried more… and I have missed Bruce more. This has been one of those weeks where all I want to do is sit in my favorite chair and either cry or stare at nothing as time ticks by. (Thankfully, I had therapy this week, so I can say that I have managed this wave of grief far better than in the past… So, there’s that.)

Anyway, since the whole point of this blog is to be honest about my journey, that is what I am struggling to do today… And since I am still in the middle of this one, it really is a struggle to write anything at all.

I wish I understood triggers and the massive waves of grief that come with them. I wish I had a black and white answer for moving past them. Being a “list” person, I wish there were a list of things to do, and the grief would magically be gone… But none of that exists. Instead, I need to fight my way back out of this one.

The strange part is my triggers this week actually had more to do with the manipulation and abuse in my first marriage. Those triggers leave me feeling vulnerable and drained… When Bruce and I were first married, the kids and I had a lot of healing to do… and Bruce… kind, gentle, loving Bruce was there for us. He never shied away or acted like it wasn’t his problem. Instead, he painstakingly loved us through it – one hard moment at a time.

This week, I have missed that so much. Back then, when the emotions grew to be too much or a nightmare from past events woke me up, he would gently take me in his arms and simply hold me. He didn’t try to talk me out of my emotions or memories. He simply held me until I felt safe again… I miss that… I miss that a lot.

And that’s where I am today… I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to be social. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to think… I am overwhelmed with all those old emotions of being “not worthy” and “not enough”, while also wishing beyond anything else that I could feel Bruce’s arms holding me. Instead, the tears keep flowing, and I am struggling to even breathe.

I don’t want to end this message on that note, but if I am going to be honest, this is where I am emotionally today. At the same time, I also know all of those things that happened, and all these emotions that have been triggered, they are from the past… That past is no longer my world. I survived that and got out… and married a man who always showed me I am worthy, and I am enough.

So… I know it will get better, and with any luck at all, I will wake up tomorrow feeling a little bit stronger and little bit better… And until then, I will simply be patient with myself.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Relationships

Humans are built to be relational – with others… and with ourselves. We do this through… wait for it… Yep, relationships… So, what is a relationship?

I was asked this question yesterday, and honestly, I struggled at first to answer… Did they want a dictionary definition? Did they want a distinction between good and bad relationships? Then, they simply repeated the question and waited… What is a relationship?

I finally responded by describing my relationship with Bruce… This relationship was so completely different from all the others in my life at that time. Ours was the first one that I knew without a doubt was completely without conditions – unconditional love… What a gift!!

As most other people I knew growing up, our home was an authoritarian one. My father was “in charge” … And my mother and our religion backed him – always… and the goal that was always presented (at home and at church) was perfection… While we knew we could never achieve perfection, we were to strive for it anyway – at all times and in all things.

(Before I go any further, please know I am not saying this in anger. It is simply what was… It was a different time with different cultural expectations. I sincerely believe that each person was doing what they thought was best with the knowledge and experience they possessed – nothing more, nothing less.)

Needless to say, though, I failed miserably at this pursuit and was well aware of my failures in this realm even as a toddler. For me, as a result, I spent most of my life trying to convince others that I was worthy of being loved by trying to be whatever I thought they wanted me to be… which only led to more feelings of failure because who could love me, when I didn’t feel it was safe to love myself and show anyone who I really was.

Over time, it became a cycle of screwing up (failing), jumping back on the “perfection” train and trying again, only to fail again… and again… and again. Why? Because perfection is an ideological myth. Perfection is defined by the person doing the judging, which means the needle is always moving… and how do you live a life like that?

What if, instead, we were to realize that the Divine has created each of us and sees us as His/Her whole and perfect creation? What if we really took it to heart that God created and declared that we are good simply because we are His/Her creation?

That was what I experienced with Bruce. That was the relationship that changed my entire world.

After my divorce, my Momma told me that she was praying that I would find someone who could love me with the love of Jesus – but with skin on… In other words, someone who understood that we are simply to relate to each other with the love of the Christ – a fully conscious decision to accept someone’s differences, personality, quirks, and all that makes them who they are. How close we grow with that person depends on how we relate to each other, but judgements and grandiose expectations are not needed.

In answer to her prayers, Bruce entered my world, and that is exactly what he offered me… A relationship without judgement… a relationship that allowed – no, supported and encouraged – me to simply be me. I could pursue my dreams. I could make my mistakes. I could determine the path I wanted to follow… In other words, I could live my life – not one someone else envisioned for me… And through it all, Bruce constantly reiterated his support and love… Whenever I asked if there was something more he needed from me (something I had always been taught to do, especially as a woman), the answer was always the same…

“Just love me,” he would say with a smile. “That’s all… just keep loving me.”

In that moment, I knew… Bruce and I saw each other at our best and at our worst… and it didn’t matter. Love is love and that really was the only requirement in the relationship.

What an amazing feeling! To know without a doubt that I was lovable as me – nothing more was needed – “perfection” be damned. I was enough… I was worthy as I was… and Bruce loved me just as the Divine created me.

That my friends, is a relationship… That was my answer to the question… And that, I believe, is how we are called to love each other.
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Grief is a daily challenge. It changes us we could never foresee, making this journey a difficult path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Blessings

Hello, my friends! I apologize for missing last week. I was on vacation. (Sadly, due to certain situations in my life, I never feel safe making that announcement beforehand.)

This week, I want to do something a little bit different. I want to offer blessings to each and every one of us. I know that is such an old custom – one that seems to be lost these days. It’s odd that the judgement piece seems so entrenched in our culture, but to offer blessings is not… and I think we could all use a little more blessing in our lives.

So… This is for you… and me…

Blessings for those who are grieving…

Blessings to those whose heart is struggling to comprehend what has happened.
… And to those who watched death come slowly – forcing them to grieve twice.

Blessings to those who have already cried enough tears to fill every ocean on the planet.
… And to those who can’t cry at all.

Blessings to those who are grieving their own way.
… And to those who have lost other relationships because they can’t grieve the way someone else believes they should.

Blessings to those who are struggling with feelings of loneliness or abandonment.
… And to those who don’t know how they will face the rest of their days alone.

Blessings to those who are wrestling with depression or thoughts of suicide.
… And to those who don’t even want to face tomorrow.

Blessings to those who keep going through the motions.
… And to those who don’t know why they even bother most days.

Blessings to those whose only accomplishment today was getting out of bed.
… And to those who couldn’t even do that.

Blessings to those who smile and say “thank you” when offered shallow platitudes
… And to those who can’t, don’t or won’t.

Blessings to those who feel abandoned or unsupported by their faith.
… And to those have lost their faith because, after all, how could a God of love and understanding allow this.

Blessings to those who don’t know how to handle all the things – all of the many roles that are now theirs.
… And to those who are angry because all of this is so unfair.

Blessings to those who think they will never smile or laugh again.
… And to those who feel guilty when they do.

Blessings to those who wake up alone, go to bed alone and spend every moment in between alone.
… And to those who can’t figure out the reason they are still here – alone.

Blessings to those who are enduring the judgement of others while still fighting this pain.
… And to those who wear sunglasses in public so no one can see that they are crying.

Blessings to those who can’t celebrate the holidays.
… To those who try to celebrate by setting a place at the table for their lost loved one.

Blessings to those who are taking things one day at a time.
… And to those who pray constantly for this pain to end.

Blessings to those who wait to cry in the shower or in the bed at night so no one else will hear.
… And to those who can’t seem to stop the flow of tears.

Blessings to those who want to give up.
… And to those who are determined to keep moving forward.

Blessings to all of us… We are hurting.
It is pain that is shared and, yet it is still as individual as each and every one of us.

Blessings to us all as we find our way along this journey… one step at a time.
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.

Peace, Love, and Grief – Trying to Bloom

Bloom where you are planted…

I believe I have seen this saying on so many schoolroom walls that when I see it now, I just look right past it… until today when it showed up at the very end of my devotional.

Seriously? I’m a grown up, not a kid… And yet, even at this point in my life, I must admit that I am still just chugging through, day-by-day, trying to make sense out of this life. Last week, I talked about the “10 steps” *, and where I am currently on that path. (There were several that still have me stumbling along.)

Step 7: Finding Meaning, Step 8: Redefining Ourselves, Step 9: Living with Our Loss, and Step 10: Accepting Life – these seem to be the ones where I am currently working. So, when I saw the phrase, “bloom where you are planted”, those steps instantly popped into my mind along with the thought that I am (finally) “growing” where I have been planted… But I’m not blooming… I am definitely not blooming.

There may be a few buds on the branches, however, I still have such mixed feelings about my love for Bruce, his death, and my life without him still in front of me… It is all like some big, jumbled knot where I want to bloom. I want to be happy. I want to just live my life and “be”.

At the same time, all of that feels pointless and blank. I struggle to get to a place emotionally where doing all of that without Bruce will somehow be okay… True, I am better than I was… but I know I still have a long way to go.

How do I get there? I know Bruce is dead. I believe I have accepted that. However, it is the part where I see beyond that that is the problem. Learning to find the joy in life without the instant desire to share that moment with Bruce is a challenge. Learning to make my way through the twists and turns that life throws at each of us every day… all on my own… is even harder.

Wouldn’t you know it, though? Life… the universe… the Divine (use whatever word makes you comfortable) somehow has a way of answering our questions if we will just slow down and be quiet long enough to hear…

So, as I turned to the next book in my current morning routine, (still pondering “how to bloom” where I am), this paragraph seemed to jump from the page…

“Acceptance does not mean you agree with, condone, appreciate, or even like what has happened. Acceptance means that you know, regardless of what happened, that there is something bigger than you at work… You know that you are okay and that you will continue to be okay.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant, Forgiveness

That was just what I needed to hear to get my brain moving…

Then, I remembered Step 6: Faith… That is where I need to look. While I have gone to church my entire life, I felt deserted by that faith years ago. So, I am well aware that my own faith journey really just started in the last few years. It has taken me a long time to deconstruct what I was told to believe and to reconstruct what I know and believe through my own experiences.

I know that is the step that will help me figure out the others… That is the step that will lead me to a place where I can find meaning, redefine myself, learn to live with this loss, accept the life I have been gifted… and, finally, to bloom.

Will I get there today? Nope… I probably won’t even get there this year, but I am on the right path, and so there is no hurry. Life will keep providing the insight and I will keep growing… There is no need to pretend I have all the answers – I don’t. I readily admit to the challenges in my world since Bruce died… But I won’t give up on myself… I won’t give up on learning to bloom right here where I am currently planted.

* I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye, by Brook Noel & Pamela D. Blair, PhD, 2008 edition, pp208 – 209
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Grief changes us. This journey is not an easy path for anyone. That is why I share the mistakes I have made, as well as what I have felt and learned along the way. Even sharing our stories of love and life can be helpful on this journey. We know learning to function on this new path is hard, and it is easy to lose our way or forget that we don’t have to do it alone. I don’t think any of us chose to be here… I know I didn’t. Yet, this is where life has landed us for now… This is where we are. Our lives are now filled with challenges we never imagined and emotions that feel overwhelming at times. So often, I think I have it all figured out, only to find that isn’t true at all. Despite the years since Bruce passed, my life is still filled with challenges, as I am sure yours is too. Learning to take it one day/moment at a time is all any of us can do.

Thankfully, I know I am not alone… None of us are… We have each other. It is our love for those we have lost that brings us together into this space where we can share our experiences. I believe the sharing of our stories is so important… I believe it is healing. Do you have a story to tell? I believe we can find courage and strength in one another’s stories. I believe we can offer each other empathy when we open our hearts to one another. I don’t know about you, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there who understand what I mean, and what I feel. It’s nice to know I’m not alone… Maybe this strikes a chord with you too. We would all love to hear your thoughts or your story. If you would like to share your experience or if you need a helping hand or maybe a virtual hug, let us know. We are here for you.