grief journey – Page 26 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love and Grief… A Birthday Present for Bruce

For as long as I knew him (and probably before that), Bruce always spent his birthday with his folks. The first year I had only known him a few months when he invited me to join him at his parents’ home to celebrate his birthday. At that time, they lived in a small town just outside Pensacola, on the Alabama side of the border, called Lillian. I was so nervous about going, but it was a magical weekend… And it wasn’t even my birthday.

During that weekend, I learned just how important family was to this man I had fallen in love with… Which only made me love him that much more. With the exception of 2011, we traveled there every year to celebrate his birthday, and it became the highlight of springtime for both us. When we were in Michigan, it was a much-needed break from the never-ending winter, while celebrating life with people we loved. Then, once we moved to Florida, it was a day’s drive over with the same results… Always a magical week filled with love, laughter, sunshine, and relaxation.

As I said, that was every year except 2011… That was the year we bought our home here in Florida. So, instead of going to their house, Bruce’s parents came here and helped us move into our new home. This time it was a sweat-filled weekend, but it was still wonderful. We joked all weekend about Bruce getting a house for his birthday gift.

Bruce and I were so excited! While we owned our condo in Michigan, it had actually been Bruce’s before we got married. This was different… It was a home… with a yard… and we had picked it out together. This was truly our home.

It isn’t a secret, (I have written about it before), before Bruce and I were married, I lost everything. Partially due to a bitter divorce and the other part was a simple lack of knowledge about my options. Either way there was a financial mess left from my first marriage. There were some things (like credit card debt I didn’t know existed) to my ex-husband’s refusal to sign paperwork (which ended in the loss of property) to a very bad investment with a family friend (which was later deemed a Ponzi scheme).

However, when I married Bruce, he introduced me to Dave Ramsey’s money management system. It was one of the most practical things I have ever learned. Throughout our marriage, Bruce still preferred to handle the household budget. Since we married later in life, we chose to keep separate accounts, while I pitched in a percentage to the family budget. All of which was fine with me… I was learning… Not just how to budget my money, but how to make it actually work for me.

So, years later when we bought this house, I was much more savvy with money, (although still learning). In my previous marriage, we had moved and purchased several homes, so I thought I knew all about buying houses. But this time, it was so different. Back then, it was about finding “the” house. A house we just “had to have.” Said house also needed to be at the top end of what we could possibly afford. (I don’t know why… That was just the mindset in my first marriage.)

However, Bruce taught me something so different. To start, he explained that we needed to find a home that we could afford on one income, just in case the time ever came when we needed to live off one income vs two. Also, (and he was very adamant about this one), don’t fall in love with a house… I can’t even begin to count the number of times he said, “We have to be willing to walk away at any point.” At first, I thought it was all kind of silly, but it proved to be the best advice ever.

When we finally decided to make the purchase, we chose a 15-year mortgage. The plan, however, was to make double payments and pay it off in seven to eight years instead. Keep in mind, during this time, Bruce was still managing the money. As a consequence, during the one and a half years we lived here together, I only asked once if we were making double payments. He said, “yes,” and I left it at that.

When he died, however, I learned that wasn’t quite true. He had made one double payment… only one. (I am guessing it was the same month I asked. LOL!) In hindsight, I know a lot of our budget went to travel, which I don’t regret for a moment. I also think I should have been pitching in more money to the budget. However, I didn’t know, and he hadn’t said a word.

Whatever the reason, when he died, I learned the truth…

But… like I said, it was okay… I don’t regret any of the travel, and difficult conversations were never easy for either of us. But at that point, I decided I was going to meet that deadline… Come hell or high water, I was going to prove to myself (and him) that we could do this.

So last week, almost 8 years to the date, (I was three days early), I made the last payment on this house… Another birthday present for Bruce… and me! As I walked out of the bank that day, and as I sat at the beach on his birthday this weekend, all I kept saying was, …

“We did it, Babe! You taught me how… You set me up for success… and we did it! Our home is really ours now!… So, Happy Birthday, Babe! I love you!”

What about you? Does the love you shared still influence how you live your life now? Did your loved one leave a legacy that set you up for success? Have you been able to accomplish a dream you both shared? If not, is that an area where you struggle or don’t know how to move forward? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… I Wish You Knew…

Are you there?

Are you listening?

Did you see me cry?

Have you felt my tears?… My pain?

Are you there?

Are you holding me when I cry?

When I am scared?

When I don’t want to take the next step?

Are you there?

Are you beside me as I lay sleeping?

As I walk on the beach?

When I call your name in the dark?

You said you’d never leave me…

So, … Are you there?

~ Linda, October 2013

Yes, it has been a long time… six years. It has taken a while to get this point, but yes, most of the time (probably 95% of the time), I am okay. I live my life and experience all the normal emotions that go with it… I get frustrated, angry, happy, excited… You name it, and if it’s a normal part of life, I am likely to experience it. That is healthy… That is normal. (And when you are on this path, “normal” in all its different forms is nice.)

But… There is one thing I do now that I never did before Bruce died…

When life gets tough and I get pissed… When I am to the point of tears while trying to figure out how to handle whatever it is alone, I find myself saying to Bruce, “I wish you were here… I wish you knew how hard this is without you!”

I know this sounds selfish… And it is usually followed with me saying, “Okay, not really… I wish no one had to ever know how hard this is. I would never wish this on you… Not really… But it is hard… You have no idea!”

Yep… It sounds pretty much just like that every time…

They say it is not unusual for widows or widowers to find themselves trying to live a life that would make their lost loved one proud. I must admit, I do that too. In fact, by this point, I can’t even say it is a conscious thing… It just is.

I don’t go into every day or every decision thinking, “What would Bruce want me to do?” No… It is much more subtle than that… It is more of a reflective thing, where afterward, I think, “Bruce would be proud of that.” Or, “That’s how Bruce would have handled that,” and I smile.

However, it’s when those really hard days hit… You know what I mean – those days when everything seems to go wrong, or those days when you have to face your fears and push forward anyway… Well, now when those days hit, I have to push forward alone. Bruce is no longer here to hold me in his arms and tell me it will all be okay. Never again will I find sanctuary in his presence – knowing that whatever one of us faced, we would both face it together.

Both of us had lived alone before we married. Both of us were strong, independent people. However, once we experienced life together, we learned what it was like to share our lives – the good times and the bad… the thrills and the burdens. Somehow going from “two facing the world” back to “one facing the world” has been a little harder than one would think.

It’s funny… Most of us never let ourselves think about the probability of finishing this life alone. (At least, I know I didn’t.) When we got married, “happily ever after” was what I had in my head. I never thought about the reality or statistics which tell us that in a marriage, one of you will die before the other… One of you will end up doing this by yourself at some point in time… One of you will end up alone.

And it’s hard… It’s hard doing life alone after you have shared it with someone you love.

Can I do it? Of course… I do it every day… And while I would never wish anything bad to have happened to Bruce, there are times when I can’t help but wonder how he would have fared if the tables had been turned… Would he miss me too? Would he remember me the way I remember him? Would he grieve?…

Would he ever find himself thinking, “This is hard… I wish you knew how hard this really is.”

Would you be as lost as me if our roles were changed?

Because I’m lost…

I keep looking for you wherever I go…

~ Linda, January 2018

What about you? Does the love you shared still influence how you live your life now? If you could thank your loved one for how they changed and added to your life, what would you say? Do you struggle with how to hold onto all of that? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Thank you

“Thank you for being the reason I smile!” ~ 365 Relationship Quotes About Happiness to Live By

During the short time Bruce and I were together, I can remember writing thank you notes to his parents for the gift of this wonderful man they had raised. Even from the beginning, I knew I wanted to thank them… They needed to know that because of their parenting, this wonderful man had blessed my life. On a constant basis throughout our marriage, Bruce and I also never missed an opportunity to thank each other for all the ways we felt blessed because of what the other person added to our life. In all honesty, I believe this simple act had the biggest impact on our more-than-successful marriage than anything else.

There is nothing quite like being appreciative and feeling appreciated to build a strong relationship… which has led me to write the following in my journal this week…

Hi Babe!

I know there are so many times, I start writing with “I miss you so much.” However, today I just wanted to say, “Thank you.”

From the moment you first said, “Hello” to our last kiss goodnight, I never doubted your love… Quite an accomplishment given the situation I came from before I knew you. Yet, because of you, I learned what love really is and how to trust again.

You had the simplest ways of showing me that love…

I will always remember the time when we were first married… I had poured you a beer and when I handed it to you, it slipped to the floor, leaving glass and beer everywhere. It was a huge mess, and my instant response was pure fear!

Based on the experiences in my first marriage, I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in… So scared of the consequences I thought would come. I sat in silence waiting for you to come bang on the door and yell at me for making such a mess. That was what I had learned before you… But that never happened. Instead, I could hear you, through the door, cleaning up the mess.

Then, quietly you came and knocked ever so gently on the door. I can’t remember the exact words you said, but hesitantly, I opened the door. Gently, you reached out, took me in your arms and just held me… And I sobbed.

Once I had calmed down, we went back into the freshly cleaned kitchen where you proceeded to pour yourself another beer. I will never forget the next thing you did… You looked me in the eye, held up the glass as if to take a drink, and simply let it go… In disbelief, I watched it crash to the floor creating another new mess. Then, you took me back in your arms and said, “Life is messy sometimes. That’s okay… We can handle that… Nothing will ever make me stop loving you.”

That was my first real memory of the unconditional love that came to envelop my world with you. In that moment, I began to understand and experience true unconditional love… A love that changed my whole world.

But my appreciation doesn’t end there. You also taught me to be a better me… Not through nagging or criticism or anything remotely close to that. You never made me feel like you wanted me to be anything different than what I was in that moment. No… It was your quiet confidence in me that encouraged me.

I learned to take chances… I learn it was okay to fail… and try again. Through it all, you just smiled and encouraged me to try again or to try the next thing. You never told me what to do or not do… You simple smiled, asked me what I wanted to do, and loved me no matter what.

At first, when you died, I was lost. I didn’t think I could do anything else without you there… I missed your encouragement and your confidence. I’m even ashamed to admit it, but in a lot of ways, I lost a lot of the ground I had gained in my own growth. However, once I finally got my feet back under myself, that started to change.

There have been a few rough starts, but rather than letting that appreciation and love fade into the background, I have once again learned to use it to become a stronger person… A better version of me…

I can’t begin to tell you how many times when I am scared to try something new – something way outside my comfort zone – I think about you… And I know… In my mind, I can see you smile with those gentle, loving eyes… In my heart, I can hear your voice telling me you believe in me… I just need to believe in myself. It is almost like you are still here by my side as I gather my courage and push forward.

Thank you for that, Babe! Thank you for building a legacy so strong and so filled with love that even death can’t stop it. Even now, you still amaze me… The way you chose to live your life and love the people around you, still influences me six years later. That is amazing… You are amazing…

I love you, Babe… Always and forever!

“But there’s another kind of love. One that gives you the courage to be better than you are, one that makes you feel that anything is possible.” ~ Michael Bliss, Nights in Rodanthe

What about you? Does the love you shared still influence how you live your life now? If you could thank your loved one for how they changed and added to your life, what would you say? Do you struggle with how to hold onto that? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Hey! Guess What!

Hey! Guess what!… I can’t even begin to tell you how many times Bruce and I said that (or some version thereof) to each other through the years. Sometimes it was followed by some random tidbit from our day, but more than likely it was followed by some kind of incredible news.

I can remember him saying it when he had made reservations for a vacation or a romantic dinner. He used it to tell about each home DIY project he had started or completed, or when he had done a repair on my car. I remember him using it when he bought my daughter her first snowboard and taught her how to use it. I even remember him using it to tell me when he landed his job in Florida. However, the best memory of him using that phrase was the very, first time I heard him say it. It was my first trip to Michigan, and he was in the middle of cooking us dinner. Next thing I knew, he was on the phone with his folks when I heard him say, “Hey! Guess what… Remember that lady I told you about? The one I met on the cruise? Well, she’s here!”

And I used it too…

I used it when I bought presents for him… or us… or the house. I used it when I landed my job in Michigan… And for each raise and promotion in my career. I remember the very, first time I used it with him, as well. We had met about 6 weeks before, and both knew we wanted to get back together face-to-face to see if what we thought we felt was actually real… “Hey! Guess what I just did! I booked a trip to fly up and see you!” Yep… the same trip I mentioned before.

Like I said, “more than likely it was followed by some kind of incredible news.” (At least, it was incredible to us.) And so many of these experiences were followed by hugs, praise, champagne… celebrations – some personal and intimate and others loud and boisterous… Whatever the occasion called for!

Surely, most of you know what I am talking about… The joy that comes from sharing good news with the person we love. However, death throws a wrench into that… So, what happens when that person is no longer there? Well, for me, that has been a hard adjustment…

I can’t even begin to tell you how many times over the last 6 years, when something incredible has happened, the first thing that goes through my head is “I can’t wait to tell Bruce!” … Then, I remember… He’s gone… I can’t tell him.

Sometimes I remember instantly, and other times it takes a little bit of time for it to sink in again. That’s hard… Sometimes I can share it with someone else, and that is wonderful. However, there are just as many times when I don’t because I’m afraid it would sound too much like bragging. So, I hold it in and celebrate quietly in my heart. (I’m sure you know what I mean.)

Well, this week held one of those “guess what” moments for me…

I spent the majority of last year fighting a battle I never saw coming. It was exactly a year ago that I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and the hardest part of that battle was doing it without Bruce. This week I had my first mammogram since all the cancer treatments ended. The day started with blood work and a mammogram and ended with an office visit with my oncologist.

It was during that visit I received the best news… “Cured” … That was the word she used, and I could have floated out the door! I have assumed for the past few months that the cancer was gone. After all the treatments, how in the world could it possibly still be there? However, I also knew there was always a chance I was wrong. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be there, would I? … And let me tell you, there was something amazing and validating about hearing her say that word!

Immediately, I thought, “I can’t wait to tell Bruce!” And just as immediately, I remembered, “No, I won’t… I can’t.”

Then, something else dawned on me… In my heart, I always feel like he is here – beside me… watching over me. People might say it is all in my head, but I would argue that it isn’t… And if I am right, then that means, he knows…

So instead, I used a phrase which I have started using more and more… In my mind, I smiled and thought, “Guess what, Babe… Did you hear that? WE DID IT! It’s gone!”

Is this something I can share with anyone? Of course, it is… And of course, I did. I blasted it on Face Book, and people are wonderfully joyous with me. However, this is also one of those things that only my closest friends and family, (those who walked beside me through it all), can understand the enormity of that word and how much it meant to me.

Not having Bruce beside me physically throughout this journey was hard. From the “I hate to tell you, but you have cancer” to the “I am so happy to say you are cured” felt like a surreal dream – an impossible journey. I’m embarrassed to say there were even times I was angry with Bruce for leaving me here to do it alone…

But each time, there was a still, small voice reminding me that I was not alone… I have never been alone… I have been surrounded by family and friends… My faith tells me my God is beside me…

… And my heart tells me Bruce is here too.

So, guess what! … We did it!

What about you? Do you have those moments when you can’t wait to tell your loved one some piece of fantastic news only to realize in the next breath that will never happen? Do you ever struggle with how to handle that? If so, you’re not alone… We all know this journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. None of us are alone, because we have each other. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Finding the Good

I don’t think a single week has gone by in the past six years where Bruce has not been on my mind. Life has moved on, but my heart still aches for him… I miss him! I can’t help it, and I can’t stop it. I’ve moved past the depression and seemingly, unending sadness of grief, but I still miss him.

I miss so many things about him… about us. I miss the way he held me in his arms. I miss snuggling on the couch as we watched TV. I miss sitting together on the beach and the thrill of riding beside him on the boat. I miss traveling to new places together as much as dancing barefoot in our own kitchen.

If I look at all the things I miss, I think it all boils down to missing our friendship… The way we knew each other inside and out… The subtle glances which spoke a thousand words or the touch which communicated more than words ever could. There was a connection between us that (I believe) is rare… At least for me… I’ve never had a connection with anyone that ran so deep.

He was a man of few words and his actions always spoke louder than any words. Because of that, he never said anything he didn’t mean. Which meant he wasn’t one for throwing out compliments just to fill space. When he gave one, there was no doubt he meant it.

Knowing that, the kind words he gave me filled my heart. He never hesitated to tell me when he was proud of something I had achieved or when he thought I looked particularly pretty. Don’t get me wrong… He always made me feel loved and appreciated. It’s just that when he said something… when he took the time to point it out, I knew it was extra special.

As you might imagine, over the past six years, I have grown accustomed to not hearing those things… Not on a constant basis, anyway. But this week, I came to realize how wrong I am…

My little cube at work is near the front of the building, near one of two entryways. This means a good portion of the office walks past my desk each day. And since I am one of the first ones there, I get to say good morning to almost all of them. (I love it!)

One morning this week, a co-worker came in and stopped by my desk for a moment. Then, with tears in her eyes, she completely humbled me as she gave me the biggest compliment… She began to share how my life (and the way I live it) had affected hers in a positive way.

I’m not telling you this to brag… I think she sees me as way better than I really am. Instead, I tell you this because after she walked away, I began to think… At first, I thought about how rare it is that we tell each other such things. So often in today’s world we look for the negative… I see it on social media and in real life – in restaurants, in stores, pretty much anywhere.

If someone has a different opinion, religion, sexual preference, etc… The back lash and “offended” people come out of the woodwork. People say things to each other or post things which they would never say face to face.

I have many friends from all walks of life, and I love and respect them all. I love the fact that knowing and learning to understand other lifestyles and points of view has changed my own. I love how my world has expanded because of my friends and their vast differences.

So, it saddens me when I see the negativity some people are willing to throw out there. Yet, when something like this is written or said about that negativity, one’s own behavior never seems to register as a problem… It just seems to be a blind spot.

That’s when I realized my own blind spot… No, I don’t believe I throw a lot of negativity out there… At least, I try really hard not to. What I’m talking about is my own inability to see and hear the good… the positive… It’s out there! I know it is… I know a lot of people who make a conscious effort to put it out there daily.

I also, began to think about how kind and loving my friends and family truly are. I have been so caught up in the fact that Bruce is no longer the one to give me those positives that I think I have missed a lot… I know there is a lot of give and take with the compliments and kudos with my family and friends. Yet, over the years, I have somehow convinced myself that there was a difference between their positives and Bruce’s. I would say it was it was hard to explain; then never fully accept the positive love coming my way.

Why? I wish I knew… Maybe it was the grief… Maybe it was my own self-pity… Whatever it was, if I am honest, I must admit that the only difference was in how I chose to accept it… That was it…

It simply boils down to how I chose to view it and accept it… In other words, I miss Bruce. There is no doubt I will always love and miss him. But… that doesn’t mean I need to close my heart to the love that is offered to me daily by those around me. Why would I? … Why have I? I don’t know… But I do know this… I am the one who can choose to look at the positives being offered rather than the negatives…

Bruce and I loved each other… That was a blessing beyond any dream I could ever have. The only way I know to say “thank you” or repay that blessing is to put that same love out there… So, my goal this week is to find the good, hold onto it for a moment as it warms my heart… Then, send it back out into the world for someone else. Because when all is said and done, that is the best way I know to live this life…

What about you? Do you ever struggle with focusing on the positive or finding the good? Do you purposely find the good or do you have to work to focus on it? This journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. We are NOT alone. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.
This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… What to Focus On

Do you ever have one of those weeks where everything seems to go wrong? Well, for me, this was one of those weeks. The whole week has felt like an uphill battle…

It started on Monday with a dentist appointment that seemed destined not to happen. It has been rescheduled multiple times (by them, not me). The Thursday prior, they had called to remind me. (Thank goodness!) During that conversation, I thanked her because I had mixed up the dates in my head due to all the reschedules. However, my calendar confirmed she was right, and all was well. Therefore, you can imagine my shock when I walked in for my noon appointment, and the receptionist said, “You don’t have an appointment today.”

There was a part of me that almost believed her. Instead, I reminded her that she had called me to remind me. “Are you sure,” she asked. “I don’t think you are one of our patients. Maybe you’re supposed to be at our other office.”

“I am one of your patients,” I responded. “You cleaned my teeth in July, inspected a crown in December and have rescheduled this appointment several times over the last few months.”

“I don’t think so,” she replied. At this point, even I was beginning to doubt myself. So, I pulled out the card they gave me along with my phone and read out the number that had called me on Thursday. “Oh, that’s us,” was all she said.

At this point, the office manager got involved. There was some more “you-must-be-mistaken” conversation, before she finally shrugged and said, “Just reschedule her again.”

To say I was frustrated at both the situation and their lack of customer service would be an understatement! But the appointment was rescheduled for Wednesday, only two days away… And what a disaster that turned out to be.

In the middle of the cleaning, the hygienist left to take a call. As I lay there waiting for over 20 minutes, I was worried on her behalf for whatever emergency would pull her away. However, when she returned, I learned it was not an emergency… Just bad service. Then to top it all off, when the dentist came in, he was so enamored with himself, I couldn’t get a word in edgewise to discuss my concerns about my teeth. The whole appointment was a train wreck!

And that was just the beginning of the week… There were frustrations at work – nothing big really… Just one thing behind the next and no time to catch my breath. I began to feel like Charlie Brown when Lucy convinces him to kick the football while she pulls it away… over and over and over. Do you know what I mean?

Then there was yesterday… I went to have my taxes done. First, my taxes are simply. I don’t need to itemize, and they always use the short form. Even with all the medical expenses this past year, there was still no need to itemize.

However, the woman doing my taxes messed them up repeatedly. First, I owed over $2000. Then I was getting back $115. Then I owed $285. It was crazy! She kept asking the other representative for help, sending me home, calling me to come back, and sending me home again. The craziest part – as I write this my taxes still aren’t done, and the lack of competence and professionalism has left me dumbfounded!

After all the negativity and craziness this week, I decided I needed some time at the beach… Some “me time” in the place where Bruce and I spent so much time. For years, the beach has been that place for me. It is the place I seek out when the world becomes more than I can handle. It is the place where I can relax… and breathe… and let the beach and tides work their magic…

I sat there watching the rhythm of the waves as the tide worked its way out, and the magic started… I began to realize I can focus on all the crap that has happened this week, (and there was certainly a lot of that), or I can find those moments where someone or something made me smile…

For example, on the way to the beach I stopped to get a sandwich to take to the beach. I almost didn’t stop because the manager is usually a grump, and I didn’t need more of that. But today, he was all smiles – laughing and joking with me the whole time. Before I left, I thanked him for making me smile. However, I don’t think he realized what a huge difference it made for me – Just a smile… Just a kind word… But it really turned my heart around.

And at work… My boss was more than understanding about the multiple dental appointments and allowed me to work from home in order to make it all work. I also received a gift from a coworker. I always use the quote “Not my circus, not my monkeys” as a reminder to stay out of stuff that isn’t our business. Well, my coworker made me a cup with my name on one side and a twist to the quote on the other, “Looks like that is my circus and these are my monkeys after all.” It makes me laugh every time I use it!

Then, there are the many hugs and kind words from my grandson, my daughter, and my son this week. I even managed some great phone conversations with my other two daughters and my sister – all wonderful, fabulous additions to my week!

But one of the best things that happened this week only happens once or twice a year. Sometimes it is a dream about Bruce, sometimes it is subtle symbols, and other times it happens like this… I was home alone and just waking up from a nap. As I lay there with my eyes still closed, I felt something touch my hand. Then, there was a warmth that spread, and it felt like something was holding my hand. I wasn’t scared, but I didn’t dare move… I didn’t want the moment to end, because I knew… Every now and then I am blessed… I knew it was Bruce… And I would swear I could feel him hug me close. It didn’t last long – probably less than a minute or two, but I relished every moment.

I know most people will think I am nuts and not believe a bit of this… And there are those who will feel compassionate and swear it must have been a dream… And there will be a (very) few who will believe me. Honestly, it doesn’t matter… Whatever it was, it was beautiful! And in those moments, all the love and honesty and friendship we shared came flooding back… And I smiled because we loved each other once… and that hasn’t changed.

As I remembered that moment, I realized that this week I could focus on all the negative. However, I believe I was blessed with a lot of positives too, especially this one… and that is what I will choose to focus on as this week comes to a close.

What about you? Do you ever struggle with focusing on the positive? Do you have a place where you can go to find your center and remember all the blessings in your life? This journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. We are not alone. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Stop! Just Stop…

Most mornings, once I get to work, I enjoy a nice, steamy cup of herbal tea. I get there before most people, so it is a quiet, peaceful way to start the workday. On the particular brand I drink, there are short quotes printed on the paper tabs. This week, one of those tabs read, “Love is an experience of infinity.” So much truth in such a simple statement, and it really hit home with me.

I think it is what I have hoped to help people understand with my writing… Love is not a switch to be turned on and off – It just is… It goes on and on no matter how much time passes…

When Bruce first died, my whole world stopped…

It was like we were cruising down the highway one moment, and suddenly stopped the next. We didn’t even get a chance to put on the brakes to slow down. It was more like hitting a brick wall – head on and at full speed… We went from 70 mph to 0 in an instant. If you can imagine the devastation that would result from such a crash, then maybe you can understand the grief that followed it.

When my world stopped, it took a few days to realize that the world outside had continued on as if nothing had happened… The birds sang. The ocean tides came and went. The sun rose and set. People went to work. People went jogging outside the window. They were laughing and playing and arguing… and living.

I struggled… How could they just keep on going as if nothing had happened? I wanted the world to stop… Just stop… Just for one minute! Just for a moment… Just honor and remember this man who had meant so much to me… This man whom I loved… This man who made up my world… I wanted to shout it out loud. I wanted to yell it from the mountain tops, “Stop! Please, just stop! Just give me a moment… Give him a moment… Just remember… Just for a moment.”

But I didn’t shout, and the world didn’t stop.

I tried to explain how I felt, and the people who cared listened… but they didn’t really get it. They tried… And they said all the “right things” which were supposed to help. I was told, “It will get better,” “Time will heal,” “You will move on in time,” and on and on the sayings went.

But those are just sayings… As time has passed, I must say that it really hasn’t gotten better; time has not healed anything… Not really… and move on from what? From loving him? From missing him? What is that even supposed to mean?

I didn’t and still don’t understand that thought process… Instead, I learned to take my grief to quiet place deep inside. I share it here with you, but that is about it… I don’t really talk about it very often and when I do, it is with a very select group of people.

The truth is my healing has been slow and not what I thought it would be… There is a part of me that will always be frozen in time… Observing life around me and deciding which parts I want to participate in and which I do not. I know how precious and fragile life is and how important it is not to waste a moment of it. This journey has left me feeling more courageous in my choices… And with a deep gratitude for each moment I get to spend with those I love.

The world will never stop for those we love… And we can never stop loving them… And each day the journey continues, and life becomes a little more real.

How do I live without your love?
One breath at a time…
~ Linda, December 2013

What about you? Did you experience that feeling of needing the world to stop? Do you ever feel like you are on the outside looking in? This journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. We are not alone. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Special Days, Special Memories

This week held a very special anniversary for Bruce and me… It was the anniversary of that first “I love you.” No, I’m not so crazy that I can remember every moment and every conversation. However, that particular conversation was one we both reminisced about quite often… And every time I think about it, I smile all over again.

We had just met about six weeks earlier on a cruise through the Virgin Islands. Our connection had been almost instantaneous. By the end of the week, even the crew and other passengers on board had noticed. I must admit, when Bruce mentioned continuing the relationship after the cruise, I was not only hesitant… I literally ran away and hid in my cabin until time to disembark the next morning. The idea of getting into a serious relationship again terrified me!

I remember crying all the way home, thinking I was probably running away from the best thing that had ever walked into my life. Bruce later told me, he was frustrated with himself for scaring me, and afterwards, all he could think about was how wonderful the week had been and how much he would treasure those memories.

Once I was home, it didn’t take more than a day or so for me to reach out to him via email and ask if we could slow it down… Could we just get to know each other? Then, see where things went from there? I explained that after 23+ years in an abusive marriage, I just didn’t know if I even wanted to think about loving someone again… I just wanted to experience life a little bit and figure out exactly what I wanted next.

He was wonderful… He told me that was fine. He made me feel like he not only understood but agreed that I should take my time. We spent the next several weeks talking on the phone and emailing each other. By February, we both decided we wanted to see if there really was something there or if it had merely been a shipboard romance. (I guess “time” wasn’t really what I needed… I just needed to feel like it was my option if I wanted it.)

So, for Presidents’ Day weekend, I flew to Michigan…

I remember being so scared! What if I got there, and he wasn’t who he said he was or who I thought he was? What if things got weird? What if it was a bust?… But… Then again… What if it were wonderful?

I will always remember walking down the corridor at the airport, and there was Bruce, leaning against the wall, watching the disembarking passengers walk toward him. As soon as he spotted me, his eyes lit up, and he smiled like a Cheshire cat.

The weekend was absolutely wonderful… a fairy tale come true. Our first “land” date was a weekend filled with exploring western Michigan… Which is beautiful, by the way! There were so many “firsts” for me. Later he told me that my excitement and wonder was contagious and had allowed him to see his own home state with fresh eyes.

I saw Lake Michigan filled with icebergs and surrounded by snowy beaches, (something I had never even imagined). We went to an ice carving competition, followed by a cozy pub where we could warm up and enjoy some spiced cider. One night we went out with his sisters (whom I loved instantly) and another night he cooked for me – fish he had caught and peas he had grown. For me, this man seemed so perfect, and I couldn’t believe how blessed I was.

On Saturday night, after a day of fun and laughter, Bruce and I were snuggled up on the couch just relaxing. Quietly, he looked straight into my eyes, touched my cheek gently and said, “I don’t want to scare you off,… But I really think I am falling in love you.”

“I’m not scared,” I answered. “I’m falling in love with you, too.”

And as they say… The rest is history…

Our years together were wonderful. Both of us knew what we wanted in our relationship and worked to keep it. It wasn’t always easy, but we talked about that too. Losing him has been the hardest thing I have ever had to learn to live with. Yet, I am so grateful to be able to say I have no regrets when it comes to “us” and our time together. I know we both appreciated each moment we shared.

I know that physically, Bruce is gone… That is my reality… But in my heart, I can still hear him say, “I love you,” … and I know he is still with me…

In each breeze, let me feel your touch.
In each sunrise, let me experience your joy.
In each storm, let me feel your strength.
In the quiet, let me hear your voice telling me –
All is well…
Each moment was planned.
Each smile was for me.
And your acceptance of life was a gift
To help me through this storm.
I loved you…
And even now,
You love me.
~ Linda, September 2013

What about you? Do you have a special memory that brings you comfort? This journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. We are not alone. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. * Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Not Just Another Day

I really miss him this week…

It’s weird… Some weeks are just harder than others… Like this week. There’s no reason, really. I can’t even blame it on Valentine’s Day. To be honest, I totally forgot about Valentine’s Day until about 4:30 pm on the 13th. Which resulted in my grandson and I (and all the other last-minute people) hunting for just the right cards and candy from what was left on the shelf. (Which was just another ridiculously funny story in itself.) It was all fine though… We both seemed to find exactly what we wanted quite quickly and the evening continued.

This is where it gets strange (at least, for me). In the past, I would spend the days before every holiday dreading it… Not just dreading the pain I knew I would feel, but also wishing the day would pass by quickly, or even better, just go away.

Even last year, I spent several days leading up to any holiday anxious and grieving and absolutely dreading what I “knew” was coming. But then the day would come (and go), and it was never as bad as I thought it was going to be. The energy wasted would leave me emotionally drained for days… and for WHAT??

Without fail, someone always remembers me and makes me feel special.

Then there is this year… As I have written over the last few weeks, I have been learning to do the whole “let it go and be at peace” thing. So, this holiday was my first inclination that it is working and just how different my life has become. I have been learning to live each moment as they come – not being anxious about something ten steps ahead that I can’t avoid anyway.

So, when I finally did remember about Valentine’s Day, my thoughts went to helping my grandson celebrate the day and send love to the special people in his life… And by doing so, I got caught up in the thrill of doing the same.

When I woke up on Valentine’s Day, it was fine… I was fine… I knew I was okay. Sure, there were a few tears… Not because I was worried about being forgotten… It was simply a matter of missing him. (And those are tears I have learned to control.) So, I let myself cry in the shower just a little bit before I moved on with my day.

I get to work fairly early. Yet when I walked in, the office was already filled with balloons and flowers waiting on the desks of most of my co-workers… It made me smile… Knowing what it feels like to love and be loved, I can’t help myself when I see those same feelings being expressed by others.

But the biggest surprise was on my own desk… an “I love you” balloon and a beautiful bouquet of flowers… And the tears came… I hadn’t even realized they were waiting, but I guess they were. To be remembered… To be reminded you are loved (even when you already know it in your heart) is a precious thing!

It is something Bruce did a lot! And I don’t believe I ever took it for granted. I had spent too many years in a marriage where love didn’t exist. So, when I met Bruce… And when we fell in love, it was incredibly precious to me… And still is. I think that is why, six plus years later, he is still on my mind and in my heart… especially this week.

My heart is still his… Happy Valentine’s Day, Babe! I love you… always and forever!

I felt you today.
I felt the warmth of your smile,
And it made me laugh…
Thank you!
~ Linda, January 2018

What about you? We all know the holidays can magnify our grief and our loss is front and center again in our lives. How do you handle that? Do you struggle to keep peace in your heart? Do you accept it and just let the tears fall? This journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. We are not alone. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note. *

Who knows? Your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Will We Ever Understand?

When Bruce and I first met, one of the things we had in common was being health conscious. I was a runner. He was into body building. And we were both all about eating healthy. Admittedly, he was better about the eating part than I was… (I love sweets and Publix fried chicken.) However, he wasn’t a big fan of desserts or fried foods. He didn’t drink sodas and rarely had caffeine. (I was a Diet Mt Dew junkie.) Don’t get me wrong, he had his vices like the rest of us, but most of the time, he ate right and was constantly looking for ways to improve.

Early on in our relationship, I learned that he had high blood pressure (and, evidently, had for years). But it didn’t seem to slow him down, and I knew lots of people with HBP. Because of his job, he was required to have a physical every year by the company. Plus, he would have a second one by his own physician, putting him in front of a doctor every six months. To all of us, he appeared to be in great health… And very determined to stay that way.

Because of all that, his death came as quite a shock to all of us!

As for me, I was completely dumbfounded! How in the world does someone so healthy go to bed laughing and just never wake up again? I couldn’t understand it. I remember the ER doctor telling me it appeared that Bruce had suffered a heart attack, but the Medical Examiner would need to do an autopsy to confirm the cause of death.

In my naïve bubble of grief, I thought that would take just a few days… Boy, was I wrong.

I remember lamenting on FB after a month or so that we still had no answer. Some people understood the frustration and were quite encouraging with stories of their own. Then, there were others who sent me private messages telling me to “let it go” … “What difference did it make why he died, the outcome was going to remain the same.”

But, for me, it did matter! I needed to know why… It made no sense. Surely, there would be some hidden reason for his death… Surely, there would be an answer to all my questions.

Four months (and several phone calls later), just days before what would have been his birthday, I received a call from the medical examiner. He explained that Bruce’s heart had been enlarged – “almost twice the size it should have been.” He went on to explain how Bruce’s high blood pressure had contributed to that and how when his heart gave out and stopped that night there was nothing I could have done to save him.

We talked about how I had done CPR, and how in my own eyes, I had failed Bruce. He told me the only way Bruce could have survived would have been to have a heart transplant before his heart stopped. “Once it stopped,” he told me, “it was not going to restart. Nothing could have saved Bruce at that point.”

It was nice to have an answer, but I still found myself with more and more questions. I remember finding paperwork for some heart tests Bruce’s doctor had ordered (and Bruce had never done), but I didn’t really know what else there was to learn. My sister (a nurse) looked at the medications and supplements he was taking at the time, but there was nothing abnormal about those either.

Bruce’s Mom suggested I talk to Bruce’s doctor and see what he would tell me. I was hesitant at first. Bruce was always big on his privacy. He shared what he wanted to share and no more. He did share some things about his doctors’ visits with me, but if I pushed too much for details, he would just get quiet… But he was dead now… Was it really okay for me to ask? It felt like I was prying, but I really wanted to know if his doctor could tell me anything more.

It took me a while, but I finally managed to get the courage to call. The conversation was actually pretty short. Even though he was affiliated with the hospital where Bruce was taken, he had not been notified of Bruce’s death. By this time, it had been well over a year since he had seen Bruce, and he said he didn’t really remember too much about their last visit.

That was it?? … Yep, that was it…

Jump to the more recent past… Bruce’s Mom sent me a note asking if I had a copy of the autopsy report. I didn’t. Then, she asked if I would mind if she requested one. I didn’t mind at all… In fact, I asked her if she would mind sharing it with me when she received it. (I must tell you – she is a doll! She has always been so respectful to me as Bruce’s wife that she even confirmed my approval one more time, before she actually hit “Submit” for her request.)

I don’t know what I expected… I guess I just assumed we would have the same slow response as we did with the initial autopsy answers. I was wrong. The document came back the next day…

That was Thursday. Thankfully, I was home that day, because as I read through the document, the tears began to fall…

While it had a lot of detail in it, I can’t say there was a lot of new information. Except this…

I had to look up a lot of medical terms. As I looked those up, the medical examiner’s initial information made more sense. In fact, as I did more and more research, I learned a lot. I started to realize, we (maybe just me) had missed a lot of the signs that something was wrong.

I’ve always said, I thought Bruce knew something… After doing some research, I am even more convinced he knew something wasn’t right. I won’t say he knew what it was, but I definitely believe he knew something was wrong and his time was limited.

I don’t know how I feel about this report… I guess I had hoped it might bring a little more closure. But instead, I have found myself re-living a lot of those initial questions and feelings. Admittedly, it’s been hard to have all that brought back to the forefront of my mind again. Yet, at the same time, there is some relief to have a better understanding of what happened.

I don’t really know… I’m still trying to process what I know now and deal with this renewed sense of grief… It may be a hard few days ahead… I’m just praying for the strength to see it through and for some sense of peace…

What about you? We all know there will be times when our loved one’s death is front and center again in our lives. How do you handle that? Do you struggle to keep peace in your heart? Do you accept it and just let the tears fall? This journey is hard, but it is even harder to bear alone. I believe we are in this together. We are not alone. Please feel free to reach out and share your story or thoughts. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.* Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief