grief journey – Page 43 – Peace, Love & Grief

Peace, Love and Grief… Freaky Friday lessons to learn

I used to be one of those people who would panic at everything… I would cry at the drop of a hat and avoid confrontation like the plague. After the abuse in my first marriage, I remember my counselor telling me that was a normal response to the years of walking on eggshells… of never knowing what would be the next thing to set off a tyrade in our home. During that time of recovery, that information was comforting – knowing that I wasn’t crazy. However, I still found myself frustrated with my own behavior. I knew this was not how I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

When Bruce and I got married, his trustworthiness and steadfast character helped a lot. With time, I learned to handle more and more, but it was still baby steps… and if I felt overwhelmed, he was always there – ready to be my hero.

Then, in a flash one night, he was gone… and I was left all alone to handle whatever came along. At first it was really hard… there were times when I was so angry at him for leaving me here to figure it out by myself. Other times – like this last week – I just felt like it was too much… I found myself missing him more than usual and asking him “why?” Why did he leave?”… and “how in the world was I supposed to do this all by myself?”

I believe life has a way of teaching and reteaching us certain lessons. One of those lessons is the idea that God/ Source/ the universe has our back. (Choose whatever term you prefer.) For me, that was made abundantly clear just a couple of days ago as one of my daughters, my grandson and I made our annual trek to the Shark Tooth Capital of the world.

Wanting to get there early, we left our home at 5:30 am and took the toll road around the city to avoid any big-city, rush-hour traffic. About 30 minutes into the trip, the normal, traveling complaints started from the backseat… You know what I’m talking about – the “How much longer?” and “I’m hungry” whining.

Then came the one everyone hates to hear… The one that can create instant panic – “I’m gonna be sick.”

WHOA! I pulled over, he and his mother climbed out and he hung over the guard rail waiting… but there was nothing. (Whew!) After a few minutes, they climbed back in. We handed him a bag (just in case) and started again.

A few minutes later came “I HAVE TO POOP! NOW!!!!”

“Can you wait for the exit?”

“NO! I HAVE TO GO NOW!”

So I pulled over again. They climbed out again… And the required attempt was made… but no luck. After a few minutes, they climbed back in. He picked up the bag and settled in as we started off again.

Then, a few minutes later it happened… he lost it. Thankfully, he managed to get it all into the bag, but… ugh! Just as he was telling us how much better he felt now, we heard another sound… like rocks hitting the car. Moments later, the dreaded low-tire light came on. We had blown a tire… The result of a nail in the road. We were between exits and not close to anything.

I pulled over and called my insurance company for Roadside Assistance. The call went through fine. However, when I was transferred to the R.A. vendor, the line filled with static. I couldn’t hear a thing. I hung up and took a breath. “Where are you, Babe?” I thought. “I could really use your help right now… This is becoming a disaster, and I don’t know if I can do this.”

I tried the call again with the same result. However, this time the woman on the other end called me back, and the line was clear. She was able to confirm our location quickly and stated that once she located an available company, she would call us back.

We all took a breath and settled in for “the wait.” At just that moment, my daughter stated, “They’re here.” Sure enough – help had arrived. However, instead of the help promised by the insurance company, it was an FDOT Road Ranger. What a blessing! Rather than merely removing the blown tire and putting on my spare, he was actually able to repair the tire within just a few minutes.

There are two things I need to tell you here… Two things that signaled we were not alone in this situation. First, while we were waiting, we looked at the horizon and realized we were being entertained with a hot air balloon race. How BEAUTIFUL!

Second, Bruce always said that when he first became a truck driver, they were considered the “Knights of the Road” – ready to help anyone stranded on the side of the road. He had loved upholding that image. However, he was always frustrated that reputation had not only been lost years ago, it had been turned on its head – leaving truckers with a bad image. In my mind, this Road Ranger was our “Knight in Shining Armor” our “Knight of the Road.”

Without a doubt, I know God took care of us and sent help. I, also, know Bruce had his hand in this, too… maybe as a reminder that he is still nearby – still watching out for us.

As we started back on our way again, we laughed and shook our heads. We were not even an hour into our trip, but we were sure that would be it. We could be thankful that everything was fine and just enjoy the rest of our trip.

But that was not “it”… our “Freaky Friday” had just begun…

As the day progressed, we found ourselves dealing with a GPS that either thought our car was also part boat or just went on the fritz for a few minutes – either way, we ended up lost… with a body of water between us and our destination. No worries, though. We were only a few minutes off track, so we turned around – a little later than we planned but no harm, no foul.

Finally, we arrived at our favorite spot. This is our third year making this trip, so we have this down to a science. We have a wagon filled with everything we need for 2 – 3 hours of sharktooth hunting at our spot. “Our spot” is actually hothing more than a hot, open field – a desert, as my grandson calls it. But we do not have this field to ourselves… There is a path through this field that locals say leads to a nude beach.

Through the years, we have seen people walk up and down this path (always clothed). Sometimes, we have talked to them. Sometimes, we just kept on hunting. On this day, as we were hunting, my daughter did one of those whisper-screams, “Naked man!” Then, she jumped up and went to her son to “casually” divet his attention (and his eyes). As for me, (I must admit) I looked up… and giggled. Then, I quickly looked down, pulled the brim of my hat lower and pretended not to notice. BUT SERIOUSLY! Who walks nude through a public area? At what point on the path did he decide “Now is the time to take it all off?” OR did he walk that way from his car? Who does that?

Once he was gone, we all giggled like 5 year olds and went back to what we were doing… each hunting in our own space. Suddenly, my daughter cried out from the other side of the field. As I ran over, she stopped me. “It’s a rattle snake,” she whispered and pointed into a gopher tortoise hole directly in front of her. As she had approached the hole, she heard it, jumped back and spilled the shark’s teeth she had already found. I slowly walked over. Sure enough, the snake was just inside the hole. I helped her gather up her spilled teeth as the snake, slithered deeper into the hole.

That was close! Think what you will, but once again, God had shown us that he was in control.

What a weird day… Surely that was it! But no – the craziness didn’t end there.

As we were sitting on the restaurant patio for dinner, there was a sudden BANG. Everyone on the patio jumped… We may all be on vacation, but recent news events still hover in the backs of everyone’s minds. Then, the waiter (with a look of total relief) yelled, “It’s just a tree!” Sure enough, it was nothing more than a VERY large branch that had fallen next to the patio. We all laughed nervously and looked at each other a bit sheepishly. But in all honestly, I think we all knew that while we were fine, the odds of it being something more serious were real…

What a weird day! What a “Freaky Friday!” In the past, I would have probably cried over most of this… or at the very least, I would have let it affect my attitude for the whole weekend. Yet I couldn’t deny that over and over God had shown us that he was in control.

After a week of wondering if I could do this alone, God was reminding me that I am not alone. I don’t do anything alone. He is always there… He is the one in control.

I have heard many times that we all have lessons that we must learn. If we don’t learn them the first time, life will continue to present that lesson over and over until we’ve mastered it. So, maybe this is my lesson… I’m not alone. I don’t need to worry or panic. God has my back, and he is in control.

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with trying to handle it all after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… What would you change?

Let me start by apologizing for posting this week’s blog a day late. I have spent the past few days vacationing with my sisters on a quiet, remote beach… which has become my topic for today. Prior to this weekend, I had started writing about something completely different, but (just like life itself) something happened to changed my plans.

This trip is actually a yearly trek. In fact, every summer for almost a decade now, the four of us have come together from three of the four corners of the U.S. It is our time… It is a girls’ weekend that includes relaxing, napping, beach time and cocktails. But my absolute favorite part is the deep, intimate conversations… conversations with people I trust… conversations that are safe because I know no matter what anyone says, we will not only still love each other… we will actually love each other deeper because we know each other more completely.

Some of these conversations “just happen.” You know what I mean… one thing leads to another, and without realizing how you got there, you find yourselves in the middle of something very deep and extremely intimate. Other times we start asking random questions that can evoke hysterically funny “confessions” or the same deep personal conversations mentioned above.

While those conversations are only between the four of us, and that is where they shall remain, I do want to share my thought process to one of those conversation-starting questions… The question was, “If you could change anything about your past – anything you have done, anything you have experienced, anything that has happened – what would it be?

You might that is a “no-brainer.” Surely, I would say “Bring Bruce back”… Or to have never experienced the abuse and divorce of my first marriage… Or to have never lost my first son… Or to have never experienced such severe financial loss years ago… In other words, to have never experienced the most painful points or periods of my life… But I didn’t.

While I have spent many hours wishing these things had not happened, wondering “why me” and thinking “God must hate me,” I have (over the last several months) come to realize that these horrible, horrible things – these things that created such pain – are the exact things that allowed me to grow and become a better me.

Do I wish I had never experienced financial loss? OF COURSE! I’ve written about the hopelessness involved when I woke up one day to find my investments were not real – I was responsible for four children and all my money was gone. Yet, through that experience I learned how to handle my money. I learned that there was more to handling money than getting paid, paying bills and buying stuff. I learned to be involved in my investments and how to budget and plan. I learned that when I am in control of my money, I do not have “money worries.” In other words, I have learned how to have financial freedom… I don’t think I would have ever learned that lesson without that awful experience to literally throw me down that particular road.

So would I really wish that experience away? When I was in the middle of it, I would have… I was scared and everything before me seemed impossible. But now that I am on the other side, I have to say, “No. I do not wish that experience away.”

What about the loss of my first child? Do I ever wish that had never happened? OF COURSE! I have written about the excitement of carrying a life inside you and looking forward to holding and loving that child. I have also written about the awful pain and sadness of losing that life in childbirth… of never holding that child, never touching his fingers and toes or never kissing his brow. For years, I didn’t acknowledge or grieve my little boy… It wasn’t until Bruce died that I began to work through the plethora of emotions from that experience. But even that part of the experience taught me a lot about death and grief… I learned that shoving emotions aside and pretending everything is okay, is not okay. Emotions are real… They have a way of taking on a life of their own when they are not acknowledged. I would not have believed it, if I hadn’t lived it. However, I finally learned that I had to deal with the pent up emotions of losing of Baby Matthew before I could even start to deal with the pain of losing of Bruce.

So would I really wish that experience away? I don’t know that I would… I now know that each loss experience helps prepare you for the next. How you learn to handle grief and loss early in life, will either leave you prepared or unprepared for to handle the losses later in life. This was a huge lesson! I didn’t learn it when it happened but I still had to learn it… even though it was years, no – decades, later.

Well surely, I must have wished I had never experienced the abuse and divorce of my first marriage, right? No… I can’t say that either. I have written about the terror, the pain and the after-effects of that experience. It was horrendous. There were things that happened in that household that should never happen… I am not saying those things are okay – They ARE NOT! However, what I am saying is out of that relationship, came four of the most amazing and wonderful children who are now four of the most amazing and wonderful adults. I cannot imagine my world without them. Another thing also emerged out of that relationship – a better me. It took years (and Bruce), but I learned to be strong. I learned to stand up for myself. Most importantly, I learned that my “being afraid” was what gave my first husband his perceived “power.” As soon as I learned to stop being afraid, I took my own power back, and he lost all perception of any power in my life. He is not a threat to me… I am no longer afraid.

So would I really wish that experience away? No. Somewhere earlier in my life, I somehow learned that I didn’t have enough value to hold onto my own “power.” I learned to give it away, and in my first marriage, I gave it to someone who abused it. Learning “I have value and no one has power in my life that I do not give to them” was a lesson I had to learn. It took years and it was a horrible experience, but that was a lesson that I had to learn or I was destined to relive it over and over.

And finally, what about losing Bruce? Surely, that is the experience, I would change! Honestly, I wish that he were still here every day. I still love him, and I miss him terribly. But if I am honest, there have been a lot of positive changes in my life – lessons I have learned because the grief in this loss has forced me to look deep inside myself… To really look at who I am, what I believe and how to live a genuine life. I believe this has been the hardest experience of all. I have hated and resisted every step. I still hate it. However, I no longer resist the lessons… In fact, I not only seem to be open to the lessons, I actually find myself pursuing the next lesson.

So would I really wish that experience away? If I am honest, a huge part of me would still say, “Yes.” … Maybe it is still too early… may be it is too fresh… maybe with time, like the other experiences, I will give a different answer… But I don’t think so. I think I will always wish Bruce were still by my side – laughing with me, encouraging me and loving me. But I also, believe the fact that I can see anything positive at all in this experience… that I have become stronger instead of curling up inside myself is huge.

I love who I have become through this experience… I know this side of me is what Bruce always saw deep inside me and loved. I believe his legacy is the reason I have grown. Because of this loss and his legacy, I have come to realize that each experience – good or bad – has held a lesson for me and has made me who I am today.

So maybe I would change this experience, but at least I am able to see the good that has resulted because of his life… and that has to count for something doesn’t it?

What about you? Have you ever asked yourself what you would change if you could? Or have you learned to see the positive in each situation? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Does it have to be emotions on or off?

I feel like I am going crazy. My emotions have been on hyper mode since this started. If I am sad, it is extreme. If I am happy, it is extreme. If I am angry, it is extreme. No matter the emotion, it is to the extreme. It seems like the only way to have any control at all is to shut them down completely. I hate it. Can anyone tell me if this is a normal part of grieving?
~ Linda, April 16, 2013

I remember this feeling so well… I also remember it lasted for well over a year. I also know that I still have the occasional day like this…

The other day I was having on of “those” days. I am sure you know what I mean… It was one of those days where life really isn’t bad, but for whatever reason, I seemed to miss Bruce more than normal. All I wanted to do was crawl back into bed and cry. Yes, even now (3.5 years later), I still have days where all I want to do is stage my own protest over this path life has chosen for me.

Now, however, those days are occasional days… And I am better able to recognize what is happening and turn myself around. Back then, though, those days were the norm… They were every day.

That first year was extremely hard. Trying to adjust to all the changes while going through life as if everything were normal (which it wasn’t) and all the while missing the other half of my soul… my best friend, lover and confidant. No wonder my emotions were off the charts. I was not equipped at all to handle those emotions, and as a consequence, my whole life felt comletely wrong and out of balance.

From the journal excerpt above, it is obvious that even 3 months in, I knew I was struggling. I even knew I needed to make some changes. Yet, the task felt as impossible or daunting as turning the Titanic… absolutely necessary but it would be a very slow process.

So, how did I make that turn? Well… There isn’t any one answer or rememedy. This blog has been proof of that as I have talked about the many different ways I have worked through my grief. However, the biggest epiphany happened just a few weeks before the 1 year mark.

At the time, I was building a leadership module for my office regarding how to handle emotionally charged conversations. While doing my research, I learned that our behavior is a direct result of our emotions which are a direct result of our thoughts. If you need to change a behavior, you need look past the behavior and the emotion and deal with the thought – the story we tell ourselves.
It sounded logical… but simple? NO! Not so much…

The truth was I had heard variations of this same thing from several sources. It really wasn’t new information. I don’t know why it suddenly made sense, but it did. And… like turning the Titanic, this would be a slow and arduous process as I learned that I didn’t need to turn my emotions on or off. I just needed to understand what was driving them.

There were several thoughts I had to work through. However, the biggest one was the thought that I was a “victim” of life’s cruelty. With this thought came the idea that I was powerless to handle what had and was happening to me. recognizing these thoughts was the first step… but it takes more than that to change a thought.

The next thing I had to do was to separate the facts of my situation from the fiction I was telling myself. For example, the factual data shows that my situation is not unusual. The most deadly decade for men is their 50s which drives the second fact that most widows are in their 50s. (When Bruce died, he was 52 and I was 51.) While I was emotionally telling myself one story, the truth was God had not abandoned me nor was life “against” me. I wasn’t a “victim” of anything. Life is just life… We all live and we all die. It sucks… and it is hard… I HATE it… but it just is.

Next I had to look at the “powerless” part and separate those facts from the fiction. This was one space where I looked to Bruce for my answer. He had always told me that I was much stronger than I thought I was… I just needed to look at things from a different angle. I needed to see that life always offers choices. I can choose for myself or I can give that power away. Granted, I didn’t have any choice in Bruce’s death, but I could choose how I respond to it. For example, I could choose to be grateful for what I have been given rather than dwell on what I have lost.

Is this easy? NO WAY! In fact, I would say it is one of the biggest challenges I have ever encountered. The fact that I have the power to choose my attitude in each moment is huge. Remembering that I have that power is even bigger. But here is the thing, the way we choose to live is a learned, practiced behavior. This means with practice, I have been able to re-learn how to live my life… or maybe I should say I am re-learning…

This is a day by day, moment by moment endeavor. Some days and moments are better than others. But… as time passes, it has become more and more my “norm”…

And through it all I have learned that it isn’t a matter of turning emotions on or off. It is a matter of choosing which emotions I will let drive my actions.

And as for me… I am no longer the victim… Instead, I am much happier to be the hero of my life’s story.

I miss you, Babe.
And I am sad.
But I am learning to be a whole being on my own.
I will be okay.
~ Linda, Sept, 2015

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with emotional upheaval and that feeling that it was completely out of your control after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Is it normal to be jealous?

Tomorrow is a day of love
for everyone…
but me.
My love is gone…
~ Linda, February 13, 2016

After Bruce passed away, I remember the first time I saw an older couple walking ahead of me holding hands… so happy… so content… so loving. My immediate reaction was one of jealousy. I could not understand why these people were allowed to have the very thing that had been taken from me.

My next reaction was one of disdain toward myself for feeling this way. I remember the tears that welled up in my eyes, as I turned and walked in another direction. I had no idea what to do with either emotion.

I remember another time when I was traveling, I was sitting in the hotel bar eating dinner. Next to me sat an older couple laughing, talking and flirting with each other. At one point, the woman noticed me watching them in the mirror. She turned to me and said, “I’m sorry. I hope we aren’t bothering you.”

It may sound strange, but I couldn’t help but smile back at her. “Y’all are fine,” I responded. “I was just thinking how lucky y’all are. I lost my husband a few months ago, and I miss those moments.”

I will never forget the compassion in their eyes as the woman told me that she had lost her husband many years ago and had recently remarried… She giggled a little as she told me there were in their late seventies, still “honey-mooners” and loved to spend time with each other. I remember feeling warm inside at their story. I remember smiling and talking to them while we ate… I was so happy for them, but deep inside, I was still jealous – I was still alone, and I could not imagine the whole dating and remarriage thing.

I remember sitting on an airplane several months later. Next to me was another older couple. Throughout our flight, they snuggled up sharing earbuds as they played a game on their tablet. They never seemed to notice me watching them out of the corner of my eye. I couldn’t help but smile as I remembered Bruce and I doing the same thing just the year before. I wondered if they knew how precious this moment was… But I was still jealous.

Even this last week, I found myself dealing with the pangs of jealousy. For years due to life’s circumstances, a sweet friend and her husband have had to live hundreds of miles apart. Recently, due to life’s changes, they are back together under one roof. This past week they celebrated their 20th wedding anniversary… together… as they should. On the morning of her anniversary, she brought in a small wedding photo album and placed it on my desk at work.

Here was where it got really sticky for me. I am happy for her… for them… I genuinely am! But opening that book and looking at those pictures was hard… I don’t know how to explain it… But once again, I felt that same jealousy of something I will never have… And that same disdain toward myself for feeling that way.

Through the last 3.5 years I have encountered many, many examples of times when I felt this way. I’m not proud of it. In fact, it is a bit embarrassing to write about… To be so honest about a character flaw that I know I need to learn to handle better.

But it is honest… and…

Late this week while talking to another friend dealing with a loss, I realized it is normal.

She shared her feelings with me with a bit of trepidation, and asked if she was “bad” for feeling jealous. Now that I was the one on the outside looking in, I realized how silly that sounded. Of course, when we loss someone we love we are likely to feel jealous of others who still have similar relationships.

That doesn’t mean that everyone who experiences loss feels jealousy. I know I have had other loss in my life that did not create jealousy. However, when the relationship was filled with passion and love, I believe jealousy is a natural reaction.

I don’t know if I will ever completely get passed that jealous response when I see other loving couples experiencing the small, precious moments of life. However, I do know that as time goes by that initial jealous pang gets shorter…

And the smile and warm feelings of precious memories that will always be mine gets longer.

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with jealousy after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… When Your Dreams Become Your Dreams

Do you know that place between sleep and awake.
That place where you still remember dreaming?
That’s where I’ll always love you – that’s where I’ll be waiting.
~ Tinker Bell

This week I had one… I hadn’t had one for a while… What was it? A dream… a dream about what was once my life dreams… a dream about Bruce.

I must say I love these dreams! They fill me with so much energy and happiness. I wake up smiling… and that smile lasts for days. I have had several of these dreams since Bruce died.

The first time I dreamed of Bruce, we were bike riding… sort of. He was riding the bike; I was riding on the handle bars. Like kids, we whispered secrets and laughed as we rode through small side streets in a small, country town. We ended up in a meadow where we sat under a huge oak tree sharing a picnic lunch while we talked and snuggled. Toward the end of the dream, I began to realize we were slowly moving apart until I couldn’t touch him anymore. He quietly faded from my side, and I awoke.

Another time, I dreamed we were joy riding in his little, red truck down country dirt roads. Periodically, we would pick up and drop off one or two of our kids, enjoying conversations and laughter. The dream ended when Bruce dropped me off “at home” saying he’d be back later.

In my dream this week, we were running, playing and laughing on an obstacle course through a city. At one point, we came to a hole (or tunnel) built into the side of a bridge. There was graffiti all around it with my name and an arrow pointing the way through the hole/tunnel. I could see through the hole… It led to a world where everything was upside down. I was hesitant… not because I was scared but because it was too high for me to reach. Bruce grinned and asked if I trusted him.

“Of course!” I responded. Then he boosted me up and I crawled through without an issue. As we stood up on the other side, I didn’t feel upside down – I felt right-side up. But when I looked back through the hole, the world we came from now looked upside down. I turned to ask Bruce what this was all about, but at that moment my morning alarm went off, and I was instantly awake.

Normally, I hop right out of bed when my alarm goes off without a problem, but on this particular morning, my initial reaction was “Noooo… I want to go back to sleep. I want to go back to that dream.” That was not possible – I knew that. So instead, I found myself smiling and saying “thank you” as I dressed for work. Thank you for a wonderful dream… Thank you for a wonderful night.

At one time, all of my dreams for the future were wrapped up with Bruce… That is the way of relationships, and it was wonderful. We dreamed of the days when we could laugh, play and hang out together… While he was alive we both worked, so that day was on Sundays. It was our day. We never made plans without the other one an were okay with that… We knew we only had a few more years until retirement… Then our dreams to spend more time playing would really happen.

But that isn’t how our story went…

Bruce died… and now, those dreams are only in my dreams… I don’t have these dreams often – only a few times a year – but when I do, I feel all the same hope… All the carefree feelings that dreams are made of are mine again for a few brief moments.

I remember when Bruce died. I read so many articles about people who never dream of their loved ones and were frustrated. I think I would be frustrated too, so I am extremely grateful for my dreams. I also read about others who dreamed of their loved ones and felt like a “message” was being delivered. I can’t say there have been any messages… at least not in words.

If anything, perhaps Bruce just wants me to remember to have fun… to not get so caught up in all the serious stuff of life that I forget to actually live my life… To accept life one beautiful moment at a time and enjoy whatever that moment has to offer before I move to the next one.

So what do you do when your life dreams become your dreams? For me, I will simply remain thankful that these have been my dreams at all…

What about you? Did you or have you ever dreamed of your loved one? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Going home

The month of May was a crazy one – filled with one trip after another. The month didn’t start that way… I didn’t plan it that way. Normally I would never fill every single weekend with a trip. (Mainly because it would be too exhausting.) However, as each opportunity presented itself, I found myself wanting to go… so I did.

One weekend was spent with a dear friend celebrating her upcoming birthday. Another was spent in Mississippi with one of my daughters and my grandson. And another was spent at a family reunion in honor of my daughter and son-in-law visiting from England.

If you are counting, though, you will realize there are two weekends unaccounted for… Those two weekends had actually been planned for months. It was my first trip back to Michigan… back to our home since before Bruce passed away.

To say I was nervous about returning would be an understatement… Michigan is where we first told each other we loved each other, where we shared our first home, and where our lives changed forever.

While we moved away from Michigan over 6 years ago, we usually went back about once a year to visit our family and enjoy a short break from the summer heat of Florida. On our last trip in July of 2012, we attended Bruce’s annual family reunion and spent time with both our daughters and Bruce’s grandaughter. Neither of us had any idea that trip would be our last one together.

However, six months later, Bruce passed away… For years, the idea of going back to Michigan (going back home), seemed too hard. While I love being here in our home and our space in Florida, I couldn’t quite bring myself to travel back to the place where we started.

However, I decided this was the year to go back.

I spent the first few hours enjoying my daughter – catching up and laughing with each other. The next few days were spent as a girls’ weekend with my soul sisters and my daughter. These days were wonderful and filled with tons of love and laughter. Then, Monday and Tuesday was spent in my old office – visiting and working with my former coworkers and friends.

Up to this point everything was fine. I hadn’t been anywhere yet that was significant to Bruce and I so there was nothing too emotional. The next three days, however, were dedicated to exactly that. With my daughter at my side, I had a list of a few very specific places I wanted to visit.

The first place I wanted to see was our first home together. I remember when my daughter and I first moved into Bruce’s home, I thought it looked like a ski lodge. (I still do… and I love it!) As soon as we pulled up, a thousand sweet, precious memories came flooding back – from the night my daughter and I first arrived, to snowball fights that found their way into the house, to nights spent cooking and dancing in our tiny, little kitchen, to evenings spent watching summer sunsets from our deck. This home was sold long ago so we couldn’t go inside. But we did walk around the building, sharing some of our favorite stories from those years.

Our next stop was a small lake with miles and miles of hiking trails. The first time I ever went there was with Bruce. He woke me up one Sunday mornin and told me he had a gift for me – but not one in a box… something better… something much better.

It was springtime and Michigan was finally starting to warm up after my first long winter. When we pulled into the parking lot, I smiled. He had just given me a great gift!.. A place where I could spend hours outside just breathing and enjoying life. We spent hours walking that day, simply enjoying nature and each other. In fact, every year when we would visit from Florida, we always made time for a morning or afternoon hike around “our” lake.

From there, we went to the small restaurant nearby where Bruce and I had our wedding reception dinner. When we were married I was too busy trying to get moved to Michigan, so Bruce had planned everything, even our reception dinner here. It was such a quaint lodge restaurant and our table for the evening was right in front of the fireplace… always my favorite spot! It was absolutely perfect.

When my daughter and I arrived, it was the middle of the afternoon. The dining area was closed so we sat at the bar, enjoying some wine and chatting. However, before we left, I explained why I was there and obtained permission to go into the dining room to spend a few minutes just sitting at that table, remembering those precious hours spent celebrating our marriage and our love. Yes… I cried, but I am so glad I got to sit there once again and remember…

Our last stop of the day was actually one stop with two places I wanted to visit. The first is a local icon, The Corner Bar, which is actual famous for its hotdogs. In fact, the walls are lined with the names of people who have “survived” their Hot Dog challenge… and no – Bruce’s name is not there! LOL! Personally, I hate hot dogs, but Bruce loved them. So, this crazy place was not only his favorite go-to restaurant, it was one of the first places he took me on my first trip to Michigan. On this particular trip, however, I still couldn’t manage to eat a hot dog (even in his honor), so a basket of fried pickles had to do. But it was wonderful to just sit there and take it all in… and remember.

The second half of this stop was the local river and dam. Bruce and I spent so many summer evenings sitting on a blanket here, enjoying a picnic dinner and their Summer Blues by the River series. This was also my favorite “thinking spot” whenever I had something to figure out or just needed some space. As my daughter and I walked across the dam, I smiled as I looked back on the whole day… and what a great day it had been.

On our last night, we were able to spend another evening with Bruce’s family. It was so much fun to just sit and laugh and share stories. This family will always amaze me! The fact that they still love and include me, my kids and my grandson in their lives is a testament to the love we share… and the legacy of Bruce.

This was my first trip home in four years. For the first time, I experienced Michigan without the man who brought me there. How did it feel to go home alone? Well…

I smiled… and I cried… It was wonderful to remember how blessed I was to have lived here and how my whole life changed in this place…

But mostly I was so, very glad to be in this place once again… To experience and remember this space where Bruce and I shared so much love just a few years ago.

What about you? Have you ever had that experience of going back home after your loss? How was that? Or are you still waiting to make that trip? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Dealing with the criticism (part 2)

Last week we started looking at criticism. As I said then, this was one of the first things I experienced on my grief journey, and the idea that anyone would criticize someone when they are already in such pain really threw me for a loop. Initially, I took the criticism in and let it become a part of me. However, within the first year I learned three things that still help me whenever I feel criticized or judged. (Please see last week’s blog for more details on these points.)

1. Believe in myself.
2. Recognize where the criticism is coming from and if respect is a factor.
3. Remember this is my life and no one else’s.

These have become the foundation for what I want to share today… What I learned in years two and three…

During the second year, I started listening to an incredible, motivational and spiritual speaker and author, Dr. Wayne Dyer. If you have never listened to or read his works, I highly suggest doing so. He spoke quite often on how to handle criticism by leaving it behind.

Two of the points he makes have become mantras for me whenever the feedback or criticism I encounter feels disrespectful. The first one is a reminder that what others think of me is none of my business. This one is huge… And it has just enough humor in it to remind me to laugh when I may be on the verge of tears.

The second point states, “When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” For me this one is important to keep in mind, no matter which side of the feedback or criticism I find myself (and we have all been on both sides). While there is a need and place for respectful feedback, this is a reminder that judgement is never valid because it actually speaks volumes about the person giving it rather than the the person being judged.

Throughout my second year (and beyond), these have become my core mantras whenever I find myself inclined to take the criticism into myself and make it a part of myself. Instead, I remind myself of the fact that just because someone says something does not make it true. My job is to look for respect in their words. If it isn’t there, I can move on without batting an eye. If it is there, then I can look a little deeper to see if what is being said matches what I am seeking to accomplish in this life. From there, I can dig deep and make adjustments, if needed. If not, I move on – no problems… no worries.

While I have read Rob Bell’s books before, year three found me actually studying more and more of what he has to say. I also found myself listening to many of his sermons, podcasts and videos. He is someone who by merely questioning mainstream religious thought became a target of a lot of criticism. However, it never stopped him from doing what he feels drawn to do…

I laugh as he compares criticism to paper cuts and Nerf bullets. That visual has helped me so many times when I find myself on the receiving end… It helps me to simply smile as I move on. In fact, some of his best advice is to do exacty that:
“Ignore the criticism – do what you’re meant to do… and then just keep doing it.”

This was really an extension of year two, so once I had that down pat, I felt another challenge by his words. He, also. states, “Have a thick skin and a soft heart.” The “thick skin” he refers to means I do not take it in and make it a part of myself if it doesn’t belong there… I understood that part in year one. But the second part about having a “soft heart” proved to be harder. At first, I wasn’t quite sure what he meant. Then, I heard him explain, “Do not defend yourself… look for the question behind the question. What else is ‘in the room?'”

In other words, if what someone says in judgement is really more about them, then what is that? What is really going on inside their heart? And… What can I do to help them? Now that is a challenge!

This final thought from Wayne Dyer has really helped me pull it all together so that I can live it day to day. “That which offends you only weakens you. Being offended creates the same destructive energy that offended you in the first place – so transcend your ego and stay in peace.”

In other words, stop looking for reasons to be offended. Besides being a huge waste of energy, concentrating on the details of the criticism only seeks to find validity where there is none. Instead, if I respond with peace, grace and love… and then simply keep doing what I am meant to do, life works much better… for all of us…

This is what I meant a few weeks ago when I said the divine energy within each of us can become a divine reality for someone else by simply being the love and acceptance we are seeking from the world around us.

Shalom, my friends!

Polish your heart
so that it reflects
God’s Love
to the world around you.
~ Linda, February 2016

What about you? Did you struggle with criticism or judgement after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Dealing with the criticism (part 1)

I am me.
I am the only me that will ever be.
God made me to be unique.
This is my life –
a gift just for me from God.
No one else can live it.
No one else really knows how I should live it.
God will show me.
God will be patient and guide my steps.
I am me.
I want to live the unique life God intended for me…
A unique gift…
for me…
from God.
~ Linda, Sept. 2013

One of the first things I experienced on this grief journey that threw me for a loop was the number of people who felt the need to tell me how to live… and (in my perception) criticized me when I didn’t do things their way.

Let me back up though… This experience really does have two sides, and we have all experienced both sides. When we are on the “giving” side we call it “giving sound advice,” or “providing feedback.” We mean well, and we believe we are “being helpful.” However, when we are on the “receiving” end and did not ask for the “helpful advice or feedback,” we call it critism or judgement… and many times, it does not feel good.

In fact, at the beginning of this journey, this unsolicited advice and opinions actually made me feel worse. I found that for every piece of advice telling me to do “this,” there was someone else telling me to do “that.” Sometimes I didn’t know what I wanted and other times I knew exactly what I wanted… and the funny part is, usually it wasn’t “this” or “that.”

With that in mind, you can understand that what I perceived fairly quickly was – I couldn’t win no matter what I did, so I might as well do it my way. This was fine, but it didn’t stop the hurt. In my heart, I knew I needed to do something more.

When it comes to the details of what was said to me, I have no intention of making a list here. That is not important in this discussion. What is important is how I have learned to deal with the criticism… and that journey has been a long one.

The First Year

I’ve always hated conflict. So did Bruce… Because of that, we rarely argued. (I’m not saying this was good or bad; it is just the way it was.) As a consequesnce, I didn’t know how to navigate this new conflict in my life. I wasn’t really sure what to do with it or how to handle it.

One of the first things I had to learn to do was to distingush why some opinions mattered more to me than others. I found that it really boiled down to the relationship… did it come from someone I love, a casual friendship or merely an acquaintance?

While I’ve really never been one to bow to peer pressure, up until this time, I had always erred on the side of being a “pleaser” with those closest to me. They mattered to me… Their opinions mattered to me. Therefore, their opinions and words had a lot more impact, either positive or negative.

One of the first things I had to learn to do was to start believing in myself.

According to research, most “pleasers” tend to have a lower self-esteem. I’m not using that as an excuse. In fact, at first I didn’t really believe it. However, once I actually started “peeling the onion,” I realized I had some work to do within myself.

While I knew that my first marriage had left me doubting my self-worth and value, my marriage to Bruce had been just the opposite. He had done so much to build me up. I had become so much stronger during our time together. What I had failed to realize, though, was my self-esteem and value were now just as tightly wrapped up in what Bruce thought of me. Suddenly, without him there to keep reaffirming that, I felt lost… Because my strength and value were not coming from my core, there I was doubting myself and my own value once again.

My first step that first year was to start re-shaping and believing in my own opinion of myself. I am not talking about conceit or ego. I am referring to an understanding of the fact that God created me and loves me just as I am in this moment… If He can do that, I need to be willing to do the same. To help me accomplish this, I started an affirmation board.

I called these my “Intentions,” because it was my intention to start believing in myself without anyone else’s validation. Everytime I had a positive thought or ran across an affirming quote I would add it to the poster… I still do. In fact, it hangs in my bathroom where I can see it in the mirror as I get dressed each morning… On days when I am feeling down about myself, I read through it and remind myself that with or without Bruce, no matter what anyone else says or thinks… I have value, and I am a beloved child of God.

The next thing I had to learn that year was to distinguish where those opinions and advice were coming from… Were these words being spoken out of love and kindness? Or was it something else? While I can never know someone else’s intent, I do know if what they are saying feels respectful or not. When there is respect, I do not feel threatened or belittled. I don’t feel “shut-down” or a need to defend myself. Instead, I feel safe to discuss the topic.

So, respect became my distinguishing factor.

Was the other person respectful of my situation? My grief? Me? If the answers to these questions are “yes,” then I know I need to consider what is being said. Ultimately though, whether I agree or not is up to me… and the other person, if they are truly respectful, will be okay with that, too.

The last thing I came to understand that first year was the idea that this is my life… no one else’s.

Everyone around me may have an opinion on what they believe I should or should not do, but when all is said and done, I am the only one that will know in my gut and in my soul what is right for me… and that is the path I must take.

How do I know what that path is? This may seem over-simplified, but I ask myself two basic questions… 1. Am I at peace with this? And 2. Does this bring me joy?

When I can answer yes to these two questions, odds are I am on the right path for me.

That first year I learned to have faith and confidence in myself, to distinguish between loving words and unkind criticism and that peace and joy are indicators that I am on the right path for me. That was huge for me! I never would have thought that learning to love and accept myself would be such a huge part of my grief journey, but it has been.

In fact, I have come to understand that in every trial there is a lesson to be learned if I am open to it, because growth doesn’t happen when things are easy…

Growth happens when things get tough, and we have to stretch in order to keep moving forward.

Today, I have shared my first steps for dealing with criticism. Each year, I have gained more insight into dealing with the criticism I felt so intensely on my grief journey. Next week (God willing), I will share a little bit more in Part 2.

What about you? Did you struggle with criticism or judgement after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences, go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog. For daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… When the ground falls out from under you

This week I was watching the movie, Pompeii, as I ran on my treadmill. Near the beginning, there is a scene in which a man is riding a horse alongside what appears to be a river’s edge when the horse becomes skittish. The man pauses and looks around to see what is causing the horse’s fear. Suddenly the horse rears back, the man is tossed to the round and the horse runs away. The man gets up to chase after the horse, when the ground around him starts to shake and split apart. Just as he realizes what is happening… in that breath of a moment… the ground falls out from under him, and the chasm where he has fallen is immediately filled with water from the river. In the following scene, the horse returns to the gates of the owner’s villa without his rider. The people inside are puzzled… no one understands what has happened to the man, but no one goes looking. Instead, they go back to their business and life at hand, as the movie continues.

Although I have watched this scene many times before, this time it hit me… this is what loss feels like. One minute you are standing on solid ground, (you may or may not have a sense that something isn’t quite right), and the next minute the grounds falls out from under you. Within “seconds” you are drowning in a flood of grief and emotions. The rest of world may wonder what has happened to you, but very soon they return to their own lives.

It is a strange experience… to watch the world go back to their “normal lives” while your world is in upheaval. Everything you thought you knew or could count on is either gone or completely different. Your “normal” is gone. You can never return to life as it was. This is what the world calls a grief journey… This what you are told is your “new normal.”

I spent the entire first year raging against this “new normal.” I felt such a range of emotions. I felt abandoned by God… Bruce… everyone around me. I was jealous of the people whose lives were untouched in my eyes. I felt alone despite the people trying to support me. In other words, I felt a whole gamut of emotions, and while I would deny it to anyone who asked at the time, anger was the unlying emotion to it all.

The second year didn’t fare much better with one exception. I was learning that I had a choice in how I responded to my own emotions. In other words, my emotions were normal and valid. (A person feels what they feel.) However, how I acted on those emotions, aka – my attitude, was up to me… it was my choice.

At first, I was quite resistant to this idea. I could come up with excuse after excuse to explain why my emotions were valid and therefore, my attitude was too. But, thankfully, there were (and still are) people in my life who refused to watch me drown.

I worked intensely with a coach who had unlimited empathy but who wasn’t scared to ask me the tough questions. She didn’t mind making me mad now and again in order to help me move forward in a more positive direction. I, also, found myself reading the books and listening to the speakers that had driven Bruce’s peaceful attitude toward life and people. And finally, out of my anger toward God, I went on my own search and found the answers to my own spiritual and faith questions.

Like turning the Titanic, I slowly began to make the changes needed in my own atttitude to turn my world around. Finally last fall, I had one of those epiphany moments when I realized two major things about my attitude: 1. It is completely my own… My attitude is my choice. 2. This meant my attitude does not need to be a result of my circumstances. I can choose to make it a result of the peace, love and joy in my heart.

Like any journey, this epiphany opened the way for more growth… I came to understand that peace, love, joy and my own happiness do not come from other people or the circumstances surrounding me. Instead, I have to find these within myself.

I have had to dig deep. I have learned to separate the truth and facts from the fictious, negative stories my inner voice loves to convince me are real. This has enabled me to stop playing the “victim” in my own story, and become the victor instead.

While there are many people I have studied and read over the last few years, I believe Wayne Dyer put it most succinctly when he said,…

“Be in a state of gratitude for everything that shows up in your life. Be thankful for the storms as well as the smooth sailing. What is the lesson or gift in what you are experiencing right now? Find your joy not in what’s missing in your life but in how you can serve.”

What about you? Did you or have you struggled with living your life with happiness and joy after your loss? How did you come to terms with it? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts?

Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Peace, Love and Grief… Yes, and…

I think one of the hardest parts of grieving is the constant feeling of being judged. I know… I’ve talked about this several times before but only because it IS such a constant phenomenon. There seems to be so many people are SO sure they would do things “different,” (aka – “better”). In fact when this whole thing started, I think I even had that same thought process… I was determined… I would to go to a support group, “get better,” and learn to be a “good widow.” HA! What a load of craziness!

At about the 9 – 10 month point, I remember having a conversation with someone that went something like this…

Them: How are you doing this week?

Me: Okay… trying to get get through each day… still really sad and angry. It’s just still so hard to believe this is all real. I just don’t want to accept it.

Them: How about Bruce’s Mom? How is she?

Me: About the same… She is trying, but she is really hurting.

Silence.

Me: She lost her son… that’s not the natural order of things… I think she is struggling… I think she is still deeply grieving. Who could blame her?

Them: Humph… Well,… you two need to remember that you are not the first people to lose a husband or a son. (All the while, this person’s spouse is sitting right beside them and all of their children are alive and well.)

At the time I was so offended by the callousness of those words, I had to end the conversation or risk being rude. Since that day, I have recalled those words many times, and they have always managed to hit me wrong… up until this week.

This week I had one of those moments when I could say, “Yes… and…”

What is “Yes,and?” It is method I have used in meetings and training sessions when I want participants to feel comfortable offering ideas without worry of being made to feel dumb or silly.

It works like this – Whenever someone puts an idea “on the table,” whether the next person agrees or not, they are not allowed to judge or critique the previous idea. Instead, they may only add their idea to “the pile” by saying, “Yes, and… (fill in with another idea.)”

This has always been a great way to get a lot of thoughts and opinions out in the open without confrontation. Then, once all the ideas have been “safely” offered, the real conversation can begin as we add and mix all the ideas and come up with the best solution available… And all because a “safety zone” was created around the initial communication of ideas.

I can’t remember exactly what I was listening to when it hit me, but suddenly I realized…

I can still end any conversation if that is necessary. However, instead of being angry or frustrated when people say things that are hurtful, what if, instead, I responded in my heart with, “Yes and… (fill in with the reality and ideas).”

So right now… today… I want to go back to that conversation and turn it around. In my heart, I can hear it this way now…

Me: Yes, that is true… and because I am not the only one, I can now (3 years later) offer to walk beside someone who is new on this journey. Someone who is hurting, or lost, or angry… Whatever they are feeling, I am now able to come along beside them, either physically or by way of this blog and say, “I am here too. You are not alone. Let me walk beside you. Let me offer you comfort in knowing that you are not alone and together we can figure this out.”

Yes, and trust me when I say…

There is a peace that comes with acceptance,
And a love that is always remembered.
Linda, Sept. 2013

Yes, and… What about you? Are you struggling on this journey? Looking for another soul to walk beside you? OR are you at a point where you are ready to come along and walk beside another?

This is our virtual community. Let us reach out to another. Let us offer the support we know is needed on this journey… Let us not leave anyone to do this alone when there are so many of us out there.

To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Thank you.