Author: Linda

Hi! I am Linda. On January 12, 2013, my husband, Bruce passed away in the wee hours of the morning. It was completely unexpected and threw me into a complete tailspin. I wandered aimlessly for months until I met a fabulous Life Coach who turned my life around. On January 1, 2015, while visiting with long-ago friend, I decided that this year would be different. 2015 became my year of "Celebration, Creation and Contribution." On January 12, 2015 (exactly 2 years after losing my husband), I posted my first blog on this site. My purpose is to create a virtual loss/grief support group. If this site fills a need for you or someone you know, please join us and add your comments. Let's make this our community...

Peace, Love and Grief… My Biggest Fear

This week marks the anniversary of mine and Bruce’s last week together… And to make it even more real, the dates line up to the day of the week exactly as they did that same week six years ago. When I woke up this morning, I found myself trying to remember every moment of that week. It was such precious time, and we had no idea what lay just a few short days away.

The trouble is the distance between that week and this one… and my own memory…

When Bruce died, and this journey began, I was terrified. There were so much hurt and so many unknowns. How in the world was I supposed to learn to navigate this path on my own?… Well, time has passed, and thankfully, with each passing day, I learn a little bit more.

But there is one fear, I can’t seem to shake. In fact, as time goes on, it seems to be my biggest fear… It is the fear of forgetting.

From the moment he died, I swore that as long as I had breath in my lungs, his memory would stay alive. I refused to forget him, or to let the world forget he had been here, too. Perhaps that is a part of my reasoning for writing this blog… I know it is why I keep a journal.

It is the reason we write down our Christmas memories with Bruce and slip them into his stocking, (which I still hang next my own). And why his pictures still grace the shelves throughout our home. It is why I still wear his jacket on chilly nights and smile whenever I see his favorite beer on a menu or a store shelf.

These last few months, I have even begun to recognize some of my own healing as I find myself looking at pictures and (rather than crying), I can beam with delight at the memories involved. These things (and many more) are what I choose to do to keep Bruce’s memory and legacy alive… It is my way of expressing the love I still feel for him.

But…

There have also been some changes over the last few months which is fueling my biggest fear… The fear of forgetting… And the cancer treatments of this past year don’t help this situation at all. (Allow me to confirm that “chemo-brain” is a very real and very frustrating thing.)

So how does that play out?

Well, I struggle to remember what his voice sounded like. I have two videos of Bruce – one is silent and in the other, he only says one word, … “almost” and he laughs. I find myself watching it over and over just to hear that one word… just to hear the joy in his laughter and see the smile on his face.

I struggle to remember what his arms felt like and how it felt to lay in them… To remember the comfort and security I always found there. While I have gotten stronger and more self-reliant this year, deep down I miss the strength I found in those arms, and I am frustrated as I struggle to recall how that felt.

I also struggle to remember what it felt like to hold his hand… His hands were so much bigger than my own. I can remember we rarely interlaced our fingers because it would hurt my hands. Instead, he would hold my hands like a child’s and ever so gently rub the back of my hand with his thumb.

I want to remember the exact color of his eyes and the way they wrinkled when he smiled… Or to remember the things that made him smile… I want to remember how his eyes twinkled when he was up to no good and how it sounded when he said, “I love you.”

I want to remember all of it… But between the cancer treatments and growing older, that seems to be getting harder and harder. I am terrified I am forgetting… And that makes me even more sad.

Normally in the past, I would spend a lot of time this week at “our” beach where his ashes were spread off shore. I would sit there for hours… remembering… writing… and just talking to him. But this year, due to this government shut-down, that is not an option. Our beach is closed, and I can’t even get close to that space which is so precious to me.

I’m not sure how I will spend this week, or how to overcome this fear… All I know is this is my biggest fear, and it seems to be coming true…

But one thing I will always remember – I love him… And I will always love him…

“’I miss him every single day,’ I said… ‘It’s gotten to the point where I can’t hear his voice anymore and I’m so afraid I won’t remember what he sounded like when he’d say, ‘I love you.’ And I don’t ever want to forget.’” ~ Donna VanLiere, The Christmas Hope

What about you? What is your biggest fear? Do you ever struggle with forgetting? Am I alone on this one? Would you like to share your thoughts or ideas on how you deal with your fears? Or what you do to remember? Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

New Year’s Eve; Old Year’s Night 2018

All of my New Year’s Eve posts seem to hold this title (change the year)… Or, at least on my saved drive, they do. Which seems only right, since the first time I heard that phrase was the year (and cruise) when I met Bruce. The start of something new and the end of something old… It’s all the same – it just depends on how you look at it.

In the past, this was just a night like any other… Not anything to celebrate… Not anything to even think about. I had too many kids and life was too chaotic to make big deal of something so simple as the calendar changing… But then I met Bruce.

After that, this day came to hold so many expectations… so many dreams… so many promises…

That first year was the year we met… We danced the night away. I remember someone on the cruise making a comment about the two of us, and that was all it took for him to broach the subject. He was so vulnerable and honest when he said, “There’s something here, and I don’t want to lose it.”

Then, the next year, we were on that same cruise and our honeymoon. The new year (and our future) held so many promises. I couldn’t believe what a fantastic turn my life had taken and how absolutely blessed I felt.

The next few years, Bruce and fell into a quiet rhythm. Neither of us were big on parties or staying up late. We were both content to toast the new year early and head to bed to snuggle (and sleep) as the new year rolled in.

The last Old Year’s Night together, we went to our first (in many years) New Year’s Eve party together. Bruce had worked late, and I assumed we weren’t going to go after all. However, he was determined we were going. He wanted the night to be special and it was. In fact, it was a magical night! We danced and laughed into the wee hours of the morning. I have the most wonderful memories of him holding me as we danced, looking into my eyes, smiling and telling me he wished the night could go on forever… Me too! (But instead, twelve days weeks later, I would lose him forever…)

The next few years were a struggle… How could life go on? How was I supposed to celebrate another year (without Bruce)?

There was one year when an old BF from my (much younger) past popped in for the night with a dance and a lie… Attempting to manipulate a woman in grief while actually only proving what Bruce had always told me – Trust isn’t something to be given out lightly.

The following years, though, have not been so tumultuous. For the past few years, I have decided on a mantra for the upcoming year versus any resolutions. Then, I have lived by that mantra until it became a natural part of my life.

Last New Year’s Eve was little different. I found myself surrounded by people I love at a three day family wedding. It was a grand time! But not everyone was feeling it… I remember someone saying to me, “This is going to be a terrible year… I can feel it.” My response? Well, I think it pissed them off at the time, but I said, “Life is what you make of it… How you experience it is up to you.” … Oh Karma!

You see, at this time, I already knew there was a lump in my breast, which left me feeling completely unsure of what lay ahead. I wasn’t sure if I would even see another New Year’s Eve. I wasn’t sure what lay ahead, but more than anything, I knew I didn’t want to just lay down and die. So, for the first time in years, I didn’t adapt a mantra for 2018. Instead, I made the decision to do one new “good-for-me” thing each month. January was “get more rest.” February – meditate; March – eat right… and my final “good-for-me” thing was in April, which was “fight like a girl!” …

And I did…

Which brought me straight into the holidays and leads me to today… So, what do I do now? How do I want to approach 2019? Resolutions? Mantra? Nothing at all?

Well, here it is (or isn’t) …

Bruce was a big proponent of “live life as it happens” … “Flow with the current and don’t try to move the rocks in your path” … I’ve written about that a lot! I’ve constantly tried to make that my mantra too, but without a lot of success… until now.

Since all the treatments ended and life has settled back into its “normal” groove, I have actually found myself doing just that without even working at it. Maybe it is the experience of coming so close to death without actually crossing that threshold, but my perspective on life and what really matters is so different now.

Maybe that was where Bruce was coming from too… After all, I have said many times that I believe he knew his time was coming up short. Perhaps that was where he got his own ability to live life as it came… And in his knowledge of the short time he had left, he wanted to pass that wisdom on to the rest of us.

For years I tried, but I couldn’t quite figure it out. Now, however, I get it.

After this year, I have a whole new perspective on what matters… Now, this isn’t something I have to work at… It just feels natural, because I get it…

And that is what I want to hold onto… That is what I want to bring into the new year… The understanding that life is what it is… I can go with it or fight it… But learning to “go with it” feels a whole lot better…

Thank you, Babe, for leaving a legacy I have learned grasp… Once again, I am reminded how blessed I am to have shared a life with you!

What about you? How do you prepare for the New Year? Do you find yourself setting resolutions or committing to mantras? How do you end an Old Night or begin a New Year when grief and loss are a part of your world? Would you like to share your thoughts or ideas on how to face the New Year? If you are on the healing side of grief, what have you done to move forward?

Would you be willing to share your story or thoughts? To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.* Who knows… your story may the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Merry Christmas

“The word which God has written on the brow of every man is Hope.” – Victor Hugo

I think that has been the piece of Christmas I have “re-discovered” this year… the feeling of hope. Each year… Each Christmas, I seem to adjust a little bit more. The first year I ran away to the Keys and ignored Christmas completely. The next year, I found myself singing along with the carols on the radio (still the only singing this former music teacher does since Bruce’s death). Then each year following, I have celebrated a little bit more year by year. But even last year, I wrote about smiling on the outside and trying to enjoy all that is “Christmas,” while crying on the inside for all I am missing.

I couldn’t seem to figure out how to move forward any further…

But this year… Well, this year I have loved the Christmas season. I have felt it from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I have decorated, shopped with abandon, watched parades, played (and sang) Christmas music relentlessly, and gone for nightly drives to look at Christmas lights. I have smiled on the outside and on the inside. In other words, this year I have truly felt like celebrating… something I haven’t wanted or felt like doing for years.

In fact, last week, my daughter told me she had noticed. And not only had she noticed, but the change in my attitude had also meant the best of seasons for her and my grandson, as well. So, what made the difference this year?

Well, I believe it is hope. For the first time in years, I feel like there is hope… real, genuine hope in my life.

When Bruce died, I felt lost… abandoned… completely hopeless. I didn’t really care what the next day held, because no matter what a day might hold, it would be without Bruce. As time passed, I learned to appreciate life – at least, the brevity of life. I get frustrated with people who can’t understand how absolutely precious our time together is. We are never promised the next breath, and yet most of us take it completely for granted, even in the relationships of those who love us the most.

But that realization isn’t enough, or at least it wasn’t for me. That realization just made me miss Bruce even more. So why the change this year? Why now?

Well, maybe I’m wrong, but I believe it was my journey to survive this year. I think it was my realization this year that life is meant to be lived and appreciated – each moment of each day. There are things that bother us, but in all honesty, they don’t upset me or hurt my feelings the same way they used to… It’s just not worth it. Things happen… people say and do what they do and sometimes it is hurtful. We all do, (and usually don’t even realize it).

But here’s the thing – I am the only one responsible for how I choose to spend each moment… no one else. So, I can either make it a moment worth remembering or make it one I’d rather forget.

I guess, after fighting so hard to even be here, I’d rather have lots of moments worth remembering.

So, if you are reading this, and you are new to loss, or still trying to figure out how to move forward without your loved one, please know that you are in my prayers. And my prayer for you is that you can find that hope again… The hope that life is worth our time and our curiosity. The hope that each day will hold something so precious in store that we wouldn’t want to miss it.

So, on this Eve of Christmas eve, I pray that you will have a Christmas season filled with joy and laughter… and especially hope. Because those are the things that make life all it is meant to be.

“…each day of the journey is precious, yours and mine – we must strive to make it a masterpiece. Each day, once gone, is gone forever.” – John Wooden

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How does this season effect you? Are you able to celebrate? Or are you still struggling just to hang on and get to the other side of this season? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Through His Eyes

“After nineteen years of marriage, it was hard for me to separate my point of view from Mark’s. Whenever I met people, I met them not only through my eyes but through Mark’s as well. If I went to a new restaurant, I didn’t sample the food through my own taste but also through Mark’s. Marriage does that. We no longer factor in just our own likes and dislikes, observations, or perceptions in any situation without filtering those things through the eyes and heart of our spouse as well.” ~ Donna VanLiere, The Christmas Hope

This is the time of year when all our senses are on overload. Don’t believe me? Just look at the children around you as they struggle to focus on any one thing – they can’t! There is too much going on… And most of us indulge in all of it! There are exhibits of lights and decorations, movies, shows, ballets, music, food, parties, people, food (I’ll say that one again because I like that one! Lol!) and the list goes on and on.

Most days I love it all. However, there are some days when even I need to take a step back and breathe a little bit in whatever quiet spaces I can find.
But I haven’t always felt this way… The first few years after Bruce died, I was so lonely and caught up in my own grief, I lost my ability to enjoy anything about this time of year. However, these days things are different. I am truly blessed to have one of my daughters and my grandson living here… She is always finding some new adventure or exhibit for us to explore. (Which I must say is much better than sitting alone inside my house hiding while the rest of the world celebrates.)

In fact, while this will be our third Christmas together, this year feels different… This year, I am absolutely loving it! Perhaps it is partly a selfish celebration on my part, but after spending nine months fighting to stay alive, I am ecstatic to simply be here. (Which makes me love all of this seasonal craziness that much more!) Even crazier – for the first time in years, I think I have smiled non-stop since Thanksgiving.

This is a little bit weird, because for the past few years I have struggled through this season. In the past, I battled the tears and grief of what was, while trying to smile for my friends and family around me. Of course, they didn’t buy it… my grief created a sadness that seemed to permeate our holiday no matter how hard I tried to fight it.

But not this year… This year I am so happy to (still) be here. This year it is a real celebration. Does that mean I have forgotten Bruce? Or that I no longer grieve or miss him?

No… Of course not.

Things have just taken a different turn… This year with each new adventure, I find myself looking at it through my own “ain’t-it-grand-to-be-alive” eyes. At the same time, I also keep finding myself saying, “Bruce would love this” or laughing with “Bruce would hate this” OR “If Bruce were here, he would tell us to go do ‘whatever’ while he sat right here, had a beer and watched the world go by.”

It’s funny but it’s true… When you love someone, you share a special bond or connection. You really do see the world from both perspectives. And the crazy thing is that connection doesn’t stop just because they are gone. I think I will always see the world through both sets of eyes. That doesn’t mean I can only like what he would have liked or dislike what he wouldn’t have liked. (I have seen some people go to that extreme, but I don’t think that is very healthy… I need to be me.)

No, it just means I knew him – deeply. I can smile and laugh about what he would enjoy, what he would have tolerated (for my sake) and when he would have said, “Naw… I’m good… Y’all go on without me.”

In other words, in all its craziness, I have found a way to include and share this year’s celebration with Bruce. He may not be physically by my side, but he is in my heart… And with him there, I am learning to love this holiday once again.

This is a season of hope and joy… And this year, I feel all of that… And today, my prayer is that we might all find that in our own special way.

“There is peace even in the storm.” ~ Vincent Van Gogh

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How does this season effect you? Are you able to celebrate? Or are you still struggling just to hang on and get to the other side of this season? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Wishes

Christmas wishes… This is the time of year when wishes are made… and many come true. Children write letters to Santa, and adults make their wishes in other ways. However, for some of us, our wishes can never come true… What we want can never happen… And that is hard… It is hard to know that the one thing I want… The one thing I would give my life for… is the one thing I can never have.

What is that? … It is my constant “prayer” to Bruce… Each day it is different, but it is always there…

I wish you were still here… I wish I could still feel you near me… I would give anything to feel your arms around me… I wish I could hug you right now… I wish I could hear your voice again… I would give anything to have one more conversation… I would give anything to lay with you one more time… I want to feel your soft touch… To look into your eyes as I lay in your arms… Just one more sunrise… Just one more sunset… Just one more time… Just 5 more minutes…

All these things… This is what I wish for… everyday. But, this is what I can never have…

I am learning to move one. One day at a time, I am learning to move forward and live life again… But I still miss him… I think I will always miss him. He understood me… He knew everything about me – the good and the bad – and yet, he loved me anyway. He knew my deepest secrets, and he held me when the nightmares took my breath away. He protected me and our family. He believed in us… and in me… And he taught me to believe in myself.

Remember in the Christmas movie, A Christmas Story, how Ralphie was totally obsessed with wanting a Red Rider BB Gun? No matter what anyone said, his obsession remained… No one could deter him or make him change his mind. Well, I guess, I am the same… I know I can’t have what I want, but I still want it. Life goes one, but in my heart, I still want what I want.

There are days when I feel guilty for wishing he was still here rather than being thrilled with life as it is… (Yeah, okay, there was a little sarcasm with the “thrilled” part.) But seriously… for the most part, I do live life and love it. I do!
I am thrilled to still be alive.

This year was rough… I know it was a close call. To have survived a bout with cancer and still feel like I can live life to the fullest is amazing. I know the fact that I am still be here is a blessing that I do not deserve but am so thankful for.

Yet, my wishes are my wishes…

This week I have been blessed again… I was reminded that even Jesus had wishes. Granted, his were way more serious. He was being required to suffer so much… So much more than I could ever imagine. In the garden before his death, he prayed that “this cup be taken from him.” He knew the suffering ahead, and he wished it could be otherwise.

Maybe it is silly, but I have found great comfort this week in knowing that my Lord wished for his suffering to take a different path… And so, do I. It is comforting to know I am not alone in wishing for the suffering to just… not… be…

To know that God knows my pain… He understands my wishes… He doesn’t judge me… is comforting. In fact, to know that he understands me is beyond everything else. And while nothing will change my reality, there is great comfort in knowing that God understands all of that… Which means, I am not alone.

I won’t get my wish this Christmas… or any other Christmas, but I’m not alone.

And that means more to me than I can ever express.

This is a season of hope and joy… I feel all of that this year… And I pray that we might all find that in our own way.

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How does this season effect you? Do you also have wishes that you know can never come true? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Smiling on the Journey

“Learn to enjoy life while you’re going through the transformation process. Many of us look like we’re walking a tightrope rather than a pathway of peace. Instead, enjoy where you’re going.” – Unknown

I remember when this whole journey began… I really struggled with trying to understand why I was still here, and Bruce wasn’t. I loved him so much. How was I supposed to go on without him? What was the purpose? Did I even have a reason to still be here? Honestly, while I didn’t want to be here, I knew there had to be a reason, but for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what it was. It was taking everything I had just to survive that first year… how could God expect anything more of me?

“As long as God chooses to leave you on this earth, don’t just exist – live!” – Unknown

There were also days when I was so hurt, I couldn’t even trust God. After all, why hadn’t he stopped this from happening? Why did he let me experience such a wonderful love, only to snatch it away so quickly? It took me years to realize that wasn’t the case at all.

Pain and death are not a part of his perfect plan, but they are a reality in an imperfect world… In fact, God hurt, because I hurt… All those nights when I thought I was absolutely alone and abandoned, he was right beside me… I was just too hurt to feel him.

“Don’t be afraid… you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression… the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God.” – Isaiah 43:1-3

There have also been days when all I could see was how much further I still have to go on this journey. I have always firmly believed that Bruce and I will be together again in eternity… I know without a doubt he is waiting for me, and one day we will be able to explore the wonders of heaven together. However, the women in my family live a long time… With that in mind, I knew I was only halfway through this life when he left it… How in the world could I do another 50+ years without Bruce?

While there are still moments when I can get caught up on how much of life still lays between us, I have gotten better at refocusing my thoughts on the blessings all around me. It started slowly with my journal. Each day, I made myself list at least five things I was thankful for… Some days that list was as simple as “I got out of bed” and on other days, the list went on and on. In fact, when I made my list today, it filled 2.5 pages… Life isn’t what I thought it would be, but it is still filled with more blessings than I can count.

“Instead of getting discouraged about how far you still have to go,
learn to celebrate your progress along the way.” – Unknown

It’s odd, I suppose, but with Bruce, I never questioned my purpose here. Just loving each other and our families seemed to be purpose enough. I don’t know why, but since he died there have been times when I pondered what my purpose is now? What am I supposed to do?

“No matter how wonderful the journey is, what’s the point if there’s no destination?” – Unknown

I have always felt my purpose is about love, but for some reason, I have felt a need to reach out past my own family. I know there are many people out there who are on this journey and hurting too, which is why started writing this blog. However, sometimes I find myself wondering if I have anything left to say here… Yet, I know that if even one person is touched or given any hope because of these words of love, then perhaps, just perhaps, it is worthwhile.

So, it may not seem like much, but this is my way of loving so many others who feel alone too. So, while I would never say losing Bruce was a good thing, perhaps I have found my own way of making something good out of something painful.

“We may impress people with our strengths,
but we often connect with them best through our struggles.” – Unknown

I guess, what I’m trying to say today is, “Don’t give up…” There really is more to life. I started on this journey thinking I couldn’t do this… I was overwhelmed with pain, and felt I had nowhere to turn for comfort. However, through the years I have learned to smile again… I have learned to laugh and enjoy the blessings this life has to offer. Does this mean I get it right every day? Of course not, I believe I will always have those days when my grief takes a strong hold on my heart. But for the most part, I know I am still here for a reason, and that reason must be something pretty amazing because…

“God’s will isn’t simply for you to survive, but to thrive.” – Unknown

As I tell my grandson, each day is a new start… Like a fresh piece of paper, each day offers us a new chance to write our story and make it whatever we want it to be…

“This is a wonderful day. I’ve never seen this one before.” – Maya Angelou

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? What has your journey been like? Have you always been able to keep moving forward or do you have days when you struggle with your purpose or focusing on your grief? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Remembering to Be Grateful

“Gratitude isn’t a natural response to adversity;
It’s a discipline you develop.”
~ Unknown

This time of year can be hard… First, this is the time of year focused on family. And while I have a wonderful family, for me there is someone missing… Bruce. It breaks my heart all over again every time I think about it. Then to add the part about be grateful, and the struggle gets a little harder.

It’s not that I’m not grateful, but missing Bruce during the holidays makes it that much harder to remember to be grateful. I actually have to make myself think about the things I have been blessed with rather than the one person I am missing. That may sound ridiculous, but it is a lot harder than one might think.

That first year, I was still too angry to be thankful for anything, (and I told God so). As the years have passed, my attitude has changed. For me the biggest change happened, when I stopped trying to understand why Bruce died, and started trusting that the God who created me, also loves me. (That was a lot harder than it sounds.)

I came to understand that this journey was not a punishment or a test. This death thing was not anything God wanted either. In fact, I have come to believe that when I hurt, he hurts. It took a while (a long while), but I gradually learned to trust in the “unchanging and loving character” of a God who loves me unconditionally, versus the “Gotcha God” that is so often preached.

It is a little hard to believe it is already Thanksgiving week again. I feel like I blinked and went from April to now. (I guess I was a little hyper-focused on getting well.) But now it is a time to be grateful, and I am… I really am. I am alive. My treatments are over. The cancer (as far as I know) is gone. It has been quite a journey, and I am so glad it is over.

But that’s only the tip of the iceberg. I am still here… I get to still watch my grandson grow up. I get to spend time with my family, especially my kids and my sister. I get to watch the sunrise. I get to laugh and play and enjoy life.

What a gift! A gift I didn’t appreciate a few years ago. A gift I wasn’t sure I would have a few months ago. A gift not given to everyone who travels this path.

If there is one thing I learned when Bruce died, it was how short and unpredictable life is. And on this cancer journey, I learned that the things I thought were important before, really aren’t. In the past, I wasted a lot of time worrying or being upset about things that don’t matter now or aren’t even remembered anymore.

I have learned that life, love, and living each moment in a state of gratitude… that is important.

I have to say – this year has been a beast. Yet through it all, I know I have been blessed, and I am truly grateful.

“Gratitude is an attitude you choose,
Not a reaction to your circumstances.”
~ Unknown

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle family holidays? Have you always been able to be grateful or have you struggled with being grateful? You are not alone… We are all here together. Or maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Happy Anniversary

I felt you today.
I felt the warmth of your smile,
And it made me laugh.
Thank you!
~ Linda, January 2018

This week Bruce and I would have celebrated our 13th anniversary. This is always such a bitter sweet day for me… So blessed to have loved Bruce, and so grieved at his loss. Maybe it sounds a little crazy but those are my feelings, and they can be a bit hard to reconcile.

This was my sixth year celebrating our love without him, and I thought I would spend it like I usually do – sunrise at the beach, some writing time, lunch at his favorite seafood place, some time to reminisce and dinner at “our” restaurant. However, life had different plans. I did get to start my day watching the sunrise are our favorite beach (also where his ashes were scattered). I was also able to end the day at “our” restaurant… The one he found and surprised me with so many years ago. But, all the time in between, seemed to get filled up with other things this year. Mainly, household chores which had been put off while I was undergoing treatment and a leaky hot water heater. (Thankfully, the water heater waited to die until I got back home, so there is no damage.)

As I was watching the sunrise, I did manage to get a little bit of writing done, so that is what I plan to share today. My letter to Bruce, which he will never read… And yet, I believe, he heard every single word as I sat there and wrote it.

“Happy Anniversary, Babe! Wow! Today would be 13 years… It seems like just yesterday. I can still see your face – your eyes looking straight into mine as you held my hands in yours and promised to love me… always. Nothing has changed that… Even as I sit here watching the waves, I know somewhere out there you still love me… And I hang onto that. (Maybe more than I should, but then again, who’s to say – I know what I know, and I feel what I feel.)

The sunrise this morning was beautiful. I was like a show just for me (us)… There were clouds covering the eastern sky, so I really thought I wouldn’t see it. But, at just the exact moment, a hole broke in the bottom of the cloud bank… just enough (and in the precise spot) so I could see the sun rise after all. There is a part of me that believes you did that for me. So, thank you!

I think I needed that… I need to know you’re still here. I haven’t felt you as much lately… There aren’t as many signs, which has made this year that much harder. In fact, doing this whole cancer thing without you has been hard. Everyone keeps telling me how great I’m doing and how strong and tough I am. But I don’t feel strong and tough. And as for the “great” part – it is as much “fake it till you make it” as anything else.

It’s actually more like when you died… I don’t feel strong at all. In fact, I’ve been really scared. But I did what I had to do because there wasn’t another (rational) choice. Just like when Matthew died or when I went through my divorce, loss has never been a “Oh, I am ready for this – bring it on” kind of thing – like the heroine of a story. (I wish it were that simple.) NO! It is more of a “Oh crap – What do I do now?”

Then, I take one step at a time – and only focus on the step I need to take in that moment. Anything else – focusing behind me or too far in front – becomes overwhelming.

And through all of these losses, (even before I knew you), I believe I missed you. Before I knew you, I missed being loved – truly loved and how that love can see you through the rough times. Then once I knew your love and lost it, I missed it even more, because I knew what I was missing.

Today is a day to remember that love… To remember a time when both of us were so sure of our love that we were willing to do whatever it took to be together. We were so sure of our future together… We had no idea how short our time together would be… But it was… We blinked, and it was over.

So, here I am, celebrating #13 alone… my sixth time celebrating “us” alone. It’s comforting know you are somewhere out there waiting for me…
I miss you! I love you so much! Thank you, Babe, for loving me… Thank you for marrying me… And thank you for waiting for me… I am yours – always and forever!”

I have learned to laugh again.
I have learned to find joy in the quiet moments spent with those I love.
But it still hurts.
I think it will probably always hurt…
Simply because you aren’t here.
~ Linda, January 2018

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle anniversaries of special times together? How did you handle those bittersweet days when your feelings don’t seem to be able to reconcile with each other? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Miracles and Purpose

Why did it turn out this way?
Did I do something wrong?
Does God hate me?
Am I really so bad?
I don’t want much…
Just you!
Why is that the one thing I can’t have?
~ Linda, January 2018

This week I watched the movie, Miracles from Heaven. It is the beautiful story of faith, miracles, family love, and near-death experiences. (I definitely recommend it, but be warned, it will tug at your heartstrings.) In the movie, there is a scene where the little girl has fallen and is unresponsive. However, the rescue workers cannot reach her. After several hours, the mother is watching in horror as the people around her start to discuss the likelihood that the child is already dead. The camera zooms-in on her face as the background noise becomes muffled and the world around her seems to fade into the background, as she focuses everything on the spot where her daughter has fallen. She slowly moves closer and closer to the rescue crew, unable to believe this is how it is going to end.

At that point, I lost it… Suddenly, I was taken back to that moment when the EMS crew was working on Bruce.

I had already been doing CPR until they arrived. At that point, they moved him to the floor just inside our bedroom and began working on him. I stood about ten feet away watching in horror. Just like the mother in the movie, everything became surreal… I watched in disbelief as the EMS crew tried everything available to get Bruce’s heart to start beating again… Like the movie, I was unable to believe this was how it was going to end… This couldn’t be happening… This couldn’t be real… I wasn’t ready for this!

In the movie, the girl is rescued alive… I don’t want to spoil the whole movie, but believe me when I say, her family got several miracles that day. And while I know it was selfish on my part, all I could think was how blessed they were, and how my family wasn’t given a miracle… Bruce’s eyes never opened; his heart never restarted, and he never took another breath. For us, it really was over… and I was devastated.

For years after Bruce died, that is where I stayed… That is where I struggled. I couldn’t understand why Bruce had to die, and why we weren’t given the miracles I had heard about all my life. Just like the mother in the movie, I even had people tell me it was my own sin or “wrong faith” which prevented any miracles and caused Bruce’s death.

But this week, I moved past those thoughts…

Right after watching the movie, as I was settling in for the night, my devotions were about our purpose and destiny in life. According to Victor Frankl, “Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life… a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein, he cannot be replaced… everyone’s task is as unique as his specific opportunity.” The author then added, “God created you for a specific purpose. Your responsibility (and joy) is to identify it.”

That’s when I realized Bruce was my miracle… and still is… He had a purpose which he fulfilled while he was here… And he still has a purpose,which carries on even today.

Let me explain, what I mean…

While he was here, he showed me what unconditional love really is… He lived it every moment of our time together. He showed my children what a true man and a healthy marriage look like. And the healing he brought to my little family was nothing short of a miracle.

Move forward to today… There are so many things I am still learning from him, as I constantly contemplate how he chose to live his life. He showed me how to have patience and acceptance for others without ever compromising my own values. He also showed me this world doesn’t have to be a “them or us” place… There is room for all us with all of our different cultures, opinions and life styles. One of the main pieces of his legacy which I have drawn from lately is learning to have the strength and resilience to flow with whatever life throws my way (like this cancer journey of the past few months).

So that is our miracle…

The fact that his purpose is still alive and well, and his legacy is still being lived out daily… And as long his legacy is still being lived by those of us who love him, there will always be a piece of Bruce is this world.

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? Did you ever experience that feeling of disbelief that your time together was over? How did you reconcile reality with what you thought would last forever? Maybe you learned a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Time Moves on But My Heart Doesn’t

Sometimes I can’t breathe for the pain of it.
Other times I smile and laugh at the thought of our memories.
You were always that way…
making me smile or laugh when I wanted to cry…
when the pain was so bad.
Now my heart hurts…
truly, physically hurts with the missing of you.
I feel your soul;
I know you are here.
But I need to see your eyes and your smile;
Feel the comfort of your arms.
I want to breathe in your presence
and feel your love in all these things.
But that isn’t to be…
All I have are the memories;
The memories of our love…
And…
Sometimes I can’t breathe for the pain of it.
~ Linda, Oct. 19, 2013

I remember when I wrote that poem. It had been 10 months since Bruce died. For the rest of the world, their lives were back in order. (At least, that was my perception.) But, not for me. My life was still upside down. I was still experiencing all the ” dreaded firsts,” and I still had 2 more months to go before I would finish that “first year.”

I don’t know why, but there is a notion or a feeling that if you can get through (aka survive) that first year, it will all be okay… You will feel better… Life will start to feel normal again.

That, my friends, is a lie.

I remember starting that second year with so much hope that I would feel better – cry less and hurt less; laugh more and live “normally” again. But what I found was after that first year, I still grieved… I still cried, and I still hurt. Life was marching forward, but I still seemed to be out of step with the rest of the world. I tried to laugh more… I tried to live a “normal” life.

But… what was “normal?” How could I live a “normal” life when I still hurt so bad?

On January 23, 2014, (after the one-year anniversary of Bruce’s death) I wrote:

“Good morning, Babe… Sad today… miss you so much. I know I’m doing better ’cause I have more and more good days, but today I am sad… went to bed sad, cried most of the night and woke up sad… Something about walking into the bedroom and knowing that I was crawling into this bed without you… again, was too much. I just miss you! I try not to let myself dwell on it too much because it gets me too down, but other times, I need to let it out… It’s been forever since I felt the touch of your love, Babe.”

A few days later, on February 4, I wrote:

“Hi Babe! Loving you this morning… I cried myself to sleep (again) last night. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever not cry myself to sleep… or miss you so bad my heart feels like it will rip in half. Still kinda teary this morning. The thing is – now (because it has been more than a year) I feel like I have to hide it… It is so frustrating!”

And three years after he died, I found myself still struggling and wrote:

“Hi, Babe! I am really missing you tonight! How can this be real? Here I am – 3 years later – and still half expecting you to walk through the door – or – to wake up and find this has been one horrible nightmare. I sit here at my desk looking at pictures of us and I remember all the smiles and all the love. I’ll never understand why it had to end or how to make the hurting stop. I think… No, I know, what we had was so special and I’ll never stop loving you! It took us so long to find each other that we never took ‘us’ for granted. I have no regrets for how we spent our time together. But I never thought our time together would be so short. It went by so fast.”

Even now, as the six-year anniversary of Bruce’s death is on the horizon, I find that I still miss him… and it still hurts… I’ve just gotten better at shoving it down deep when I am with others… Only feeling free to feel what I feel when I am alone (and writing).

In fact, I’ve written about it several times over the past few weeks. I still miss Bruce so much and going through this current challenge without him has been beyond hard. When I am scared or frustrated, I think about how wonderful it would be to feel his arms around me and to hear him whisper in my ear, “It’s going to all be okay.” To feel that I was a priority to someone who loved me unconditionally… To feel that I could cry when I needed to without worrying about being “strong” or being a bother… To be totally and completely honest about my fears…

But, Bruce is gone… Time has moved on. Life has brought (and will continue to bring) more challenges… And I must learn to take each one in stride without Bruce by my side.

Why am I sharing this? What is the point?

My point is this – the pain never really goes away. It is as if you broke a leg but never had it set correctly… it just healed as it was. You learn to live with it… You learn to laugh and walk and maybe even run, but it is never the same.

Over the last few years, I have learned to crawl, then walk… and even run. I have learned to laugh again. I have learned to dance again. I have learned to live life again. I have learned to trust that God (or the universe or whatever you want to call it) has not abandoned me, is not against me nor am I being punished… In fact, I truly believe, God loves me and has my back.

I know I was blessed… I know I still am. The fact that we had a life together at all was a miracle. But the sad reality is Bruce’s purpose on this earth was completed before mine. (Oh, how I hate it that!) But I have come to understand that my life now is determined by my perspective… And my perspective is my choice…

I know there are still lessons for me to learn (like this current path) and a purpose for me to explore. (Otherwise, I wouldn’t still be here.) But, I also know I don’t have to let go of my love for Bruce in order to do any of those things.

In other words, time does move on… Life moves on… but my heart… well, my heart doesn’t have to…

If you have experienced loss, you have probably learned lessons, too. This is our community, please share your story with us. Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences by going to the comments and leaving a note.*

Maybe you learned something different… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.