Tag: loss

Peace, Love and Grief… Learning to Be Still

My heart struggles to reconcile itself with what my mind knows is real.
~ Linda, October 24, 2013

I have often said that grief is a maddening experience. It is. It is a time of struggle and emotional chaos as one tries to make sense of something that just doesn’t make sense. Everything I thought I knew was suddenly gone in a single moment. I have had to relearn how to live. In so many ways, that is maddening… and that is grief.

Over the years, I have learned firsthand that each person experiences grief differently. We each have to find our own way… in our own time… no two are alike. For me, my grief journey ran parallel to my spiritual journey. Then again, that sounds silly because it is all one life, so isn’t it all the same? It isn’t like I have been traveling two paths at once.

I learned rather quickly that I am on one path. It is called “life,” and it has included many lessons. I have learned that it is up to me to explore each one and to bring them all together in a way that makes sense for me. I can’t do it for anyone else… This is my life… this is my path. This is how I am learning and growing as I work to bring my heart and mind together to create a spirit of peace and love.

When Bruce first died, despite my anger and distrust toward God, a certain verse kept running through my mind. This verse never had any special significance for me in the past, so I have no logical way to explain why it was suddenly there in my thoughts all the time… I won’t even try. I simply believe I needed to hear those words in order to survive, and so God put them there. Just as he had sent Bruce into my life years before, he placed this verse back into my heart when I needed it most.

“Be still and know that I am God.”

Over and over, I wrote them in my journal. I mulled over them in the quiet moments. They were a constant in the back of my mind. And despite my anger, I couldn’t make them go away.

There was something there for me – I felt it. I was looking for comfort… something to bring peace to my soul. I came to believe that the secret was somewhere in these words. It was… but probably not in the way most people might think.

I don’t believe it was about church… or religion… or “do’s and don’ts.” It was so much deeper than any of that.

I grew up in the church, directed church choirs, taught Sunday School and even taught in a parochial school for years. God and religion had always a part of my life. However, even before Bruce passed away, I chose to walk away from organized religion. I needed to figure out what I believed… For my faith to be my own, I had to find my own spiritual path to God.

It was been a long road… Still is, actually. It’s probably no surprise, but Bruce’s death really tried my faith in so many ways that I almost walked away from my faith completely. (I was so angry for so long.) But Bruce’s life, his death and my struggle afterward have led me to a faith that I know without a doubt is completely mine. It is not based on what others tell me to think or do. It is not based on rules or someone else’s grand interpretation. It is much simpler than that. It is merely a philosophy and a way of living my life with God as my source of energy.

I know it may sound crazy. After all, how can spiritual matters be so simple? But I came to this realization after watching Bruce and reflecting on how he lived such a genuine life with no pretense… no games.

You would not find Bruce at church on a Sunday morning. Nope… On Sundays, you could find him sitting in his lounge chair with his coffee and his Sudoku watching Meet the Press. Yet, I have never known anyone to live a life more true to the principles of God – a life filled with acceptance and unconditional love for the world around him.

He was not a complicated man. He had a sweet, gentle spirit and a simple faith. I watched him place a cross in his pocket each morning and heard him pray every night before he fell asleep. Then… he simply lived what he believed – no sermons or lectures, no push for anyone to think his way. He just lived it. To him, it was that simple.

So, back to those words that kept going through my head, “Be still and know that I am God.” I can’t tell you how long I pondered those words – trying to figure out what I needed to get out of them. I was so angry after Bruce died, I couldn’t even pray. So you can bet, I didn’t want to be still, and I certainly didn’t want to “hear” anything from God. (Honestly, I wasn’t interested in anything he might have to say.)

Then, one day while reading one of Bruce’s books on philosophy and spiritualism, it hit me. This verse doesn’t say anything about God talking or about me listening. It simply says to be still. It was describing meditation – a practice of sitting quietly, breathing deeply and purposely not thinking… It is about clearing your mind; not filling it. It is an age old practice of simply being in that specific moment. Then letting your breath carry you to the next moment and then the next.

That was exactly what I needed… to slow down… to be still.

As I started a daily practice of meditation, my anxiety lessened and my peace grew. By learning to be still, both physically and mentally, I learned to reconnect to my God. However, this time it has been different… Now, it is a connection of spirit and peace. It is not about rules or being good enough… those are not concerns anywhere in my world. As Wayne Dyer says, it is about the fact that I am “a spiritual being having a physical experience; not a physical being having a spiritual experience.”

It took years, but through those quiet, still moments, I learned to let go of my anger. To my own surprise, I learned to trust God again. I believe that he is my Source, and this life as we see it, is not all there is. There is more… so much more.

Do I believe everyone thinks this way? Of course not.

Do I think they should? That’s not my call, and that is not what this is about… This is how I found peace again, but it is up to each person to find their own path to peace after such a painful loss. We must each choose for ourselves how we want to think and live.

I am only suggesting that if you are struggling with grief or loss, meditation may be a simple way to regain a part of your life. It has nothing to do with religion… These practices are a physical exercise like running or walking.

For me, meditation has been invaluable. It has helped me to regain peace, focus and composure, even on those “bad” days when the grief is more than I think I can bear. All I need to do is breathe… meditate… and just let go.

And because I have a God who wouldn’t give up on me, I have learned to be still and know…

Peace…

This is my story but this is our community… a place to share our experiences. Maybe you found your peace in another way. Or maybe you are still struggling to find some kind of peace and way forward. Or maybe you just want to share your story or your thoughts… There is no one right answer. Who knows… your words may hold the answer for someone else. To share your story or thoughts, please go to the comments and leave a note, comment or question.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Who Knew I Could Laugh Today?

Two weeks ago marked the 7th anniversary of losing Bruce. While I took a day for myself, and didn’t post a blog here, I still spent the day remembering and writing. So, here are the words and experiences of that day, as I felt them and as I wrote them…

Hi Babe,

It’s hard to believe another year has passed since you left us here… seven years. Wow! Some days (like today) it feels raw and fresh like it just happened. Other days, I can manage my emotions better… but it still hurts. One of the scariest parts is wondering how long the hurt will last… Probably until we’re together again, which is likely to be a long time.

I was reading through my Face Book memories last night… That Friday started out so normal. My morning post said, “Woo Hoo! It’s Friday!” Had I known what lay ahead “woo hoo” would not have been my response to the day.

I still think you knew it was coming… I don’t think you knew it would be that day, but you knew it was it was coming, and you chose to face it alone… I am so sorry for that! I have kept a lot of my fears and emotions to myself over the last couple of years to spare others and give them more hope than I might have felt at the time. It was hard sometimes, though. There were times when I would have given anything to be able to confide everything without worrying about how it might impact their world.

So, to think that even I couldn’t be that person for you after all you did for me is a bit tough to swallow. Then again, I do get it. How do you share your deepest fears or darkest thoughts when you want the people around you to go on with hope and positivity? … I understand now… It just gets so complicated.

I have been so tired this year that I don’t really have a lot planned for today. (Nothing formal like I usually do, anyway.) I just want to spend time with you… writing, sitting on the beach, eating seafood… All those things we used to do together.

I have dreamed of you a lot over the last few nights. Thank you! Those “visits” feel so real and make me smile for weeks… Last night, though, was the funniest!!

We all know that you are still here… We know that you move things around and play with the animals. (We can tell they can even see you – how amazing!) In fact, none of that surprises us anymore… It is just a wonderful reminder that you are still here, and that I am not alone. I believe it is the love between us that keeps that bond alive.

It has just been in the last few years that I have been able to sleep through the night without waking up at 1:15(ish) – the time you died. While there are still nights when I will wake up at that time, it is rare – no longer a nightly occurrence. So, last night with the noises started a little earlier than that time, I thought it was you trying to wake me up. (Honestly, I still do!)

It sounded like my birthday balloons were loose, floating around the room and hitting the fan blades every now and then. So, I turned on the light to see. But the balloons were right where they were supposed to be. It was so odd. So, I stayed awake for a while looking at videos of you.  However, when nothing more happened, I turned out the light to go back to sleep.

Just as I was falling asleep, it started again. Seriously, Babe! I am so tired these days! I couldn’t figure out what you wanted. So, I turned on the light again… And once again, nothing was moving. What in the world?! I lay awake for a while, looking at pictures of you and I… remembering us… missing you. But… nothing, so I turned out the light again.

Before a minute had passed, I heard something fall and hit the floor in the bathroom. Immediately, I turned on the light and went to see what had fallen. On the floor by the window was one of the shells from the windowsill. Well… shells don’t move themselves, and this one had been a good two inches from the edge. All I could think was, “Wow, Babe! That was crazy!

Then, as I was looking at the other items on the windowsill, I saw him… There staring back at me was a big adult frog sitting in the orchid leaves. For a minute, we both just stared at each other. Then, I started laughing… How in the world did we get a huge frog in the house? Well, I feel that was a “you” thing, and you used him to wake me up.

I ended up getting a plastic container and card, scooped him up and put him outside. I looked at the clock when I came back in, and you know what time it was… Yep, 1:15. LOL! Then, I spent some time with you… reading memories on Face Book, looking at more pictures, talking to you, and missing you.

I didn’t cry, though… It was all too funny!

Thank you, Babe, for such an hilarious start to our day! For wanting to spend time with me! For being you and for loving me! I love you so much – now and forever!

– – – – – –

Well, here I am… at our beach… no flowers, no beer – just time with you. I hope that’s okay. I have been going, going, going for weeks on end… and I am tired… VERY tired! (Physically AND emotionally) Today, I just want to be with you… just quietly sitting by the ocean – reading, writing, watching the waves and watching people.

On the way here, a Chevy Trailblazer, same color as yours, followed me out of the neighborhood. At first, it took my breath away… How many Sundays did you and I pile into that car and head for a day at the beach?… No plans, except to spend time together.

That’s all I wanted for today, too… We could sit out here for hours and not say a word. Yet, so much love would pass between us with a smile or a touch… I miss that… I miss the quiet we shared

I haven’t been out here that much in the past two years, mostly because of surgeries or being sick. Plus, most days there seems to always be something to do or somewhere to be… That’s just the way life is, I know… But this place is where I find peace and joy… and myself. I need to do this more often… with you.

– – – – – – –

Can I be honest Babe? How in the world did a “WooHoo-It’s-Friday” become my worst nightmare? And… why does it still hurt so much? And… Do you know how long until we see each other again?

I know… all questions with no answers… I wish I could “get over it,” but love isn’t a switch. (There was so much happiness with you.) I am learning to be more at peace, though… And that’s a good thing, I believe. I am able to find things in life that I enjoy and that make me smile. Today, that includes thinking of you!

– – – – – –

Well, Babe, the day is done… another one for the books… and I still miss you. I would give anything to lay in your arms just one more time. What I wouldn’t give for you to have been with me today. I love you so much, Babe!  (And any dreams you want to visit is A-Okay with me.) I look forward to the day when we are together once again. Thank you for letting me start the day with a laugh and wonderful thoughts of you! (Who knew I would laugh today of all days?)

I love you, Babe… Now and forever!

Me

What about you? How do you spend the anniversary of losing your loved one? Maybe your way of coping is different than mine… Or maybe you just want to share your story or your thoughts… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… It All Seemed So Normal

“Live fully and love fully for you never know what tomorrow holds.” ~ Unknown

It will be seven years next week… It’s hard to believe. There is a part of me that remembers like it was yesterday, and another part that feels like I have been on this journey (alone) forever… As another new year begins, I have found myself spending a lot of quiet moments this past week thinking about our last few weeks together…

It seemed so hard to believe when it happened… Up until the moment Bruce died, life in our home had all seemed so normal. There are so many normal, yet precious, moments in those last few weeks, that I pray I will never forget…

Our new year was supposed to start without any fanfare… We were supposed to go to a neighbor’s house for a short celebration. The plan was to leave by 8 pm, because Bruce had to be up at 3:30 AM to go to work the next day.

However, when the time came to leave, neither of us wanted to go… so we stayed… until midnight. It was so unlike either of us. We both took our jobs and responsibilities quite seriously – never late, always dependable. But that night was different… That night was spent laughing, dancing, holding each other close and reveling in the love we shared.

The next day, Bruce called out for the first time I had ever known, and we spent the day together, as well. We slept in, snuggled a bit, and spent some time on the beach. For dinner, we danced a little more in the kitchen as we cooked. Then, spent the rest of the evening snuggling and reminiscing…

It seemed like the perfect day. In fact, it seemed like the perfect way to start the new year… What could possibly go wrong when the year had started to perfectly?

The week progressed in such a normal fashion…

A couple of days later, as I was driving home from work, I realized my brakes were making noise. When Bruce got home, he immediately headed outside to fix them. It was late, and he was tired, but he was so protective, and never wasted any time to ensure I was safe.

I was so appreciative and asked what I could possibly do for him to make his day a little bit better. I remember laughing when he asked if I would make him one of my chocolate chip pecan pies. (So much for our “healthy” New Year resolutions.) But, without hesitation, I headed into the kitchen, and by the time he had finished fixing my brakes, he had fresh-out-of-the-oven pie waiting for him.

It’s funny, but neither of us really thought a lot about it… It was just how we rolled…

“If they matter to you, let them know.” ~ livelifehappy.com

It really was just a normal week, but I do have few other memories…

Halfway through the week, I received a text from Bruce about some bears being spotted near my office. I don’t work in a remote area… I work in the middle of town. So, I thought he must be teasing me, because I am terrified of bears. But when I challenged him, he “LOL’d,” and sent me link for a news article. Then, he suggested I might want to stay inside and skip walking on my breaks and lunch that day.

I still have that text, and it still cracks me up… How were there bears in the middle of town… and how did he know about it before my office could send out a notice? (Always looking out for me… that’s how!)

Bruce had that Thursday off, but I headed off to work. I had to wake him up to kiss him goodbye, and I remember him playfully trying to pull me back into bed, rather than letting me leave. However, he must not have had too much trouble waking up, because by the time I got to work, I had a text message from him. It was a picture of the sunrise with the words, “The one thing we still haven’t done together. I wish you were with me. I love you.”

I smiled… I wished I were there too… But we lived at the beach… We would have many opportunities to watch the sunrise together… We would just need to plan a day…

I remember the next morning, as Bruce was leaving for work, we hugged each other tight… I can remember leaning my head on his chest and telling him that I wished we never had to say, “goodbye” … I couldn’t wait for the day when we would both retire and just “play” all day. He smiled, kissed me and simply said, “Agreed.” Then, he hugged me close one more time before he left.

It wasn’t unusual for Bruce to work a 14-hour day, and that Friday was no exception. While I worked late, I still beat him home by hours. I had stopped on the way to pick up Chinese food, a favorite for both of us. As I watched his food grow cold, I sent him a message asking when he would be home, because I missed him.

I ended up falling asleep on the couch as I waited but woke up immediately when I heard his key in the lock. Immediately, I ran across the house to greet him. He was tired, but who wouldn’t be? I took his things and put them away. Then, sat with him as he ate his dinner.

We laughed and talked about our day. Then, we started making plans for the weekend and what we wanted to do. He just smiled… too tired to do much talking. The weather was supposed to be beautiful, so we wanted to do something on the water – either the boat or the kayaks. We finally decided on the kayaks since they were brand new (one of our Christmas presents to each other).

We always went to bed together, and that Friday was no exception. Bruce always made sure the house was locked up tight, and the bed was turned down. Then, he would always help me into bed and tuck me in before climbing into his side of the bed. I always turned out the light, then snuggled into his arms with my head on his chest and my legs wrapped in his… and that is how we slept.

I remember as we lay in the bed that night, I was worried about something. I couldn’t tell you what it was now – I don’t remember. But I can remember, him chuckling, kissing the top of my head, and telling me “not to worry – it would all be okay.”

That was our last night together… We never went kayaking that weekend… I never baked him another pie, and he never again fixed my car… We never sent another text to each other… or hugged and kissed goodbye… I never again ran across the room to welcome him home… And we never saw that sunrise together…

All of those “normal” moments were gone, because Bruce never woke up again… Instead my world came crashing down around me.

This is what I am remembering this week… The anniversary of our last week together and Bruce’s death. Yes, it has been seven years, but my heart still aches… Most of the time, it doesn’t feel real. Time has not taken away the hurt and grief. I have just learned how to manage it better…

This week is a tough one for me, and I am asking for your prayers, support and understanding, as I remember and allow myself to grieve for a little while.

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle the anniversary of your loved one’s death? Maybe your way of coping is different than mine… Or maybe you just want to share your story or your thoughts… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

** Since this is a hard week for me and next Sunday is the actual anniversary of Bruce’s death, I will not post a blog next week. I am going to take some of my own advice and do a little self-care. I plan to spend the day in whatever way I need to, without an agenda or responsibilities. Please, take care of yourselves and know that I will be back the following week.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Dear Family and Friends

I spent this last week cruising the Bahamas… I know… It probably sounds like I ran away from Christmas again, but actually we just postponed it until yesterday. Cruising the week of Christmas, though, brought back so many memories… Not just good memories – I am talking great memories…

Why so great? Well, because Bruce and I met the day after Christmas while on a cruise… Back then, we were a small town, Catholic school teacher from SC and a teamster, truck driver from MI… Who knew that day… that moment would change both our lives forever?

This past week as I met new friends and watched new relationships develop, I thought of that week years ago over and over, but I didn’t say a word… I didn’t want to make anyone else uncomfortable or mess up their holiday. In fact, even after we were home, I continued to keep my thoughts and memories to myself. It’s Christmas, after all – the holidays. It’s not supposed to be a time of grief or tears.

However, I wasn’t alone in my thoughts, because someone else brought it up…

I received an absolutely lovely message that mentioned Bruce and I meeting on that cruise years ago, how I was the “love of his life,” and so many wonderful thoughts. I smiled like a Cheshire cat when I read it. Then, at the end there was an apology… My own thoughts reiterated back at me, as I read the heartfelt apology… Just in case the message made me sad or messed up my holiday in any way… Which has led me to this…

To all my friends and family,

I am writing this letter, just in case this has ever entered your mind…

I know it has been (almost) seven years since Bruce passed. In that time, you have watched me go through a lot of pain and (hopefully) growth. I can only imagine that all of this wasn’t easy for you either. Many of you had your own grief to deal with… And then, there was me… And I know, I was a basket case (for a very long time).

In the beginning, every thought and every memory sent me into another wave of grief, which could last for days or weeks. Losing Bruce was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Yet, I know it was hard for all of us. Through the years, I have come to understand that more and more. I pray you will (or have forgiven) my blinders to your own pain and grief during that earlier time.

It has taken me years to get a hold of my emotions and my grief. It took me a long time, but I have learned to smile and laugh again. I have learned to enjoy and appreciate my life, my family, and my friends.

However, to be honest, I have also learned to keep my grief to myself. With the exception of this blog, I rarely share my thoughts and feelings… or my still present grief. Why? Well, it’s a little complicated, I suppose.

Admittedly, there is a small part of me that is worried I will be judged because I’m not “over it” yet. But mostly, it is because I don’t want to ruin your day… I don’t want to go back to that time when I seemed to always bring everyone else down… So, even if it is a good memory or story, on the one hand, I don’t want you to think I am still obsessing about Bruce and the loss of “us.” But neither do I want to remind you of your own pain and grief.

However, after this week, I realized that we may both be avoiding the same things. So please, if you want to talk about Bruce, do it! Tell me a story, share a feeling, grieve for what we lost, or let me know you need a hug (real or virtual) … And, please, please, please, don’t ever hesitate to do so…

I love thinking of him… I love stories about him. I love hearing how he fit in others’ lives and the relationships you shared with him. I love all of it!

All of these bring me joy and make me smile… All of these remind me that although he is gone physically, he is still here amongst us. For as long as his life and legacy are spoken out loud… For as long as we who knew him, remember and speak of him, he is not forgotten, and he will continue to live in our hearts…

And that will never make me sad.

I love you all and thank you for all your love and support on this journey!

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? Do you ever hesitate to speak of your loved one because you are worried about the reaction that might follow? Do you love to hear others speak of your loved one? Do you think others hesitate to speak of them because of how you might respond? Maybe your way of coping is different than mine… Or maybe you just want to share your thoughts… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Christmas Your Way

I’m unwrapping all these memories,
fighting back the tears.
It’s just a different kind of Christmas this year.
~ Mark Shultz

Today, I just want to share a little bit of what I have learned through the years. It is not a lecture, nor is it the only way to do any of this. It is merely, what I have found works for me. Perhaps, there is someone else out there trying to figure out this “holiday thing,” and if this can help even one person, then it is worth being said…

To start, let me say that the sentiment above seems true every year… Every year, I get a little better at participating in the season… And last year, I was finally able to actually start loving it again. Yet, I still have my moments of feeling overwhelmed with heartache, especially when something triggers a memory of Christmases past with Bruce… and all the love that filled the season when we were together.

As I have said before, that first year I couldn’t even manage to be anywhere near anything Christmas. I ran away, I guess you would say. I spent the week on a yacht in the Keys – ignoring the holiday… and the world.
The next year, I found myself spending the holiday in my and Bruce’s favorite vacation spot on the Alabama coast. I wasn’t alone. I had a few family members around me. I even managed to participate a little bit, but it was still a hard struggle. Thankfully, there was a beach, where I could go for long walks (and cry without bothering anyone else).

Each year since, has found me participating a little bit more. Even so, for many years it has been a lot of smiling on the outside and trying to enjoy all that is “Christmas,” while crying on the inside for all I am missing. Then last year, I finally reached the point of truly enjoying the holiday. I found myself smiling on the outside and the inside… Perhaps it was the fight to live last year, but 2018 definitely found me feeling hopeful once again… and that was where I found my Christmas spirit.

However, it hasn’t been an easy ride. Even now, I still have to keep my emotions in check. Otherwise, it would be very easy to fall back down that rabbit hole of sadness, where there seems to be no hope at all.

This is where it gets a little technical, I suppose. I tend to be a list person. In fact, when Bruce died, I spent a lot of time in the beginning researching how to deal with grief… How to get past it. What did I need to do to get past all the hurt in my heart? It seemed simple enough… I just needed a list of things to do, so I could feel better and move on.

I soon learned it wasn’t that simple though. Life rarely is…

However, through the years, I have learned to do a few things to make the holidays something I could survive, … and even now enjoy. And while things have been better these last two years, I still follow these tips… So, maybe, someone else can use a few of these this week, as well.

1. It’s okay to say no… Really… It is. This is still your life and doing Christmas without your loved one by your side is hard. You won’t be any good to anyone else if you don’t take care of you. So have a little bit of what I call, sacred selfishness, and only do the things you can. If you are feeling too sad to go to a party, even if it is the last moment, it is okay to not go. During this time, give yourself permission to say, “no.”

(Remember, that first year I said no to everything, and look where I am now.) Don’t feel guilty… Grief is real… Your pain is real. It’s not only okay to take care of yourself, it’s actually better for everyone in the long run. You can’t do or be everything for everyone else. Trust me… they will be okay.

2. It’s okay to change your mind or leave at the last minute. In fact, think ahead and have a “just in case” plan in mind… In other words, have an exit strategy planned, because you never know when a grief wave will hit. It is much better to have a plan in your pocket, then to run away blindly, creating drama in your wake. This season can be overwhelming, and it is easy to over-commit. Even that reasoning can be understood by others, if you aren’t comfortable talking about your sadness.

I can’t tell you how many times I have done exactly this… In the moment, I have accepted an invitation to something. However, when the time came to go, my head-space wasn’t there… I couldn’t do it. I knew it would not be good for anyone… So, I made my apologies and bowed out. Of course, this also means, not committing to hosting anything either. That is something I still don’t do… I still need to feel like I can leave or not go at all, if that is what I need to do.

3. It’s okay to feel what you feel… and try to surround yourself with people who support that, as well. In other words, if something makes you sad, let yourself cry. Or, if something makes you happy, don’t feel guilty for that. In fact, let yourself enjoy every little thing you possibly can… We all know the holidays can be especially hard, and joyful moments can be rare. Of course, the people around you can often make or break this one. There are those who will be supportive and there are those who will try to talk you out of your feelings. The thing is… You can never work through a feeling, if you aren’t allowed to feel it in the first place. So, be good to yourself, and seek out those people who will be understanding – allowing you to feel and work your way through your feelings.

I think that first year, I ran away because I didn’t trust myself with my feelings, much less anyone else. However, through time, I have learned just how blessed I actually am. I have many people, family and friends, who are quite supportive, especially during the holidays. I hear a lot of “Do you feel up to this? It’s okay if you don’t.” Or just lots of extra hugs and patience, as they let me work my way through this season and my own feelings. These are the people I keep close to my heart… These are the people I know I can count on no matter what I am feeling.

4. It’s okay to include your loved in new ways… There are many ways to honor your loved throughout the holidays. (This is one area you can research and find endless answers.) For me, this has been a great way to bridge my feelings with the holidays. For example, the first year I decided to decorate again, I opened the first box and found Bruce’s stocking right on top. At first, I struggled with what to do with it. I finally decided to hang it up, which I continue to do each year. Next to it, I place a small box of paper and a pen. Whenever anyone remembers a story about Bruce, we write it on the paper and place it in the stocking. Those papers are left in the stocking and each year it gets fatter and fatter. Now each year when I pull it out, it is a great reminder of all the precious moments and love Bruce shared with all of us.

I also include him in the meal with a short candle-lighting ceremony. I didn’t come up with it, and I can’t remember where I found it originally. However, here it is…

I set up his picture with six candles around it. Before we say our blessing, we light the candles and remember him. Just so you know, most of the time someone else does the reading, because this is where I tend to get choked up with emotion. (Remember – do what you can, feel what you feel, and have supportive people around you.)

“Today, we light six candles in honor of you:
1. This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It is a reminder of the depth of our love for you.
2. This candle represents our courage – to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, and to change our lives.
3. This candle is in your memory – the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, and the caring and joy you gave us.
4. This candle is the light of love. Day by day, we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. Thank you for the gift your life brought to each of us.
5. This candle is the light of hope. It reminds us of love and memories of you that are ours forever.
6. This candle is the light of eternity – for the day when we will see you again in all God’s glory. We will be together again. We will have healthy, whole bodies and can explore the wonders of heaven together.
May the light of the Lord be our source of hopefulness now and forever. Amen.”

When Bruce died, I felt lost… abandoned… completely hopeless. I didn’t really care what the next day held, because no matter what a day might hold, it would be without Bruce. The holidays made that especially hard. But as time has passed, I have learned to feel hope again… I have learned to appreciate the brevity of life and the preciousness of each moment we have together. That is what makes the holidays hard at times… There is the struggle between missing what was and appreciating what is.

Today I have shared what I have learned so far on this journey… That doesn’t make me an expert. Shoot, in a few more years, I hope I will have learned a little more. So, if you are reading this, and you are new to loss, or still trying to figure out how to move forward without your loved one, please know that you are in my prayers. And my prayer for you is that you can find that hope again… The hope that life is worth our time and our curiosity. The hope that each day will hold something so precious in store that we wouldn’t want to miss it.

So, on this Sunday before Christmas, I pray that you will have a Christmas season filled with joy and laughter… and especially hope. Because those are the things that make life all it is meant to be.

There are no rules for surviving holiday grief.
Do what you need to survive.
Honor your loved one how you need to,
And do what feels best for your fragile, aching heart.
You are missing a huge piece of you.
So do whatever you need to do to find a sliver of peace.
~ Angela Miller

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sf6_JBLTNAM

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How does this season effect you? Are you able to celebrate? Or are you still struggling just to hang on and get to the other side of this season? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Learning to Love the Holidays

If there were something that I believe many of us dealing with loss have in common this time of year, it would be the struggle as we learn to love the holidays again. Of course, that makes the assumption that we loved the holidays before we started on this journey. If not, then I guess that holidays hold other challenges. For me, though, I loved the holidays before… Now, it is a constant struggle… learning to love them again.

Each year, I feel like I do a little bit better. While there are challenges and even days when I seem to back track, most days I am moving forward… even if it is just a little bit. The first few years were the worst! In fact, the first year I ignored the holidays all together… I just couldn’t do it. The next year, I managed to participate a little bit… Then, each year has found me doing just a little bit more.

In fact, sometimes it is hard to remember the pain I felt that first year… sometimes. However, last week at our office holiday party, I was reminded just how hard that first year is…

For me, I was looking forward to this year’s party. First of all, I love the people I work with… They are like family to me. They have been by my side since Bruce died and have seen me through many tough days. To that, add the fact that two of my adult children work in the same office with me, and you can see I have a grand mix of work family and real family. The idea that we were all going to be at this party together was something I was looking so forward to…

However, that would not have been the case a few short years ago, and I was reminded of that fact almost immediately. As we walked in, there was food and drinks, friends and hugs, music and laughter… lots and lots of laughter. As I sat and talked, I looked around the room people watching – enjoying the atmosphere and the spirit of fun and friendships.

Then, I saw someone whom I really never expected to be there. It was one of our managers… One of the kindest men I know. Earlier this year (not so long ago really), he lost his wife. It’s his story to tell – not mine – but it was a shock to all of us. Knowing how I felt that first year and remembering how I avoided absolutely everything that had to do with the holidays, I really didn’t expect to see him there… But he was.

As he smiled and greeted each person, the pain in his eyes was heartbreaking… Honestly, I don’t know that many people would have noticed, but coming from a similar scenario of loss, my heart broke. Yet, I knew why he was there… It was for his employees – not himself. Something most of us can relate to, I am sure.

How many times have you done something or gone somewhere because it meant a lot to the people around you, not because it was anything you really wanted to do? Many times, I would guess… We all have.

In fact, it is that very behavior that has slowly (over time) helped me to learn to love the holidays again…

That first year, I ran away. The next year, I went to my daughter’s home, but I didn’t really participate. The next year, I remember actually singing Christmas carols once again. Each year, I have pushed myself to do a little bit more – to participate a little bit more – not because I necessarily wanted to, but because I knew how much it meant to the people around me.

Then, over time… a lot of time, I can honestly say that I am finally learning to truly love the holidays again. Last year and this year, I have loved the holidays – something I never thought I would do again.

Maybe you are where I am. Maybe you are even further down that path. However, if you are new to this journey or still struggling with the holidays, that’s okay. Be kind to yourself… I can honestly tell you that you should only do what you feel like you can handle – no more… and don’t feel guilty about it. This is a hard time of year. So, take it one day at a time, and know that it’s absolutely okay to take care of yourself.

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle the holidays? Do you find yourself doing those things you want to do or what others expect? Do you struggle to take of your own needs? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Makin’ It Through the Holidays

“I miss you” … I think this has been my mantra for the past couple of weeks. Don’t misunderstand – I have smiled and laughed. I have enjoyed my time with my kids. I have loved cooking and decorating and shopping and playing Christmas music… I have loved all of it… But… I miss him…

With every dish I cook, I think about whether or not it was one he liked, and how many times we debated whether or not the sweet potato casserole with brown sugar and pecans on top counted as a vegetable (me) or a dessert (him). We never agreed but laughed every time!

With every ornament, I am reminded of our first Christmas together when he pulled out his one box of decorations… and I pulled out 18 boxes. Our tiny little condo was over-stuffed with Christmas. I thought he wouldn’t like it, but instead he grinned from ear to ear and said it truly felt like Christmas for the first time in a very long time.

With every shopping trip, I find myself looking for him and thinking about the gifts we gave each other over the years. There were years when we gave each other “traveling adventures” to new places… And other years when we were content to just have the gift of being together.

And… With every Christmas song played… I either laugh and sing because he loved the music as much as I did (or he pretended to) … or I cry, because each song seems to remind me of him and of some precious memory together.

And to be honest… all of this reminds me that another year has passed… He is still gone… And once again, I am spending another Christmas without him…

So, what do I do? … Well, for the last few days, I have cried… a lot. I seem to wake up crying. Then, I cry in the shower. I cry as I drive to and from work. And I cry when I crawl into bed at night.

I know it seems ridiculous… Emotionally, I have really come so far (or so I thought). But everywhere I look, I see and experience things that I want to share with Bruce… But he isn’t here… And so, I am reminded over and over again that he is gone… and I am alone.

To add to all this, there have been several conversations around me lately that have caught me a little off guard. There was one conversation amongst my friends, where they were discussing what they would do if their spouse died. Would they remarry? Would they date? How would they live their lives? Each of them with a firm opinion.

Now, first of all, this conversation was not about me in any way. It started as a conversation about someone else’s loss. But they went on and on for (what felt like) quite a while, talking about what they would do… or not do. I listened but didn’t add anything.

What could I say? None of them knew me when I was married to Bruce so many years ago, and they were completely oblivious to the fact that I had (and was still) dealing with this exact scenario.

Truthfully, I wasn’t offended, and I did contemplate saying something… I wanted to tell them that no one has any idea how they will respond to the loss of a spouse until it actually happens to them. However, I didn’t… for a few reasons.

First, it would have fallen on deaf ears. After all, most of us are pretty sure we know how we would respond to someone else’s circumstances. It is normal, and as many times as we learn the lesson that this is wrong, we all still seem to do it.

Second, it would have created a very awkward, sudden stop to the conversation. I experienced a lot of this during the first few years after Bruce died. I couldn’t seem to control my mouth and would throw my two cents worth into these conversations. I’ll just say that I found it does some damage… It creates a wall, and just isn’t worth it, not in my book anyway….

And finally… Who am I to judge or correct? After all, before Bruce died, I thought many of the same things they were saying.

So, I sat and half-listened… I felt a little bit rude, but I couldn’t fully engage, because I was struggling to control my emotions… They wanted to say what they thought, and I needed to control what I knew.

There have been several of these types of conversations lately, and I could go on and on explaining each one. But why? They all carry a similar theme – people contemplating how they would live their life as a widow(er) – a topic which they really know nothing about… So, what do I do?

Well there are two sides to this… One is the quick – let it go… Which I have learned to do a lot of over the years. After all, contemplating what you would do in a situation you have never encountered is just human nature. What do I know? I only know what I have done, not what anyone else might do.

“Learn to be okay with people not knowing your side of the story.
You have nothing to prove to anyone.”
~ Unknown

And the other part of the answer came this week in the form of a 10-year-old boy – my grandson…

As we were driving home earlier this week, he was telling me about his day at school and all the 4th grade “news of the day.” At one point, it dawned on me… He had originally said it was a great day, but in his tales, he was really focusing on a lot of negatives.

At one point, he even said, “Do you know what really bugs me? It’s when someone…” And he went on in great detail about what bugs him.

“Did that happen to you today?” I asked. “Did someone do that to you?”

“No,” he said, “but I hate it when it does happen.”

“Well, baby,” I said, “It sounds like you are looking for things to be upset about. Everything you have shared is negative… It sounds like you are focusing on the wrong things.”

Then it dawned on me… So am I… For the past few weeks, consciously or not, I have been focusing on all sad things – all the things I am doing without Bruce.

Last year, I was so happy to be alive… I missed Bruce, but I was so happy to be with my family and to be healthy again, that was my focus. But this year I have somehow fallen into the old trap of focusing on what is missing and what was… not on all the blessing and what is. While I would like to deny it, I have looked for things to be offended about in conversations, rather than chalking it up to human nature and not knowing any better… and then letting it go.

Now what? well… I am resolved to take my own advice. My goal is to look for the blessings and to see the joy in each day… Yes, Bruce is gone, and it’s okay to grieve that. But I am still here… surrounded by family and friends who love me… Maybe it’s a good thing that they just see me as me (not as the perpetual widow), and they love me and support me just for being me…
I am blessed beyond words, and this is a season of joy… and that is to be my focus going forward this season.

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle the holidays? Do you find memories around every corner? Do you struggle to focus on the positives around you, too? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Time to Be Grate

“Gratitude isn’t a natural response to adversity;
It’s a discipline you develop.”
~ Unknown

Thanksgiving has always been a “family” holiday in my mind. Our family has always come together to celebrate… For us, the day is centered on great conversations, playful banter, sharing stories, laughter and love. Growing up, my family always spent the day at one of my grandparents’ homes. I loved playing with my cousins and listening to the grown-ups talk into the late hours of the night.

My first husband was military, and we lived too far away from either of our families to celebrate the day with them. So, the day was spent with friends and strangers who would have otherwise spent the day alone. Everyone pitched in and the day was spent sharing what we had… food, stories and friendships.

When Bruce and I were first married, we were living in Michigan, so we usually spent the day with his family… until we moved to Florida, that is. However, even then, we seemed to always have someone in the family with us for Thanksgiving… even if only for a few hours.

But when Bruce died everything changed…

That first Thanksgiving came ten months after Bruce passed away. At that point, I’m not sure if I was just still too numb or if the pain was still too raw… Or a combination of both. I do, however, remember I couldn’t bring myself to celebrate anything. Life had thrown me a curve ball, and I didn’t feel thankful about anything. I was still hurting too much, and the idea of celebrating a “family” holiday, when the person I loved was gone… well… that was more than I could handle.

So instead, I ignored the holiday, and spent the day at a theme park with my youngest daughter and her friend. At this point, memories of that day have faded into a blur. However, I know it created the distraction I needed, while still allowing me to spend time with someone I love.

The next year, I decided it was time to join the rest of the world and celebrate… It was time to try and say “Thank you” again. I was still hurting, but I wanted to spend time with family and loved ones, so I spent a very quiet holiday with one of my daughters and her family. It was a wonderfully, simple holiday – a very good way to ease back into the idea of celebrating without Bruce. A good portion of the day was spent just breathing, and no one pushed me to do more than I felt ready to handle. There were smiles and laughter, and with love and support, I did it… In fact, by the end of the day I knew exactly what I was thankful for – the love of my family.

The third year, I got a little bit braver again… This was the year I traveled to merry old England to spend the holiday with my oldest daughter and her husband. A first it seemed so odd to celebrate Thanksgiving in a country that does not share this holiday.

We had a lovely time shopping for a “bird” and “American” ingredients which were nearly impossible to find. Yet, everyone else seemed eager to pitch in… They were so curious and more than happy to help us find all the “traditional foods” we needed for our feast. The day itself couldn’t have been better! It was beautiful… another quiet celebration filled with love and laughter… and a few tears… But once again, I was reminded of what I have to be grateful for… the people I love.

The next year was different again. My daughter and grandson had moved in with me just a few months earlier, and he was spending Thanksgiving with his father in another state. It felt strange and wrong… There was definite grieving for a family (and a tradition) gone. It was my daughter’s first holiday without her little Bubba, and for reasons I completely understood, we chose to spend the holiday traveling rather than celebrating with the traditional family feast.

The day was quiet, the beach was soothing, and the company was loving… That year, once again, it was a holiday to be “survived” rather than “enjoyed.” I missed Bruce, and we both missed having our little Bubba to make us smile and give us hugs. I’m not sure how, but we made it through… So grateful to be a family again at the end of the weekend.

In the years following, I have not only gotten braver, I am genuinely grateful for the many blessings in my life. Our family has gone back to old traditions with an old fashioned, “everyone’s coming” Thanksgiving. My daughter and I spend days cooking and cleaning in preparation. We make all the traditional foods my children grew up eating. Then, we throw in a few games for laughter and entertainment.

I have to be honest, though, this time of year is still hard… Why? Because this is the time of year where the focus is on family. And while I have a wonderful family, for me there will always be someone missing… Bruce. It breaks my heart all over again every time I think about it. Then add in the part about being grateful, and the struggle gets just a little bit harder.

For years when I read the verse, from 1 Thessalonians, “Be thankful in all circumstances,” I couldn’t understand it. How in the world could I be thankful for this? Why would God ask this from me? I couldn’t understand… And I couldn’t do it.

This year, though, I realized my mistake… It doesn’t say “for all circumstances.” It says “in all circumstances.” In other words, I’m not expected to be thankful for the loss of Bruce. (God understands and joins me in my pain.) What he is asking of me is to be able to find things I am grateful for, even IN my grief… And I have found that I can do that just fine.

So this month I have been making time each day to be grateful… making time to look around at all the things I take for granted and truly see the many blessings all around me…

First and foremost, I am alive. Despite two bouts with cancer in 18 months, I am still here to enjoy all the other blessings I am surrounded by. Because he lives with me, I get to watch my grandson grow up, not to mention the very special bond we have developed over the past few years. Because most of my family lives within a few hours’ drive, I get to spend a good bit of time with them, especially my kids and my sister. Each morning, I am blessed to watch the sunrise, and each evening, to watch it set. I am able to laugh… and run… and enjoy life moment by moment.

If there is one thing I learned when Bruce died, it was how short and unpredictable life is. Through the years since then, I have learned that many of the things I thought were important before, really aren’t. In the past, I wasted time worrying or being upset about things that either never happened, don’t matter now or aren’t even remembered anymore.

All of this craziness that I call “my life” is a gift I couldn’t appreciate a few years ago. This life is a gift I wasn’t sure I would continue to experience a year ago… But it is my gift, and I have learned that life, love, and living each moment in a state of gratitude is what is important… It is about taking the time to be grateful each and every day.

“Gratitude is an attitude you choose,
Not a reaction to your circumstances.”
~ Unknown

What about you? Does any of this strike a chord with you? How do you handle family holidays? Have you always been able to be grateful or have you struggled with being grateful? Maybe you have found a different way to cope… There is no one right answer. Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

NOTE: Due to family time, I will be off schedule next week. I will be taking next week off in order to spend the weekend with my family. Thank you for understanding my need to enjoy my precious time with those I love.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… A Sad Day

Sometimes it really does seem like when it rains, it pours…

If you read this blog with any regularity, then you are probably already aware that this is a rough time of year for me emotionally. It’s not just the holidays… There are a lot of special days, as well. For example, just last week was Bruce’s and my wedding anniversary.

You may also remember that just a few weeks ago, our little family lost one of our cats, Duffy. Well, in the days since then, our oldest cat, Frogmore, has been on a steady decline…

He and Duffy had been together since Bruce and I got married. That means they had been together, day and night, for about 14 years, and he has very obviously missed her. While before, you would never have guessed he was such an old cat, this week has left no doubt.

Watching this decline, we are pretty sure Duffy was the one taking care of him. Almost immediately, we began to notice little things… For example, he couldn’t hear us… If we wanted him to come to us, we had to find him. We also realized that his sight became limited to shadows, at best, which means he couldn’t see at all in the dark.

Up until this week, he still seemed to be managing. However, this week has brought on a distinct difference. First of all, he was eating and drinking a lot less than normal. Also, his back legs were giving out from under him every few steps. Earlier this week, my daughter placed a shoe box on the ground, and that quickly became his second favorite place to be… As he lay in it, the sides would hold him up so he could still see what was going on around him. This is where he spent his days while we were at work and school.

Once we got home, however, all he wanted was to be in my arms… I could stand or sit, he didn’t care. He just wanted to lay his head on my arm, and every so often he would reach up with his arm and pull me closer into a hug. On the one hand, I loved it, and on the other, it broke my heart.

I think he knew his time was growing short… And I just wanted to breathe him in for as long as possible…

Frogmore was right at 20 years old. When my second daughter was a teenager, he was found as a kitten outside the store where she worked. The local Voodoo priestess had presented the kitten to her, with simple instructions to “love him.” He was immediately named for the sleepy town where we lived, Frogmore.

Throughout her last years of high school, she and Frogmore were inseparable. He slept on her pillow and brought her “gifts” of whatever he had hunted that day. She took care of him day and night, even through relentless cancer treatments in the early days.

Only once did he run away… My daughter had just left for college, and I would swear, he went looking for her. From that day forward, though, Frogmore has been by my side. He moved to Michigan (where he met Bruce’s cat, Duffy) and back here to Florida. He was the Winnie the Pooh of cats, with a heart of gold, a love of food and completely at peace with life.

We have had many pets through the years. Most of them died on their own – of natural causes or old age. Yet, this isn’t the first time we have had to make this decision. The first time was many years ago with our boxer. She had Lymphoma, and I hate to admit it, but we waited too long. She was in great pain and unable to move by the time we were able to let her go. It was totally selfish on our part, and not fair to her. With Duffy, we had no idea she was in any distress until we came home that day. With Frogmore, I wanted to do better.

So today, we said, “Goodbye.”

In theory, it sounds so simple… But it isn’t. It wasn’t an easy decision, and in fact, I have put it off a few times because I just couldn’t. However, I didn’t want him to suffer… I didn’t want something to happen and have him lay for hours waiting for us to get home. I didn’t want him to be in any more pain… In other words, it was probably one of the hardest decisions I have made, but I wanted to do right by him.

So here I sit – crying…

I know he was a cat… But he has been a part of this family for 20 years, and my heart is breaking. He has been by my side through so many milestones and pain points. He grieved with me when Bruce died, and I know he has grieved the loss of Duffy, (probably even more than we have). And now, today, we are grieving him…

Thank you, Frogmore, for always being here… For loving me through thick and thin… You will be missed more than you know, and I will love you always and forever!

What about you? I know I am writing about a pet today, but have you been here too? All of the pets Bruce and I shared are gone, and it is like another bridge to Bruce has closed. If you know what I mean, please share your story. This is OUR community, and I would love to hear from you. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Celebrating Our Anniversary

This week held our anniversary. Rather than writing something new, I think the best words to describe how I feel are the ones I wrote to Bruce…

Hi Babe!

Happy Anniversary! Fourteen years… Wow! Today marks the date when I have celebrated just as many anniversaries alone as we did together… That feels really strange… I can’t even wrap my head around it.

Yesterday I woke up crying and had to fight the tears all day. Everything seemed to remind me of you, and the idea of celebrating alone… again… was just too much for this heart to bear. Plus, the weather has matched my mood – dark clouds and overcast all day yesterday and rain all night. This morning there has been a lot of dark clouds and drizzle with small breaks of sunshine… just like the way I am feeling – sad and crying, yet, so joyful to have experienced our love and wanting to celebrate that.

I went for a walk on the beach where your ashes were scattered, just to talk to you for a while. (Now, I am just sitting out here writing to you.) Sometimes it feels like you are right here beside me… I would swear I can hear you and almost feel your touch. But then, I look around, and I am all alone. Today, there is absolutely no one else out here… Just you and I. I suppose it is because of the weather, but it’s nice to be just the two of us.

The ocean is so wild today. There are so many waves, and they are crashing in on themselves in a fury… Maybe that is just a little bit of what I am feeling too.

I keep thinking of so many memories of us here on this beach… So many Sundays spent holding hands and watching the waves for hours. There was a magic here for us, that still lingers… I miss that… I miss you!

Sometimes I wonder if this “missing you” will ever stop. I wonder if my life will ever feel whole again. Or if I will always feel like the rudder is missing, and I am just drifting.

I truly can’t believe it’s been fourteen years since we were married. I’ll always remember that day… How nervous we both were to be doing this marriage thing again – something we had both sworn we would never do again. I remember the night before… I was terrified! I kept thinking about my first marriage – all the chaos and abuse… and how I had lost myself somewhere in the struggle to keep peace and just survive. The idea that it could happen again was terrifying!

I remember you holding me close and telling me we didn’t to get married… We could just be together… You told me that you loved me and that was that. We didn’t need a piece of paper or anyone else’s approval for that. Looking back, I think that was all I needed to hear – a reassurance that it was a choice, and you would always love me… either way.

I remember every moment of the next day. Going to the town where you grew up to eat lunch, buying our wedding champagne flutes to toast our big day, setting up for a mini-reception at the condo, getting dressed, going to the courthouse waiting what felt like forever for our turn with the judge, your Dad joking with us and trying to ease our nerves, our families being there to support us, and… the actual ceremony.

I remember holding your hands and looking into your eyes the entire time. (It was as if no one else were even there… Just the two of us in that moment.) You held my gaze and filled my heart with peace knowing this was right… That feeling has never left me.

Marrying you was the best decision I ever made, and I will celebrate this day for the rest of my life!

I love you, Babe – Always and Forever!
Me

What about you? How do you handle those special days of the year? Do you celebrate? Do you cry? Do you have mixed emotions? Or do you still need support in that area? Would you be willing to share your story or your thoughts? Please do… This is our community. To share your thoughts and experiences go to the comments and leave your message.*

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