Tag: grieve

Peace, Love and Grief… Precious memories

Wishes and Memories

I dance with you in my mind.
You hold me next to you.
I feel your heartbeat and the strength of your arms.
As the music plays, we move gently and gracefully as one.
Then it ends with a kiss
As I wish for one more dance.

I laugh with you in my dreams.
I see your sweet smile and your kind gentle eyes.
I hear you start to chuckle.
Your smile grows.
Then you wink at me
As I wish for more laughter

I make love with you in my heart
I feel your strength and your gentleness.
Your compassion and love flow through me with every touch
And each sweet kiss.
We become one in that moment.
I lay in your arms as you hold me close;
Gently kissing my lips, my eyes, my fingertips
As I wish for one more loving moment with you.

One more dance.
One more laugh.
One more chance to love you.

Then, I realize…
these moments are always with me.

~ Linda, September 14, 2013

Growing up I can remember my grandmother always referring to her “precious memories.” She always had a story about her boys or one of us – the grandchildren… and later her great-grands. She would smile, tell the story and always end it with a sigh and the words – “another one of my precious memories.” After my grandfather died, she would sit wearing his sweater for comfort and talk about her “precious memories” of the man who had shared her life and her soul for most of her life.

Now, I find myself understanding more and more what her life was like after my grandfather died and just how precious those memories are.

When Bruce first died, I was terrified I would forget something. It was so important not to forget anything. I felt like that would be the same as breaking a promise or being disloyal to him in someway. I wanted to remember every story and every detail. For example, the way his eyes twinkled when he had pulled one over on me and was waiting for me to catch on, or the way he would come up behind me in the kitchen and hug me from behind as he kissed my neck and watched me cook.

Such precious, precious memories…

In the first few years, I did a lot of things to “save” those memories… and don’t get me wrong – I am so glad I did. I did (and still do) a lot of writing. Whenever I remember a story, I write it down. I also took every email, note and card that I could find, put them in order and placed them in an album. I love reading those messages and remembering the feelings and stories surrounding each one. I have photo albums from pre-us (birth – mid 40s) up to just days before he died. I even kept his cell phone because it still has the last 2 weeks’ worth of text messages between us.

Preserving these memories was quite cathartic for me. I tried to be as creative as possible since that has always been my outlet in some form. Plus, it gave me something to do that kept me busy and felt important. Now I know, it was important and I am so glad I did it.

For a long time, though, it was hard to read or look at any of these without crying and spiraling down emotionally. Sometimes, I wondered if I was crazy. I wanted to read them. I wanted to remember. More important, I wanted to feel comfort from them. But instead, each time I found myself crying… Crying because I miss him… Crying for all that was lost… Crying because there would be no more “new” precious memories to fill these books. I couldn’t make it through more than a few pages without falling completely apart.

In my anxiety and struggle to remember, I was so caught up in the details that I found myself forgetting the joy that went with those memories… and that is the part that made them so precious. What I didn’t realize was the fact that because I love Bruce, the memories will be there. It was the love between our two souls that created those precious memories – not what time of day it was or the exact words we spoke.

But time and God have been on my side. I have learned to read these only while I can manage to smile. If I start to cry, I take a breath to see if I am spiraling down or smiling through the tears.

If I am crying without a smile, I stop. I know from experience that to continue will not be good for me at that moment. I know that I am focusing on the wrong things… the negative things… the concrete physical things that are gone. I know that the anger and distrust will follow if I don’t turn it around.

However, if I am still smiling through the tears, then I know I am okay. I may be sad but I am still thankful for that memory and that precious moment in time. I am focused on the love, joy and blessings that created our relationship.

That is my goal now… learning how to handle the memories… to appreciate those moments. I won’t lie, I wish Bruce were still here, but that can’t be. Instead I am growing and learning … Learning that as long as I have those “precious memories,” I will always have a part of Bruce in my heart and in my soul…

And I can never forget that…

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… I still cry, but somehow it’s not the same

Tears

People ask me if I still cry…
I wake up in the morning with only your picture next to me…
And I cry.

As I get dressed, I think of how you would come in each morning to tell me it was time for you to go as you kissed me…
And I cry.

At work, people make comments about my grief and pain; I smile at them and try to remember that they have no idea what they are saying…
And I cry.

I come home to an empty house and spend the evening alone…
And I cry.

I put on your t-shirt and crawl into our big bed… alone… no one to hold me; no one to kiss me…
And I cry.

So when people ask me if I still cry, I say –
Not all the time…
but sometimes… I still cry

~ Linda, January 18, 2014

Some people will ask… others just assume one way or the other. Either way is okay, but trust me… 2.5 years later – I still cry. Up until a few weeks ago, it was everyday; a few times a day. Unless you have been here and walked this path, I’m not sure if this will make any sense. However, if you are on this path, maybe this will sound familiar.

When Bruce first died, people told me that time would help heal my grief… I’ve learned that is a little bit misleading. Here’s what I mean…

The term “heal” can be misleading because it can mean something different to each person. I thought it meant, I wouldn’t be sad or hurt anymore. I thought it meant that after “some” time, I would go back to being “me” again. But that isn’t how grief has worked out at all.

Experiences change you… Grief changes you… I soon realized that I would NEVER be the “me” I had been before Bruce died.

In the beginning, the pain was so deep and the shock so intense, I felt as if I couldn’t even breathe. Trying to make sense of it all was impossible. I couldn’t understand “why” – Why Bruce? Why us? Why now? Why him and not me? Why was I still here… all alone? None of it made sense.

To say I felt like I was drowning in my own grief would not be an understatement.

As the shock wore off, reality set in and the pain changed as well. I’m not really sure how to describe it… It was still there… it was still deep. Like a wound that never quite heals; always needing care and a fresh bandage.

After a while, it just becomes a part of your life… a part of who you are. That was my grief – It became a part of my everyday life. I thought I was handling it better publicly, although privately not much changed. The pain and sadness were still there.

I started this blog to try to explain some of these emotions… The idea of the emotional chaos that comes with grief. The concept of trying (with every fiber in your being) to just be normal… but knowing you will never be “normal” again.

I wanted people understand that a loss this intense changes you in ways that shake you to the core… That is what is normal… That is what I have been trying to navigate each day – one moment at a time.

In these 2.5 years, I have found myself questioning everything about my life… my faith, my God, other people… even my very existence. Before I trusted everyone… I believed in God’s goodness and always saw the best in other people. But as time passed, the trust that used to be second nature to me seemed to be replaced by feelings of distrust and abandonment.

But, thankfully, that’s not the end of the story…

A few weeks ago, while on a retreat, I had a shift… a shift in my grief and a huge shift in attitude. In those quiet, peace-filled days, I came to realize that Bruce’s death was not some divine punishment. God does not hate me… God and Bruce have not abandoned me. As much as I might not like it, the simple truth is – Bruce had fulfilled his purpose.

He left a beautiful legacy behind by blessing so many lives, especially mine… And that is the other half of the story – my life isn’t over. I need to pick up the baton and keep running… There is a reason Bruce came into my life, and there is a reason I am still here.

I know I will still have sad days… days where I miss Bruce and will still cry. (I had a couple this week.) But it was different this time… I was sad, and I cried, but the feelings of distrust and abandonment were not there… I knew I wasn’t alone. I was just sad – plain and simple.

As I write this, I don’t know what the future will hold. I only know I have to be willing and open to whatever it is… And I find that I am actually excited about whatever is next.

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… A little something for all of us

This holiday weekend was a special time for me… No, I did not spend it with my kids or family or friends. I spent it alone… in retreat… reconnecting. I have called it a Self Retreat when talking to my friends but that really doesn’t convey what this weekend has been all about… it has been about slowing down and reconnecting within.

In life, so many times I find myself caught up in what the world expects of me… maybe you have too. I am referring to that driving feeling that I must make sure everyone else is happy and content before I am “allowed” to consider my own needs. (Anything less would be considered selfish.) For me, these needs show up in many ways – through conversations, phone calls, email, texts, social media… and the list goes on and on…

There is nothing wrong with any of these things, and in all honesty, I believe that my true purpose is one of service to others. I am definitely relationally driven. I am passionate about helping, supporting and serving those around me. It brings me joy… until…

Until I allow it to get out of control… The more I leave my true self behind, the more overwhelmed I become.

When I start letting my own basic need of living a healthy life – physically, spiritually and emotionally – take a back seat to EVERYONE and EVERYTHING then I find myself in trouble. I find myself becoming tired, run down, unfocused and resentful.

For many women, this is especially true since we are raised to be the care-takers, the nurturers and the givers… it seems to be somewhere in our nature to take care of everyone else first, which rarely leaves any time for ourselves. Yet, we are not victims to anyone but ourselves… After all, we are the ones that let it get out of hand.

Have you flown on a commercial airline lately? Do you recall the instructions in the pre-flight safety speech? If the oxygen masks fall, put yours on first. Then, assist anyone around you, such as children. Why do they say this? Well, if we do not put our mask on first, (before we pass out) there is a very good chance, we will not get anyone’s mask on at all. It may feel selfish to take care of ourselves first, but a lot of people could end up paying a high price if we do not.

It is the same in life. When we neglect ourselves – physically, spiritually and emotionally – we are not the only ones to pay for it. The people around us will also pay part of that price. Why? Because if we do not take care of ourselves (in these three areas), eventually we have nothing left to give to anyone.

Hence, my Re-connection Retreat this weekend… Throughout year 2 of this grief journey, I did this about every other month. However, this 3rd year, I haven’t done it at all… not one time… and I have felt it. I have noticed myself at odds with my own emotions. I have been busy doing… but not living. Rarely, have I been busy doing the things that bring me joy. Instead, I have been busy doing what I perceive as the expectations of the world around me.

So what am I doing to turn that back around? Well the first step is to reset some boundaries… boundaries on my time. When I fail to claim some time for myself, others unknowingly jump in and “use” that time for me. My initial reaction is resentment, but that isn’t fair. It is my responsibility to claim my time and hold on to it. I know that I need time for my daily workout (physical), time for my meditation and journaling (spiritual) and finally, some time to be creative (emotional). Without these each day (even if it is only a very small portion of time), I begin to feel lost. I begin to feel disconnected from God and from myself…

That “disconnect” is how I know it is not greed or ego that drives me to do this… it is a Sacred Selfishness (as my coach likes to call it). I know that if I can make my own well-being a priority, I am in a much better place (physically, spiritually and emotionally) to serve and support others.

So how does a person do this? Well, here is how I do it…

Let’s start with this weekend’s retreat, because it is this retreat that creates the “shift” in our thought process. Then we will look at how to take what we learn and experience on retreat and apply it to our daily lives.

Before the weekend:

* To avoid creating any unnecessary alarm or concern, I tell everyone who needs to know that I will not be available throughout the weekend. This usually means texting, sending emails and making an “announcement” on social media, such as Face Book. I don’t go into great detail. I just let everyone know that I am going to “unplug” for a few days.

* Next, I think about what is missing or what I want to do to reconnect. This weekend my plan included a lot of meditation, painting (as in art), writing and running/walking on the beach. (Notice my need for all three components this weekend – spiritual, emotional and physical – sometimes it may be only one or two.) I don’t set a schedule or worry about how much time I spend on each… I just make a list of ideas of things I would like to do and know that I will run a steady cycle of each component throughout the weekend.

* I shop for all the food for the weekend. I recommend healthy food – not junk food. (If you aren’t too sure what is healthy – think about shopping the perimeter of the grocery store – not the aisles.) If you already eat “clean” this isn’t a diet change. However, if you normally eat whatever is fast and easy, this part may take a bit of planning. You don’t want to feel deprived… you want to enjoy the food and feel satisfied. Why do I recommend this? What you eat has a direct correlation on how you feel – eating healthy will have a huge impact on all areas of your life (physical, spiritual and emotional).

* Finally, I take care of any errands or chores that must be done and would usually fall on the weekend. In this way, I guarantee myself that I won’t waste time or energy worrying about them all weekend.

Retreat Time:

* First things first – Unplug… in other words, turn off the world… email, Face Book, the phone, the TV… all of it. Silence the world for a while. It is harder than you might think, but it is worth it… The benefits of leaving the world behind for a few days will be tremendous. These items eat up so much of our time and energy… and generally speaking, not in a positive way.

If this idea feels impossible, keep in mind, humankind has lived thousands of years without these “advancements.” Therefore, we really can last a few days without them, as well. Besides, trust me when I tell you that the world will still be there waiting when your retreat time is over.

* Your physical environment is up to you. I am a very sensual person so the more senses I can “touch” the better. I light candles to create both a visual and aromatic sensation of peace. I either turn on the Soundscapes channel or use a meditation CD (calm music – no words)… This fulfills my auditory sensation of calm.

* Once these things are complete, I recommend starting with a meditation to relieve stress. This is a great way to tune into your body, slow down and set the pace for the rest of the weekend. If you aren’t sure how to meditate, Hay House Radio has several of guided meditations on Face Book. (Yes – that is a cheat, I guess, but their stuff is truly helpful.) There are some wonderful apps and YouTube videos for meditation, as well.

* After that, I go with my heart and “cycle” through each type of activity. For example:

Friday evening, I started with a meditation – something spiritual. First thing Saturday morning, I went for a sunrise run on the beach. This started off being my physical activity, but the beauty of the morning made it spiritual as well. How could I not find myself talking to my God when the beauty of this world he created for us was all around me? It was absolutely the most beautiful sunrise ever!… And God and I were right there in the middle of it.

Afterwards, I came home, ate a healthy breakfast and spent some time in my garden. (For me this is both physical and creative because it is what I love to do.) Then a shower and a healthy snack before I started the cycle again with another meditation time. This time I watched Wayne Dyer’s movie, The Shift, (which was free this week). It was amazing! So much of what he said hit home with me… I know I will watch it several more times throughout this weekend.

And now I am writing – the creative piece again… Get the picture? This Re-connection Retreat weekend is a time to become healthier physically, grow spiritually and express my emotions creatively. It is a chance to get back in touch with who I am and who I was meant to be. (It is so easy to lose sight of that in the day to day business of life.)

So what will I do when this weekend is over? That is a good question – hopefully, I am up for the challenge. I have learned several “life lessons” this weekend that I want to take into my daily life… I won’t waste time “preaching” here because the lessons I learned this weekend were meant for me and for this time. However, these lessons created “shifts” in my attitude and lifestyle that I want to take forward. I will, however, share my general intentions going forward… and hopefully, those around me (who love me) will support me and hold me accountable to these.

I am listing my intentions as “I will’s” because as Yoda would say, “Do, or do not. There is no try.” : )

* I will start each morning in gratitude… Thanking my God for another day, even if it is just two simple words, “Thank you.”

* I will use solitude and meditation to re-orient myself each day. I will set aside a specific time which will require some boundaries in how “available” I am. I will remind myself that this is okay… I know this time helps me to be a better “me” when I am available.

* I know my strengths, and I know how I respond to stress. I will use this knowledge to stay in tune with what is driving my actions… If I find myself doing things in order to “hustle” for my worthiness or to gain the acceptance or approval of others, then I know I off-base. I will know I am acting on my real purpose when I have a sense of inner peace and joy.

* I will continue this practice of retreat and not let it fall by the wayside again. It is a vital element to ensure that I am living a joyful, inspired life… not a tired, ego-driven life.

* I will remember that I do not need to be in control… I will let go and let God.

Hopefully, you realize that this week’s blog is not just for people who are grieving. (Although I must say, it makes a world of difference in my own journey when I stay connected and remember to live my life according to my authentic and true purpose.) When we unplug and reconnect with ourselves, the time spent in retreat can change our lives.

This time reminds us that we are each divine creatures of God – worthy and valuable… We don’t need to look to anyone else to confirm that.

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Remembering to be grateful

“As I lie here thinking of you, I realize I have been blessed to have had a husband whose only expectation was for me to love him…
And whose only goal was to show me how much he loved me.”
~ Linda, July 8, 2014

Within the first week of losing Bruce, I started keeping a journal… something I have never done before. Over the last 2.5 years, I have rarely missed a day writing in it. Over time, it has evolved in a very long letter to Bruce – my way of still sharing my life with him.

This writing has given me an outlet for a lot of emotions and thoughts that I am not comfortable sharing… many of them have been so intense, they almost scare me. But writing has helped me release those emotions… I can leave them right there on the page and walk away. It has become such a vital part of this journey that I look forward to “my time” each day and the healing I feel after.

Within the first couple of months, I added a section to my journal each day simply called, “Blessings.” That is exactly what goes there… No matter how down I feel, no matter how bad the day has been, I make myself list at least five blessings from that day… Five things for which I am grateful. Some days I have to really stretch to think of five things. On those days, things as simple as “the sun was shining today” or “I got out of bed when I didn’t feel like it” may be all I can come up with. But the point isn’t what I write… the point is remembering to be grateful.

When Bruce was alive, I didn’t have to put any effort into being grateful… it was easy. It had taken us 44 years to find each other. That was such a miracle for both of us, and we were thankful for that miracle every day… Even on days when we were annoying each other. : ) Remembering and finding things to be grateful for after Bruce passed has not been so easy and has not come naturally. Why? Because when you are grieving it is so easy to get caught up in what you have lost rather than what you still have.

Many times when I write this blog, I talk about things that have hurt or frustrated me on this journey. Today, however, I want to say thank you to the many people who have ended up in my list of “Blessings” throughout the years.

(Keep in mind, this could end up being dangerous because I don’t want to inadvertently leave anyone out. Please be patient with me if I do and know that every act of kindness has meant the world to me, but this old brain is stretching back over 2.5 years.)

Blessings:
* My sister who slept right beside me that first week and held my hand all night, every night.
* My parents who came right away to do what they knew to do… cooking tons of food and making repairs/updates to the house to make it safer for me to be here alone.
* Bruce’s family who have remained an active part of my life… who check on me consistently, love me and include me still in everything “family.” Their unconditional love has been a gift I can never repay.
* My neighbors who have befriended and love me, invited me to their family get-togethers, hang out with me most weekends, and act as my personal body/security guards.
* My girlfriends from work who have driven all the way out here to be by my side while I filed endless paperwork at the courthouse (and I was terrified to go alone), check on me when I’m not there and have spent many lunches listening to me try to figure this out, without ever judging me.
* My friend who bought Bruce’s truck (even though she didn’t need it) and has driven it to work every now and then just so I could see it and sit in it if I wanted.
* My friend who drove out here and spent an entire Saturday cleaning up Bruce’s boat so I could sell it after it sat idle for over a year.
* My brother in law for his help with all the probate shenanigans.
* My son in law for all the repairs and upgrades he has done on this house so I didn’t have to hire a stranger.
* My friends from work who never fail to give me a hug whenever I need one (which is quite often).
* My bosses over the 2.5 years who have shown more support and understanding than I could have ever thought possible.
* My life coach for reminding me how to do more than merely survive.
* My childhood friend who suggested I write this blog.
* My friends across this country who have publicly and privately sent me messages of love and support.

But most of all…

* My four kids and my grandson who have been there with me every step of the way – crying with me, hugging me, listening to me, making sure I am not alone for holidays or specials days… reminding me that life goes on and it’s okay to smile again…

And I know… That’s what Bruce would want too.

Because this is our community, please feel free to share your thoughts and experiences, too. To do so, go to the comments and leave a note.*

Who knows… you may hold the answer for someone else.

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.