Tag: grief

Peace, Love and Grief… Dreams

Dreams… I always loved the Biblical story of Joseph and his dreams. Maybe because of that particular story, I’ve always put a certain amount of stock in dreams. Not all dreams – Let’s be honest… some are just too bizarre… But enough to cause me to pay attention to them.

I believe dreams are our mind’s way of telling us what is going within ourselves. They are a way for our minds to work out some of the craziness we call life while we are sleeping… And if we pay attention to them, we can find a lot of answers to our questions.

When Bruce first passed away, I remember reading and hearing about people who dream of their loved ones who had passed. They described dreams that left them feeling loved and filled with hope. But I also read of those who didn’t have those dreams… Their emotions were mixed – some were relieved because they felt it might stop them from moving on, and others were frustrated and confused – why not them? It didn’t seem fair – their love was just as real as anyone else’s.

I prayed I would be one of the lucky ones – I wanted to dream of Bruce… Even if it was just once. I didn’t care what the dream was about. I just wanted to see him again – even if only in a dream… And I did.

It was about three months after he had passed away… The day and evening before were the same as any other. I had gone to work, come home to an empty house, eaten dinner alone, crawled in bed, written in my journal and cried myself to sleep.

How am I here without you?
Why am I here without you?
What am I to do without you?
Who am I without you?
Where am I supposed to go without you?
~ Linda, July 2014

At some point in the night, I started dreaming that we were together – playing and laughing and just having fun. We went for a bike ride (with me perched precariously on the handle bars). We rode through city streets and country roads – laughing and talking the whole time. As the “day” passed, we took a break under a large oak tree, snuggled up together – kissing and talking. The time was absolutely priceless for me. I remember telling Bruce how hard it was without him, and how much I missed him. He looked me in the eye, leaned closer and kissed me, but as he pulled away, he began to fade… I reached out to him, but I couldn’t touch him… He reached out, touched my cheek and told me he loved me as he faded before my eyes.

Then, I woke up… It was a struggle to reorient myself to reality. The dream had felt so real. There was a part of me that was sad, but there was a bigger part of me that felt pure joy. I’ve never tried to explain that dream… Instead I have held onto that precious dream and cherished it in my heart.

Throughout these four years, I have dreamed many times about Bruce. In some dreams, we are riding in his red truck down back country roads, just talking and holding hands. In others, we are on some type of quest – in search of something although I have no idea what. In these dreams, Bruce is my strong hero – always ready to help me so I can keep up with him.

Then, there are those dreams which involved other living, family members. They either ride in the truck with us or walk with us, but they are always involved in the conversation, and their time with us is only for a small portion of the dream.

But no matter what is happening in my dream, the ending is always the same… Bruce always kisses me, touches my cheek and tells me he loves me before he fades away, and the dream ends.

This week my dream took a different turn. Instead of being with Bruce, I was trying to get to him. I knew he was waiting for me somewhere, but I didn’t know where. Every time I started looking for him, someone else always seemed to need my time and attention. It’s funny, you might think I would have been frustrated, but I wasn’t… (At least, not real frustrated). I wanted to get to Bruce, yet I knew the people who needed me really needed me. And in my heart, I knew Bruce would understand and would still wait for me.

When I woke up, it had me thinking about last week’s blog… Who knows? Maybe that is where my dream came from… Perhaps it was my mind simply reminding me of what my soul already knows…

There was a time when I couldn’t understand why I was still here, while Bruce is “there.” But as life has moved on, it has become clear that I am needed here for now… I have a purpose here and a life to continue living.

However, in my heart, I know he is waiting for me… and one day we will be together again…

One day I will see him again.
And he will touch my cheek
And kiss me
And I will smile… again.
~ Linda, September 2014

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… and we each have our own experiences that help us make it through. For me this week, it was a simple dream. What about you? What are some of your experiences that have helped you? Would you be willing to share one or two? If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

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Peace, Love and Grief… Memories

Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind
Memories, sweetened through the ages just like wine
Quiet thought come floating down
And settle softly to the ground
Like golden autumn leaves around my feet
I touched them and they burst apart with sweet memories *

Some days it seems as if this part of my journey isn’t real… This part where I am alone. How can my heart still be so connected to his heart if he is gone? The memories are so strong and still so vibrant, I feel as if I could reach out and still touch him or still hear his laughter in my ear… Even four years later, it doesn’t seem possible that Bruce is really gone. It is a piece of reality that is hard to accept most days… and nearly impossible on others.

Yet, it is those same vibrant memories that have held me up and sustained me throughout this journey… These memories have not just helped me to survive (as in the beginning), but more recently, they have given me the strength and courage to actually live again.

When I think of Bruce, my heart still flutters as I remember his kind eyes… In fact, I think that was what initially attracted me to him… Those eyes spoke of a soul that was kinder than any I have ever known. Of course, there are so many other things I remember which also make me smile – his mischievous grin, his quiet laughter, and his gentle touch to name a few.

But it doesn’t end there… There are so many precious moments frozen in time here in my heart – memories of dancing in the kitchen, walking on the beach, snuggling on the couch and lying safely in his arms.

Sweet memories
Of holding hands and red bouquets
And twilight trimmed in purple haze
And laughing eyes and simple ways
And quiet nights and gentle days with you *

I love remembering our first meeting in the islands – memories of a brand-new love and intimate conversations within the cocoon of our own, private, little world. I even treasure the memories of the times we disagreed (and made up), as much as the many adventures we shared. Each memory is incredibly precious… Each one reminds me of a time when we were together and for us, love become something almost tangible.

Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind
Memories, sweetened through the ages just like wine
Memories, memories*

Then, there is the memory of that last night… A night I have tried to forget, but instead, each horrible moment is permanently etched in my mind… It is a night I still wish had never happened, but one I will always remember… The night I was forced to say, “Goodbye.”

However, my faith tells me that night was not the end… Thankfully, I have a faith that tells I will see Bruce again, and we will be together throughout eternity. It is that very idea that allows me to pick up the pieces and live my life here… to love each moment as it comes…

Thankful for what was… Thankful for what is… And thankful for what will come.

There’s a part of you that recognizes that you’re really not of this world. There’s something within you that is birthless and deathless and that has no form. It has no beginning, and it has no end.
~ Wayne Dyer

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… and we each have our own memories that help us make it through. What are some of your favorite memories? Would you be willing to share one or two? If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

* Songwriters: Donald Baldwin / Jeffrey Bowen / Kathy Wakefield
Memories lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Peace, Love and Grief… Thoughts on Father’s Day

I thought we had forever…
I never knew we were counting down
From the day we met.
~ Linda, September

As I write this week, Father’s Day is on the horizon, and all I can think about is what a wonderful father Bruce was… not just to his own daughter, but to my kids, as well. The best part was he never set out trying to be my kids’ “dad.” From his perspective, the whole stepfather-is-dad thing didn’t usually work out well. However, life has a funny way of making things happen when we least expect it…

From my kids’ perspective, their biological father had created such turmoil throughout their childhood that trust was in short supply. However, it didn’t take long before Bruce’s gentle spirit and unconditional acceptance of who they were captured their hearts and helped heal so many hurts.

One of my favorite moments was our first Father’s Day together… The day when Bruce knew without a doubt this new family belonged to both of us… It was our family, and he was smack dab in the middle of it.

We had known each other for about one and a half years and had been married for only seven months. While my other kids were developing their own (positive) relationships with Bruce, my youngest had been giving him quite a run for his money since we had married. (In her defense, she was the only child who had to move 1000 miles with me to Michigan and was understandably angry.) In fact, by this point, we were both resigned to the idea that this “family” thing might take a while… A loooong while…

But as fate would have it, when Bruce and I returned home from church that morning, there was my youngest with a tray of homemade cookies and a card on top for “Dad.” As she handed the tray to him, she sheepishly asked him if it was okay… Would he mind being her Dad? Instantly, he pulled her into a great, big bear hug. For the longest time, they simply held each other and wiped the tears out of their eyes.

For me, my love for Bruce grew even more (as if that was possible) in that moment. After all, how can a woman not love a man who loves her children like his own. But, how did he manage to do that? How did he make such a significant difference in such a brief time?

I think I summed it up best one Father’s Day when I wrote:

To my Bruce: Happy Father’s Day, Babe. Thank you for being a true dad to my kids. Thank you for stepping into their lives and showing them what a healthy man and a healthy marriage looks like. Thank you for loving us all unconditionally – no judgement, no preconceived expectations – nothing but love. In the short time we have had together, you have taught us so much. You have brought healing where we did not think it was possible, and you have changed our lives forever. I have told you every day, and I will say it again, “You are my hero, and I love you forever!”

Besides the fact that all of this has been on my mind this week, why would I bother sharing it here? I’ll tell you why… Because if your father (or the person who fills that role) is still alive, please don’t hesitate to tell them what they mean to you. You may think they know… but maybe they don’t… or maybe they just need to hear it one more time.

After all, we live in a world of incredible beauty and promise. Each day and each person here is a gift… enjoy it!

The trouble is, you think you have time. ~ Buddha

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… and we each have our memories that bring tears and the memories that make us smile… each one precious in its own way. What are some of your favorite memories? If so, would you be willing to share your story? What better way to remember and honor those we love than by sharing their stories. If you aren’t ready to share your stories or you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Accepting “What Is”

Learning to Smile Again

I smile again…
Slow at first,
A little awkward,
Then quickly, I shut it down.
Soon I am smiling again –
A little longer,
A little bigger,
One day I think I will smile like I smiled before –
Full of life… and love.
~ Linda, January 2014

Do you ever have weeks that seem to be meant for reflection? Nothing bad… no real sadness… just plenty of time to reflect on where I have been, where I am and where I am going… This week has been one of those weeks for me.

I think it started last weekend while I was talking to my grandson about our “Happiness Board.” This “Happiness Board” is a dry-erase board in our kitchen. It has three columns (one for each of us) and seven rows (one for each day of the week). Each day we list the things from that day that made us happy or we are thankful for. We started this just a few weeks ago in response to all the negativity that seems to fill this world lately. It is our attempt to stay focused on the positive things in our lives, instead of all the things that can so easily bring us down.

For me, it has become a great way to remain focused on what I have in my life versus what I don’t have (like Bruce). By looking for things to be thankful for… Things that bring happiness, I find myself better able to accept what is happening around me. In many ways, it has become a great reminder to celebrate life… something I know Bruce would want me to continue doing.

What I have found is while the big (aka – material) things may make me smile in the moment, these aren’t the things that make me smile the biggest or that warm my heart the most. In fact, usually it is the most simple things that bring the most joy… Things like afternoon rain, laughing, dancing in the living room or Sunday afternoon naps… So many times, I know it is in the simple moments of life where the best memories are made.

Don’t get me wrong… This board is not a “fix” that demands I must always be happy or ignore those moments when I miss Bruce and a tear slides down my cheek. As I reflect this week, I know those days and moments will probably always be a part of my world. Like the economy, it is the continuous ups and downs that truly lead to growth. It takes both – the times of happiness when I am able to accept “what is,” and those times of struggle when I find myself stretching and growing.

It is weeks like this when I remind myself I should not always expect continuous growth… That’s not realistic. Instead, I need to strive to be a little better each day… Yet, always willing to allow myself the grace to accept it when I’m not – knowing that it’s not only okay… It’s normal.

I guess, the more I reflect, the more I learn… I need to remember the positives God has sent into my life each day. I also need to keep reminding myself that the overall direction of my life is always more important than wherever I am at any given moment as I keep learning to accept “what is.”

To move forward,
You must live in the present moment first…
Whatever it is, let yourself go and just live!
~Linda, February 2015

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… and we each have our own lessons we must learn. Have you ever allowed yourself the time to reflect on where you were compared to where you are now? If so, would you be willing to share your experience, there may be someone else out there who needs to hear it. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… The Search for Real Peace

There seems to be so many obstacles and things to learn in this journey called life… And when your life journey includes a grief journey, things really change. The obstacles change and there are new things to learn that you never even thought of before. For me however, whatever the obstacle or lesson, finding some kind of peace seems to always be at the core… And the hardest part of that can be determining if that peace is real peace, or if it is something else simply masquerading as peace.

Do you know what do I mean?

In past blogs, I have written about things people have said or done. Some things are positive… They are incredibly helpful, healing and create a sense of peace. Other things, however, aren’t helpful at all… They leave me feeling like I am less than a person – These things are not healing, and do not create a sense of peace.

Why is that? I believe it is due to several factors…

I think some of it is because people don’t know what to say or do when someone they care about is grieving. I sincerely believe (most of the time) people’s hearts are in the right place, but without any personal experience, they rely on “Hollywood” or what they have heard others say. While they mean well, they don’t realize how absolutely hollow many of those words and phrases are.

There are also those who may or may not have any personal experience with loss. (However, for them, that really doesn’t matter.) Either way, they are convinced they have the answers. According to them, if I would just do as they say, I would “get over it”… And when I don’t, they push even harder. I want to believe they mean well, but I wish they could understand their answers aren’t necessarily my answers.

Then, there is my part in all of this… I know I am a passive communicator. In my soul, I just want everyone to get along, so I tend to bite my tongue – not speaking up or being honest about how some of these words and actions affect me. However, while I might convince myself I am “keeping the peace,” it is a false sense of peace… Because in actuality, there is no peace within that space.

I think one of the biggest things I have learned on this journey is there are two kinds of peace…

First, there is the fake peace created when I don’t speak up. True – there is no conflict… at least not externally. However, in my heart, there is great conflict and hurt. There is a feeling of being “squelched” or put down… A feeling of being less than who I really am. There is also a fear here that if I am honest and speak up for myself, I will no longer be loved. I call this “fake peace,” because it is a mask… It is not real, and it is not healing in any sense of the word.

Real peace, however, is completely different… This is found in the relationships where I know I can be honest… and still be loved. This is the space where I feel heard and understood, and which allows me to listen and understand others, as well. In this space, there is no one with “power” over the other, because no one is perceived as weak. Because there is an understanding of what is sacred within each of us, we are able to find a commonality that strengthens and heals…

In other words, when there is real peace… There is also hope… and that is where the healing can start to happen.

There is a peace that comes with acceptance,
And a love that is always remembered.
~ Linda, September 2013

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… and we each have our own lessons we must learn. Have you ever found yourself wondering what happened to listening and being compassionate toward one another? Have you ever doubted your own value in this world? If so, would you be willing to share your experience, there may be someone else out there who needs to hear it. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Your Value – Priceless

Another quiet Sunday at the beach thinking of Bruce… missing Bruce to be more precise. I am so frustrated this morning. There just seems to be such a lack of compassion and warmth in the world lately. I see it here in this town, but from the news and things I hear from my friends, I think it is an “everywhere” phenomenon.

Bruce and I moved here six years ago. Even then, there weren’t very many people who talked to us, even at church. I remember the fall before he passed, I finally gave up finding a “church home.” I had tried church after church for two years, but there was no place I felt welcome.

I can remember times when no one would shake my hand for the sign of peace. However, the worst day was when I heard a message from the pulpit filled with judgement and anger… But you can’t learn to love others when you “fill up” on judgment and anger… That was it for me… I gave up… I came home in tears and fell into Bruce’s arms.

I remember crying for days (to the point of giving myself a black eye). While I felt hopeless at the time, it ended up being a good thing, because that was the start of my own spiritual journey. This is what brought me to the point of knowing I needed to find my own faith – not one based on someone else’s experience, but a faith based on my own journey.

When Bruce died two months later, I was so angry with God. I felt so utterly alone. He was gone and (for the first time in my life) I had no church family to lean on either… Why did God hate me so? I have to admit, I had a few “choice” words for God, and for months I let him (or her) know… I was hurting. I was angry… And I was so very alone.

There were so many things about “us” that I missed… There were the practical things like the way he handled our finances, the taxes, home and car repairs and how he took on as many of the household chores as I did – We were a team. I missed the fun stuff, too – time at the beach, vacations, cooking together and dancing in the kitchen. I also missed the quiet moments spent snuggling or just holding hands, laying in his arms as we slept and making love.

But I think one of the things I missed most of all was the underlying emotion in all of these…the feeling that Bruce didn’t just love me… He valued me. No matter what we were doing (or not doing), he always made me feel that I was enough. I didn’t need to be anything different, nor did I need to be more of something. I was enough just like I was!

That was such an amazing feeling – to know that I had value just as I was… But then he was gone , and all too quickly, the world around me started telling me I wasn’t enough… I needed to change this or do that. It didn’t take long until I was left feeling like I wasn’t enough… like I no longer had any value.

Why am I telling you this? What is my point?

Because this was the point where I really had to start digging deep… searching for what I really believed about my faith… and me. And what I found was they were both intertwined.

It started by me wanting to understand what made Bruce the person he was… so rooted in love, confidence in himself and acceptance of the world around him. To me, he had been the best example of what Jesus must have been like. Funny though, church was not his thing. I mean, he would if I asked him, but it was not the space where he felt close to or connected with God.

So, I started listening to the people he had listened to and reading the books he read. I started weighing and measuring and evaluating everything I thought I believed… And before too long (Okay – maybe it was actually a year or two), I started making a shift… a real change in direction. Two of the biggest changes came in the realization that:

1. “If it isn’t about love, it isn’t about God” ~ Susan Russell

This simple statement “allowed” me to let go of so much anger. I came to understand that just because a person uses religion, or holy text or even “God” to justify a non-loving action, that doesn’t make it right. I learned to look past the words (especially the ones designed to create guilt or fear), and instead I learned to focus on whether there was love and/or compassion in the action. If not, I’m no longer interested in being a part of it… Now, I can walk away without a second thought or glance behind.

2. “A person doesn’t know they have value unless someone shows them they are valued.” ~ Greg Boyle

This is where I was… And this is where I hope I can make a difference. For me, the simplicity of the word “namaste” is one the best ways I know to live this – “The divine in me recognizes the divine in you.” I believe when I apply this thought process to whomever I encounter (my family, co-workers, strangers I pass, the homeless and the other widows/widowers who have also been left alone), I can make a difference. All of us need to know we are enough… All of us need to know we have value, and all of us need to know someone else recognizes that, as well.

That is what Bruce did, and that is the legacy he left behind… And I know it is a legacy filled with God, because it is a legacy filled with love….

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way… and we each have our own lessons we must learn. Have you ever found yourself wondering what happened to loving and showing compassion to our fellow man? Have you ever doubted your own value in this world? If so, would you be willing to share your experience, there may be someone else out there who needs to hear it. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Some “Firsts” Can Be Good

I remember when Bruce first passed away… There were a lot of “firsts” I had to work my way through., such as the first Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, anniversary and birthdays (his and mine). There was also the first time traveling alone, eating out alone and buying a car alone… Not to mention learning to repair appliances, changing the smoke alarm batteries (which involves a very tall ladder), car maintenance, and taking care of the yard.

After a while, I felt I must have hit all the “firsts.” After all, how many “firsts” can there possibly be? A lot, evidently… Because as time has passed, I find myself still encountering a new one every now and then… Such as this weekend.

I must say, these “firsts” were more on the positive side than the ones at the beginning. Or maybe I am finally able to find the silver lining that makes them feel more positive…

Over the years, I have been to many Jimmy Buffet concerts… And most of those with Bruce. We went to see him every year – tailgating in full Parrothead style with fins, coconuts bras, grass skirts, shrimp, and (of course) our own tikibar with “frozen concoctions.” It was something we looked forward to all year and was always too much fun!

When Bruce passed, I just assumed my Parrothead concert days were over. But this weekend proved that to be wrong…

A few months ago, when the Jimmy Buffet 2017 concert dates for Florida were announced, my daughter bought 3 tickets – one for her, my grandson and me. I must admit I had a few mixed feelings about going – feeling both anxious and excited…

What if I couldn’t bring myself to go? What if I did go, but I missed Bruce too much to have fun? And worst of all, what if I ruined it for my daughter and grandson?

On the other hand, my own kids were introduced to their first Buffet concerts around seven and eight, so it just seemed right to introduce my grandson to this family tradition. He already loves Jimmy Buffet and can sing along to most of his songs… I knew I wanted to do this, and I knew Bruce would love knowing his little Boudreaux is a Parrothead, too.

As this weekend got closer, my daughter and I discussed how we wanted to do this… How to introduce him to the Parrothead culture without exposing him to the parts that are not exactly child-friendly. So… instead of tailgating, we opted for dinner at Margaritaville. And instead of coconuts bras and grass skirts, we opted for Jimmy Buffet T-shirts, leis and Parrothead hats (or a Sharkhead in Michael’s case).

We had assumed he would most likely fall asleep about halfway through the show, but he proved us wrong… Instead, he danced and sang his way through with the rest of us, until the last song, when he curled up in his Mommy’s arms and fell sound asleep.

I couldn’t have asked for better! I was back in that Parrothead world. I was able to share it with people I love. Granted, there were a few tears for Bruce in the middle of “One Particular Harbor” and “Son of a Son of a Sailor,” but that’s okay… I’m allowed those moments. However, all in all, there were enough differences to help me enjoy creating new traditions, and enough similarities to feel Bruce’s presence right beside me…

It was perfect!… That was a new (dare I say it) positive “first.”

Then, we have today – Mother’s Day. In the years since Bruce died, I have usually spent this day alone. Don’t get me wrong – It’s been fine. My kids always remember me with cards, flowers, phone calls and Skype. They do remind me I am loved and appreciated… They are absolutely wonderful, and I love them for all of that.

But this year, circumstances have changed… This year I have 2 more people living in my house… This year I am not alone… And today has been great!

My kids who live far away have reached out to me – we have talked by phone or Skype… These conversations absolutely mean the world to me. I have, also, had the pleasure of sharing today’s celebration with my daughter and grandson.

We started by sleeping in. (Of course, in seven year old terms, that is 8 AM… But in his defense, in GG terms, 8 AM is late, so all is good.) Then, he had snuggles for all of us… a picnic and time to chill at the beach… And to top it off, he (the youngest “grill-master”) is planning to grill pork chops for us for dinner – “Cause y’all deserve it,” he so sweetly says.

And, once again, another perfectly, positive first…

For me, that’s kind of cool – realizing that there is still a lot of life to live… and enjoy…

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way. Have you ever found yourself wondering when all these “firsts” will ever end? Have you reached that point where the “firsts” don’t all need to be dreaded or feared? If so, would you be willing to share your experience, there may be someone else out there who needs to hear it. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Feeling Stressed… But Finding Strength

This week I heard a story of a grandfather in South America who took his grandson to the seashore one day to witness a spectacular annual event. Early in the morning as they arrived on the beach, a large colony of penguins emerged from the ocean. This particular species of penguin is known for being extremely strong swimmers. In fact, they spend most of their time in the water, and therefore feel quite vulnerable on land. The reason for their annual visit to this particular beach lay about 100 yards away… It is their burrows where they return each year to mate.

As the young boy and his grandfather watched, small groups of penguins would start to waddle toward their burrows, but inevitably, after only a few yards, something would spook them – a shadow, a bird overhead, or even the wind in the scrub or brush nearby. Immediately, the group would turn and scurry back to the water’s edge where they felt strong… and safe. This scenario of slow progression played out all day, until just as the sun was setting, the last group of penguins found the courage needed to brave the 100 yards of open land to their burrows.

At this point, the grandfather turned to his grandson and said, “There will be times in this life when you must leave your safety zone in order to get to the next place you need to be. The journey there may leave you feeling vulnerable, but you must find the courage to face your fears – both real and imagined. The important thing is to never give up… It may take you longer than you (or others) think it should, but as long as you never give up, you have not failed… You have succeeded… and grown stronger in the process.”

As I listened to this story, it really hit home…

My time with Bruce was my “time in the ocean.” It was when I felt safe… It was when I felt strong. The burrows represent my future… my life if I choose to move forward. And finally, the 100 yards of open beach filled with dangers – “both real and imagined” – is my time of grief… My time of learning to live without Bruce by my side.

As time passes, I am moving further up the beach, closer and closer to my burrow. Yet each time I feel hurt or afraid, I want to run back to the shore… back to my time (and memories) with Bruce. BUT my life is ahead of me… I know that… I know I must be willing to be vulnerable and allow myself to grow in order to really live again…

But how?

This week I still found myself trying to figure out how to leave the hurt and judgement from others behind… But as life seems to do, my answer came a few days later in the form of a quote from Theodore Roosevelt…

“It’s not the critic who counts! It’s not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done it better. The credit belongs to the person who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred with blood and sweat and dust, who at the best, in the end, knows the triumph of high achievement, and who, at worse, if he fails, he fails daring greatly!”

Oh, my gosh! How true!

Changes in life are hard! They throw us onto the beach or into the arena… And grief and loss are some of the hardest changes of all. As I make my way on this journey, I know there will be both successes and failures…

But I must remember I am the one in the arena… I am the one “marred with blood and sweat and dust.” And what someone “sitting in the stands” thinks of me doesn’t really matter, because …

I am the one who, day by day… step by step, is daring greatly…

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way. Have you ever found yourself wishing others could be more patient and less judgmental? Sometimes we just need to be reminded that we are the ones in the arena… And we show courage with each step we take (no matter how small). If you would be willing to share your experience, there may be someone else out there who needs to hear it. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Feeling Stressed

I have debated even writing today… Usually, I make sure whatever I am writing about, I can end on a positive note. However, today (this whole week, actually) I have felt stressed, and I’m not sure I have anything positive to say. But since my mission is to be honest about my journey… here I am… feeling down and not quite sure where to go with it…

I remember growing up… my grandfather loved me so much! No matter what I did, he only seemed to see the good in me… I am sure he was the same with all the grandchildren, but that is something special I will always cherish. Sadly, he passed away when I was in college. It was a loss that still haunts me to this day. At the time, I wondered if anyone would ever love and believe in me the way he did…

Then, many years later, I was blessed to meet Bruce. And once again, I found myself loved by someone who only saw the good… someone who truly showed me unconditional love… What a rare gift!

When Bruce passed, I found myself struggling in a world where people have been all too quick to tell me what is wrong with me or what I “need to fix.” At a time, when I have really needed people to simply come along and walk beside me, I have found myself under constant scrutiny and judgement.

For example, I remember being raked over the coals in front of a room of 20+ women. I left the room in tears – struggling to maintain some type of dignity while doubting my own worth. Another time, I received a five-page letter describing (in detail) all the areas where the sender found me lacking. I still do not understand why they felt the need to send it. A year ago, I was told my “lifestyle is unacceptable”… Although, I’m not even sure what that means since I’m pretty sure I am neither bad nor immoral… I work, I work out, I eat, I sleep and I love my family… (Sounds dangerous, huh?)

So, these last few days, this is where my mind has been… focused on those who choose to see something wrong with me… Not a good place, I know. I realize I am giving them way too much power in my head, but I feel like I am drowning… I am struggling to simply breathe.

I know there are many times when I am not at my best… Times when I am sad and angry and grieving… Most people who have been through this understand… The judgement I encounter seems to come from those who have not been here, but somehow, they seem “know” how they would respond if they found themselves on this same journey.

I know I shouldn’t let any of this get to me… I know “what other people think of me is none of my business.” But, when the judgement comes from people you love (and you wish could truly love you back), it can be a little hard to ignore. In fact, even as I write this, the tears are still building and falling…

How do I stop it? How do I decide what others think really doesn’t matter? How do I remind myself that Bruce saw in me a woman worth loving?

I know I will spend this week, working on just that… working on remembering that Bruce loved me… That there are people (even now) who still love me… And the people who choose to judge me? Well… I need to remind myself that I can still love them without taking their judgement into my heart.

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way. Have you ever found yourself wishing others could be more patient and less judgmental? Perhaps you have had moments like I had this week. If so, would you be willing to share your experience? Perhaps there is someone else out there who needs to hear your story too. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.

Peace, Love and Grief… Then and Now… Now and Then

I remember when this whole grief thing started… I was such an emotional wreck! At the support group I joined, I remember the leader talking about all the different emotions we were experiencing… or soon would…. And she was right… Life quickly became an emotional roller coaster that seemed to have no end.

I believe I felt every emotion under the sun, and the craziest part was any particular emotion could hit at any time… any place… and sometimes several at a time.

Journal Entry, August 15, 2013:

This grief thing can make you feel like you are losing your mind. One day (or moment) can be fine and you think you are getting it together and the next can be so dark. I am really struggling…

Sometimes there was no rhyme or reason to what I felt… I just felt it. Other times, the emotions could be triggered by something familiar, such as his SUV in the driveway, his clothes still hanging in the closet or a semi on the highway (similar to the one he drove). Other times just seeing other couples our age (or older) together (holding hands) or seeing someone with mannerisms similar to his could bring on tears… In other words, it could be any thing at any time… I just never knew.

As a consequence, I started wearing sunglasses on my head everywhere I went… Why? Because when the tears started, the glasses came down to cover my eyes (even in the middle of the grocery store).

For the longest time, I thought that would be the way I would live forever… but it isn’t. I’m not sure where along the way I felt safe without the sunglasses… a little more in control of my emotions. But eventually, I found myself leaving the glasses behind and (at least for the most part) controlling the tears in public.

However, I can’t say that control is a 100% thing… There are still moments where I am caught off guard and the tears come of their own accord. For example, this week was a good week. However, on Friday as I was leaving my martial arts class, I needed to talk to the instructor for a moment. As I glanced outside, I caught a brief glimpse of someone that looked just like Bruce. Even though I knew it wasn’t Bruce, it still caught me by surprise, and suddenly I found my eyes filling with tears.

To give myself time to regain control, I started “searching” in my gear bag (for absolutely nothing). While my head was down, someone else walked up to speak to the instructor. (Thankfully!) And, in their interaction something was said that made me laugh… (I don’t know if I have ever been so thankful for laughter before that moment.) At that point, I was able to regain some semblance of control, lift my head, thank them for the laugh and move on.

So this week, even after all these years, I came to realize that I am still vulnerable to “those” moments… I know, without a doubt, this journey is a long one… And while I need others to walk beside me, the hard work is still mine to do, as I wrote years ago…

Journal Entry, August 29, 2014:

“Widowhood is the long learning to do without the presence of the loved one. It is a task demanding the utmost patience, and a willingness to look, again and again, at those paths and places where the loved one walked, sat, lived, and slept, and does so no more.” ~ Martha Hickman, Healing After Loss

Me: So much of the time I feel so alone on this journey… so out of sync with everyone else around me… this quote explains the why so well. It is my journey and no one can do it for me… So please, be patient with me…

Learning to navigate through this journey is different for everyone… We all move through it at our own pace and in our own way. Perhaps you have had moments like I had this week. Perhaps you have experienced those emotions that come on faster than you can control your reaction to them. If so, would you be willing to share your experience? Perhaps there is someone else out there who needs to hear your story too. If you are someone who needs a helping hand or even a virtual hug, let us know… we are here for you. To leave a comment or story, go to the comments and leave us a note. *

This is a weekly blog, for daily affirmations we have a Facebook page of the same name. Join us daily at www.facebook.com/peaceloveandgrief

* Be advised that all comments are subject to approval prior to posting. Any comments determined to be spam or not in accordance with the mission of this website/blog will not be approved or posted. Furthermore, any comments determined to be hostile in nature will be reported to the proper authorities. Thank you.